"... What do I do when the darkness looms over me? Do I scream out and hear the echo of my voice then listen to the darkness's mirthless laughter at my loneliness?..."

•••• •••• •••• ••••
Amirah caught herself biting her nails -a habit she despised- she quickly stopped, few minutes later her foot was making a tap-tap sound on the tiled floor and the secretary gave her an annoyed look so she stopped that too but she couldn't stop the racing in her heart.

She had arrived a little bit early for her session with Tara and she had to wait for her, she was in with another patient. The waiting room suddenly became hot and Amirah wished she could take off her ankle length hijab, she'd worn it because she didn't have the energy to dress up.

Her foot resumed their tapping and just as the secretary opened her mouth to say something, the door to Tara's office opened and a middle-aged man came out. Amirah shot up startlingly even herself, she briskly made her way into Tara's office much to the displeasure of the secretary who took pleasure in being the one to invite the patients in.

"Amirah," Tara said in a pleasant tone. "You look... Different."

Amirah straightened the creases on her hijab. "Yeah." She said lamely.

"Please sit." Tara gestured to the seat and Amirah sat down.

"How're you feeling? I was a little worried when you missed your last sess..."

"I have a child!" Amirah blurted, Tara's face expressed surprise.

"Oh you do? That's nice, how old is your child?"

"She's four."

"Oh and this child, is she for your..."

Amirah shook her head fervently, Anisa wasn't Muhammad's daughter.

"I see. Tell me more about her? What's her name?"

"Anisa, she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen." Amirah began with a smile on her lips, "she hates dolls, dresses and yoghurts. She likes to think she's grown up and when we talk, she asks 'Umma how are you?' so that I won't ask first.

Her caretaker is her favorite person in the world, I come second. She's a little tomboyish and very... God! She's perfect." Amirah said her voice choked with emotions.

Tara smiled knowingly. "I'm going to assume Muhammad does not know about her."

"No!" Amirah snapped, then lowered her voice, "you won't tell him right?"

"Of course I won't Amirah, whatever you say here is between the both of us and no one will ever know, not unless you tell them because if I do, I'll be losing my license." She said the last part in a playful tone and Amirah smiled and relaxed her tensed expression.

"So tell me, how've you been feeling as of recent?"

Amirah shrugged. "Fine I guess, definitely better."

Tara smiled. "I'm glad. I'm going to ask you some routine questions to conclude on your diagnosis, is that fine with you?"

Amirah nodded.

Tara walked up to her desk and rifled through before coming back with a small notebook in her hand, she opened it.

"Do you usually have troubles sleeping or frequent nightmares?"

Amirah nodded, "yeah I do."

"And in relating with your mother and brother I assume?"

"Yes."

"These dreams, for how long have you been having them?"

Amirah shrugged. "Long enough, I take sleeping pills."

"How social are you? Do you have a lot of friends?"

"No, making and keeping friends is really stressful. I only have Khadijah."

"Do you find yourself easily irritated by people or things and sometimes for no reason?"

Amirah nodded fervently, "it's something I find myself unconsciously feeling and I can't help how I feel, I just get tired of people you know? It's as if they're disturbing me and I just don't understand."

"It's okay." Tara smiled, "and do you feel sometimes detached from yourself and numb of emotions?"

"Not really, just very few times."

"Would you describe yourself as impulsive?"

"Sometimes I just let my emotions make the decisions and I do things before thinking, other times I'm a deep thinker."

"Do you have flashbacks about the incidents and if yes, what part exactly?"

Amirah crossed her legs. "Uhmm, the first time Adnan had... You know." Tara nodded understandingly, "yeah and that other time my mother had beaten me, I mean it's hard not to remember it when I have the scars lining my back." Amirah said with a small smile.

Tara gave her a sympathetic look before continuing, "who'd you say hurt you most between your mother and brother?"

There was a pause as Amirah thought for a while. "Definitely my mother, Adnan hurt me a lot but he didn't give birth to me you see but Hajiya? She's my mother, she was supposed to protect me from harm, she was supposed to keep me safe but instead she flogged me and made me believe she was doing everything for my sake.

I believed her, I felt she was trying to save me from the stigmatization that rape victims receives in our society but she was just being selfish. I hate her so much." Amirah said leaning on the chair in defeat.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Tara said tears filling up in her eyes.

"It's okay, continue." Amirah simply said.

"Do you have thoughts of suicide? Of just ending it all?"

"No."

"Aside from your mother, did you ever tell anyone what had happened? Let's say, Khadijah?"

"No, I couldn't."

"Why's that?"

"Because I have scars on my back that was inflicted on me to serve as a warning of what'd happen if I dared to tell anyone, that's why."

"When was the first time you experienced a panic attack? Can you remember what triggered it?"

"Few weeks ago, I was talking to Muhammad, I was trying to explain myself to him and then suddenly, I couldn't and I began to feel." She shrugged, "I don't know, I began to feel the way people feel when they're having a panic attack."

"How is your relationship with your husband? Would you say it has improved?"

Amirah smiled. "Yes it has, it definitely has."

Tara smiled back, "that's pleasing to hear. Who'd you say made the move to improve the relationship?"

"All him, all I did was be bitchy, impatient and unbearing but him, he is loving and understanding."

"Do you plan on telling him about your past?" Tara asked in a cautious tone.

"I want to but I just can't, I'm scared I'll ruin the only good thing I have going. I don't want to lose Muhammad, I can't bear the thought." Amirah said slowly, she had a far away look on her face. A life without Muhammad? The thought of it made her chest tighten.

"Do you think he'll leave you because of the rape? Your husband sounds like a good man Amirah..."

"No! That's not it." She interrupted, "you see I cheated on Muhammad."

Amirah looked at Tara, "I'm sure you might be judging me. I am not proud of it either but I was just... There's no excuse." She finished off leaning back heavily on the chair as tears ran down her cheeks, she raised her arms and leaned them on her head.

"I am so stupid Tara, so so stupid and I did something very bad, nothing can change that."

"Mistakes are made Amirah, that's inevitable, it's what makes us human. You can't dwell on your mistake or else you won't move forward, yes you did something bad but you have to forgive yourself for it before you can talk to Muhammad..."

"I think I'm pregnant Tara and like the whore my mother said I am, I don't know if it's for Muhammad or that bastard AbdulRahman."

She fell to the floor. "oh Allah just take my life now. I'm doomed." Amirah cried.

"Hey, don't say that." Tara said helping her sit up on the chair.

"I'm sorry, I'm being overly dramatic aren't I?" Amirah said blowing her nose into the tissue Tara handed her.

"Of course not, this is why you're here, to talk about your feelings and emotions and I'm here to help you deal with them."

Amirah nodded. "so what's my diagnosis? Severe case of crazy?"

Tara gave her a warning look and she gave a small laugh. "I'm sorry."

"You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD."

Amirah's mouth formed an 'o' and before she could speak, a small knock was heard on the door, that was the secretary announcing that her session was over.

"Don't worry Amirah, PTSD is curable and you'll be fine. We'll discuss on it extensively on your next session, meanwhile did you get the antidepressant I prescribed?"

"I did, thank you." Amirah stood up and bade Tara goodbye before letting herself out of the office.

A/N:

Hello, how's everyone doing? I have chapters ready, I'm thinking if I should do a double update.

Anyways I'm over my reader's block and now I feel like reading every Wattpad books.

Please suggest nice Nigerian books for me.

I'm suggesting Harunafaree A PECULIAR LOVE STORY and TheOmoope MISFORTUNATE. Believe me these books are amazing, I just finished reading them and I'm in my feelings.

Don't forget to vote and comment guys (I promise to reply them).