there it is again
that painful unshakable feeling
that you aren't my forever

that i am just here
for my own soul, to feed my yearning for love
and yet - how

how can something that feels so good
also feel so
...
wrong?

it pains me to even feel this way
so maybe that's why i hide in clouds of smoke
filling my lungs with what I wish to be true

yet
death haunts my memories,
waiting to pounce on my past
drawing them forward
showing me who I really am
yet do not be fooled by the stories i tell
for death is my friend, keeps me in my cell
holds back the anger,
the self-taught hate
and i bite my tongue because no one could love me
yet i pause to ponder
that yes,
quite possibly it could be
that i am the abuser
and yet - how

how can something that feels so bad
also feel so
...
right?

the difference i was taught wrong long ago
from those before me who believe themselves to be
divine
the accursed search for a way to

tear down

their youth, in hopes of finding an

enlightened
few.

No matter,
all i know is this is poison
and i am sorrowful to say
i will miss you in the next life
but don't you dare miss me in this

because i could never forgive myself
with my

self-sabotage

self-harm

behavior

because you deserve the world my love
and i?
I deserve the dust.