Joana

"I do not understand how you survive," Karpov said, sitting in a chair in front of Joana. They had just wiped Bucky and sent him away, somewhere she did not know. "Just a few days ago, you were almost beaten to death by the man you claim to love, and yet, here you are, a glitter of hope still in your eyes. Tell me your secrets."

Joana smiled, baring her teeth like fangs.

"My body is a vessel," she told him. "You can hurt my body and never touch my mind."

"I am no Greek philosopher, Joana. Use simple terms a man like me can understand."

"I know many languages, Karpov, but Danika never taught me to speak dog."

This wasn't the first time that her biting wit and sarcasm had gotten her a backhand across the face. As Karpov sat back down, Joana shifted her jaw back and forth then shook her head.

"You hit like a girl," she said to him, nonchalant. He struck her again. And again. And then again. She started laughing, her teeth stained red.

"Why...." He hit her again. "Won't...." Another hit. "You...." One final hit to her face. "Die?"

"Because!" She yelled, startling him backwards. His knuckles were bloody and bruised, but it looked nothing like her face. Her eyes were swollen, and her lips busted. The wound on her cheek tore open. "Because I can't!"

She heaved, her chest rising and falling quickly. She started hyperventilating, tears of grief and anger clouding her eyes.

"Because you can beat me and choke me and tie me up. Because you can take my dignity and my innocence and my love. Because you can take my family and my friends and my life. Because you can take my name and drag it through the mud. And still, even through all of that, you cannot take my freedom, no matter how hard you try."

"But, Joana, you're trapped here. You can't leave. Everything you've done, you've had no control over."

"That's what you don't understand, Karpov," she told him, a soft smile on her face. "Freedom isn't the ability to move your arms or see the sun every morning. Freedom is in the mind. And my mind, you cannot take away."

Karpov said nothing. He just stared at her, cold and hard, as if trying to read her mind.

"You think you took Bucky's mind from him, but you can't, not fully. You saw, just a few days ago. No matter how hard you try to desensitize me to him, you can't, because his mind is still partially his own. Don't think I don't know you've been pondering whether or not I should go through that blender." Her eyes glanced over to the the machine behind Karpov. "But you know I'll come out on the other side. I will. Not some super assassin. That's why you haven't put me through it yet. Because I'll survive. I always do."

"Why?" He asked. Joana was surprised to see real inquiry on his face.

Why? Why did she survive? What did she have to fight for? What was there for her after she escaped?

Joana shrugged.

"I survive for myself," she said finally. "I survive because there is so much I can do. Because I deserve the chance to live."

Karpov didn't seem to like that answer because he stood up and left. Joana was left to sit and ponder his question. Why was she so dead set on surviving? What did she have left. Anyone from her past would either be dead or dying. The only one who wasn't was Bucky. Was she surviving for Bucky? Did she really think they could ever escape? How many times had she tried and failed? Even if she managed to get out, could she be so naive to think that either of them would ever be the same?

If not, why was she still alive?

These questions would haunt her for days. She would sit and ponder, unsure of any kind of answer. Every time she seemed to think of something, it would fade as if unimportant.

Who was she living for?

The day came when she finally came upon an answer that seemed reasonable.

She was surviving for Joana Kegley, the 20-some-years-old girl from Brooklyn who was madly in love and madly devastated by her loss. She was surviving for the girl who loved her life, loved her sister, loved her Grams. She was surviving for the girl who missed her parents and her brother. She was surviving for the girl who didn't think she would ever get any farther than her grandmother's shop. The innocent one, the one who didn't know what death was, the one who's biggest issue was the color of her skin.

She was surviving the girl she used to be.

She was surviving for Joana Kegley.

And she would not let her down.

The most peculiar thing happened in the next few days. Maybe peculiar wasn't the best word, but it was the only word she could use to describe what was going on.

Recently, Bucky wasn't the only one coming and going from behind the door on the opposite side of the room. Four other men and a blonde haired woman who looked quite a bit like Danika seemed to be inhabitants of whatever strange room that lay beyond the door. They too were wiped, like Bucky was. She found it strange that their screams echoed off the walls the same ways Bucky's did. She found it strange how she couldn't keep her baring when they screamed. She found herself begging for their release the same way she did for Bucky.

These five people she'd never met before were humans, just like she was, just like Bucky was, and they didn't deserve this.

The third time she saw the woman being wiped, she recognized her. The memories of when she was taking Pierce's test, wandering the base like a lab rat in a maze filled her mind. She had tried to put those things out of her thoughts, for they were too terrible. However, she remembered. She remembered the girl in the training room when she walked by. She remembered screaming at her in her head to run. And here she was, sitting in a torture device meant to fry your brain.

The thought of it made Joana tear up.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as the woman screamed her lungs out. "I'm so sorry."

There was nothing she could have done. She should have done something. There was nothing she could have done. She should have done something. There was nothing-

The memory of the two girls in the chairs suddenly hit her. That was her old room they were in, the same room where she spent her first years at HYDRA. The living twin was sitting in the very chair she had sat, the dead one taking the place of Bucky. She refused to see the foreshadowing in that image. She refused to think anything of it. But she found herself being able to think of nothing else than the bitter taste it left in her mouth.

When Karpov entered the room to claim the woman in the chair, Joana tried to stop him.

"Let her go," she begged, tugging against her chains. "She's innocent."

Karpov turned to Joana with a laugh.

"You really think Elvira Yaroslava is innocent?" His laugh was cruel and dark. "You are dreadfully mistaken, Joana. Elvira, like the other four, volunteered for this position, Joana. They were our best killers, besides the Soldier, before all of this." He turned to Elvira with pride in his eyes. "Just imagine what they could do now."

Joana didn't want to imagine what they could do, but she no longer felt sorry for them. She no longer cried and begged for their release when they were wiped. She generally sat in a state of confusion. Why would they ask for this? Why would they undergo this torture on purpose? Who in their right mind-

It occurred to her that, maybe, they weren't in their right mind. Maybe they were like Danika, born and raised in HYDRA. Maybe they weren't as smart or informed as Danika had been. Maybe HYDRA was more careful about those they bred, so they didn't turn out like Danika. Maybe.

But there was no way to be sure. Joana wasn't really sure about much of anything anymore.

The dream came to her one night after Bucky had been brought from behind the door, shivering and cold, and was wiped. The dream in of itself was weird, as she didn't dream very often anymore, however, this dream was very different from any other dream she had since coming to HYDRA.

There was no blood, no death. There were no HYDRA agents, no Pierce or Karpov or Commander. There was pending doom and nothing sad. It was happy. It was carefree. It was life before HYDRA. Before the War. Before Bucky and Steve. Before Brooklyn.

She was sitting with Winnie in their house in Winchester, Virginia. Jackson, their older brother, was talking with their mother and father in the kitchen. The dream consisted of their small family moments, of times when she played tag with Jackson outside in the garden, or when mother would give her and Winnie baths, or when her father sat her down and laughed when she said she punched a boy in the nose for calling her sister ugly.

She dreamed of memories of her family, when they were all together. She dreamed of Grams' visit to their house a few weeks before they moved in with her. They were all there, all together, all happy, all in her childhood home.

And then she woke up, and it was all taken from her.

She woke with tears running down her face, sobs already shaking her body. Her heart ached. This was the same feeling she felt when Peggy Carter told her, all those years ago, that Steve and Bucky weren't coming. This was that same feeling, but so many times worse.

Knowing what that feeling meant only made her cry harder. She was alone in the large, empty room, as she usually was. She let herself sob and cry as she mourned the loss of the dream because she knew what it meant. It meant the need to mourn her family.

She wondered how it happened. Age definitely took her Grams, but that woman was stubborn if stubborn was a person. She wondered if her parents thought of her as they left. She hoped that her name was on her big brother's lips as he breathed his last. And Winnie....

Joana couldn't imagine Winnie dying. She was just as stubborn as Grams was. It didn't seem possible for Winnie to be gone. But Joana knew she was, she knew in her heart, no matter how much her mind tried to convince her she was just hungry.

She wondered if they all died together, or at least they had someone by their side. She wondered what would come of Grams' shop. She vaguely remembered the Doctor of the older days telling her that Winnie dropped out of school to help Grams. If that was true, the shop should still be open, unless the times got to them.

She wondered if they were all buried together. Maybe they had a grave her because by now, they would assume she had died. She wondered if by the time her parents realized their baby wasn't coming home that they actually missed her and wished they hadn't sent her away. She wondered if her mother went to her empty grave with a bunch of flowers and cried. She believed her mother would be the first to die. She was a fragile woman and Joana whole heartedly believed that the loss of a child would be the death of her.

She wondered what her brother thought now. What did he do when he learned she was missing? Did he leave his job to come find her? Did he think she had run away and didn't intend on looking for her? She didn't think there was a single thing on this earth that could kill Jackson Kegley if he didn't want it to. Did he ever go to war like all the other men his age? Was that what killed him?

What happened to her father? He was strong and he was powerful. Was it disease that took him? Heartbreak over the loss of his daughter? Or maybe he died of age. Maybe not.

Grams. Grams was old when Joana left, there was no way she was still alive. But was it age that took her? The more she thought about it, the less Joana was sure.

Winnie couldn't be dead, Joana's thoughts always told her. There's no way. But then why did it feel like she was lying?

Winifred Kegley wouldn't have gone without a fight, she knew that much. So what was it in the end? Was she the last of the three generations of Kegley that Joana ever met? Did she ever get married and have kids? Were there people out there carrying on the Kegley legacy?

Joana liked to believe there was. She liked to believe that there were people out there advocating for the same rights the rest of her family fought for. There was someone out there still looking for her, someone trying to find what happened to her, even if they never knew her.

So maybe the family she knew was gone. Maybe she still had tears yet to shed for them. Maybe their faces were faces she would never see again, voices she would never hear. Maybe they died together or died apart. But her family was not gone, not erased from history. Jackson and Winnie, they would carry on the Kegely legacy. Their children when ensure their name's place in the history books.

Joana set her jaw as she lifted her head, tears still rolling down her face. Her family was strong enough to move on with their lives after her absence. They were strong and they were stubborn. They were the Kegleys, and so was she. She was strong and she was stubborn. She would not let Karpov and his regime break her. She would carry on the Kegley legacy. She would discover what happened to her family. She would expose HYDRA for what they were.

When she looked up into the large, empty room, Joana saw her Grams standing in front of her, wrinkled and old, leaning against her cane. There was a wavering smile on her face, her eyes filled with water.

"Grams?"

The elderly woman nodded. Joana let out a sob. Beside Grams, her mother appeared.

"Mommy." Jasmine Kegley gave her youngest daughter a sad smile. Her eyes apologized for all the years she was absent, for favoring her son over her.

Judas Kegley appeared beside his wife, standing tall and strong, as he always did. He wasn't smiling, but he was holding back tears. He gave her a curt nod, a nod of pride. She gave him a nod back, not breaking eye contact. He finally smiled, a small smile, but still a smile.

Then Jackson appeared with his bright smile and shimmering eyes. He didn't look sad like the three other adults did.

She heard his voice in her head, even though he didn't move his mouth.

Hey, Joey.

Joana's throat tightened. Tears rolled mercilessly down her face.

"Hey back," she said to him. He laughed silently.

She watched her family for a few brief seconds, waiting for the last of the Kegleys to appear. She was almost afraid Winnie wouldn't come, until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Winifred Kegley stood behind her, smiling with pride at her family. Joana's chin trembled, a sob building up in her throat.

"Win," she whispered, unsure of her own voice. Winnie looked down at her with her signature smile. She moved around to the front of Joana and knelt in front of her, hands over Joana's.

We're so proud of you. Winnie said, her smile not moving. All of us, even Dad.

Joana felt herself smile, the tears falling from her eyelashes.

"I'm so sorry," Joana said. Winnie shook her head, touching Joana's chin.

It wasn't your fault. Joana looked up at Winnie. We never stopped looking for you.

"I know, I know." Her voice broke and trembled as she spoke.

You're so strong, Jo. Winnie said in her head, her lips unmoving. So strong. Don't give in. Don't give up. It's almost over.

"How can you be so sure?" Joana asked. Winnie didn't respond, she just gave her reassuring smile. "I'm scared, Winnie. I want to go home."

I know you're scared, but you have to keep fighting.

"How?"

You'll figure something out.

"Please don't leave me."

Winnie said nothing again. Instead, she stood and leaned forward to kiss Joana on the forehead. Joana's eyes fluttered closed as Winnie kissed her.

When she opened them, she was met with an empty room. Grams and Jasmine and Judas and Jackson and Winnie, all gone, as if they had never been there, as if it had just been her imagination.

Joana stifled sobs unsuccessfully. She looked around the room, eyes wide, filled with tears and fear. She shook her head a little bit, trying to convince herself not to cry, but there was nothing that could stop the onslaught of tears that forced its way from her eyes. She hung her head a sobbed, wept, mourning the loss of the one thing she thought she had left.

___________

So I'm not a fan of the beginning of this chapter and idk if any of anything makes sense anymore. I wanted to get three things done in this chapter and I hope I did them well.

If it's too difficult to understand the last part, I'll just explain it. Basically, I'm taking from the theory that family knows when one of their loved ones is dead. In this case, Joana is realizing that all of her family is dead. The part where she sees her family is still part of the dream she hadn't actually woke up yet. SO yeah there's that.

I just want to say thank you so much to all those people who are commenting and telling me your opinions on the story. Each and every comment makes my day. I can't explain to you how it makes me feel (it's in the positive range of emotions). I never expected this story to get as many good reviews as it has. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Also to those people who read and vote, you're not forgotten. You guys are just as important to me. It is all of you together who keep me writing. I would have lost the momentum with this story without all of you.

It's been a long first few weeks of school, which is why updates are so few and far between, but I'm honestly doing my best. This weekend is a three day weekend so I'm hoping to get another chapter in, but I do have a lot of homework.

Anyway, I love you all and you're all special and amazing.

the greatest appreciation,
authorsbane