CHAPTER TWENTY
a modern wedding

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

THE BIG DAY is here, at last — Button House is making its debut as a newly-minted wedding venue.

But there's a catch... there's always a catch. And it has something to do with the freak snowstorm, which has swarmed the county in the last twenty four hours. Effie watches through the frosted window as the flurry coats the courtyard in white, every living specimen standing out like a sore thumb against it. Although a pretty sight, it looks downright freezing and Effie dreads to think of the automobiles getting through this weather.

     At the window, she is the middle ground between the two schools of thought; Mary on one side, Kitty on the other.

     "'Tis bad tidings for the nuptials..." Mary murmurs superstitiously.

     "No, it's romantic! A white wedding. A white, white wedding!" Kitty gleefully counters her with a grin. Shifting her skirt, she walks over to the sofa by the burning log fire and sits herself down. "Oh, I do wish I could see the service."

     "Well, that's at the church, Kitty," Fanny reminds her, "as it should be."

     "If they can get there, that is," the Captain says whilst eyeing the piling snow. "Beastly terrain for civilian vehicles..."

     There is a lot of worrying and uncertainty in the house — where in another room the bride-to-be, Clare, is anxiously crossing off guests who have had to cancel because of the snow. Not just guests, but even the wedding planner got into a freak accident on the motorway and couldn't make it.

     So instead, Pat naturally turns to some happier conversation. "I remember my wedding day," he reminisces fondly. "It was the best day of my life. Carol in velvet, me in a handsome brown three-piece."

     Effie smiles at the memory of her own wedding. "I remember mine, too. It was a good day in the end. Not to mention my dress was fabulous..." she trails off, noticing Kitty's excitement; so she decides to dive into deeper detail just for her. "Satin, with lace and embroidery and beading... oh, and the headpiece! I kept it afterwards. It was a sort of forehead band with the veil attached. But thank goodness the fabrics were light and the dress was shorter, otherwise I'd have keeled over in the heat that day—"

     "I cannot possibly fathom it!" Fanny sneers. "Gowns above the leg, without corsets? Did bridal fashion really fall so swiftly in a decade?"

     "It's no wonder they did, without Lady Fanny Button to nag those skirts down to the floor where they belong!" Effie chides back, making Pat bite back a grin.

     "I cannot bear to think of the joy that would've occasioned my own wedding day..." Thomas laments, lovelorn as ever.

     "Don't remember much of mine," Julian shrugs. "I assume it was fun."

     Then Fanny decides to recount her own wedding day. "Mine was at Winchester Cathedral. I was given away by the Marquis of Granby, and the guests included—"

     "Hmph..."

     A disgruntled noise from Robin cuts her off. In fact, as all the ghosts have been talking of weddings, the caveman has been grunting progressively louder to show his distaste. Fanny gives him a curt look and presses her lips together. "Something to say, have we, Robin?"

     "Well, in my day, you do what you want," Robin explains. "You like someone, you do it. You like someone else, you do it. Easy! No one know who their father is but everyone raise children together."

     "Peace and love, I see..." Julian scoffs. "Bloody hippie, eh? Sounds awful."

     "It's not very romantic, is it?" Pat wrinkles his nose uncertainly.

     But to his surprise, Robin suddenly thrusts a finger his way and says to Pat: "You, wife cheat on you—" Then to Julian, "And you cheat on wife—" Then to Fanny, "And you, husband cheat on you with two men, then kill you—" Then to Effie, "And you tell me one time that husband just... boring."

     Did I? Effie thinks. Whoops...

     "— So open your eyes, people not meant to be mon-hog... mono... mo-hog... hog—"

     "Monogamous," Fanny finally corrects him.

     Robin scratches his stomach and mumbles, "That's what I said."

     "Alright, so our marriages weren't perfect," Effie admits, "and I won't pretend that I ever dreamt of being someone's wife. But like it or not, it has its advantages. Call me shallow, but I could recognise the financial security when I said yes to Philip—"

     "Ah, yes, your dowry," Thomas nods.

     "... No. But apart from that, it's a good excuse for a party! And why not take the opportunity to recognise that you love someone?"

     "You can do that without big party," Robin points out.

     "Yes, but it wouldn't be as fun, would it?" Effie argues.

     "And then there's the case of having children," Pat adds, "it's easier if you are married. Legally, anyway."

     The caveman shrugs. "That not stop me. I reckon I have 'bout... thirty children, no wife."

     "Hold on, THIRTY?!" Effie splutters, almost choking on the words.

     "Or at least. Lost count."

     "Busy bunny, eh?" Julian winks at him.

     "This is not love that you speak of!" Thomas defies him passionately. "It's but the carnality of a beast."

     "Let me put you this..." Robin turns to the poet and asks, "If you had married Isobel, and then you meet Alison—"

     "They're 200 years apart, man!"

     "Question still stands. Or what about Linda? Or Effie? What you do then?"

     "Well, I'd... I'd..." Thomas's eyes suddenly grow wide with an existential choice ahead of him.

     Just then, the Captain marches back into the room with Alison in tow — he'd vanished at some point to check on the bride and the hosts of the wedding reception. "Right," he announces, "we're commandeering the ballroom!"

     "What?" The ghosts all exclaim, standing up in unison.

     "The wedding's happening here."

     "Oh, yes! Yes! A thousand times, YES—" Kitty cries, before suddenly doubling over and retching; a pool of vomit spills from her mouth and floats in the air for a moment before dissolving into dust. What. On. Earth? Effie thinks, watching in horror with the others as Kitty giggles innocently.

     Even Robin agrees: "That has never happened before," he says with wide eyes.

     "Right, I need to get chairs in here," Alison talks to herself, which already riles up Fanny.

     "What?! Alison, no, no, no, no, no," she protests, "you cannot have the service in here, this isn't a church! Where's the steeple, where are the pews, where are the people?"

     "No, it's a perfect solution," Effie argues. "A very modern wedding!"

     "What can we do?" asks Pat chirpily.

     Alison shoots him a guilty look. "Well, n-nothing actually, Pat, can you? 'Cause– cause you're dead..." An awkward beat follows after this, as the realisation sinks in for the well-meaning phantom. "Thank you, though," she adds for good measure.

     "Thank you, Patrick, carry on!" the Captain adds, following Alison like her right-hand man.

{⋅. ✯ .⋅}

THE most entertaining revelation for Effie is that the Captain rather fancies himself a wedding planner — not only that, but he's rather good at it. The ghosts may not be able to help the humans physically, but he follows Alison around giving her suggestions for the decorations ("You want long, lovely loops, like waves across the space, don't you think Julian?" the Captain asks as the light garlands are strung up; and when asked his opinion of the flower arrangements, the man delightedly replies, "Oh, it's wonderful! I mean– it's like a flower grenade has gone off. Oh... it's fabulous!").

     Effie teases him for it, of course, but she can't help find it rather sweet too. Because she isn't sure she can remember a time when the Captain looked so happy. It hit her when he was standing under the glow of the light garlands, grinning from ear-to-ear. He had looked positively radiant in a way he had never allowed himself to be before.

She sees it as the guests start coming in, too. The Captain eagerly waits on the landing to see the attendees for himself, Effie and Fanny at his side. They make their own individual judgements about their clothing — Effie particularly likes one woman's sparkly dress as she walks past. She looks like a sapphire straight out of the jewellery shop.

After complaining about the lack of ties the men are wearing, Fanny practically froths at the mouth when she sees a young woman walk in wearing a yellow velvet jumpsuit. "Does nobody wear a gown to a wedding these days? You'd think this was a circus!" Fanny watches her go with her jaw dropped.

Effie draws breath to quip something back, but the Captain beats her to it.

"Oh, no, it's chic, and it's now... and if it makes her feel fabulous, then, uh..." the Captain mumbles the rest incoherently but genuinely, following the jumpsuit woman into the room.

It is safe to say that it leaves both Fanny and Effie stunned. As the former storms off, Effie beams at the way the Captain is throwing himself into this wedding. Moreover, she is pleasantly surprised to learn he isn't the old codger she thought he was underneath that uniform... (perhaps she shouldn't call him "old" — they would've been the same age, had they been alive).

Julian, unfortunately, is much freer with his compliments. As the woman in the jumpsuit walks by, he smirks. "Hello! Or should I say, yellow? Beautiful banana..." he chortles.

Pat isn't paying attention and is focused on a man who has just sat down. "Do you recognise him?" he asks the others, prompting them to take a closer look at the man as well. Effie takes in the rusty colour of his beard, his pale eyes, the slightly sheepish and uncertain expression... it does ring a bell. But something about it feels wrong in her head. It's like his features are too big for his face. The ghosts spend a while deliberating who it could be — from Dennis Waterman to Mick Hucknell — before the vicar finally arrives at Button House.

"Ah! The vicar's arrived. Good work, Alison," the Captain congratulates her when they walk into the living room.

They see the vicar is wearing a boot for a fractured foot, but limping perfectly happily through the house. A snow-dusted Mike brushes himself down and props up his sled, Alison going over to him. "That took a while," she mutters to him.

"Yeah," Mike tuts, "he wanted to do the hill twice."

A car horn beeps outside as the snow crunches under its wheels. Kitty lets out an elated shriek. "They're here!" she cries; by they, she means the groom, Sam. Although Effie always thought it customary for the bride to arrive after the groom... but never mind that. She figures the modern age has more flexibility for that sort of thing.

Effie watches, expecting a groom in a tuxedo to step out of the car. But instead emerges a woman — dressed in a pure white gown like the snow surrounding her, contrasting against her flaming red hair that falls in waves over her shoulders. A large bouquet of flowers is cradled in her hands as she fluffs up her voluminous skirt. Watching it all doesn't quite click with Effie... something isn't adding up. Because if she is here... where is the groom?

"A double wedding!" Kitty cheers, "Oh my goshness!"

"Who's that?" Effie asks.

"That's Sam," Alison replies.

She does a double take. "It can't be! Sam's... but... hold on, I thought Sam was a he?"

"Not at all," laughs Alison, "Sam is very much a she."

"So she's the... other bride?" Effie double-checks.

"For the same groom? Bigamy?!" Fanny splutters.

Alison shakes her head. "No, they're marrying each other," she replies, as if it's obvious.

Those five words rock Effie's world for a moment. She feels joy burst through the floodgates, which had been held back by her initial confusion about the situation. Two women, marrying each other, just as any man and woman would do? Effie could not have imagined she would see such a day.

If she thought she was struck by this news, Effie should only glance over her shoulder at the Captain's face. It is the look of a man who saw a glimpse of what could have been.

"What on Earth?!" Fanny hisses. Not everyone is so pleased about this revelation.

"Two brides! Wonderful!" Kitty giggles, for the more, the merrier.

"Is this one gartered?" Mary warbles suspiciously.

Two women in burgundy dresses step out behind Sam, and Julian chortles. "Oi-oi, bridesmaids! Tick. Let the wedding commence..."

"Isn't that against the law?" asks Fanny.

"No, times have changed," Alison fires back. And thank goodness for that.

Fanny flies off the handle. "The house will be brought into disrepute... it's a scandal!" she snaps, storming out of the room. Effie is glad to be rid of her for a while, if it means Fanny can cool off and reconsider her prejudices.

Meanwhile, Kitty eyes the ladies in burgundy again. "Those are the bridesmaids?" she asks.

"It seems so," Effie nods.

"But they're wearing burgundy... just like me..."

Here we go.

"Wonderful choice," says the Captain suddenly, a twinkle in his eye as he inspects them through the window. "A darker shade, as if to frame the glowing white of the beautiful bride, without upstaging her..."

Effie and Julian exchange a knowing look. Then, grinning cheekily at him, she says, "Forget the army, Captain, you should've written for Harper's Bazaar."

While she revels in the flash of sheepishness in the Captain's face, Kitty badgers Alison on her way to the front door. "Does this mean I'm a bridesmaid?! Can I be a bridesmaid?! Please, please, PLEASE—" she growls.

"Yes, yes! Fine, yeah," Alison waves her off, just in time as she opens the door to Sam and the bridesmaids. She welcomes the shivering group inside with a hopeful smile. "Okay, so we've set everything out in the ballroom," she tells them.

"Oh, thank you so much for doing this for us. Honestly, I don't know what we would have done without you," Sam sighs in relief. Unbeknownst to her, Mary is crouching on hands and knees around her skirt, checking "whether this bride be gartered."

"No, it's our pleasure. It's all part of the Button House—"

"— Brand!" Mike interjects, making a hashtag symbol (which Effie still doesn't understand) with his fingers. "Hashtag Button House. Available for bookings. Tell your friends. Ha-ha... please."

     Effie wrinkles her nose, unconvinced. Whilst she shakes off her secondhand embarrassment, she follows Sam and the bridesmaids through into one of the rooms arranged for them to get ready. Every time she looks at the second bride, it hits her all over again that this is actually happening — what a world to be living in! Effie finds herself thinking back to faces from the past... the women she had felt attraction for, she knew that had to be what it was, but she never went beyond to explore it more. Even if there wasn't necessarily any of them who she would have married, given the choice, it blows her mind to imagine having the right to consider it.

     All that said, Effie would rather not dwell on what couldn't be done in her lifetime. Instead, she celebrates what Sam and Clare can share today, and the self-acceptance coming with it that she never knew she needed.

     ... Well, she enjoys those feelings until she catches Julian ogling at the bridesmaids in burgundy.

     "— Pinch on the bum, no harm done!" he is saying as Effie tunes back in; she suddenly wishes she could un-hear him, although that wouldn't be the first time.

     "These are gentlewomen, sir," Thomas protests, "not Whitechapel strumpets!"

     "You're fun," scoffs Julian.

     The ghosts walk back through to the ballroom, so beautifully decorated by Alison (and the Captain, partially) as the guests sit in their chairs and wait for the ceremony to start. Instead what they see is Alison and Mike whispering to Clare's dad, and they all seem concerned — Effie immediately wants to know all the details.

     Not only that, but Effie also wants to know what has soured Pat since she last saw him — when they left the room he was smiling ear-to-ear, and now he looks as though he could strangle a man. What happened?

     As Alison walks off, only one of those questions is about to be answered.

     "Alison, what's happening?" the Captain asks her.

     "We've just lost one of the brides."

     "WHAT?!"

     As she walks away, the urgency to act seizes the Captain, the other ghosts looking to him for instruction. "Right, pay attention, everyone!" he barks. "We have a missing bride. We need to search the house. Thomas, Mary, East Wing. Robin, Julian, West Wing. Effie, you stay in the ballroom on the lookout if Clare passes through. Pat, you're with me. Come along!"

     (Almost) everyone disperses, except for Pat as he scowls into the distance.

     "Well, come on, man—"

     "Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time!" Pat snaps; if looks could kill, the auburn-haired man would be toast.

     Effie then stays where she is as the others leave — why did she get the boring job? She wants to search the house with everyone else, not sit in the half-filled ballroom as Mike tries to keep the guests entertained. She sincerely hopes Clare is just having a case of wedding day jitters. Lord knows Effie had them on her nuptials.

     Mike steps up to the front of the room, in front of their makeshift altar, to address the guests. "Hi. Er, we're going to start soon, but I just want to say a few words to welcome you all to Button House." He clears his throat, shifting on the spot. "Er, well done for getting here, in this weather. Many didn't make it..." he adds, solemnly.

There is an awkward cough in the silence that follows.

"Not that they died! They just got stuck. Although the wedding planner had quite a serious– nah, nothing."

Effie shakes her head slowly. "Oh, Michael, no..." she cringes.

"Anyway, the best ones are here, right? Right?"

More uncomfortable silence.

Getting desperate, Mike turns to the vicar, who has been meekly standing in the corner with his Bible until now. "So, erm... Vicar? You've done hundreds of weddings. You must have some stories."

     "Oh, not really," says the vicar sheepishly.

     "Really? No stories?"

     "No, nothing very—"

     "Being modest?"

     "I, er..."

     Trying to ignore the guests, Mike leans close to the vicar and whispers, "You have to help me. Alison's gone to find Clare and I don't know what's happening."

     "Right," the vicar stutters, "I just don't—"

     "Make something up. Yeah?" Before the vicar can change his mind, Mike gives him a slap on the back towards the homemade altar, whooping enthusiastically for him. Then he darts off to join the search for Clare. How come he gets to run off and Effie can't?

     The vicar stares at guests uneasily. He clears his throat, which already sounds dry from nerves.

     "Erm, hello..." he says timidly. Good start. "I, er, I remember one wedding. Goodness me, it must've been about twenty years ago, at least, when– erm... during the vows, all of a sudden, the doors flew open and a dog ran into the church!"

     This revelation is met lukewarmly by the guests, who just stare blankly at him. Someone stifles a yawn through a sealed jaw.

     "Barking! Barking away, he was. Woof, woof, woof."

     Someone's chair creaks as they shift in it; perhaps sensing that they will be here for a while, so they might as well get comfortable.

     "But, er, that was just the start..."

     "Oh God, I can't do this," Effie caves in. She swivels on her heel and turns in the other direction, anywhere from the painfully awkward atmosphere in here.

{⋅. ✯ .⋅}

LUCKILY, Effie strikes gold on her first instinct, finding the runaway bride in under a couple of minutes. She sees Alison and the other ghosts huddled around the bathroom door, which presumably Clare is behind. She tip-toes behind them and stands with Thomas as she tries to catch up.

     "What's going on?" she asks.

     "Clare is hiding in the privy, but Alison is trying to uncover the root of her sorrows," Thomas informs her.

     The Captain suddenly notices her there and does a double take. "Effie, I thought I told you to stay in the ballroom and check for the bride!"

     "Well she's here, isn't she?" Effie retorts.

     Alison turns and presses a finger to her lips, signalling for them to be quiet. She cannot hear herself think, let alone anything that Clare might say. "Are you– are you sure you're okay?" she asks her. There is a long pause from behind the bathroom door.

"I'm scared I'm... making a mistake," Clare replies.

"Hm," Effie nods. Just as she suspected. But again, she hopes it is jitters and nothing more.

"Well, she is," says Robin gruffly. "Monopoly is a trap."

"Monogamy," Thomas corrects him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

"I'm being stupid!" Clare despairs from inside.

"Yep," says Robin curtly, and rather unhelpfully.

"Don't say that," Alison soothes her (or scolds him, it's hard to tell).

Clare sighs loudly. "It's not that I don't love her. It's not that we aren't happy, it... just suddenly feels terrifying."

"Oh, get over it and get on with it! You're lucky to be alive! Honestly, people don't know they're born!" Pat suddenly yells, voice strangled with fury. He turns and runs off stomping out of the corridor.

Pat's outburst aside, Effie feels for Clare. She remembers having that exact feeling on her wedding day — and that is exactly why she knows she and Sam will be alright. Well, Effie and Philip had their bumps, that's for sure, and who knows what more years on their relationship would have done... but it is difficult to turn back on the idea of marrying him. She knew she had to take a chance. Especially after Arthur, she was reluctant to let a man who loved her slip through her fingers again.

"It's completely natural for you to get cold feet today," Alison re-iterates.

"Yeah," Robin chuckles, "it's snowing."

"It's a metaphor, Robin," the Captain rolls his eyes.

"You're a metaphor..." the caveman grumbles back.

Alison takes a deep breath, fiddling with the string at the end of her jumper. "Don't tell anyone this, but... I had a wobble on my wedding day," she admits. "I kept thinking, Is he the one? I'm still young, do I really want to commit for the rest of my life, you know? Is it naive to think that I won't fall in love again? And all the little habits, and all the little things that annoy me, can I really live with them every day?"

"You're absolutely right," Thomas nods, "he's wrong for you."

"Can you—" Alison glares daggers at him, before continuing. "But then I tried to imagine living without him. And I couldn't. Because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We're a team. And we love each other."

"... Nah, I preferred the first bit," the poet mutters.

But Effie is all in agreement. "Well-said, Alison, well-said!" she cheers her on. Because everything she had voiced takes her back, to the few years she spent being Philip's wife.

Robin's words from earlier come back to haunt her: "And you tell me one time that husband just... boring."

She probably did say that. And yes, he was boring sometimes, among other things. Effie could have presented a list of all his habits and idiosyncrasies that really got her goat. Philip probably had a similar list for her — much more cohesive and organised, no doubt. They were fundamentally different in many, many ways; people told them so, too... But no matter how hard she tries to imagine her life without Philip there, it's not quite fully-formed. There are some things she probably relishes in that she couldn't when she was married, certainly, but his absence is noticeable.

Effie hadn't expected to feel so sentimental over him. Now, she suddenly wishes she could say hello to her husband again. Nothing extravagant. Just a hello.

She distracts herself instead with the case of the nervous bride. The Captain, Thomas, Mary and Julian have all gone inside the bathroom to sit with Clare. Effie and Alison creep closer to the door with bated breath.

"So, you know, only you can make that decision. Can you imagine life without her?" Alison asks her with a hopeful smile.

"It's working!" says the Captain from the inside. "She's looking at pictures of them on her telephone."

"Oh, holiday snaps! No, no, scroll back..." Julian says.

"Clare? So, what do you think?" Alison asks again. "Do you want to do this?"

A beat passes. Then the lock clicks, and she and Effie remove their ears from the door. Clare is stood in her white wedding suit, chest inflated with a deep breath.

"I do," Clare says.

"That's my girl!" Effie grins, before swiftly dodging Clare's path before she walks through her. The bride emerges with a new confidence to marry the one she loves. The ghosts and Alison all follow her excitedly — well, except for Mary, who keeps hounding her with superstitions:

     "I fears for the marriage, Alison! Much is not done. The bride be not gartered. And where are the bachelors to carry her to bed? And someone must break cake over her head—"

"I'll– I'll catch you up," Alison tells an oblivious Clare. On her way out, Effie shoots her a sympathetic look, before leaving her alone with Mary to hear her warnings.

When Sam arrives back in the decorated ballroom, the vicar is still telling his story; what he doesn't know is that an extra guest has joined in to listen. Norman, the jester ghost, has seated himself in the front and leans forward completely enraptured.

"We... we– we had gathered around the well and... well, we thought we could hear a baby crying."

"No!" Norman gasps.

The vicar continues, "Nobody had a ladder, so we thought we were going to have to use the bucket..."

But the rest of the ghosts have bigger problems to worry about. Because, as it turns out, now Sam has vanished into thin air. When one bride appears, another disappears. In the room next-door, the ghosts listen to the hushed argument between the couple.

"What do you mean she's not here?" Alison asks.

Mike, who seems strangely subdued, replies, "She went off with her mum."

"Why?"

     "She's so upset!" Kitty interjects, lip wobbling.

"She found out that her bride might be having doubts about marrying her."

"You told her?!" Alison looks like she could pull her hair out. "Oh my God, Mike, I had it all under control. All you had to do was just keep them waiting."

     "Well, I'm sorry I always disappoint you," Mike snipes back.

     "Sorry's not good enough, is it?" Thomas huffs.

     Alison can't believe her husband's sudden bitterness. "That's such an insensitive thing to do."

     "Is the wedding off?" Kitty weeps.

     "No!"

     "Alison, we need a plan," says the Captain, looming in the doorway, "the guests are getting restless—"

     "Oh, who cares about the guests? To hell with the guests!" Pat suddenly roars, startling everyone. "What's it got to do with us, eh? We're dead, in case you hadn't noticed. We can't do a bloody thing!"

     The ghosts shoot each other bewildered looks, none of them quite sure where his anger is coming from. Meanwhile, Alison hatches a plan to hopefully save the wedding. "I'm going to talk to Sam and then you just make sure that Clare's still here when we get back," she tells Mike. "Or IF we get back..."

     Once they have left, Robin rolls his eyes. "All this over silly piece of paper!" he shakes his head. To be fair, Effie can't fault him on that one.

     "I just wanted to be a bridesmaid!" Kitty bawls, turning her face into Effie's chest and hiccuping through sobs. Effie awkwardly pats her back and does her best to comfort her sorrows.

     Thomas is feeling rather more optimistic. "You all saw that, didn't you? That she tires of him," he says, of Alison and Mike's tiff. "Finally, she sees the light! Yes!" he cheers, punching the air.

     "No, Thomas," Effie groans, "you're just seeing what you want to—"

     "Where do you think you're going?!"

     Pat's enraged exclamation catches all their attentions. When they peek through the doorway, they see Pat is gone, or at least on his way out as he follows a man downstairs — the same one they were all trying to recognise from earlier. Curious, they follow him, down to the room where drinks and refreshments have been laid out for after the ceremony. The man, who seems rather queasy, lets out a troubled sigh and reaches for the first bottle he finds.

     "You BASTARD!" Pat hollers.

     "Patrick?" the Captain says, startled.

     But he's blocked him out. He keeps ranting at the man as he takes a drink: "Come here, you scally! You– you reprobate! Those drinks were for later!"

     "Leave it, Pat," Thomas insists, walking towards him.

     What happens next is a domino effect of chaos.

     Pat makes a swing for the man, instead his fist dissolves straight through him and punches Thomas on the nose. The poet staggers back and dabs his nose to find no blood was drawn. Then he is throwing punches too — weak ones, mind you — and the Captain, Robin and Julian are trying to intervene, only to get dragged into the fight with no clear origin. The Captain collides into Mary and she hits her skull onto his. Even Humphrey's gets involved at some point, his head somewhere else having nothing to do with it.

     "Stop this at once, you... barbarous cretins!" Effie yells above the noise, but no one is listening.

     While she is distracted, she feels Kitty run off to the guest list, frantically scanning the names. Then she lets out a shocked gasp as she reaches one of the names not stricken through.

"Stop!" Kitty cries, "It's Keith Darren Dean!"

The ghosts freeze mid-brawl. Effie takes pause, too. Where has she heard that name before? Then it hits her:

The 27th of October, 1984. The auburn-haired boy fiddling with the bow and arrow. The horrified guilt on his face as he discards them, watching the scout leader grapple with the arrow in his neck.

It's him. Keith is the guest who Pat and the others (bar Julian) knew they recognised, but couldn't place where from. That little boy is all grown-up, and still harrowed by the past. No wonder Pat had been so upset...

Realising their error, they follow Pat outside. The snow falls down in a flurry, but they cannot feel the cold; not any more than they already do. Button House and its grounds are bleak and white, compared to that bright and sunny day of the fatal accident. The ghosts stop and watch from afar as Keith walks towards the tree stump where the bus had collided, where Pat drew his last breath... not knowing that he follows in his footsteps, watching close by.

They stand close by, but apart for a while. The wind howls around them. Keith is shivering. Is it from the cold, or the revisiting of this moment which must have haunted him forever?

Finally, it is Keith's voice which interrupts the wintry vigil.

"Hello, Skip," he says hoarsely.

Even from behind, Effie can see that Pat perks up. "Hello, Keith," he replies, even if he can't hear him.

"I just want you to know," says Keith, "I do think about you."

"... I think about you too."

"About that day... I'm sorry, Skip."

"I forgive you," Pat says earnestly. "I should never have given an eight year-old a lethal weapon. I suppose if there's one thing I could say to you, Keith, it would be— urgh!"

Pat grimaces as Keith turns and walks through his spiritual form. It only occurs to him then, that Keith couldn't hear anything he was saying. But perhaps that didn't matter — it was more for himself. He turns to the other ghosts, who have been standing and watching supportively the whole time. His previous anger has dissipated into something bittersweet.

"I'm okay!" Pat calls back shakily. "Sorry."

They smile back at him. Of course they understand how it threw his emotions into disarray. Effie walks forward through the snow, once she is sure she's not disrupting his peace, and gently places a hand on his shoulder as best as she can.

"Come along, Pat," Effie tells him, "we've got a wedding to go to."

{⋅. ✯ .⋅}

THE ghosts make it back just in time for the ceremony. The brides have fortunately resolved their misunderstandings whilst they were out in the snow. Doing away with tradition, Sam and Clare have decided to walk down the aisle together. As they are on their way to the room, Mike gets the music ready — accidentally selecting a rave song on his phone before hastily switching to the Wedding March.

     That music, however traditional, takes Effie straight back to walking down the aisle. Somehow it feels like yesterday, although it's almost a century ago now.

The ghosts quickly make an archway with their arms for the brides to walk through — including Fanny and Humphrey's head, which she places back on top of his severed neck. He hastily raises his arms and has to go along with what the other ghosts are doing.

"Mission accomplished," the Captain smiles triumphantly.

As Sam and Clare walk under their arms, huddled closely together and beaming, Julian reaches his hand down... before he can even attempt anything inappropriate, Effie smacks his hand away. Then she watches fondly as she can see the glow in Clare's dad's eyes, or Sam's mother mopping her own with a handkerchief.

"It's nice to see their parents so happy," she whispers, to no one in particular. "My mother and father didn't show up to my wedding. My brother gave me away instead."

"Why weren't your parents there?" Humphrey asks casually.

"We... fell out."

"Over what?"

Effie opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She realises she cannot bring herself to say why out loud. Not when their faces are staring expectantly at her like this. Especially when Fanny furrows her eyebrows at her, she wishes she had just abandoned the subject—

"Please, be seated," says the vicar.

Effie lets whatever her answer would've been float away. The guests all sit down, except for the ghosts who stand and watch.

"You changed your tune," Thomas murmurs to Fanny, noticing her lack of protest now.

"Well, times change, don't they? We should know," Fanny remarks. "After all, if George had been free to love as he chose, well, I wouldn't have been murdered. And I could have had a husband instead who wanted to know me. And when I say know, I mean he would give me a really good—"

"A really good something that's better left to the imagination!" Effie cuts her off.

The rest of the ceremony goes smoothly, thank goodness, and Sam and Clare are married peacefully. But there is still plenty ahead to do — the chairs are pushed back and the ballroom is transformed into a disco haven, with pink lights and a DJ in front of the fireplace. The guests dance, sing, talk and even flirt in some corners of the room. The bride throws her bouquet back for a lucky young lady to catch (Kitty lamenting that she didn't catch it).

As the party goes on, Effie stands with Robin and Fanny to watch. Mike is just having a word with the DJ, then proceeds to take over and select a song — 'My Girl' by The Temptations. Something melts in Alison's face as soon as she hears it. It's their wedding song. Their eyes meet across the room, and it is like love all over again.

"Okay, sometimes it work," Robin has to admit, then. "Mon-og-amy."

Fanny and Effie both whirl round in surprise. "Oh! Very good, Robin!"

"Monogamy. Monogamy! Monogamy—"

"Yes, that's enough, thank you Robin..."

As the caveman wades into the crowd, Effie shuffles a little closer to Fanny. "Look at them," she nods towards Sam and Clare slow-dancing in the middle. "Could you have imagined that in our day, out in the open?"

"Certainly not," Fanny shakes her head, although less disgusted than she'd been earlier.

"It would have been nice to explore that side of myself whilst I was alive. But, you know, it is what it is..."

Effie hadn't meant to let it slip out; but she didn't exactly mind saying it, either. It feels so freeing to show it without missing a beat. What amuses her more than anything is the way Fanny's jaw drops after the moment she connects two and two. She opens and closes it a couple times, lost for words.

Finally, Effie says, "If we were showing off party tricks, Fanny, you'd make an awfully good goldfish."

Fanny snaps her mouth shut then. She doesn't seem repulsed, more surprised than anything. But Effie feels confident that she will come to terms with it by the end of the evening — like with most things, she just requires time to digest it... even if time sometimes means multiple decades.

     She lets Fanny bask in that as she walks onto the dance-floor. Humphrey's body is stood in the middle of it, his head toppling off from lack of balance. Effie swoops her hand underneath and catches it just in time. "Oh, cheers Effie!" he chuckles.

     "Not to worry," Effie replies, placing his head back on his neck. "Is that alright?"

     "Yep, perfect. You know, it's nice seeing it all from up here. Good view."

     She suddenly has an idea. "Why don't we dance, seeing as you're still in one piece? I'm the best dance partner you'll find, I promise."

     "Ooh, alright then!" Humphrey goes along with it, letting Effie take his hands in hers. He seems slightly confused to be swaying slowly to the music — dancing has changed quite a bit since the Elizabethans did it — but is happy to be there. Effie does her best to guide him in a simple foxtrot step.

     Mike and Alison are also in each other's arms, slow-dancing to 'My Girl', whilst a sulking Thomas watches on.

     "I think I want another fight..." he mutters. Then he perks up. "Ooh! Can that be a club?"

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

AUTHOR'S NOTE !

( date: 19th december, 2024 )

below is my inspiration for effie's wedding dress in 1923 :-)

1920s fashion is so gorgeous to me!!

and you haven't seen much (or any) of effie's eventual husband yet, but i plan to show more of philip connolly and her married life to him in act three. you got brief crumbs here, the rest are being saved for flashbacks & etc. so stay tuned...

can't remember if i have already mentioned it in an author's note, but this chapter basically confirms that effie is bisexual! she has felt attraction to women on a couple of occasions in her life, and this episode with the wedding kind of affirms that in her head. also to the point where she feels happy enough to say it to another ghost! it was hinted at in chapter 7, can't remember if it has shown up in other chapters yet, i'm sometimes forgetful with the earlier stuff lmao

also that last scene with effie & humphrey dancing was a last-minute addition, i thought of it as i was writing <3 the poor guy deserves to not be forgotten as much.

one chapter of act two left, and it's the christmas special!! be prepared for festive vibes... but also, grab your tissues. just in case.

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horrible histories
icon of today:
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[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

( picked this because tom hughes
plays effie's husband... and he played
prince albert in itv's victoria... )

have a good day/evening,
— IMOGEN  ♡