IMPORTANT: This chapter deals with some darker themes such as suicide, and mentions of past self harm. Other than the first paragraph or two, nothing is described in great detail, but if any of you are uncomfortable with this, please skip it.

TWENTY

Nico opened the door and saw his sister. Bianca was standing in the center of the room with a pistol to her skull. She saw him and gave a cold smile, pulling the trigger. Her body didn't fall, but blood splattered the floor, the walls, him. Her eyes rolled back into her head for a moment, before rolling back, darker than usual. She was humming an Italian lullaby quietly, walking closer towards Nico. "This is all your fault." Rang through his ears, on a constant loop. "This is all your fault. This is all your fault." Nico tried to leave, but the door was locked behind him. He banged on the door, desperate to escape.

He could feel Bianca's breath as she whispered, "This is all your fault." In his ears, and he slid to the floor, trying to cover his ears, shutting his eyes tight so he no longer had to look at his sister's distorted face, telling him the words he knew were true. "This is all your fault. This is all your fault."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was screaming at her to stop, screaming that he was sorry. He tried to move to the other side of the room, but she held the gun to his skull instead. "This is all your fault. It should have been you. This is all your fault."

Nico woke up, tears streaming down his face, heart racing. The clock beside him indicated that it hadn't even been an hour since he went to bed. He shot out of bed and grabbed his towel. He could still feel the blood covering him, it had all felt so real. He scrubbed the feeling off under the stream of water, letting the hot water burn his skin so he could feel something.

It was always the same nightmare, and Nico was sick of it. Sick of the way it made him feel. But no matter how many times he reassured himself that it wasn't real, that it wasn't his fault, whenever he was in the dream, those thoughts were nowhere in his brain.

He went back to his room and turned on the light, grabbing his sketchbook, drawing his feelings out until the sun was rising, his hand ached, and he felt like he was empty. He grabbed the closest hoodie he could find and headed into the kitchen, feeling like he had weights tied to his feet.

Will had poured himself a bowl of cereal, and there was a mug of coffee already waiting for Nico. Will looked up when he heard Nico, and something flashed in his eyes, but Nico was too tired to tell what. "I'm going to need my hoodie back soon." Was all Will said before getting up to fill the cat food bowl. Nico nodded and went and poured his own bowl of cereal.

Right before Will left for class, he turned and paused in front of Nico. "Go back to bed. You need to take care of yourself."

Nico wanted to take his advice. He didn't like feeling like a zombie all the time, but the nightmares had been getting more and more intense, and no matter how tired he was, all he saw when he closed his eyes was the bullet going through her head.

Didn't help that his birthday was that week. Everything was always worse around it, around the death anniversary. Hazel had been asking him what he wanted for his birthday, and he was getting sick and tired of her not taking 'nothing' as an answer. As much as she tried, she just didn't understand. All he wanted for his birthday was to get his sister back, but that was never happening.

He didn't go to classes at all that week. Called in sick to work. He spent the mornings in the living room with his paints, and retreated back into his bedroom before Will got back and used his sketchbook. He knew he would pay for it, especially this close to exams. He wasn't even sure if he could cover his half of the rent with the time he took off work.

Every time he stood up, his vision blurred and he felt like throwing up, but he didn't care. He would make dinner and leave it out for Will before retreating to his room once more. Time blended together until he wasn't sure what day it was. He was glad for that. He didn't want to know.

"Nico?" Will called, knocking on the door. It wasn't latched, so the pressure pushed it open. "I went ahead and ordered pizza, come eat." Will watched Nico roll over on his bed, wide awake.

"I'm not hungry, you go ahead."

"That's bull. Get your ass in the kitchen. Now." Will wasn't joking around. While he hadn't been home much, he knew Nico was spiraling. His frame was tinier than usual, and his entire being looked like simply breathing took effort.

Nico went to stand up, but everything went dark. There was a buzzing in his ears, and everything got really loud. The room felt incredibly hot, and he tried to remain upright, but he felt himself swaying.

Nico's eyes fluttered open to see Will's face close to his own, patting a damp cloth on his forehead and hand on his wrist, checking his heartbeat. "Oh thank goodness." Will sighed in relief when he saw Nico wake up. He handed Nico a cold glass of water, which he shakily brought up to his mouth to sip from. "What on earth happened, Nico?" Will asked quietly, shaking his head. "You were doing so well."

Nico didn't say anything; just sat up the best he could and sipped his water. Will went and got him some food, but Nico shook his head. "Doctor's orders." Will insisted, and Nico sighed. He didn't have the energy to argue, and nibbled on the piece of cheese he picked out of the sandwich. "I'm going to call Hazel." Will said, standing up from his spot on the floor in front of the couch Nico was sat on. Nico shot out his hand and grabbed Will's arm, shaking his head.

"Don't call her, I'm fine."

"If you finish that sandwich, I won't phone her." Will bargained. He knew it was a cheap move, but he could think of no other way to get Nico to eat.

"Fine." Nico grumbled. It took him an hour to finish the sandwich, but he did. Will had turned on the TV and Nico tried to focus on it, but his brain wasn't cooperating at the moment. His entire body was filled with guilt, and he knew he had messed up again.

He couldn't stand the silence anymore. "I'm sorry, okay?" Nico finally blurted out. "Is that what you want to hear?" He turned his head sharply to Will staring him straight in the eyes, looking confused. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to put up with me, I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you, I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up!" Tears blurred Nico's vision and he knew he was yelling, but he couldn't stop. Will tried to pull him closer to calm him down, but Nico yanked his arm free, standing up. "I told you. I told you that I was a mess. I'm sorry, okay?" His voice cracked and his cheeks were tear stained.

Nico slammed the apartment door behind him and ran down the stairs as fast as he could. He ran to the back of the building and collapsed on the floor, back leaning against the wall. His eyes fixated on the broken bottle lying in front of his feet, but he shut his eyes, looking up at the sky. 'I'm not that person anymore. I'm not that person anymore.' He repeated over and over in his head.

His hands were shaking, itching to reach out towards the sharp object, but he clamped his fists tight, opting to slam them against the cement instead. 'I'm not that person anymore. I'm not that person anymore.' His knuckles were bleeding, but he paid no attention to the stinging. 'I'm not that person anymore.'

Time blurred together as Nico sat on the ground. He couldn't feel his fingers, the stinging from the scrapes numbing them altogether. He heard his phone ring several times, but he ignored it. He wasn't sure how much time had passed until he heard Will cry out in relief.

"Nico!" Will jogged towards him, and kneeled down beside him. Nico didn't look up, but mumbled into his hoodie. "What?" Will asked quietly, not hearing him.

"I said," Nico enunciated "go away please." Nico reached up and wiped a tear away with his hand, the salt water leaving a burning sensation on his gash.

"I'm not leaving you like this, Nico. I care about you." Will whispered, voice cracking slightly in the middle.

"You shouldn't." Nico's voice was lifeless, drained of all emotion.

"Hey," Will's voice was soft "look at me." His hand came up to Nico's head and tilted his face gently towards him. "I know you don't think highly of yourself," Will started and Nico scoffed. "No. You don't get to self deprecate like that. You don't see what I see when I look at you."

One of Will's hands was gently rubbing up and down Nico's arm, and his other had found the older boy's hair, tangling in his hair, pulling his head into his chest. Nico focused on his heartbeat like he had told Will to do once. That night felt so long ago to him. The steady rhythm calmed him down some, and he listened to Will, albeit hesitantly.

"When I look at you, all I see is kindness. You put up so many defenses, and you scare people away to prevent hurt, but that isn't you. You go out of your way to help everyone, even when it's at your own expense. Even after my stepdad had been absolutely horrible to you, you supported me. I had asked you to stay, and you did, even though Victor could have-" Will's fingers were wound tightly around Nico's arm, and he had to take a few deep breaths.

"You did research when you found out about my anxiety so you could help me. You still cook on days you feel like absolute crap even though I'm perfectly capable of just making a sandwich. You put aside your own life to help me when school makes things tense. You didn't make me return Nyx when any sane person would have, because you saw how much she meant to me. You're the type of person who sees someone getting abused and puts a stop to it, even if that means pouring hot coffee all over him or her. Kindness radiates off you and when you laugh, it's completely infectious."

"That's a complete exaggeration." Nico argued.

"It's the absolute truth. I'm not saying you're perfect, no one is. Yes, you have problems, who doesn't? But you're working on them, and I'd much rather be friends with you, as is, than some ideal version you think you need to be. Even if you don't think so, you deserve people in your life who care about you. You have Hazel, Alice, Winona, and Reyna. You have me. We all care about you."

Nico felt completely overwhelmed. He barely registered Will wiping away his tears, or the fact that it was now almost completely dark out. He just ran Will's words through his mind. People cared about him. It was new concept to him. He was used to being on his own. He loved Hazel and even though she was starting a new chapter in life, it didn't mean that she would stop caring about him.

"I still feel horrible that I can't be what you want." Nico admitted. He cared about Will more than anything, and didn't want to let him down.

"I want nothing more than to be friends with you. You're mental health is what's important here. Are you ready to go back inside now?" Will asked him.

"Sure." Nico agreed softly. Will stood up and held out his hands to help Nico up. Nico reached up, and Will latched onto his wrists, for which he was thankful, so as to not irritate the injuries on his hands further.

They walked quietly, climbing the stairs without even a word. Will opened the door, having not locked it in his rush to go after Nico. "Let's get you cleaned up." Will led Nico into the bathroom and gently rinsed his hands under warm water, clearing away the dirt and rocks and grabbing the first aid kit. "We really need to stop making this a regular occurrence." Will joked, and Nico gave a small, sad smile.

Will got Nico wrapped up quickly, and then pulled him into a warm hug. "Please tell me if you're starting to spiral again. I'm here for you, no matter what." Will felt Nico nod, then released him. "Now, let's go eat cold pizza." Will encouraged, and Nico led the way to the kitchen. "Do you want some water?"

"I wouldn't say no to a cup of coffee." Nico suggested, sitting at the island.

"I really think you should cut back on the caffeine, at least a few hours before bed. Maybe it'll help you sleep better." Will advised. Nico looked skeptical, but nodded and poured himself a glass of water from the jug on the table instead. Nico only managed to eat one small slice of pizza, but it was the most he had managed at once all week.

After the show they decided to put on ended, Will went to go to his room, but Nico clasped onto his wrist gently. "Please don't leave alone." He requested quietly, embarrassed that he sounded so needy.

"Of course, but you do need sleep. Your room or mine?" Will asked, pushing all his feelings aside to be there for his friend.

"Doesn't matter." Nico said, taking a deep breath. Will led them to his room, and opened his door.

"I'm going to get ready for bed, go do what you need to do and come join me when you're ready." Nico nodded in response and headed to his room, putting on sweats and grabbing a tee. It wasn't long until he knocked on Will's door and heard a 'yup'.

Will was already laying in bed, his lamp was on and he had a book that he had to read for school in his hands. He moved the covers beside him over so that Nico could crawl in, and he did. "Is it all right with you if I have my lamp on for a bit? I need to do some reading."

"Yeah, that's fine." Nico turned and put his back to Will, head on the pillow. He felt exhausted, but he was scared of closing his eyes, not wanting Will to see him in the middle of a nightmare. He knew it wasn't pretty. Resistance was futile, though, and soon he was back in the room with his sister.

Will heard Nico cry out in his sleep and put the book down, trying to shake him awake. "Nico, shh, it's just a dream. It's just a dream." Nico was shaking and tears were streaming down his face. Will grabbed Nico's hand, and Nico held on tightly, quieting down. "It's just a dream, it's just a dream."

Will held tightly onto Nico's hand and his other was playing with Nico's hair, because that seemed to help with the shaking. It was a long time before Nico was sleeping peacefully, but as tired as Will felt, he stayed up and held his hand until Nico's grip loosened, and he had finally fallen into a deep sleep.

Will waited a few more minutes, to make sure he was really out and then leaned over, quietly pulling his hand away and turning off the lamp beside him. Nico moved in his sleep so that one arm was around Will and their legs were tangled together. 'Pull it together. You can handle this. It's just one night.' Will told himself. But the more he tried to push aside his feelings for Nico, the stronger they were.

- - - - -

Nico woke up first, and froze when he saw how close he was to Will. He removed his arm as gently as he could and peeled himself off Will's back, slipping quietly out of the room. Looking at the clock, he had gotten four hours of sleep, and he was really proud of himself. He showered and got dressed. He heard Will leave for his run, and while he was out Nico started to make breakfast.

It was a simple meal, but Nico managed to eat a decent amount, and he went to get his stuff for work. He had missed so much this week, having called in sick that he needed to get his act together and face the day. He couldn't keep letting Winona down. He left for work before Will got back

"Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up." Alice smiled at him as Nico entered. He gave her a small smile in return, handing her the coffee he had grabbed from the Yellow Piano as an apology. "You feeling any better?" She asked kindly, and thanked him for the drink.

"Yeah. I think all the stress from school got to me combined with lack of sleep. It was bound to happen sooner or later." Nico explained, not going into full detail. He easily could have just lied and said he had the flu, but Alice deserved better than that from him.

"Well, you have a slow day, seeing as it's Sunday." Alice told him, checking the bookings. "Just one consultation and that one dude who is just getting the small tattoo on-" She paused and scanned the sheet, looking for location "oh, you'll have fun with this one. It's the butt guy." Alice laughed. Nico grimaced. It wouldn't be the first tattoo he had done in a slightly more intimate area, but he just didn't understand the appeal. Not to mention this guy was just getting a small smiley face on his butt cheek. Apparently he had lost a bet.

"Sounds good." Nico headed back into his studio to get ready for whatever the day would bring him, pushing his birthday out of his mind. Tomorrow was a Monday, which meant he didn't have work, but he did have to meet with Nala. He had been debating whether or not to cancel because he knew he never felt up to leaving his house on his birthday.

'At least I'm not alone this year' Nico told himself. He could handle it.

(A/N: The next chapter will be lighter, I promise. I think this is my favourite chapter so far, it was so much fun to write, but emotional at the same time. I hope everyone had an excellent holiday and please stay safe if you're going out to any New Year's parties. Also, I admit I forgot about the cat so when I was quickly editing this chapter, I slipped in a few mentions and did the same with the next two chapters I have written. Whoops!)