eighteen
————

blaise dragged his aching body back towards the great hall, his mouth hazy and lips sluggish from the uncomfortable amount of talking he'd had to endure. it had been a long time since he'd spoken so much. the war seemed to have stolen his voice, carving his words from his chest and making off with them. he had resorted to communicating in whispers and gazes since it ended, and seeing as his friend group consisted of other slytherin children haunted by the war, there never was much reason to attempt to speak any differently.

now, he felt tired. tired and worried. he'd seen draco stumbling off with potter, and if the circumstances were different, he would have felt apprehensive. but he knew draco and potter had grown close, and that potter would take care of him. yet he wondered about the severity of the slap that sent draco reeling back, and he worried about the glossy eyes of his friends.

amidst all that worry, a tiny twinge of jealousy surfaced.

blaise was used to being draco's support system, and vice versa. they normally kept their feelings to themselves, but every once in a while they'd break down, and cry on each other's shoulders when they did.

but now...

draco had harry.

harry, who was almost the opposite of blaise. harry was the chosen one, the savior of the wizarding world, a perfect boy who'd never been branded with the dark mark, or forced to play a horrible role of murder and darkness.

harry, who'd been on the right side of the war since the very beginning.

blaise didn't want to be jealous. he hated himself for feeling that way. after all, draco was finally making friends with people who weren't death eaters, scarred and hollowed by the war. and he deserved it.

after everything he'd been through, draco deserved to have friends who could smile.

blaise wanted desperately to feel only happiness for his friend who had finally found something to be happy about, even just for a moment. but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't push down the feeling that soon, draco wouldn't need him anymore. what use was he? he was just a shell of his former self, unable to pull a shred of joy from his shriveled heart.

and, above all that...

blaise needed to cry too.

right now, he wanted nothing more than to drop his ever-present facade and let warm, salty tears slide down his bronze skin, to let them stain him azure with overflowing sadness.

but then he remembered where he was. he'd been too lost in thought to notice that he'd stopped in front of the great hall and was leaning against the stone next to it.

a few students trickled out of the doors, glancing at blaise's hunched form and messy appearance before turning back to their friends, now with gossiping whispers on the tips of their tongues.

he stared at the large oak doors for a second before his eyes widened in realization. he hated himself for being so selfish. the traumatized kids were still in there, needing comfort, and what was he doing? wallowing in self-pity like a selfish idiot.

fisting a hand through his dark curls, blaise turned to rush back into the hall.

however, with his eyes downcast and head muddled with thoughts, he failed to notice the door opening, or the small boy stepping out of it.

crash.

blaise let out a startled yelp as he ran right into neville, both of them landing on the ground in the process. neville's bag dropped to the floor, falling open and spilling its contents around him.

"oh my gosh, i'm sorry!" neville rambled, rushing to stuff all of his books and quills back into his bag. "i wasn't looking where i was going, i'm so sorry, i—"

his words died on his tongue when he finally looked up to see who his apologies were directed to, and met blaise's warm eyes.

face flushing, neville slung his bag over his shoulders and raised his hand in a shy wave.

blaise pushed his lips into a slightly forced smile, waving back at him halfheartedly.

"i'm sorry, i should've been paying more attention." neville stood up, offering blaise his hand.

"it's–" he cleared his throat, voice coming out scratchy and quiet. "it's fine, i wasn't paying attention either."

he took neville's hand and hauled himself up, feeling the weight of his stress press down on him as soon as he was upright again. 

reluctantly pulling their hands apart, both boys locked eyes.

"are...are you okay, blaise? after what happened at lunch?" neville asked, worry shrouding his features.

blaise swallowed, forcing his tired lips into what he hoped looked like a reassuring smile. "i'm fine. don't worry, it happens all the time. i'm used to it by now."

unexpectedly, tears began to brew in neville's brown eyes and he gripped the sleeves of his sunflower yellow sweater, dropping his gaze to the floor.

blaise's eyes widened in disbelief.

what kind of pure angel-?

"i just...i don't understand how they can be so awful to you. they said such horrible things and i can't even imagine—"

"neville. please...please don't cry. it's okay. we'll be alright."

he lied through a smile.

he knew they wouldn't be alright. they were far too broken for that to even be an option.

blaise longed to stay with the awkward sunshine boy for at least a few more minutes, but his thoughts reminded him of why he was rushing in the first place. he silently cursed himself for getting sidetracked by selfish things again.

"hey..um, i should go. the rest of...them are probably wondering where i am."

neville looked up. "what? oh, yeah. sorry, i didn't realize you were in a rush."

"it's fine," blaise mumbled listlessly.

he sighed inaudibly, dragging himself past neville and into the—

"wait!"

blaise turned, surprised, to see the boy chewing on his lip nervously, eyes searching blaise's.

"you know...you can cry if you need to."

blaise's breath hitched.

neville's gaze was soft and earnest. and suddenly everything was quiet.

and then...and then he felt tears pricking his eyes.

oh no, please no.

he tried to press his palms sharp against his eyelids, tried to keep that burning film over his irises contained and controlled, just like his parents had always taught him—

"blaise...?"

in an instant he was lurching forwards, throwing himself into neville's arms. his shaking hands desperately grasped the boy's school robes. neville, though unprepared to support his thrown body weight, was able to steady them both. he gasped against blaise's shoulder, caught off guard by the handsome slytherin's unusual actions, and blaise should have been mortified.

but the tears were spilling endlessly down his cheeks, leaving warm pathways along his skin. the feeling of crying was almost unfamiliar to him, or at least crying like this. this crying shook his entire body, left his blood thundering and aching in his veins. this kind of crying pleaded for the warmth of touch and the sensation of hands and arms around his shuddering figure. it was almost scary.

he couldn't help but to cling to neville as though the smaller were his only life line, digging his fingers into neville's soft sweater and breathing in his scent with desperation as quiet sobs left his lips.

he was so weak.

"it's gonna be okay blaise," neville whispered into the crook of his neck. blaise could feel his soft lips skimming his skin. "you're...you're really strong, but you don't have to be so strong all the time. you're only human."

only human.

there was something strangely wonderful about those words. blaise wasn't sure he had ever felt only human.

growing up, he had to be the perfect son of two perfect parents. he'd been told that as an heir, he had to be elegant and controlled at all times. always demonstrating blatant power so that others would not question his authority, and seeming so untouchable that no one would be able to see his flaws. only human had never been a term that seemed to apply. he was a zabini, a pretty doll for his parents to showcase at gatherings, he was...a slytherin sneering at other hogwarts students to prove his own value. he was the son of a deatheater, forced to keep his lips sealed shut or else suffer the dire consequences. he was a murderer that never should have dared show his face again. a murderer that should have died in the war.

but he felt soft in neville's arms. perhaps it was the scent clinging to neville's skin, the redolence of flowers and warm earth making him fuzzy and light headed. but in neville's arms he just felt like skin, blood, bones, and heart.

he was sure he could have cried into him for hours...if he'd had no dignity.

but, alas, he had dignity, though he was clinging to it by his nails. and he remembered his father's words hissed against his ear time and time again.

"you can't be weak. you don't have the luxury."

so, eventually, he pulled away, rubbing at his puffy eyes and damp cheeks, erasing any obvious sign of distress like he'd done so many times before. raising his eyes, blaise's gaze drifted to the damp spot on the shoulder of neville's sleeve.

"i'm sorry."

neville, hearing the guilt in his voice, shook his head furiously, caramel locks tickling his cheeks.

"it's alright. i know you needed it anyway." he smiled.

blaise hummed, thoughtful. "thanks. you know, for....yeah." he trailed off awkwardly, cheeks tinted a light rose.

"no problem," neville beamed at the praise. "oh, and...i'm here for you, you know, if you need anything. even just a shoulder to cry on."

the gentle, caring words coming from a beautiful boy made of sunshine and delicate marigold petals made blaise's heart jump in his chest. he nearly started crying again, but he couldn't bare to keep himself away from the others for a moment longer, and he knew that if he did let himself go again, he wouldn't have enough energy to pull himself together again. and he'd be sobbing on neville's shoulder for hours.

so, he pushed back the rising tears, swallowed the painful lump in his throat, and forced himself to bring their conversation to a close.

smiling weakly, blaise met neville's warm eyes. "i should...i should go now."

neville's eyes dimmed, but he nodded in understanding. raising his eyebrows and lilting his voice in question, he hesitantly asked, "i'll see you later?"

blaise nodded in confirmation and turned to leave.

neville watched him, chocolate eyes swirling with mixed emotions. he was happy that blaise had finally opened up to him, had let his mask fall away to reveal the sad, broken boy underneath his facade. but at the same time he was sad that blaise was broken in the first place. he was sad that blaise allowed his pain to build and build and build until finally the force of his sadness was stronger than his mask, and his walls crumbled and left him choking on his sobs, choking on every aching breath that left his bruised lungs.

he just wished blaise could let go, and cry when he needed to, and let someone else take care of him for once. because neville knew that the breakdown he'd witnessed today was only a fraction of the agony he felt, a mere crumb compared to the months—no—years worth of misery he had locked in his chest.

he just wanted blaise to be happy.

but he wouldn't, couldn't say that. not yet at least.

he just watched as blaise disappeared through the doors of the great hall.

a/n: huuuaaah!!

how'd you like this one? i know it wasn't like the others, but i'd planned to throw in a couple bleville chapters here and there and this seemed like a good place to put one. speaking of, i was thinking about making a bleville spin-off to this story once i'm finished (which probably won't be for a while). would you guys be interested in reading that?

i know it took a long time and i'm sooooo sorry about that. i've been having random periods of writers block followed by bursts of inspiration so i've been working on this for a long time and i feel like i've been on the brink of finishing it for weeks. good news is, my school's closed! so besides online work, i'll have a lot of free time to write, and i'm trying to work on writing faster.

also, i'm making a new cover because i don't think this one fits as well now, so i made a few and couldn't choose between them. can you guys help? just comment on whichever one you like best:

and one last thing. i wanted to thank all of you for the wonderful support you give me and this book. i want to let you know that i do read your comments and they make me so, so happy. you guys are the best readers i could ask for and your existence means the world to me. i would love to respond to every comment and thank each and every one of you individually, but i'm really awkward and whenever i try to write a reply, i end up thinking i sound cringey and weird, so i just delete it. i'm sorry i can't be more active with you guys, but i just want you to know i read them and they make me so happy and motivated.

thanks for reading! see you soon!
(つ°ヮ°)つ ♡