Joana

Every fiber in Joana screamed. Every cell, every nerve, every atom in her being shrieked in agony, but her mouth was shut tight.
She had awoken the next day, proud of her defiance, until she opened her eyes. At the foot of her bed, with a rope around his neck, hanging from the ceiling, was the young Wolf Spider who had unlocked the door for her and Natalia the day before. Once the initial shock settled in, Joana jumped up, running to the boy. Standing on her bed, she lifted him up the best she could.
"Natalia!" She called out with all the voice she could muster. "Natalia!"
The woman lived just across the hall from Joana, and the walls were thin, so she heard her friend yelling clear as day. When Natalia opened the door, she swore a million profanities that Joana didn't know even existed. Natalia jumped on to the bed and pulled grabbed the knife that Joana kept on her bedside table.
She cut the rope and the boy fell on top of Joana as they toppled to the floor. With blurry eyes, Joana felt for a pulse. There was nothing. Natalia was by her side on her knees in seconds.
"Anything?"
Joana didn't respond. Instead, she started pushing against the boy's chest and breathing into his mouth.
"Come on. Come on!" She pressed harder and harder, tears keeping her visions blurry. "Breathe!"
Natalia looked from the boy's face up to Joana's and back. Joana stopped pressing on the boy's chest and started pounding him with her fists. 
"Come. On. Come. On. Breathe!" 
Natalia had tears in her eyes. She didn't know the boy, so his death was no consequence to her, but she saw such pain in Joana's eyes and it hurt her in a way she had never felt before. The boy was dead.
"Joana, stop," Natalia pleaded. "Joana, please."
"Breathe!" 
"Joana! Joana!" Natalia grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away from the boy. "Stop! Just stop. He's dead."
Joana pulled against Natalia's grip, but she wasn't trying hard enough to free herself. 
"I killed him," she breathed, holding Natalia's hands against her shoulders. Her face paled and her hands started to sweat. "It's my fault. I killed him." 
She hung her head, her eyes suddenly dry. She didn't feel like she could cry. The only thing she wanted to do was vomit. She pushed Natalia away from her and crawled over to her personal bathroom. Natalia sat on the floor next to the boy and listened to her friend throw up her insides. She breathed deeply and leaned forward, closing the emerald green eyes of the dead boy. She pet his hair, a single tear in her eyes. 
Remembering a song her mother taught her when she was young, Natalia began to sing. 
U lukomoriya dub zelenyi
Zlataya tsep' na dube tom
I dniem i nochyu kot uchyonyi
Vsyo khodit po tsepi krugom
Idet napravo - pesn' zavodit,
Nalevo - skazku govorit.

Natalia and Joana sat alone at lunch. Joana's face was still pale. She pushed her food around with her fork. Natalia set her fork down on her plate, chewing slowly. 
"What did you mean when you said you killed that boy? You said it was your fault. How could have it been your fault?" Natalia asked. Joana looked her, her eyes bloodshot. 
"His name was Anatoly. He was one of my favorites. He wasn't strong or big like the other recruits. He was smart and he was small. He knew how to use his strengths and how to exploit his enemies' weakness. He wouldn't have given up without a fight," Joana said, a small smile on her face as she pushed her eggs around some more.
"Why did he die?" Natalia asked again, but by the look on her face and the feeling in her heart, she already knew the answer. Joana sighed, not looking up. Out of no where, Joana slammed her fork on the table, startling Natalia and causing the entire dining hall to go silent for a brief second.
"Pierce told me that if I didn't follow his rules, he would start killing the kids I cared about," Joana whispered, her voice harsh and cold and broken. Natalia scowled, about to ask a question, but Joana continued. "I told you something I was forbidden from ever saying ever again so I was supposed to kill you, that was my punishment. But I didn't do that. I disobeyed him, again. Anatoly paid for that. That's two times I disobeyed and one kid that I was supposed to protect is already dead. Who else will pay for my mistakes?" 
Natalia was taken aback for a few moments. Her heart squeezed in her chest and fear gripped her. She was angry with herself because she knew it was her fault, but she expelled her anger on Joana because she wasn't trained to deal with emotions like this. 
"So it was a mistake that you didn't shoot me?" She snapped. Joana sighed irritably, grabbing hold of her fork so tightly that her knuckles turned white. 
"No! Of course not! It was a mistake getting attached to you and to Anatoly. It was a mistake that I let Pierce get under my skin. It was a mistake telling you those things because I not only put my life and Buck- Barnes' life at risk, I put the lives of every child in this building that I have ever come in contact with in danger. Including you. Including Anatoly." Joana's demeanor changed in that moment. The anger and frustration faded from her face. She released the fork and set it down lightly. "And for that, I am truly sorry."
Natalia shook her head, stood, and walked away from her. Joana pushed her plate away and lay her head in her arms, groaning to herself. 

Natalia wouldn't talk to her after that. Joana would teach her during lessons, Natalia wouldn't stick around afterwards, and she refused to do the ballet lessons anymore. When they sparred, Natalia would try so very hard to hurt Joana, but Joana had been fighting longer than Natalia. 
"You're not thinking with your head, Natalia," Joana said, her legs wrapped around Natalia's neck, pinning her to the floor. "You're thinking with your emotions. Your anger is radiating off of you." 
Natalia growled and tried to hit Joana again, but there was nothing she could do. Joana had her almost completely immobile. 
"Think with your head, Natalia! You can get out of this." Joana meant for this to be encouraging, but it just made Natalia more angry. She pulled on Joana's legs, she kicked her own feet, she struggled and she pulled and she tried to bite her, but nothing she did worked. 
"Partner," Bucky stepped forward. Joana and Natalia looked up at Bucky with a glare. "I believe you should let her go." 
"I do not need your help," Natalia seethed. Joana, however, was no longer paying attention to Natalia, instead, she put her focus on Bucky. She let go of Natalia and stood, walking towards Bucky. Natalia sat on the crowd, coughing. 
"Coward," she heaved. 
"Barnes, can I speak with you outside?" Joana asked, trying to keep her tone professional. He nodded once, looking only at Natalia, who was still coughing on the ground. 
The two went outside. Joana crossed her arms, shutting the door. 
"You talked," she whispered. Bucky scowled.
"Well, no-"
"Barnes, you don't talk unless spoken to."
"Right, Ma'am-"
"No, I'm not telling you that you have to do that now. I'm telling you that that's what the Soldier does. You're not the Soldier." Joana spoke through her teeth without moving her mouth. "Don't react out loud, okay? I have to look like I'm angry with you. I know you're not the Soldier anymore and I don't particularly care why. Just answer this question with the nod or shake of your head. Do you remember me?" 
Bucky tilted his head back and forth. 
"You remember what Natalia told you about me."
He nodded. She lowered her head. 
"I won't tell anyone, I promise." 

Joana and Natalia's relationship never fully mended. Natalia distanced herself from Joana completely, taking to leaving the room every time Joana entered. Joana's heart shattered at the thought of losing another friend, but this time, it wasn't to Death, it was because of herself.
It's for the better, she tried to convince herself. This way, I can't hurt her. 
There were, however, as the three comrades would soon find out, many ways they could harm each other. Joana wasn't surprised when Pierce called her into his office a few hours after her conversation with Bucky. 
"I know you want to ask me why I was talking to Barnes," Joana told him, shutting the door behind her. 
"Yes, I do." 
"He spoke out of turn during my class. I put him back in his place, like I'm supposed to." Joana crossed her arms and leaned against the door. "Look, I learned my lesson, alright? You sent your message with Anatoly. Natalia and I do not speak anymore. Barnes is no longer Bucky. He's not my lover, he's a weapon, he's my partner in crime. We kill people together. I get it, Pierce. No one else has to die. I'm not about to make that mistake again."
Pierce smiled, rolling an empty glass in his hands. For as much as the young man drank, it was strange that he always seemed so sober. He chuckled, looking up at Joana with those blue eyes of his that always amazed her. He was so evil, yet his eyes were so beautiful, Joana did not understand it. 
"You've changed so much, dear Joana. When I first met you, you were compliant, willing even. Then you tried to escape and well, murdered someone, and you became like a wild animal. Now, here you are. You cleaned up your act and you're finally acting like the agent we need you to be." There was pride in Pierce's voice that Joana really didn't like hearing. 
"The only way I can keep the people I care about safe, is to do what you want me to. Whatever that is, I'm willing to do it," Joana said. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it."
Pierce smiled again and looked at his glass. 
"No, I guess not. So, if I told you to kill someone in front of Barnes, you would do it?" He asked. Joana almost smiled, knowing that Pierce thought Barnes was still under his control. 
"I would have to, if it meant you wouldn't kill anymore of my recruits," she said, pushing herself off the wall. 
"Your recruits?" Pierce was smirking as Joana poured herself a glass of whatever was in the glass bottle. 
"Well, my students. Your recruits. I just take care of them." 
Pierce scoffed and stood by her side, pouring his own glass. 
"You like it here?"
Joana stopped moving. Her eyebrows knit together and she set her glass down. 
Did she like it here? It was a right side better than the base she was living at before. She didn't have to be around the soldiers as much as she did before. She did get better meals and a better bed. And she was trying to teach the Wolf Spiders and Black Widows that killing wasn't something they had to do, without making herself look guilty. Her being here was better for everyone. Bucky had broken the Soldier barely over a year, which was impressive in her eyes. Only one person had died so far, which was a lot few than the amount the died in the base. 
"No, I don't like it here," she said after a while. "But it's better than the other base." 
"I see." 
"Is there anything else you'd like to ask me?" 
Pierce smiled.

Joana tossed a bag over her shoulder, a long sigh coming from her mouth. Sleep was not going to her tonight, that much she knew before she even stepped foot into her room. She just wanted to spend the rest of this night punching something. 
She stepped into the training room, looking down at her feet. She was exhausted, but she could only imagine what nightmares her brain would give her tonight. 
She shouldn't have looked up. She should have kept her head down. She should have gone to bed. She shouldn't have been there that night. Maybe then she might have spared herself the pain, or the many, many sleepless nights to come. Maybe she could have walked away and never seen what she saw. 
But she did. 
And what she saw, sent a bullet through her heart. 

***

Translation for the Russian Lullaby:

There's a green oak-tree by the shoresOf the blue bay; on a gold chain,The cat, learned in the fable stories,Walks round the tree in ceaseless strainMoves to the right – a song it groans,Moves to the left – it tells a tale.  

***

Hello again, my friends. So this one is a bit shorter than the previous ones, but I think it's a good place to stop for a bit. They next chapter will have a lot more Comrades in Love stuff and also some missions with Bucky and Joana maybe?? I haven't really decided yet. Anywho, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, even thought it was kind of all over the place.
Any help with editing is greatly appreciated, as is constructive criticism. 
Thank you all for your time, for reading these really dumb Author's Notes and for enjoying my story (which I hope you are enjoying it if you've read this far). I love every last one of you so very much, you don't even know. 
With a swelling heart,
authorsbane