My mind drifted back two years to a conversation I'd tried to forget between Trevor and me.

"Do we have to break up? I can't come with you on such short notice, but I support your decision to go. I'll visit you when I can take holidays," Trevor had said.

The future that he'd wanted together made me nauseous and uncomfortable, which was irrational. Moving in as a couple was a normal step, and considering where to buy a house someday was too. But both made me feel claustrophobic, and I imagined sitting in a house for the rest of my life watching the snow fall in the winter and melt in the spring every year until I died. There was so much of my life I hadn't lived. Trevor saw this trip as me pausing before having that life together, where I dreaded being trapped in this province, where I imagined no future for myself.

A small part of me still wanted to meet someone who loved taking adventures all over the world, and who was as hungry for those experiences as I was. Maybe we'd meet on a tour or at a hostel or while I worked abroad. It was silly and selfish, especially since Trevor was an absolute catch who loved me and treated me so well. Breaking his heart was destroying me inside, but having a life together that didn't make us both happy wasn't right either. I wanted someone who shared my dreams and didn't see them as a temporary indulgence. And I wanted him to have a person who dreamed of the big things he did, like kids, with their whole hearts. Deep down, I didn't want that, and I also didn't want him to miss out on it because he loved me.

"I think it's what's best for us. We want different things."

His eyes glistened like a shimmering ocean as he took my hands in his. Even though I bit my lip, it didn't prevent the same from happening to me.

"I want you, Audrey. I love you. More than anything."

Tears descended both of our cheeks.

"I love you too, Trev. But I don't want a brief holiday, I want to live abroad and see the world. That may take years. Is that the life you dream of?"

He opened his mouth and closed it. "I don't know how I could do that. But I'll wait and visit you, and when you're ready–"

"That's the problem, Trev. I don't think I want that. You want a house in the country with a cute family, and the more I consider, the more I realize I don't want kids."

"We don't need to have kids, maybe we'll get a dog," he whispered. "Just don't end this, please, Drea."

I had considered staying or taking a short trip and coming back before I told Trevor, truly and honestly had. But when I booked the flight, I couldn't do the return fare. The thought of all the places to explore and dive lit a spark I hadn't felt since my first ocean dive in Mexico. I didn't feel that about moving in with Trevor, or when he brought up looking at houses or apartments, or when my friends would tease me that I'd be the next one engaged. He deserved a partner who cared more than I did and who wasn't scared of those dreams.

"Trev, I won't do that to you. I know you want a family and to teach your kids to play hockey and share your love of nature with them. You deserve that with someone who also wants it and who loves you with their whole heart."

"Drea, please. We love each other, and that's all I want." His voice shook, and he sniffled.

I pulled him into a hug, as seeing him like this gutted me. Despite our breakup, he was still my best friend, and I loved him more than anyone else. Just not in the way he dreamed of being loved.

"I'm sorry, Trev. I'm not the right person for you, but you'll find her. You're amazing."

"I don't want anyone else."

More tears streamed down my face, and he wiped them away. Our foreheads pressed together as we both tried to catch our breath.

"I don't want this to end." He wasn't asking me to stay, but his eyes were begging me to reconsider.

The same ache lingered in my heart. I had to go, but I didn't want to give this up either. "We have until my flight leaves."

He leaned closer and stopped, gazing into my eyes with his bright blue ones. "Are you sure?"

"Only if you are."

He brushed his nose and cheek against mine, tickling my skin with his beard. "You're the only thing I'm sure of."

My breath hitched as more of my tears fell. "I'm sorry. If our paths had never crossed, you wouldn't be in so much pain."

"I would never want that. The pain means what we have is real. No one has loved me the way you have. And I'll never forget that."

His words released a tightness in my chest. He didn't regret me or us.

Trevor kissed me deeply and slowly, and I did the same, trying to imprint this love in my memory to carry me through the scary impulsive move to Southeast Asia.

"Drea," he whispered against my lips. "If you're out there, and you change your mind after a month or six or even a year or two, come home. There'll always be a place for you here. Only you and me, no pressure for kids or moving in together, just us."

"Don't say that, Trev. I want you to move on and find the next love of your life. You're amazing, and you deserve that."

He brushed my cheek with his calloused fingertips. "I don't want to think about anyone but you."

As if sensing my overwhelmed mind, he distracted me with kisses. They both stung and warmed me, knowing these moments were numbered, and my heart crumbled further and further.

***

"Audrey?" Caleb asked.

Somehow I'd pressed myself into his warm chest where a few tears had wet his shirt. I grimaced and pulled away, adjusting my eyes to the sunny day. 

"Sorry," I muttered. How hard was tonight going to be if I couldn't look at Trevor without crying? Would he think I still loved him?

And did I?

The question twisted my stomach into a burning knot.

"Do you want to sit, or can I get you a glass of water?"

I tried to wipe my eyes discretely, even if the wetness on his shirt betrayed my emotions. "I'll be fine."

Caleb's gaze didn't stray from me, and it was clear he didn't believe me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head and took a deep breath to recompose myself. With an exhalation, I shoved my feelings back into the dark corner and trapped them there with shoddy duct tape work. They could break free at any moment, but I'd keep fighting them. Caleb watched me with concern in his eyes but kept his word not to ask about it.

Vince was around talking to a few of his buddies from university, so I suggested we speak with him. It would take a minute before I could handle my friends who could read me better, and Caleb had come all this way to see his buddy. 

As we approached Vince introduced Caleb to his friends. The guys cracked the knifey spoony reference from the Simpsons, which Caleb laughed lightly at before answering their questions about Australia and what Vince was like as a teenager. It sounded like the two went on plenty of hikes and excursions together with Caleb's dad when he wasn't working. He also slipped in that I took him on a few fun hikes around the city.

Vince turned to Caleb. "I feel like a terrible host, inviting you all this way and letting someone else show you around. If you're free tomorrow, we'll hang out."

"It's fine, mate. It's the day after your wedding, enjoy it. Audrey's wonderful." He grinned at me but kept his hands to himself. "And I'm quite excited we're spending more time together. We'll be getting ready for the drive up north tomorrow anyway."

"We?" Vince raised an eyebrow. "Audrey's coming after all?"

"All I needed was an invitation. I must have charmed him enough to earn one."

The way Caleb smiled at me erased some of my earlier guilt. Did that make me a terrible person?

"While I have you, I should introduce you around. My folks would love to meet you. They were looking forward to meeting Lil—"

Caleb coughed when he and Vince shared a look. "I'd love to meet them."

What was it about that name that kept triggering Caleb? Would he ever tell me?

Neither of us was ready to open up, another sign that as fun and connected as I was to Caleb, what we had wasn't real. Even with the upcoming trip, I doubted we'd get into more than surface-level conversations. Which was for the best, because opening up to Trevor had led to us falling for each other and the painful discovery that my heart couldn't love him how he needed to be. The same would happen on the odd chance this fake relationship turned into more with Caleb.

As I walked with him and Vince, a familiar voice called my name.

Part 2 of 2 posted today. 

I'm working on the ceremony scene next, and we'll get to see who else is seeking Audrey out next chapter :)