Caleb and I stood on the Steep Rock cliffs as the sun rose higher in the sky. We had a long drive to Paint Lake today, yet we lingered here like in a hot shower after a day of winter sports. I'd wrapped my arms around his torso and released a contented sigh while listening to his heartbeat.

"You're snugglier than I imagined you'd be," he said.

It was impossible not to want to bury myself in his embrace. He kept the world and my insecurities at bay. I only hoped I did the same for him.

"I warned you at the wedding. Plus, I slept on you on the plane and stole every hug I could get."

He beamed down at me. "I never said it was a bad thing." His face drew closer to mine. "I love it."

We'd shared several kisses this morning, from the ones he'd placed on my head and cheek to tender moments like now when the world faded around us. But that fade only lasted a minute as a loud family approached with excited, yelping kids. We pulled apart.

"I suppose it's nearly time to move on," I sighed. As much as I longed to see polar bears and belugas, each destination got us closer to our goodbye. As naïve a question as it was, if we never moved, would this last forever?

"Suppose so." Yet his hands rested on my hips. "It's funny, I planned this entire trip without ever predicting which places would mean the most. I doubt I'll forget Steep Rock."

"Neither will I."

It was where Caleb opened up, and I jumped off an emotional cliff. While it was terrifying and didn't have quite the results I wanted, I didn't regret it for a second. This closeness was worth it.

We walked hand in hand back to the car. Even the slightest touch made me giddy. He adorably rushed to open the driver's door when I unlocked it with the key fob. I had to fight laughter as I slipped inside. He was over-the-top, but I adored that side of him.

The sun had warmed the vehicle's interior in our absence, so I rolled the windows down until the slow air conditioning kicked in, and we retraced our path back to the main highway north. The breeze and warm air were quite soothing, but they would put me to sleep if the temperature increased.

As we traversed the pine channel and the car cooled, Caleb's gaze kept flickering to me. It didn't seem like he wanted to say anything, but he didn't look away.

"Enjoying the view?" I teased as he hadn't glanced out the window or windshield much.

"Very much so. You're beautiful."

A smile bloomed on my lips. "You're more complimentary than I thought you'd be."

"I complimented you plenty in the past. Though if I let all of them slip out, I'd scare you off."

That was unlikely. The only time Caleb and scary joined forces was to describe me confessing my feelings or the idea of us ending.

"Depends what they were."

"Okay, you're adorable when you fidget with the ends of your hair when you're nervous or want to say something important. Watching you light up as you show me around new places is as captivating as the place itself. And you have the softest skin that feels amazing every time we touch."

Even though I'd thrown on the air conditioning, my cheeks burned and I glanced at Caleb's smiling face. His eyes hesitantly met mine, as if in question. I couldn't help but poke a little fun at him.

"You're right, those are downright terrifying statements. If I weren't driving, I'd tuck and roll straight into the ditch."

"This far from any major centre?"

"I'm resourceful."

He chuckled. "I don't doubt that."

The silence that settled between us gave me time to contemplate. I swallowed as I considered which of the many things about him I wanted to share. The bright sun beating through the windshield did no favours for my nervous sweating.

"If we are still on the topic of terrifying compliments, you make me happier than I've been in a long while, and you are the most understanding and accepting person I've met. Having you in the room grounds me in a way I've never experienced. Plus, I love your enthusiasm, your million facts, and how compassionate and sweet you are. It's impossible not to fall for you because you are everything I want and need in a partner."

Caleb's smile was radiant, and it was thrilling to have caused it.

"I feel the same about you." 

My grip tightened on the steering wheel as a swell of emotion crashed into me. While each of those statements was true, it wouldn't last. How did you keep living your life as it was when there was someone this well-suited to you who returned your tidal wave of affection, yet you couldn't be with? Would any connection after this live up to Caleb?

I didn't want to think about that.

After he placed his warm hand on mine, I took a calming breath and I focused on our conversation.

"I'd call you handsome too, but it always seems disingenuous since I don't experience sexual or aesthetic attraction. To me, it's like saying you have brown hair. It's more of a fact than a meaningful compliment to me," I said.

"That's fine. I'll take it either way."

"I like your accent a lot."

He grinned. "Audrey Clarke, are you admitting you're somewhat attracted to me?"

I shook my head. "Of course, I am you goof. Just maybe not in the way you're used to."

When he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, I fought to keep my eyes on the bumpy two-lane road.

"I've been meaning to talk about this, but wasn't sure how to bring it up or if I should. When you told me you were asexual, I didn't get it. So I did some research and have a much better idea now."

"I was curious about your chill response. So it was out of lack of understanding."

"Initially yes, but I'm good with it." That look in his beautiful green eyes was so sincere. I wouldn't expect anything less from him.

"You don't seem like the person to challenge it."

"And when you said ace, where do you land on the spectrum? I've ruled out aromantic, but there are so many different options grey and demi and..." He scratched his neck.

So he had researched in some depth to understand it. My heart warmed that he cared that much.

"I'm neither. During my late teens and early twenties, I was in relationships where I experimented sexually out of curiosity and wanting to please my partner before I understood myself, but I've also had one where there were no expectations, and I was much happier and relaxed with him while still experiencing no sexual attraction."

Trevor's love had healed me in ways I didn't realize I needed, which was why it stung so much to have hurt him. Though I like to think I raised his relationship bar to women who care about him and don't devalue him by cheating.

Caleb rapped his fingers absentmindedly on the car door, and I focused back on the present. A corridor of pine trees still flanked the road as they likely would continue all the way to Thompson.

"I'd much prefer that, if you're open to it," I said.

He smiled. "I want to do what makes you happy. If you won't enjoy it, I certainly won't."

"Are you sure?"

It was easy to say now, but later it could be different. Although Trevor had never challenged me during our relationship. Now that we weren't together, I could ask him if it had ever bothered him and get an honest answer. I suspected he hid some of his feelings to avoid hurting me while we dated.

"If sex risks ruining what we have, I don't want or need it."

"It's easy to say in a week-long relationship."

"And long-term, if that ever became an option for us."

My chest constricted as I fought to take in the next breath. It could, right? He wouldn't bring that up otherwise. It wouldn't be soon, but perhaps someday.

He ran a hand through his dark, tousled hair. "To be honest, I haven't... experienced that kind of attraction toward you yet."

I blinked a few times to help my dry eyes as the information settled in. "Sexual attraction?"

He nodded.

Was he for real? While he looked at me less lustfully than others, I'd never thought to connect that with a lack of sexual attraction.

"Not when I gracefully fell into your lap on the plane?" That would inspire sensual thoughts for many allosexual men.

He chuckled and cleared his throat. "There was a certain reaction to where you were. But I'm sure you know that arousal and sexual attraction are not the same thing."

I did. Just because your body reacted to a romantic or somewhat sexual situation, fantasy, or stimulation didn't mean you desired sex. So did Caleb experience that infrequently if he hadn't felt that for me?

"You said yet. So you've been sexually attracted to others."

"People I deeply cared about and trusted. Two I dated, and another was a friend."

That fun jealousy sensation danced in my chest, but I reminded myself he'd said he hadn't had many meaningful relationships. Although they had been significant enough for him to crave sex. That was a double-edged sword as I wanted him to care about me, but I also didn't want our relationship to suffer from the tension of unreciprocated sexual desire.

"But no one else?"

He shook his head.

At first, I hadn't quite understood the reason he'd asked if I was grey or demi, but if he saw himself in one of those identities, it explained why he'd asked to check if we had that in common. But what were the odds that we both fell on the ace spectrum? Was it bad manners to ask despite how much easier our relationship would be if he said yes?

"I'm still determining where, but I may also be on the asexuality spectrum," he said.

"That's why you mentioned graysexuality and demisexuality?" 

He nodded. "Until you mentioned asexuality, I didn't realize that my experience was that different... I always considered myself a gentleman, one who gets to know the person very well before they want to engage in a physically intimate relationship. But I'd never acknowledged it wasn't a choice, given I didn't have any sexual attraction to fight early on."

I understood how that could be confusing, especially if he experienced sexual attraction at different moments. When I'd been considering asexuality, so many factors like my previous experiences and choices had me questioning if I was ace enough to call myself asexual. But you could be asexual regardless of whether you had, still have, or never had sex.

Caleb focused on his tanned hands and his thumbs traced circles over his khaki shorts. "My mates would comment about people they wanted to shag, but I never registered that those were more than sayings to show they liked the person. I assumed my romantic preferences were a little more old-fashioned and romantic, not that an entire identity existed around it. But now that I know, I feel quite oblivious."

"I get that." When you didn't experience something, it was hard to imagine the part that was missing.

My sexual experiences hadn't been forced. They had seemed like the next natural step, and I'd wanted to experience them, not because of sexual attraction, but because I was curious and considered it part of growing up. When they hadn't gone well, we'd thought, the second or third time's the charm, and because I wanted the relationship to work in that way and to experience what others raved about, I kept trying with diminishing success. I had wanted for my body to want sex, but it never did. Not long after, the relationships would fall apart, and while my partners didn't blame our sex lives and we had other points of incompatibility, I sensed it was an unspoken factor.

As I discovered more about asexuality, it gave me more confidence to accept that part of myself. It was fine to want a relationship, but not sex. It didn't diminish your feelings for your partner or invalidate your bond. Although it ruled out many potential partners who would or could not have a non-sexual relationship, it didn't eliminate all of them. Trevor and Caleb were case and point.

"How long have you known?" I asked.

"Not long... just after our conversation. I think that's part of the problem I had in the past. Women could sense that I wasn't acting like I wanted them, at least not quickly enough in their eyes."

"I love that you act that way."

He smiled shyly at me. "I haven't felt that for you... not yet. Not because I don't care about or trust you, I do, so much. It may be too soon."

"It's fine Caleb. If I understand anything well, it's that you can like someone romantically with no need to be sexually attracted to them. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me."

He ran a hand along my shoulder and upper back, giving my shoulder a light squeeze. "No matter what happens between us, I'll always cherish this and you."

I bit my lip and fought the tears biting at my eyes. I'd felt the same way about Trevor. He was the first to see and accept me for me, even if it never worked out. Despite a sliver of optimism and Caleb's reassurances, it seemed like we were heading down the same road. The weight of an adult elephant crushed my heart.

"I will too," I choked out.

Caleb stroked my neck. "Audrey?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

I took a breath of cool air. "Yeah, I've got some personal shit to work out, but I do. No matter how much it'll hurt in the end, I want to be with you."

The idea of not being with him during this trip killed me. I wanted every ounce of sweet affection possible.

"Positive?"

I nodded as a tear slipped out of my control.

His whisper was gentle. "I'll still call to hear your voice and see your smile when we're apart."

"I hope you do."

"And you can talk to me about what you're going through now or in the future."

"When I'm ready, I will."

He kissed my tear-streaked cheek. I turned on the car's CD player and let the smooth and soulful voice of William Prince fill the car. Though the lyrics of 'When you Miss Someone' were poorly timed for my fragile heart.

"I will call. I promise." His smile was as tentative as my hope.

As we arrived at the intersection with Highway 6, I slowed down. The turn signal clicked away as we prepared to leave the 239 road to Steep Rock and the dawn of our real relationship. But despite how much we both longed to, we couldn't linger there forever. Life kept moving whether or not we wanted it to, and we had to keep adapting or it would take off without us.  

Another bittersweet chapter for our couple. They'll be arriving in Little Limestone Lake in next week's chapter for some lakeside fun :)

Just a note on the conversation about asexuality: Audrey's reflections and experiences are part of a spectrum. Not all ace people will have sex or will need to have sex to confirm their identity. Some know their identity and have and have had no desire to have a sexual relationship. Not all ace people will need to have a relationship that involves no sex either. Some may have it or want to have it despite not feeling sexual attraction (cupiosexuality). Some people experience sexual attraction very infrequently, at a low intensity or only in specific circumstances (graysexuality), and some only experience sexual desire for those they have formed an emotional bond (demisexuality). If you feel anything is being being misrepresented, please do reach out.