As Caleb's lips parted, someone yelled my name with the enthusiasm champagne brought and a cluster of my friends joined us on the dance floor.

We settled into regular dancing as if my heart wasn't waiting on bated breath for his response. But it never came as Trevor and Serenity joined the group. Caleb must have taken it as a cue to hold me, which at any other point would have been welcome, especially with the growing closeness between us, but not when Trevor tensed up. I'd caused that man enough pain for a lifetime, so I whispered to Caleb that it was okay, and he released me.

"I said I'd introduce you earlier," I explained.

He ran a hand through his hair and bit his bottom lip. "Anything I need to know?"

I shook my head. "Just be yourself." 

Although I wasn't sure how much of tonight was Caleb being himself and how much was his acting. Our connection after his phone call seemed like more than that, and the conversation moments ago was far too soul-baring to be fake. No one cared that much for show.

We walked over to Trev and his date, receiving smiles from them both.

"Enjoying the wedding?" Caleb's voice wasn't as relaxed as normal but still sounded friendly.

Trevor looked Caleb over from the dark suit jacket, hugging his torso to his green tie. "We are."

"This is Caleb," I put my arm across his back, "And this is Trevor and Serenity."

Everyone expressed their semi-sincere nice to meet yous.

Serenity maintained her smile and took Trevor's hand. "That was quite the dance show you two put on."

Caleb laughed and grinned. "Wouldn't be a proper wedding if we didn't annoy the bride a little." He met my eye, inspiring the same warmth he had all day. "Better us than Vince. I'm sure he's looking forward to tonight once we bugger off."

Trevor studied Caleb's tanned face. "Do you know Vince?"

"We're old mates from his year abroad back in secondary school, or high school is what you call it here. He stayed with my family, and we took classes together. Great bloke, but you all know that."

"So you're here because of that?" Trevor's gaze darted between me and my date.

"That and Audrey." Caleb broke into a grin. "When we heard we were invited to the same wedding, I accepted as quickly as she jumps into the ocean for an adventure. We've been doing long distance, but it's not a walk in the park."

Trevor shot me a look with pain in his eyes. Fuck, that stung. I should never have started this fake relationship. While I'd wanted a buffer from him, I had thought it was to protect us from awkwardness, not to hurt him more than I already had.

Caleb ruffled his hair again. "Perhaps it's more of a short-distance relationship. We're a few time zones apart, but there's nothing like being together."

"That's sweet." Serenity put her arm around Trevor in a side hug.

His expression continued to crumble, and it was like I was back at his place, breaking his heart again. I needed to leave before I caused any more damage.

"I'll be right back."

Without waiting for a response, I bolted from the barn and toward the benches near the altar. My breaths came out heavy as my each step pounded into the ground.

Bring a fake date to the wedding, Audrey. It'll be a fun distraction.

Fuck. What kind of asshole did that?

My chest trembled with each breath.

I wanted Trevor to have moved on and thought he would have, but he still liked me enough to get this hurt. I didn't deserve to be loved that much. Serenity deserved that, as did Trevor, Claire and Minji and many of my other friends, but I didn't, especially not from Trevor nor Caleb either, should I be selfish enough to let it reach that point.

I looked up at the clouds lingering in the sky, whose blue faded in intensity as the sun crawled toward the horizon. A slow breath left my lips, and I bowed my head, staring instead at the rings in the wood on the bench, tracing them to calm the tension in my chest.

After a few minutes of peace with the muffled noise of the DJ's playlist, Caleb dropped onto a bench across from me.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

I shook my head and massaged my temples as a headache formed. Caleb needed to run from me as quickly as possible before I hurt him too.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'm the asshole and idiot. How did I not see that this would cause him more pain?"

Caleb looked at me with sympathy I didn't deserve. "You can't control how other people feel."

"But I knew he liked me. Why else would he message me before the wedding? My first response was to get into a fake relationship with some stranger I met on the flight. Who the fuck does that?" My nails scraped against my scalp.

Caleb looked at his black shoes and sighed. Shit, I couldn't even hate myself without collateral damage.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. You're much more than some stranger, and I meant to insult myself, not you. You're great."

Unlike you, you're an asshole, Audrey.

The bench creaked as Caleb stood and sat beside me, our legs touching until I pulled away. Couldn't he tell he needed to run from me as fast as possible?

"How long has it been since you broke up?" His gentle voice soothed me.

"Two years."

"That's enough time that it's fair that you thought he'd be over you."

Why was Caleb still here and defending me? I hurt people, and my pattern hadn't changed. It had happened with Paul, although we'd both thrown emotional punches by the end of that disaster of a relationship, with Trevor, and I'm sure I'd disappointed an eager tourist or two while abroad. My heart was incapable of trusting and connecting with anyone in a lasting way. 

"Is it? Most people fall in love forever, and I can hardly manage a two-year relationship. Even within those years, I thought about leaving more than once."

I'd never said that aloud to anyone else, as they would have all looked at me like I was sprouting antennae from my scalp, but Caleb deserved to know what I was like to save himself.

Trevor was a walking green flag, sweet, honest, and loving, and I couldn't envision a long-term life with him. When I was upset with him or we'd fought, I'd imagine cutting him out of my life and running without saying a word to be alone again. Some people thought being alone was the worst, but to me, that was fine. When I was alone, I expected solitude, but it independence and freedom offset it. However, feeling alone with the person I loved destroyed me the most. You weren't supposed to be lonely and misunderstood around them, but I was.

I waited for Caleb to recoil, but he just looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "Perhaps it wasn't the right relationship for you. Unless you don't want a relationship at all. There's nothing wrong with that either."

Enter Caleb, green flag number two with an understanding and acceptance of not only asexuality but aromanticism too. But the latter didn't apply to me, as I craved that couple's connection and wanted the romance that came with it: falling asleep in each other's arms, snuggling to watch movies together, walking hand-in-hand at amazing destinations, swimming and kissing under a waterfall. Admittedly, I'd already done the last one with a Brazilian tourist, but we'd decided we made better friends than romantic partners given my asexuality.

But that lifelong commitment? It scared me more than sharks or a lionfish sting. If you chose incorrectly, your happiness, and self-worth would plunge deeper than the Mariana Trench. Despite the risk, I still wanted love and a longterm partner. Someone who'd take fun trips with me when we got old, who'd tuck me into a warm blanket when I was sick, and who felt their life was better with me in it. I just doubted that person existed.

"I enjoy being in relationships when they're good. It's the permanency that scares me. No matter how great it is, I always have an escape plan."

"I get it. My parents have challenges in their marriage, and if I had in-laws who hoped my relationship would fail like my grandparents, I'd be hesitant to commit. My dad puts up with a lot from her family and other people, but my mom also supports him almost every step of the way, and he does the same for her."

That sounded amazing, though Trevor had supported me through job changes, scuba discovery trips, and figuring out my asexuality. But for his dreams about our future, I couldn't summon the same enthusiasm. My guilt over that had eaten away at me, convincing me I would forever be a dissapointment to him.

"Trevor was always so supportive and incredible, and his family too. I got spooked when he wanted it to be more permanent. Imagining our life together gave me anxiety, and it seemed like none of my dreams would come true if I stayed, nor would his."

"Did he know what your dreams were?"

"I think he assumed they were less life-changing than I did. Travelling abroad was a holiday for him, whereas I wanted it to be a new chapter of my life."

"Did you two discuss this?"

I chewed on my bottom lip. "Not seriously until it was too late. I'd already broken his heart."

"But if you stayed, would you have been happy?"

"I don't know. He made me happy, but it would have always sensed something was missing. And I realize how entitled that makes me seem."

"We're all entitled in our own ways. I shouldn't be on this trip, but I am. I shouldn't be enjoying it this much, but I am."

His statements inspired many questions, but each time I asked, he didn't want to discuss it, so I stayed quiet to see if he'd say more.

When he didn't, I said, "You deserve to have fun. It seems like you need it."

He sighed. "I do, but so do other people, yet I'm the one who gets it when they can't have it. It isn't fair to them, but I can't stop myself from doing it."

I nudged his shoulder. "Look at us, a couple of Guilty Guses. Must be why we get along so well."

He chuckled. "Here I hoped it was my charming personality."

I laughed too. "That certainly helps."

"Whenever you've had enough, we can take off. I planned a day to see Vince after the Churchill trip, so don't feel bad about pulling me away from here."

I didn't want to ruin this night for him or Claire. If I'd developed a talent beyond lying growing up in my household, it was repressing my emotions. I took a few deep breaths from deep in my stomach, pushing the guilt into some unsuspecting corner of my body, and swiped away my tears.

You are strong and compassionate. You can be there for Claire and Vince, and you can help Caleb have a good time to forget whatever the hell he won't talk about.

"No need to leave so early. We'll cool it on the couple-talk around Trev and avoid mentioning long-distance. He wanted to do that when I first told him about the trip, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I understand why he was so hurt when you brought it up." My voice only trembled a little by the end.

Caleb stared at his hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that."

"It's my fault, not yours. Most fake wedding dates aren't monsters."

"You're not a monster. We make mistakes. It's what makes us human." 

What on earth had I done to deserve and attract a man like Caleb? I should have run to spare him pain, but based on tonight he needed me just like I needed him. I couldn't abandon him when he'd done so much for me. Perhaps this time I wouldn't screw it up.

He stood and extended his hand toward me. "To the dance floor?"

I smiled in response and rose from the bench. "Yes, I need to see what other ridiculous dance moves you have in your arsenal."

"Just wait." He grinned.