Joana

She felt absolutely useless, like a cat that was hit by a car. She hobbled down the hallways. The casts on her arm and leg were like anchors, weighing her down. She avoided everyone she could. When she did cross paths with someone in the corridors, she would avert her eyes, but she could still feel their gaze on her and it added to the weight on her shoulders. She spent most of her time wandering the halls, because laying alone in the solitude and silence of her room was not something she enjoyed. There were times when she made her way to the training rooms, but she was only able to stand by the punching back and lightly tap it with her uncast hand. She felt useless.
Natalia came back a few months after she left and immediately went to find Joana. Their reunion was one of many embraces. Joana's leg and arm were no longer in a cast. The scabs on her wounds slowly turning to scars. Natalia apologized many times for not being there, but Joana simply wanted to ask her how her mission went. Once their were alone in Joana's quiet room, Joana asked what she was ordered to do. Natalia sat on Joana's bed with a sigh, hands clasped together.
"I wasn't sure he was guilty," she told Joana. "He just seemed so...kind? Compassionate, you know? He didn't deserve it."
"But you did it anyway," Joana added with a sigh, sitting beside her friend. "What did they have you do?"
Joana pursed her lips, sucking in her cheeks as if she was trying not to cry.
"You know what Black Widows do, Joana. Don't make me say it."
Joana nodded and put her arm around her friend, whose lower lip started to quiver.
"I've killed people before, Joana, why does this one hurt so much?" Natalia asked, her voice strained. It sounded as if someone had punched her in the stomach and she was still trying to regain her breath. Joana kissed the top of her head.
"Because he was innocent, Natalia," she told her in a soft, low voice. Natalia looked up from her hands to Joana's face. Her green eyes were swimming with tears and hurt, a confusion she couldn't explain. Natalia leaned her head on Joana's shoulder. Joana held out her slowly healing hand. Instead of holding it like she thought she would, Natalia ran her thumb along the slowly healing wound in the middle of her hand.
"Will it scar?" She asked. Joana nodded once, suddenly aware of the vulnerability the wound caused. If Natalia so much as put pressure on the scar, Joana would be riddled with pain. Natalia looked up from the hand and to Joana's chest and face. She brushed her fingers across the scabs on her face and neck.
"I could kill him for doing this to us, to you." There was a growl in Natalia's voice. "He still doesn't know about James?"
Joana shook her head.
"No. We've been careful since you've been away."
"Good. I do have one other question, though."
"Hmm?"
"Why did you do it?"
"Pardon?"
"Why would you allow him to beat you like that, to assault you in such a crude way, for murderers like me and James?" Natalia asked. Joana stood, rubbing her hands on her pants.
"I, uh, you two are my only friends. What else could I do? Besides, I've probably killed more people than you." Joana rubbed her hands together, pain exploding in her hand, but it helped clear her mind. Natalia stood as well, looming beside Joana.
"Joana, please, don't lie to me. Tell me, why would you risk your life for us?"
Joana looked away from Natalia, refusing to look her in the eye.
"I know you wouldn't have done it just for me. You've only known me for a few years. You and James were friends before HYDRA, yes? You told me that. You did it for him. Why?"
Joana opened her mouth as if she was going to answer, but then she turned away from her friend once again, running her hands over her face. Natalia felt her heart drop. "You're in love with him."
Joana turned her head towards Natalia and looked away once again.
"You let Pierce beat you half to death because you're in love with James. Am I right?" Joana continued to be silent. "Joana, am I right?"
Joana whirled around.
"Yes! Alright? Yes. I'm in love with him. We were together before the war. HYDRA took me so I could be their play thing, so I could break him in every way possible. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Joana asked, her words sharp and precise, hitting Natalia like blows to the stomach.
"Joana, you have to tell him." Joana scoffed and turned her back. "If you don't, I will."
Joana spun around so quickly that Natalia had no time to respond. Joana shoved the red head into a wall, her arm across her neck.
"Natalia, you will never say that, ever again," Joana growled.
"Why not?" Natalia snapped, trying to push her friend away. "Everything you've done, you've done it for him. You don't think I noticed? You don't think I know what Pierce makes you do? I know. And now I know why you do it without protest. Why not tell him?"
"First of all, if I tell Bucky that I was more than just his friend before this, Pierce will kill him and me and probably you too. Second, if Bucky starts to remember all the things that happened to us in the early years, he'll start to remember all the terrible things I've done for him. He'll remember everyone I've killed in front of him, every time I turned into some kind of monster from hell. He would never look at me the same way he looked at me before all of this. Not the way he looks at you. And there's the final reason." Joana stopped and took a breath.
"Me?"

Joana stepped away from Natalia, removing her arm from her neck. She cradled her once broken hand in her other.
"Yes, Natalia. If I tell him he used to love me, and he starts to remember, that means he's not with you anymore. I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. When his life was nothing but pain and torture and murder, you were his light. He found a way to break through the Soldier, for you. That means something, Natalia. He loves you, and I was blind not to see it before. It took me so long to realize his affection for you because I was so busy thinking about myself. But he doesn't want me, not anymore. He wants you. He's happy with you. And if there is one thing in this world that I will never, ever do, it's take away Bucky's happiness. And no, I will never stop loving him. He's the only reason I haven't given up already, but I would die before I took you away from him." When Joana had finished, she was breathless, having spoken so quickly that Natalia could almost not understand some of the things she said. Joana breathed deeply. "If you ever tell him, Natalia-"
"I understand, Joana. You and I, we want the same thing. We want the best for him. I wouldn't jeopardize that either, but you've done so much for me, I feel selfish knowing how you feel and not telling him," Natalia responded, still trying to wrap her mind around the entire ordeal. Joana took Natalia's hands in her own.
"The one thing I ask of you, after everything, the one thing, don't ever let James know. Don't let him know. Please," Joana asked. No, Joana didn't ask, she pleaded. Natalia nodded, unsure of what words to say. "Promise me. Promise me he'll never know, not from you."
"Yes, of course. Of course. I promise," Natalia said to her, ashamed of how relieved she felt. If Joana had asked, she would have told James everything, but in her heart, she was glad Joana didn't want him back, because Natalia wasn't ready to lose his love. Joana breathed a sigh of relief and wrapped her arms around Natalia's neck.
"I'm sorry I shoved you into the wall," she muttered. Natalia laughed, putting her arms gently around Joana's waist.
"I understand, Joana. All is forgiven."
Joana let go of Natalia with a gasp of pain.
"Joana?"
With a groan of pain and her hands on her sides, Joana sat on her bed.
"I'm fine. My side just hurts. I need some rest." Natalia helped pull back the blankets so she could slip under the covers easily.
"They're asking me to help train the Widows in your place today. I won't be here when you wake up," Natalia said, sitting on the edge of the bed. Joana felt her eyelids growing heavy.
"That's alright. I'm just gonna go to sleep now," she said, her words slurring together. Natalia smiled. She leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
"Sleep well, Joana," Natalia told her. Joana nodded and closed her eyes. Before Natalia had even left the room, Joana was lulled to sleep by the dull pain coursing throughout her body.

***

Her dreams haunted her. They didn't leave her when the sun shown high in the sky or when her eyes were wide open. The nightmares followed her like a lurking shadow. They lived under her eyes shaped like purple bags. They housed themselves in the pain in her hands and ribs. They showed in the way she froze every time she saw Pierce walking around the building. The monsters she carried around on her back and in her head showed in the way she flinched when someone got too close.
This night was only one of many nights where she dreamed of those terrible things.
The dream was no longer her drowning in the blood of those she killed. She no longer dreamed of a non existent wedding night. The images in her mind had changed ever since Pierce sent her to the Medical Ward.
It always started with white noise. High pitched screeching was all she could hear. She knew right away that it was a dream, just like every night, but just like every night, she couldn't wake from her slumber. Her eyelids were anchored shut. The Devil had his hold on her.
With the white noise growing louder and louder, electrifying pain coursed through her entire body. Invisible hands beat her stomach and hit her face and broke her legs. The Devil kept her mouth shut tight.
Pierce's face appeared in her mind, his eyes so blue she felt as if she were drowning in them. He wore a smile, but it wasn't the good kind of smile. It was a sadistic smile, the kind of smile a psychopath smiled just before the kill. She wanted to get away from him, far, far away, but she still couldn't move. There was no where for her to go. The Devil was in her head. 
When she awoke, she wasn't alone in her bed. Pierce was there beside her, that same smile on his face. 
"Morning sweetheart." 
She screamed, but there was something in her mouth stopping the sound from going any further. She tried to move from the bed, but there were straps all over her body, keeping her on the mattress. Pierce started laughing, a loud laugh, a terrifying laugh. The white noise started up again in her ears. She hadn't woken up. She was still asleep. The Devil was in her bed. 
Then everything turned into nothing. There was darkness and there was no sound. She felt nothing. She was suddenly aware of her own breathing. She was scared, she felt it in her chest and in her lungs. Before there was anything else, there was a smell. She couldn't place it, but it was strong and it burned in her nose. 
From the distance, she heard the strike of a match. Off in the darkness, a flame flickered, and the outline of a man.
"Who are you?" She called out, but the man said nothing. She could see the ghost of his smile. She knew that smile. She just barely had time to say his name aloud before he dropped the match on the ground and everything around her burst into flames. 
"Bucky?"

***

So this is a little shorter? I could probably add something else to it, but I kind of like the shortness of it. Per usual, I have no idea if any of this made any sense at all, seeing as I have this image in my head but don't necessarily know how well I portrayed it. If you could point anything out that could help other readers understand things better, it would be much appreciated. 
Again, I want to thank everyone for their complete and utter support for m story, it means so so much to me. Just reading your comments and knowing that you've voted makes my days so much brighter. I love all of you so very much. 
With every ounce of my love,
authorsbane