Golden Crown © simqlea

i need to keep this short.

kageyama tobio,
i do love you
but sometimes i wish i didn't.

a week after i left you
i started writing these letters.

it is seven years later
and i still write these letters
because i still want to come back
but i can't.

i will break even more if i come back.

not by your hands
but my mother's.
she's promised.
(and i am a coward.)

so this is a last goodbye, i guess.

but i just wanted to let you know that
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you.

you don't need to say it back
or think it back
or feel it back
and i apologise if these letters come at a time where you find yourself happy and with someone else
but i'm selfish like that
and twisted like that
and cruel like that
so here i am anyways
telling you that i love you.

i love you tobio.
i love you
i love you
i love you
and i still want to make you one last flower crown.

(do you still have the ones you pressed?
i wonder.)

you are my first love
(isn't that a little sad?
i am supposed to love myself first,
not surrender it to another person.

and don't think it's your fault
but i think loving someone else first
then leaving them first as well
is what has made me burn.

i am burning.)

i doubt i will love anyone as much as i have loved you.
not even myself.

it's a strange thing, nostalgia.
manages to reopen the cracks in your heart
you had forgotten were even there.

i fall into those cracks, you know?
people have always told me that i dwell too much on the past
but i can't help it.

i am stuck
replaying our memories together
over
and over
and over again
because what ifs are something i've never been able to stop thinking about
and you are the biggest what if in my life.

these what ifs have me burning
(you have me burning
but that's on me for loving you first
and missing you before i had even left.)

what if i had never left you
what if you had noticed
what if i had loved myself first
what if i had not been a coward
what if you had not become a king
what if i had told someone

what if
what if
what if?

so

their golden boy
their golden king
the boy the flower crown.

one day, do you want meet up
in the golden rose garden again?

yes?
no?

it's alright. take your time.

i can wait a little longer.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

i really could have done better LMAO

if this felt rushed or was confusing i'm sorry :( i just wanted to get the idea out of my head before i lost the motivation to write it LMAO

but basically what happened to the reader/oc that made them leave him was
— they were overwhelmed by the revelation of their mom wasting away in their house because their other mom was emotionally and physically abusive before dying off and not being able to do anything about it (that part is so vague i barely mentioned or explained lmao sorry ab that it seems like a stretch rn but ill fix it up when i go back and edit this book a bunch)
— they died from heartbreak (yeah you can actually die from it but it's very rare and it being fatal is even rarer. reader was just unfortunate)
— THIS STORY IS SO MESSY IM HONESTLY SO SORRY ITS SO DOG POOPOO

(EDIT NOV. 4, 2021
this still sucks HELP)

(EDIT FEB. 2, 2022
yeah no 💀 still hate this ngl)

idk if i'll make another one of these for haikyuu!! but if i do it'll probably for like nishinoya or something

anyways thank u for reading this piece of absolute dog poopoo i love u all so much <3333

— lea / nyx