Joana

She didn't want to talk about her dreams. She didn't want them to affect her like Doctor Salazar said they might. She couldn't imagine what Pierce might do with her once he realized that she could hardly handle the image of him in his head. She didn't know what she would do if he was standing right next to her. She didn't know if she would tear his head off or be paralyzed with fear. She felt as if she didn't have control of her own mind anymore. 
She spent most of her time with Doctor Salazar. He helped her with all of the physical therapy involved with getting both hands and her legs back to the way they were before. He seemed to understand more than most how frustrating it was to have to sit in a chair for hours on end trying to move parts of your body that felt like they needed oiling. Whenever she wanted to give up, he would encourage her whatever way he could. He always seemed to be by her side when she needed him. 
When she wasn't with Salazar, she was down in the training room, trying to regain her previous shape. More often than not, that was where she met Bucky. They would talk like acquaintances, as if nothing had ever happened. He gave her tips, which she often found irritating because she knew what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to do it, but there was something wrong and she couldn't put her finger on it. One of these many times, Joana grew tired to fighting a punching bag when there was a perfectly good human right there in the room with her. 
"Spar with me?" She asked, taking a sip of water. Bucky, who was leaning against the door frame not-so-silently judging her technique, chuckled. 
"You can't be serious, Partner. You're still healing. I can't fight you with good conscious," he said to her. Her lips twitched upward into a half smile. She put her hands on her hips. 
"I thought you didn't have a conscious, Winter Soldier." He rolled his eyes at her. "What, are you scared that I'll beat you even after being half dead for the past few months." 
He pursed his lips at her and pushed himself off the door frame, striding towards her. 
"Was that a challenge, Kegley?" He asked, crossing his arms. She mimicked his movement.
"You bet it was, Barnes." 
They stared at each other, expressions of amusement mirrored on each other's faces. 
"Fine, but I'm going easy on you," he said to her, stepping on to the sparring mat. She cocked her head to the side. 
"Fine, but I'm not going easy on you," she retorted. She met him on the mat. They stood in front of each other, hands raised. 
"Scared, Barnes?" 
Bucky laughed. Joana's heart jumped at the sound of it. In her moment of weakness, he started his attack. She had to go on the defense for the first few attacks, which she didn't enjoy too much, but it wasn't long before she got the upper hand, or least, and equal one. If anyone watched in on them, they wouldn't have been able to describe the movements the two were making, for it went too quickly and without any sense of style. 
Joana picked up the pace when she got Bucky on one knee and clambered up his back until she was sitting on his shoulders. Growling angrily, he grabbed her legs and lifted her off of him and into the air. He dropped her to the ground and just barely managed to get to his feet before she was back on hers. She had an amused smirk on her face, her fists ready. 
"Getting tired, Old Man?" She asked him. He cocked his head. 
"Never. You?" 
In the blink of an eye, they were no longer standing on their two feet, but they were both laying on the ground. Bucky was on his back, his hands wrapped around Joana's small body, which was pressed against him. They froze, both breathing heavily, their faces just inches apart. Joana didn't know what to do. This was the first time in so long that she felt that Bucky was there with her. Not the Winter Soldier, not whoever it was that was in love with Natalia, but Bucky, her Bucky. Her heart swelled a hundred sizes and she so badly wanted to close the distance between them. She could not imagine what was going on inside his head, and she could do nothing but look him in the eye. 
"Joana-" 
She rolled off of him, breathing heavily. She stood quicker than she thought she ever had in her life, running her hand through her hair. 
"I should...erm...Doctor Salazar probably wants to see me...Natalia comes back tonight...." Joana picked up her stuff and looked back at Bucky, who was propped up on his elbows, his face contorted into an expression of confusion. "Thank you, for...um...yeah. Thanks." 
Her face burning with embarrassment, she rushed out of the room. 
She felt like an idiot. Especially when she lay in her bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, her heart still pounding in her chest. It was the first time in forever that she had him so close to her. She felt his breath on her neck, his lips so close to her own. She couldn't quite remember how they ended up in that position, but she thanked God that they had. His hands around her waist, the feeling of his metal hand against the small of her back...
Joana shut her eyes as tightly as she could, trying to shake away the images. He was in love with Natalia. He was in love with Natalia. James Barnes was in love with Natalia Romanova, not her. 
She rolled on her side, arms pressed against her chest. She didn't want to sleep, because she didn't want to dream that dream again. She didn't want to wake up terrified like she did every time she pulled herself from her sleep. She didn't want to be afraid of Pierce anymore. She didn't want the image of the man she loved watching her as she burned and screamed. She didn't want to think about what any of it meant. 
Beside herself, her eyes slowly fluttered closed, her mind's eye lingering on Bucky's beautiful face, the feeling of his arms around her. And for once, she had no nightmares that night. She slept well, even knowing that he was spending the night with Natalia across the room from her. 

***

"Hey, Partner." Bucky came trotting in to the Medical Ward, sitting beside her as she attempted to stretch her fingers. Doctor Salazar glowered at him. "Can I have a moment alone with my partner, Doctor?" 
The Doctor looked over at Joana quizzically. She gave him a small smile and nodded. He stood and left the room. Bucky turned to her. 
"You know I wouldn't ask you about this kind of thing unless absolutely necessary, but ever since Natalia came back from her first mission, she's been a little distant. Did she say anything to you?" He asked. Joana went pale. Memories of Natalia outing her love for the man just feet away from her and her threatening that very same woman passed through her mind. She swallowed, pulling herself out of the past and back into the present. 
"Um, she just...it was hard for her to kill the target. Just talk to her, maybe. She might be having nightmares. I don't know, Barnes, I'm sorry." Joana hated lying to him, but when she thought about it, that's what she had been doing for the past...however long it had been since Danika died. He sighed, looking down at the ground as if thinking. 
"Joana, about the other day, when we were sparring-"
"What about it? We were just sparring." 
"I know, but something spooked you. Did I do something wrong?" 
Joana shook her head, sucking in her lower lip. 
"No, no. I just got really tired all of the sudden. And my side hurt. And I had to see the Doctor. That's all." 
Bucky nodded, obviously not fully believing her. He stood. 
"Thank you, Partner. You know I always value your opinions," he said to her. Joana smiled. 
"Don't let Pierce hear you say that," she replied. He chuckled. 
"Have you seen him? I mean, he isn't as out there as he used to be." 
Joana felt her stomach drop. 
"He told me that he'd be going away for a bit. He's working a lot with SHIELD these days, I guess."
Bucky hummed a response. He bid his goodbyes and left to do whatever it was that he did. Joana heaved out a breath of relief, her face once again burning bright red. Her thoughts were a mess, hopping back and forth between Bucky and Pierce and Natalia. She lowered her head into her hands and sighed. 

I would like you to know, dear reader, that by the end of this chapter, you may be slightly confused, that there will be things that don't make a lot of sense. I only ask that you have patience with me and with the characters in this story, for the events to come aren't our beloved protagonists' fault entirely. The things they do, the things they did, they did to protect the people they love. I sincerely hope you understand this. 
And Joana. I pray you understand why she does the things she does in the future. I pray that you don't hate her for the decision she makes, nor the decisions she's already made. I pray you understand how her mind functions after this, and, similar to James Barnes, she has little control. I thought you should hear these words from me before I continue, for the events to come are not, in anyway, beautiful. 

Joana and Bucky were sparring in the training room. They were taking it easy, for he had just come back from a risky mission and she had managed to rebruise her ribs. Along with punches, they threw taunts at each other, coy smiles playing at their lips as they fought. Joana couldn't help but remember the older days, when they spent hours in the streets, him teaching her how to fight properly. Thoughts ran through her head, ones she didn't too much enjoy. She couldn't help but understand that, had Pierce not beat her to death, maybe Bucky wouldn't be where he was now, by her side. 
I guess there's a good side to everything, she thought to herself. 
Bucky being here made it all worth it. She owed a lot of it to Natalia, without whom, he would still be under the control of the Soldier. However, had he not stopped being the Soldier by falling in love with Natalia, she wouldn't have needed to be tortured by Pierce. Joana realized that there were many things that lead to where she was now, fighting alongside the man she loves, and she wouldn't have changed any of them for the world (except maybe the War. She would change that.).
"You're getting slow, Kegley," Bucky teased, hitting her across the face. Torn rudely from her thoughts, Joana glared playfully at Bucky. She wiped her mouth, a smear of blood appearing on her hand. 
"I was thinking," she retorted. 
"Wow. That's new," he said with a smile. She rolled her eyes.
"Shut up, Barnes." 
Her heart pounded at the sight of his smile. He swung at her and she at him until he had her in a head lock. 
"You smell," she groaned. She broke the head lock swept Bucky's feet out from under him. He landed on his knees. She wrapped her arm around his neck. 
"Insulting a man's body odor while he's on his knees? That's low, Kegley, even for you." 
"Ha." 
Before anymore childish insults could be dealt, Doctor Salazar came stumbling into the training room. 
Joana let go of Bucky in a second and walked to the Doctor's side. 
"Doc, are you alright?" She asked him. He was pale, his face plastered with sweat. 
"Joana, I need to talk to you," he said desperately, breathing heavily as if he had run all the way from the Medical Ward. She looked over at Bucky, who was standing, his face pinched with confusion. 
"Of course, Doc. But I don't understand. I have an appointment with you in less than 30 minutes. What's so important?" She asked. 
"I need to tell you something. I've held out for too long. I should have told you long ago. But I didn't know you before and now I do and-"
"It's okay, Doc. Just breathe." She glanced over at Bucky again. "Can you give us a second, Barnes?" He nodded. 
"I'll be right outside if you need me," he told her in a low voice as he walked passed her. She swallowed and nodded her head. Her eyes followed him as he left the room. Just as he said, he stopped outside the door. She could see his silhouette standing outside, his arms crossed, as if he was guarding the door. She returned her attention back to the Doctor. 
"Let's sit down and you can tell me everything," she said. He nodded and let her lead him to the benches. "What was so important that you had to run all the way from the Medical Ward? Am I sick?" 
The Doctor shook his head. He looked sick. His face was so pale, she was sure he was going to vomit his insides any second. He ran his hands up and down his pants, a nervous tick. She put her hand over his and offered him a small smile. 
"Doc, it's okay. Please, just tell me. You're making me worried." She gave him another smile, hoping it would help. He looked into her eyes and let out a groan. He dropped his head into his hands. Concern crossed Joana's face. Her heart froze. She didn't want to hear whatever it is he had to say, but she needed to. 
"I should have told you when it happened. Hell, I should have told before it happened. I had no right to keep this from you. Pierce didn't have the right. It should have been your choice, not ours," he rambled. He was talking to her, but it almost sounded as if he wasn't at the same time. 
"Doc, you're scaring me." 
He lifted his eyes to meet hers, and she was shocked to see them bloodshot and filled with tears. He swallowed. She squeezed his hand. 
"It's okay."
"Before...before Pierce killed you, you came in for a check up, like you did every month. And...and I found something. I didn't tell you because, like I said, I didn't know you. We weren't friends. But now we are and I should have told you. Instead, I told him and now...I'm so sorry, Joana." He put his face in his hands again. He was visibly shaking. Joana couldn't tell if he was crying. 
"Please," her voice was strained, filled with fear. She couldn't possibly imagine what he was going to tell her. "Just tell me." 
He looked up at her again. His mouth opened and closed multiple times before he managed to get the words out. 
"You were pregnant." 

***

I'm just going to leave that there...