A lot of people will say that their are stages of grief that every person goes through when they lose a loved one. It's called the "The 5 Stages of Grief"; the process is generally denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But I think this is far from the truth. In all honesty everyone goes through and handles grief and sadness and their pain differently. You and another person will never feel the exact same way, all the way down to a T, about something. If we did, feel the same way about things, then mood disorders wouldn't really exist. But that's just my opinion.

We were at the funeral and to be quite honest I wasn't feeling anything. It's like the inside of me is hurting so bad that it could kill me yet I don't feel it. It's like I am numb, almost. Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes a bit too proudly, and sometimes I am the master of my pain and sadness and sorrow.

A double funeral. A double whammy. I've never been to a funeral before, let alone two. Dad and Victor were medical professionals. Overtime they got used to the idea and concept of death, had witnessed, and now are going through it firsthand. I understood death but I was too scared to embrace it. My will to live was always stronger than my will to die; I have tried overdosing and even cutting myself but with the medicine I never took too many because I didn't want to create another scene and cutting myself hurt so bad and I wasn't strong enough to handle that pain (I have actually never told anyone that, not even Greyson.) The idea that someone was once alive, who used to do and say and feel things like a functioning person, is just not there anymore frightens me more than anything. It's the circle of life but why should you understand it if you aren't even finished yet?

Victor's parents and Shelby were standing next to me. We were at the front of the church, next to the coffins. (A small part of me was surprised when we were allowed to hold it here- you know with them being who they are- but the people here were totally for it. The guy who I met was very nice about it) I was standing in the back earlier, avoiding the coffins and all the people, pretending that this was all fake, that they aren't really dead and that it was just a horrible horrible nightmare, but it looked wrong that I wasn't up there. I had to stop kidding myself around and do what I needed to do.

I've never been to church before. Dad told me that growing up he wasn't really taught anything about religion. He wasn't an atheist or agnostic, he believed that there was a greater power and everything, but he never had a good grasp on what it actually means. We just decided to have the funeral at the Big Church. This is not actually it's real name, I haven't actually learned what it is. We just kind of choose to have it here cause this is the closest place we have a connection to. We volunteered here before when they have a food or toy drive or something like that.

Another person came up to Dad and Victor. They were wearing the whole black ensemble and looked like they knew what they were doing. They were a few years older than Dad and Victor. They walked up to them, looked down on them, shed a few tears, touched the coffin and started to speak soft, quiet words to them.

Hey dingbat, let me tell you something, I don't know what you're doing but they can't hear anything you're saying anymore.

The random person left Dad and Victor and came to greet us living people. I recognized this person from the wedding but I couldn't put a name to the face. A lot of people who were at the wedding was here, and a lot of people who weren't at the wedding was also here as well. A general rule of thumb is that invite people you actually like to your wedding. If you and a random person have beef, or you haven't spoke to them in a while, don't invite them to your wedding, it can be that simple. But that rule doesn't really apply to funerals. People will become more lenient to another person once they're dead. Yesterday they were talking so much trash behind your back that it could've filled a dumpster, today they are crying over your grave and are sorry for all the pain and misery they caused you.

That person  let go of Victor's parents and went to go sit down. Majority of the people were sitting down. Everyone got their last chance to seem them. The coffins would be closed after this. That was half of the goodbye.

Victor's parents were standing next to Shelby was was standing next to me. Her husband was taking care of the kids while she was kind of busy with something else. I looked over to their parents and saw the state they were in. Hallow. Just Hallow. Not like me, not numb or else not feeling pain, just empty. They lost their only son. There's the infamous saying, which was actually a law too, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the army, which his dad was in, yet they loved their son so much that they were able to feel this pain. It's weird how love works like that. It becomes  your greatest weakness and your greatest strength. Some one you love would take a bullet for you but you don't want them to cause you can't imagine your life without them. 

You know if you sit on this for a bit, this funeral can be considered normal and abnormal at the same time. I, the daughter, the child, of the couple, was attending my parents funeral, normal; Victor's parents were attending their son's funeral, abnormal. Funerals usually take my route. I don't know if that is sad or not. 

Shelby was kind of like the Dani of their family. Her parents were not able to function properly and take care of themselves, plus she has kids to look after. She is going to have to keep putting one foot after another for everyone else and herself. There is always that one person who has to be like this during this time. But I know that when her kids are tucked for bed and her parents are put away everything that she is holding back will come out. Her husband, the person she said 'I do' to, her soulmate, will be there to be her rock when she is shaky, because that's is what a soulmate does. Be there for you no matter what. 

I was lost. I wasn't paying attention anymore. What was the point in doing so? There would be no one there to point out all the things in life to watch out for and avoid or else to appreciate and admire. I will have to figure that out on my own. I wish I didn't though. It's hard at times. You got to realize that parents grow up along side their kids. The parent teaches the kid about the world and about themselves and in turn the kids teaches the parents about the world and about themselves, even if parents don't admit it. This is going to sound controversial but that's parents treat their first born differently than the others, if they have any in the first place; the first born kid was the reason the once childless couple is now called parents.

Greyson came up to me. I only realize he did when he  shook me aggressively on the shoulders to snap me out of it. He was busy keeping an eye on Joshua. Those people, the ones from the wedding, were outside again this time doing it for different reasons. Joshua has been begging us all day to let him step out for five minutes but we had to say no for now. He is feeling horrible in the state he is in right now we can't imagine how he will feel when he is all jazzed up. Though this did create a slight tension between the 4 of us.

"Come sit," Greyson said to me quietly. I looked up and realized that the ceremony was kind of underway. We walked a little way down to the front row and sat down very slowly. The four of is were as close to Dad as you could get.

Greyson opened his jacket before sitting down. Rule of wearing suits: Open the jacket up when you are sitting and button it up when standing. He was fidgeting around as he tried to calm down. He was wearing a plain black suit, white shirt and black shoes, belt and tie, as was Joshua. Fitting for the occasion. Dani and I were having a were having a Little Black Dress moment, but a little longer and respectful to the environment we are in right now.

It was upsetting to me when I saw what we were wearing. It was stupid but it invoked some thoughts that I had. At the wedding we each wore our own outfit, matching very minimally, but our outfit said our name loud and clear. But at the funeral we were wearing the same outfit from head to toe. We looked like people in mourning. It looked like we were sad, which we were. 

The priest or whoever this person's position was, in relation to the church, got up to the altar. It wasn't Shelby this time; she didn't know how to and even if offered I am pretty sure she would've rejected the offer. They placed Victor to the left of the altar and Dad to the right of the altar. The altar was set a little behind them as though to highlight the reason why the place is feeling like this. It made me feel more sick than I already was. It was as though they were shoving it down my throat that they were dead.

There was music playing. It was extremely beautiful yet spoke of the pain of existence. It was me rewritten into music. There was a soft voice humming into the space, filling it up while a thunderous message was giving the inanimate concept a life. But why was there music playing? Was it in my head or was it in the real world? 

I looked to my right and noticed a choir was singing something. I didn't recognize it though. But as I kept on listening it sounded like how everyone felt like. Sad yet there was a relief in it. They kept on going for a second before the priest guy cut them off perfectly. He looked over the crowd, as though this was a big moment in his life and began speaking. 

I was paying attention for a bit but then lost my focus. It sounded no different to me than the wedding script, except he kept going on about the great life they lived instead of the great life they were going to have.

He went on to read some verses from the Bible. I never read the Bible before. He went on and quoted something and it was hard to wrap my head around. It was talking about how we must realize how we are responsible we are for our lives, especially after this death, and that God was showing us love or something like that. I never considered that there was divine or higher than me, it usually scared me to think about afterlife and all that.

I grew up with people who did attend church every Sunday or something like that, but they always told me that they were bored out of their minds when they went. I knew what they meant now. It was hot and there was too many people in here for my liking and this dress was the worst creation God created and I needed everything in me that I can't feel right now to come out but it can't. But maybe I was okay with not listening. They don't feel this pain every Sunday. They don't feel this heart wrenching, thrashing, absolutely fatal pain every Sunday. 

Finally the priest was speaking to individuals in the audience. He looked over to the front row, the family members of the deceased, and spoke softly to them. I pieced together that  was time for the family and loved ones to give speeches. Again. Round two, man.

Victor's mom went first but she was speaking for herself and her husband though. His dad had witnessed a lot of people, even young ones, die. He was able to go the funeral and keep on a straight face. But he was crying today. I guess that his dad wasn't able to bear through this one.

She went on about the amazing life that he led and that was going to be missed and everything else a parent would say at their kid's funeral. She also spoke a few words about her son-in-law, that she was so happy that they both found love in each other. She wished them peace.

Shelby went next. We didn't get to talk much before the funeral so we were just kind of winging it. She talked about that Victor, and soon Dad too, was her best friend and was glad that they got to know each other and walk through a little bit of life together. She tried to keep the tone of her speech not totally depressed but she had tears rolling down her face when she finished. She managed to wish them peace.

The others went next. It was fine to have this many people talking cause we got more than one person to remember and show our last bits of love to.

Dani went first. She talked about she will learn to be more caring and loving cause that what Dad and Victor was trying to teach her. She wished them peace.

Joshua went next. He talked about how he will learn to appreciate life more and learn to enjoy it. Dad and Victor went to certain lengths to teach him and to let him do so. He wished them peace.

Greyson was next. He talked about Dad and Victor being there for him. It was, more or less, the speech he gave at the wedding but he just used the past tense instead. He wished them peace.

"And now I would like to ask Daisy McCharty, the daughter of Clay and Victor, to say a few words."

The hand that was clutching my speech was shaking. This time I wanted to read off the paper I wrote my speech on. It would give me a chance to avert my eyes from everyone. But even so I wanted to stay seated, to run away, to not be here, to wished this never happened, but this will be my last act of bravery for them. Other people will take a stabbing for another person or else do something incredibly brave to save the person they love. All I have to do is give a dumb speech.

I walked to the altar and stood there before the crowd. First time being here. But it came with a huge disadvantage, something that was not needed, especially right now.

Dead people look interesting. A mortician does this thing call "Set the Features" where they make the corpse look whole again and, at the very least, pleasant to view. This means that they will close the eyes and mouth and all that stuff but there's a bit more. Like if the person had bad scarring, say like a huge cut across their face, the mortician will use makeup and other products to hide it.

It worked. All the cuts and bruises they had on their faces was gone. They looked clean. The mortician even shaved them and groomed them up, hair cuts and everything like that.

They both wore the same outfits. A plain black suit. It was clean and ironed and even the smell of fresh laundry was lingering in this area. If I was wearing a suit today then saw this I would've lost my mind. But looking at them felt wrong. This outfit was too simple for Victor and too much for Dad. I am pretty sure that if he could Victor would wake up and change into one of his more interesting clothing, and Dad would literally go put on jeans and a t-shirt.

But overall they didn't look beautiful or like themselves or at peace or shock or happy or whatever else other people will say about dead people. They just looked dead.

I ripped my eyes away from them and turned to face the crowd. Well really my eyes were set on the door but it made it look as though I was looking at the whole crowd. I just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

"Hello everyone. I first want to thank everyone for being here today. I know it is hard considering the circumstances, and to add to the fact that we had our owns lives to attend to, but thank you for attending the end of theirs. Today we all lost someone very dear to us. They were a friend, a real buddy, a brother, a son, a loving couple, and my parents.

"In many cultures and religions in the world there are three significant events in a person's life: The day they were born, the day they get married, and the day they die. I just so happened to attend two out of the three events in my parents life. Earlier this year I attended my parents wedding, and today I am at their funeral. The fact that it all happened in such little time is still very shocking to me.

"My parents died because a man passed out while driving. His heart actually stopped and when he awoke he jerked the wheel to the side to stop the car. So basically they died because of another person's health. They were doctors, radiologist to be exact. It's quite ironic, they way they died. The thing that was their job and what they got paid for was the thing that killed them.

"I remember the struggle my dad, my biological dad, that is, went through. He would wake up really early in the morning, like around 5 in the morning, and start his day. He would drop me off to school then would go to his day job. At 3 o'clock he would pick me up and for one glorious hour we pretended that everything was fine. We would munch on crackers I would bring from school and go sit at the park. He would help me with my homework, he always seemed to have the answer to every single question I asked, and he always made sure that I came home with a new book. He read with me for 20 minutes before he let me go play. We would then go to his afternoon job and I would go sit in the corner and just watch the scene around me. You never know what to expect in the fast food industry. At night we would attend his classes and then at around two in the morning we would go home. It was like that for a long time.

"Victor, my other dad, told me of his struggles too. At the age of 13 he left his family- in good terms, he just didn't want to keep moving high schools- to go live with his aunt and uncle. He told me that he used to experiment with things when he was younger. I never really asked what he really did though because he clean for the most part, he told me very clearly when we first hung out cause he knew I didn't like those things. He would indulge with a drink or something else from time to time, its a very long process to quit an addiction, but I didn't bother much. He always knew when to stop. I worried more about building our relationship, and his romantic relationship with my dad, than what his dumb 19 year old self did.

"I think what we can learn from these two individuals can be carried on throughout lifetimes. That your struggle is temporary, that the solution is on its way. That your past doesn't you. That hard work will pay off. That love is the answer. And to enjoy being human because why would you want to hate the most wonderful thing about yourself. Only us humans can feel as we feel, so the only thing I ask you is to continue to feel this beauty every day, no matter what. If we lose this we lose who we are.

"Dad, Victor, I love you guys. Thank you for everything that you did for me. Thank you for all the lives you touched and cherished. Thank you for all the love you showed everyone in your life and what it means. I know you probably won't be able to hear this but thank you for letting me be your daughter, and thank you for being my parents. I wouldn't have traded any second of it for the world. Please, I beg you both, rest in peace and prosperity.

"Thank you."

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