Chapter 22: Deflecting

December 3, 2013

"OK Tessa. Last week you said you might accompany your mother on a brief outing to do some Christmas shopping. How did that go?"

Tessa sat cross-legged on her bed and idly traced the pattern on her bedspread with her thumb. "Yeah," she muttered in a flat voice. "I decided to shop online instead."

"I see."

"Free shipping. Free returns. Can't beat it."

"Tessa, I'm sensing some deflection. Do you think that might be the case?"

"Deflection?" Tessa glanced up briefly to meet her therapist's eyes before returning her attention to the bedspread. "Is that like projection?" Her lips quirked upward into a grin in spite of herself, and she couldn't quite suppress a chuckle as she continued. "I totally called out Taylor last night about projecting. He does it constantly! You should hear what he said about Eric. It was so classic."

Dr. Regan didn't return her client's smile as she listened from across the room. "No, Tessa," she said. "Deflection means changing the subject to avoid a topic that makes you uncomfortable."

"Oh."

"Tell me about what happened with the shopping trip."

Tessa shrugged, her smile fading. "I didn't feel like it."

"I see. Can you tell me more about that?"

"Whatever. It's not like I even like Christmas shopping. Especially not with her." Tessa wrapped her arms around herself. "That was always lame, even before all this."

Dr. Regan jotted down a note on her pad before she spoke again. "By 'her' you mean-"

"My mom," Tessa interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Honestly, if you really want me to leave the house, you should make it with anyone other than her."

"Why do you say that?"

Tessa paused. She returned her eyes to the bedspread and began tracing the pattern again before she finally replied. "I don't know. Maybe because she's a bitch?"

"Keep going, Tessa. In what way is your mother a bitch?"

"Wow." Tessa glanced up in surprise. "Are you allowed to say curse words?"

Dr. Regan merely raised her eyebrows in response.

"Right," Tessa said after a moment. "Got it. I'm deflecting."

"Good, Tessa."

"Let's see," Tessa continued with a sigh. "Why is my mother a bitch? Because she doesn't like having me here, and she goes out of her way to make that abundantly clear."

"Can you give me some examples?"

"Just stuff she says to me. She blames me for the whole Scott thing, even though she's seen him out with that other girl. Somehow it's my fault that he cheated on me. And I'm pretty sure she thinks I dropped out of college out of sheer laziness. She's always telling me about my friends from high school and how amazing they're doing at college."

"I see. And have you tried talking to her about your feelings?"

"About Scott? Or why I left school?"

"Would you consider talking to her about either of those things?"

Tessa shook her head. "She's not exactly the greatest listener."

"Does she know the fullstory for why you dropped out of college?"

"No." Tessa shook her head again, more forcefully this time. "I could never talk to her about that. She's basically the last person on Earth I would ever tell."

"Why is that?"

"Because I know what she would say. She would blame me for that too. She would say I brought the whole thing on myself." Dr. Regan drew in a breath to reply, but Tessa cut her off. "And no, I'm not just projecting, if that's what you're going to say. I don't blame myself. I just know my mother."

"And how-"

"How does that make me feel?"

Dr. Regan cracked a wry smile. "Good, Tessa. Go ahead."

"It's nothing new. She doesn't want me here. She never wanted me in the first place, honestly. She's been counting the days until I went away to school. She thought I'd turn 18 and go away to college, and I'd be out of her hair. And I would have been, too. Believe me, nothing would make me happier. I don't enjoy the fact that I'm stuck here, leeching off my mother. The second I'm better, I'm leaving this place and never looking back."

Dr. Regan nodded slowly as she wrote down some notes. She looked up and met Tessa's eyes again before she asked her next question. "I'm sensing some pretty deeply rooted anger toward your mother-"

"You think?" Tessa let out a harsh laugh.

"-and a bit of anger directed toward me as well," Dr. Regan continued. "Do you think it's possible you may be taking your feelings toward your mother and transferring them onto me?"

Tessa paused, caught off guard by the question. She took a moment to consider. "No," she said at last. "I'm not angry at you. You annoy me sometimes to be completely honest, but I don't hate you."

"Would you say you hate your mother?"

"No," Tessa answered with a sigh. "I don't know. Hate's too strong. I just wish she wouldn't judge me. She always has, ever since I was little, no matter how hard I tried to be good. And I was good. That's the thing. I was such a goodie two shoes growing up! I could've turned out so much worse! You know? Sometimes it's so tempting - I just want to do something totally awful, just to shock her."

"Like what, Tessa?"

Tessa smiled to herself at the thought that popped into her head in response. Like run away and live with some guy I met on Twitter. But she didn't dare to speak that thought aloud - not even to her therapist.

"Did you think of something humorous, Tessa?" Dr. Regan asked, as Tessa struggled to erase the grin on her face and the blush she knew must be coloring her cheeks.

"Sorry," she replied hastily. "I was just thinking of something Taylor said."

"Taylor again." Dr. Regan made another note. "That's the second time you've brought him up today."

"Deflecting. Sorry, sorry."

"That's OK, Tessa. Talk to me about Taylor."

Tessa felt her lips curve into another uncontrollable smile, and she ducked her head to try to cover it. "What about him?" she answered. "He's my friend."

"Is that all he is to you? A friend?"

"I don't know." Tessa shrugged. "I guess I like him. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. I don't even know what he looks like. I just like the way he thinks. It's like we think the same way, somehow. It's hard to explain."

"Like-mindedness can be a solid foundation for a friendship," Dr. Regan answered. "Or for a romantic relationship."

"I guess that's what it is. Like-mindedness. Or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see."

"There is that danger, particularly with an online relationship. You lack the immediacy of face-to-face interaction, and that can tend to foster projection."

Tessa squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. "Projection again," she groaned. "Is that all it really is? And when I finally meet him, I'll realize he's nothing like what I was picturing?"

"There is that possibility," Dr. Regan replied. "Do you think that might be the case with Taylor?"

Tessa hesitated, thinking back over her DM exchange with him the night before. They'd texted back and forth until well past 2 AM. She'd been so engrossed in the conversation that she hadn't even realized how late it was.

"I don't know," she said. "I don't think I'm just imagining it. You should hear some of the theories he comes up with about Eric Thorn. He's even darker than I am. And he's the one who brings it up. . . ." Tessa paused again to consider. "Yeah, it's definitely coming from him. He brings up Eric even more than I do, honestly."

"Well, it sounds like you have a mutual interest, at the very least."

"Right," Tessa nodded. "That's good, right?"

"Yes, Tessa. It's wonderful that you've been able to forge a connection with someone new. That shows real progress."

Tessa smiled at her therapist's words of encouragement, but looked down at her hands in uncertainty before she spoke again. "Is it bad that I spend so much time talking to him, though? Sometimes we're up all night."

"Do you think it's bad?"

Tessa let out of huff of exasperation. "Can't you just answer without turning it into a question back to me? Just one time? Honestly, I could really use some advice right now. Just woman to woman. Therapy aside."

Dr. Regan smiled gently. "That's not exactly my role, Tessa."

"I know, I know," Tessa said, looking away in frustration. "But it's not like I can go ask my mom, you know? You're the only person I really have to talk to these days - other than him."

Tessa could see Dr. Regan hesitate, and she leaned forward, silently willing the therapist to respond. "Please?" she said softly. "What do you really think?"

"In my professional capacity as your psychotherapist, all I can say is this. I see any new interpersonal relationship as a positive step forward in your therapy. My advice would be no different than it is for any of your other exercises. Take it one step at a time. Go at your own pace. And for now, take pride in what you've accomplished. It sounds like you've made a real friend."

"So that's what you think he is?" Tessa asked. "A friend?"

"You tell me, Tessa. Is he?"

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