"... When your tears roll down your pillow like a river, I'll be there for you but you got to be there for me too..."

Martin Garrix, Troye Sivan---- There for you

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Twelve years ago when Adnan was a student at the Sokoto state University, he was arrested for raping a girl, his parents had paid heavily to not let the news go public and they'd also paid to have him released but his expulsion was inevitable.

When he'd come back home, his mother treated him like an egg and even though Adnan had confessed to raping the girl, Hajiya insisted it was a conspiracy, that was how much she supported him in everything, she refused to believe he'd ever do anything bad without provocation.

"My Adnan would never do that on his own." She'd say, "something must have happened."

And even when he'd started touching seven years old Amirah inappropriately, her mother had spanked her butt and told her to stop walking around with singlet and warned her to also never say a word about it to anyone else.

Hajiya was manipulative, she could be the best mother ever when she needed something from any of her children. In her twisted way of thinking, she loved all her children and she did things to protect them, Amirah used to believe after Adnan she was her mother's favorite but what she didn't realize that after Adnan was Adnan and him again... It was almost like he was her only child.

All these thoughts had been triggered by a single phone call from Khadijah saying,

"Ya Adnan is back, he said he's divorcing aunty Samha and that Abdul isn't his son, Hajiya is backing him up."

Amirah sighed, she was going to be a Hamidah now.

"That's their problem, how're you doing?"

She heard the expected silence from Khadijah's end.

"Amirah, are you alright?"

"I'm trying to be and that'll be possible as long as I don't hear from or about my mother." She stated as she poured milk into her cereal.
She was getting ready for work, last night Muhammad had shown up home late and walked past her straight into his bedroom, she'd stood knocking at his bedroom door knocking for minutes before deciding to let him be.

"Whatever she's done Amirah, she's still your mother." Khadijah said softly.

"Is she Dee? Is she?" Tears were beginning to form in her eyes and she hated it.
If there was anything Hajiya had been right about, it was tears, they were for the weak and she Amirah Aliyu wasn't weak, not anymore that is. She made a mental note to get a refill for her sleeping pills.

"Yes Amirah, whatever fight you both had should be settled instead."

Amirah laughed bitterly. "You don't know anything Dee, I'm getting ready for work, I'll call you later."

"Okay bye and please be careful."

"I'll be grandma." She laughed as she ended the call, just as she was adding water to her cereal, Muhammad walked into the kitchen and her breath hitched in her throat when she saw the bandage on his nose, she'd barely seen how he looked like last night.

"Good morning." She greeted.

"Mmhmmm." He murmured busying himself with searching for something in the cupboard.

"Uhmm, hope you slept well?" Amirah asked.

"Yes." He brought out the oil bottle before picking up a plate.

"When can we talk?" She asked looking at his back that was turned towards her, he didn't reply.

"Muhammad?" She called.

"Mmmhm?"

"Can you stop acting like this? We're grown enough to sort out differences when we have one right?" Her tone was that of irritation.

"I don't want to talk Amirah."

"What do you want to do? Sulk?" She asked saucily.

"It'll do you good to mind what you say." He said stilling his hands from beating the egg on the plate.

"I'm sorry."

"For what exactly? What?" He asked turning to face her.

"I don't know, everything." She said unsure.

"I'm human Amirah and I'm tired." He said quietly.

"I understand it's just that there's a lot going on with me that I don't know, I don't understand myself sometimes like when I push you away but deep down I'm just glad you're here."

He stood quiet letting her talk.

"And I wish I could control my emotions but they're just too much for me to handle and I'm tired too, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of feeling this way,I'm tired of everything and I just wish someone would understand but that's impossible because even I don't understand myself.

I cry unnecessarily, I push you away and I become jealous and overprotective when I see you with Ummul Khair and I feel like I'm a bad person and I wish this throbbing in my chest would stop and these stupid tears would stop pouring."

She cleaned her eyes furiously as tears ran down. "I'm tired Muhammad, I'm tired. I just want to be another me, I want to be a better person, I want more than anything else in this world to be a normal girl who's happy with her husband and don't have trust issues or anger issues, who might or might not be crazy. Is that too hard?

I just want to be like everyone else, I'm tired, I want to rest, I just want to rest and get away from my own mind. I am going crazy with worrying about nothing, I'm scared of losing myself, I'm scared I've lost myself. I don't know what to do, I'm lost and confused and I hate feeling this way. I'm scared I'm psychologically fucked and everything hurts but all I want to do is..."

The rest of her words died on her lips when she began sweating profusely and shaking immensely. She clutched her chest as breathing became hard for her, she began gasping.

Muhammad quickly rushes to her side and held her just as she slumped on his arm, her gasps now loud as she held her chest tightly in obvious pain. He helped her sit on the kitchen stool.

"Hey Habibty, Amirah, calm down babe, take in a deep breath." He had his hand on her shoulder massaging them slowly.

"Can't... Can't breathe." She said tears running down her cheeks.

"It's okay, you'll be okay just breathe with me okay? Slooowly." He said guarding her.

"Breathe in." He said still massaging her shoulders, she compiled.

"Out." He said exhaling, she did the same looking up at him with huge, scared eyes.

"That's good, very good... Let's do that again, breathe in." He helped her with her breathing until she calmed down enough to breath well.

"What do you need? Water?" He asked and she nodded. He quickly filled up a glass and let her drink from it.

"It's okay, it's okay." He said before collecting the glass from her, after few minutes of silence so she could steady her breathing Amirah asked,

"What was that? What happened to me Muhammad?"

"You just had a panic attack."

Her eyes widened, "panic attack?"

"It's perfectly normal babe, a lot of people get it, you'll be fine?"

"Are you sure?" She asked her voice scared.

He nodded. "Yes, you just need to see a therapist to help you so it doesn't become recurring."

"This is what I was saying, I'm sick of this." She cried. "I don't want to see anyone, why do I have to see anyone? Why can't I be like every other person out there?"

"Hey, hey, calm down. It's okay." He hugged her and let her cried into his arms, for the first time Muhammad felt like he was beginning to understand Amirah and he felt his heart constrict in pain at an idea of what she was going through.

"You know what? A friend once told me that we're all abnormal, so wear your own abnormality like it's normal because no two people are ever the same Habibty."

A/N:

Song of the chapter at the top.

Hello, this chapter was hellish for me because I related with Amirah so much... I'm someone who cries a lot at unnecessary stuff sometimes and I let things get to me (Yas I cried while writing this chapter, don't judge, it's not my fault)

A lot of people are battling with this feelings, feeling of being alone,of everything not going right in their life, feeling of been trapped in their own mind, the fear of them going crazy... A friend of yours might be feeling that way so please try to call your friends, reach out to them just so they'll know that you're there for them. Depression is real guys.

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