Chapter 4

With the anger still seeping through me, I drove the car as fast as I could and ended with the nightclub I once visited before. I am not fond of clubbing, but here I am in this place again. Agad akong naupo sa stool at pilit na kinokontrol ang inis sa katawan ko.

“What’s your order, Ma’am?”

“Porke naupo rito, dapat order agad? Hindi ba pwedeng gusto lang munang tumambay?” I hissed at the bartender. Alam kong wala siyang kasalanan pero kapag ganitong badtrip ako, lahat ay nadadamay.

“Suit yourself, then.” Sinamaan ko ito ng tingin.

“Fine. Give me, uhm? Can you recommend me some drink?” I asked him. I’m not here to get drunk. Gusto ko lang ilabas ‘yung sama ng loob ko.

“Tutal ay mukhang wala naman po kayong balak magpakalasing, we have Shirley Temple, low-alcohol beer, cocktail, caipirinha, lemonade—”

“Mojito,” putol ko sa kanya at napailing ito dahil sa lahat ng binanggit niya, wala roon ang napili ko. Napadukdok na lamang ako roon sa bar counter habang hinihintay ‘yung order ko.

“Here’s your drink, beautiful.” Nakuha ng bartender na iyon ang atensyon ko dahil sa sinabi niya. “Mojito na pala ang nais mo ngayon, Ma’am. The last time Martini, e. Getting wasted again?” Saka ito humalakhak.

I stared at him. Am I close to this guy? Later I realized that it was the same bartender who served me before. Matapos kong uminom ng kaunti sa baso ng mojito, napadukdok muli ako. Getting wasted? Well, not really. The last time I came here is to get wasted because of that damn wedding, and here I am again, so frustrated because of the same reason. Geez. Nakakainis silang lahat.

“Bakit pala wala ‘yung boyfriend mo?” Napaangat ako ng ulo dahil sa naging tanong nito.

“Boyfriend? As far as I remember, I have none.” Fiance, pupwede pa.

“Oh, so, he’s not your boyfriend?” I arc my brows on this bartender, still figuring out whose he’s referring to. “Yung nagbuhat sa’yo noon, Ma’am.” He answered like he has read what’s inside my mind.

Nagbuhat sa akin noon? Wait. Is he referring to that guy? To that guy whom I kissed and whom I had a... one night... “Argh!” Wala sa sariling napasigaw ako dahil naalala ko na naman iyon.

And because of my scream, napatigil iyong DJ sa pinapatugtog niya. Napayuko na lang ako sa kahihiyan dahil lahat sila’y napatingin sa gawi ko habang itong bartender ay tinatawanan lang ako. Akala mo naman close talaga kami, e.

“Hey, come here,” mahinang tawag ko sa kanya. Agad naman ako nitong nilapitan. “Iyong taong tinutukoy mo, bumalik ba siya ulit dito?” I don’t know why am I asking that, e hindi ko naman kilala iyong lalaking ‘yon.

“After that night, I saw him once here. Pero ang madalas kong nakikita ay ‘yung kasama niya noon. Hindi naman siya umiinom pero para siyang may hinahanap. Ano nga ba kasi ang pangalan no’n? Jem? Jet? Or Jeff? Oo, ayon nga, ‘yung Jeff!” he even snapped his fingers on me.

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. Ang talas naman ng isip niya’t naaalala pa niya ‘yung pangalan no’n. E ako nga ni hindi ko maalala na may kasama pala ang lalaking iyon. Ang naalala ko lang ay nagkaroon ng kababalaghan sa pagitan naming dalawa. Ah, geez! My own choice of words cringed me!

Since we’re talking about my first time in this club, I asked him about the pouch I handed him before but he told me that he gave it to Jeff because all he thought is I am that guy’s girlfriend. Sabi pa niya kung alam niya lang daw na hindi ako girlfriend nung lalaking iyon, sana pala raw ay hindi niya ibinigay.

Baka naman ako ‘yung hinahanap ng Jeff na ‘yon para ibalik sa akin ‘yung pouch? I don’t know what’s inside that pouch but I don’t care anymore. Ang importante ay nasa akin pa rin naman lahat ng IDs ko. Maybe, cash? Sabihin na lang nating biyaya ko na iyon sa lalaking iyon. Well, sharing is caring.

Muli kong sinenyasan iyong bartender papalapit sa akin. “Wala ka naman sigurong lahing tsismoso, ‘no?” curious kong tanong dahil lahat ng tanong ko ay may kasagutan siya.

“Baka po ikaw, Ma’am. Tanong ka nang tanong, e.”

I glared him. The hell? “Ang pangit mong ka-bonding! Isang baso pa nga!” Tss.

Unlike last time, nanatili lamang ako sa stool at ni hindi ko alam kung nakailang baso na ako. Ang alam ko lang ay lasing na ako at ang sunod kong naramdaman ay ang pag-aalalay ng dalawang tao sa akin para makatayo. That’s when I dozed off.

I held my temple and massaged it lightly. I felt like my head is about to explode. Saka ko iminulat ang mga mata ko. Kahit na inaantok pa ako, parang nagising ako ng wala sa oras nang mapagtanto kong nasa ibang kwarto na naman ako.

“Oh, gosh! Is this the Part 2 of that one night stand? Geez, Rhian? Ano na naman ba kasing ginawa mo?” I whispered in the air. Mabilis akong sumiksik sa headrest nang marinig ko ang pagbukas nung pintuan.

“Jana?” Hindi makapaniwalang saad ko.

“Alak pa, Rhian. Ano, kumusta ang paglalasing?” the side of her lips rose.

“How did I end up here?” Naguguluhan kong tanong.

“Gaga! Tinawagan kita dahil hinahanap ka nina Tito Francis at Harold sa akin. Tapos nung sinagot mo ‘yung tawag ko, hindi ko na maintindihan mga pinagsasabi mo. Mabuti na lang at mabait ‘yung bartender na nagserve sa’yo at sinabing naroon ka raw sa nightclub nila,” mahaba nitong sagot saka ako sinamaan ng tingin.

“Kumain ka muna para mawala hangover mo. Grabe ka malasing, Rhian. Sobrang grabe. Nakakaproud kang maging best friend,” sarkasmong saad nito. Hindi na lamang ako kumibo’t kinuha iyong soup na dala niya.

Habang kinakain iyon, I wonder what were the things I did when I’m drunk. Based on Jana’s sarcasm, maybe I did something shameful. Geez!

“Ack,” agad kong inilayo ang bowl ng soup sa akin dahil bigla ko na lang nailuwa iyong mga kinain ko.

“Rhian Cassandra! Bagong bili lang ‘yung foam, leche ka!” Tinapunan ko ng masamang tingin si Jana. Naisuka ko na nga ‘yung kinain ko pero mas inaalala pa talaga niya ‘yung foam niyang bago. “Alak pa kasi. Masaya ‘yan,” dagdag nito, puno ulit ng sarkasmo.

Agad na ipinalinis ni Jana iyong kama. Pagkalabas ko sa kwartong ‘yon ay noon ko lamang nalamang ala-una na pala. Jana even scolded me. Pasalamat daw ako’t Sabado ngayon dahil kung hindi, paniguradong absent ako sa trabaho ngayon.

I was crashed in Jana’s house until night. At hindi na naman ako nakaligtas sa mga sarkasmo nitong salita noong maisuka ko na naman ‘yung mga kinakain ko. I’m still having a hangover, though. Inaasar pa nga ako nito dahil mojito lang naman daw ‘yung ininom ko. Gusto ko tuloy siyang sapakin. It’s as if she’s not aware that I have a low alcohol tolerance.

“Ilang basong mojito ba kasi nainom mo?”

“Malay ko? May maglalasing bang bibilangin muna kung ilang baso ‘yung mauubos niya?”

“Gracious goodness, Rhian Cassandra Echarri. You are the best!” she thundered.

“Thanks,” nang-aasar kong tugon. Natawa naman si Ellie dahil sa mga inaasta namin sa harapan niya.

It’s already 12 in the morning yet I am still fully awake. Sina Jana at Ellie nama’y paniguradong tulog na. Harold texted me. I told him that I’m at Jana’s place right now and to not tell them where I am. Babalik na rin naman ako sa condo bukas. Bandang alas tres na yata noong dinalaw ako ng antok.

“Salamat! Let me crash in your place again when I’m drunk!” I teased at Jana nang maibaba ako ng mga ito sa harap ng condo.

“You wished!”

“That’s definitely one of my future wishes, my dear Genie Jana!” Saka ako patakbong pumasok ng elevator dahil kulang na lang na lumukot ang mukha niya. Ang pangit talaga magalit ni Jana!

Nung dumating ang Lunes, bumalik ulit sa normal ang buhay ko na kung saan ay sa condo at kompanya lang na naman umiikot ang buhay ko. During meetings, I acted distant with my Dad. To be honest, I was mad at him. I am his daughter yet he can’t oppose Tita Margaret’s decision.

Kahit man lang sana siya ‘yung umaalam sa nararamdaman ko o kung payag ba ako sa lecheng kasal na ‘yan pero naging tahimik lang siya. When I turned 18, I told him not to celebrate my debut kung isasabay iyong engagement yet it did happen. Among all the surprises I got, that engagement is the surprise I never wished to celebrate.

Sabi ng Dad ay pumayag na lang daw ako dahil nasa sa akin pa rin naman ang desisyon kapag nasa tamang edad na ako. And when I’m already at the right age to know and decide what’s right for me, wala pa rin siyang ginawa.

“How could my Dad be blinded because of his love for Tita Margaret?” I annoyingly whispered.

“You’re still young to understand what love is, darling.”

“Dad,” agad akong napatayo sa biglaang pagpasok ng Daddy sa office ko. Why did I even voice it out? And why did he enter without knocking at the door?

“I know you are mad at me—”

“I am not,” giit ko. “Fine. I am. I am mad at you, Dad,” pagbawi ko rin sa sinabi ko.

Dad laughed because of me. “You’re too honest, darling,” usal nito saka naglakad papalapit sa direksyon ko. “You have the right to get mad at me anyhow. If being mad at me will make you at ease, don’t stop yourself.”

“Dad, kinokonsensya mo ba ako?” Singit ko sa kanya. Muli ay tawa lamang ang naging tugon nito.

“I agreed with Margaret’s plan when you’re 18 because I can see that Harold is a good guy and I have this conclusion that you might fall for him when you two grow up. But I didn’t consider that there are things we can’t force, and I am sorry for that.” Dad took my hand and looked at me. “Starting today, whatever your decision is, I will support you. About Margaret, I’ll discuss it with her.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I smiled at him.

“Rhian, anak, I’m sorry if things have to go this far without considering your feelings. Kahit hindi mo pa sabihin sa akin ang nararamdaman mo, bilang Tatay mo, nababasa kita. Alam kong hindi okay ang relasyon mo kay Erica at kay Margaret, pero bilang haligi ng pamilyang ‘to, kakausapin ko sila para maibalik ‘yung dating relasyon na mayroon ka sa kanila.”

“Dad...” I let out a deep sigh. “Dad, what if...” that was followed by a deep sigh again.

Dad, what if you learn that they’re just using you? That’s what I wanted to ask him. I also wanted to tell him that my relationship with them changed not because of that arranged marriage and that I can’t just hate them without anything. But in the end, hindi ko nagawang sabihin iyon sa Daddy ko. Gustung-gusto kong sabihin sa kanya ang mga nalalaman ko pero parang may pumipigil sa akin.

“Nothing. Have you eaten?” Agad ko ring iniba iyong usapan noong pumasok si Alessia bitbit ‘yung pagkaing pinakuha ko sa kanya. Tumango ang Daddy sa tanong ko at sinabi nitong aalis na raw siya para makakain na ako lalo pa’t alam niyang ayaw kong may nanonood sa akin kapag kumakain ako.

“Geez! Why is the food tasted so awful?” Napapunas na lang ako sa gilid ng labi ko. At kahit gutom na gutom ako, idinaan ko na lang iyon sa tubig.

It’s been a week since I got drunk, but there’s a time that I throw up food. Is this still part of my hangover? Gosh, I might stop drinking now. This won’t do any good to me.

“Jana, I have a question.”

“Spill it out.”

“Ilang araw umaabot ang hangover?” Noon ko lamang nakuha ang atensyon nito dahil kanina pa siyang babad sa phone niya.

“Why? Don’t tell me uminom ka na naman?”

“No. It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s just that until now I still throw up food. I don’t know kung hangover pa rin ba ‘yon or... teka, wala naman siguro akong sakit, ‘di ba?” I was clouded with worries now. Wala naman siguro akong sakit katulad ng iniisip ko, right? “I mean, well, I guess it’s normal na masuka kapag ayaw ng sikmura natin ‘yung pagkain, ‘di ba?” I added.

“Why are you giving me that kind of look? It’s as if I did something horrible.” I told Jana because her looks are scaring me.

“Normal lang naman ‘yon pero...” Sitting on her chair, Jana dragged it near me. “Rhian, can you please be honest with me?” mahina nitong tanong sa akin.

“About what?”

“Have you ever had sex?”

“Jana!” I yelled at her, making the other customers looked at us. What the hell? What kind of question is that? That is so out of hand.

“But have you done it to someone? Remember when we talked about our honeymoon, you blushed? Tell me, have ydone it to someone?” I felt like I was cornered because of her question. “Rhian, ano na? Sagot?”

I bit my lip and nodded shyly at her. Things were traveling back on my mind again. That kiss. That fucking kiss. Darn it.

“Bingo!” She remarked. What does she mean by bingo? “I guess you’re pregnant.”

“P-pregnant? No. That’s impossible,” parang kusang nawala ang enerhiya sa katawan ko dahil sa aking narinig.

“We’ll find that out soon.” Jana put cash on our table at sinenyasan niya iyong waitress bago niya ako hinila palabas at papuntang drugstore. “I’m gonna buy you a pregnancy test and this will tell us whether you are really pregnant or not.”

Jana bought five pieces of that kit with different brands and handed it to me. Ni halos ayaw kong gumalaw para kunin iyon sa kanya. But she took my hand and gave it to me.

“Try that now.”

I gulped hard. “Can... Can I just do it when I get back to my condo?”

“Sure. Gamitin mo lahat ‘yang five para makasiguro ka. Inform mo ako sa results, ha? Geez! Why am I feeling so excited?” Binigyan ako nito ng matamis na ngiti pero hindi ko siya magawang tugunan ng ngiti pabalik.

Hanggang sa makarating ako sa bahay, nakasabit lang sa kamay ko iyong maliit na puting plastic bag ng drugstore kung saan nakalagay iyong limang pregnancy tests na binili ni Jana para sa akin.

I sat at the edge of my bed, doubting if I should use it or not. Nakaupo lamang ako sa kama ng isang oras, na umabot sa dalawang oras, hanggang tatlong oras. When I felt that I’m gonna pee, that’s when I decided to use it. It’s better for me to do this to know what’s really happening to me.

Matapos kong umihi, bitbit ang unang pregnancy test na ginamit ko ay huminto ako sa harap ng salamin, umaasang sana ay hindi ako buntis.

Mariin kong pinagdikit ang labi ko bago ko tinignan iyong kamay ko. With my right thumb covering the result of the PT, I slowly moved it to the right side and the two red lines caught my very eyes. Nanghihinang napahawak ako sa sink. Two red lines.

As I looked myself in the mirror, tears came out freely at the side of my eyes.  “I am pregnant.”