Chapter 36

“Jana, I’m really so—”

“Stop,” I quickly halted him and glared at him deeply. “Sawang-sawa na akong puro sorry na lang ’yung maririnig ko sa’yo. Wala na bang iba?” I added, getting immuned to the feelings I often feel ever since I learned about his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy whom he fathered.

Napailing ako ng ulo saka ako tumayo sa harapan ng bintana. “Sa totoo lang, wala naman na akong pakialam kung paano mong nabuntis ’yung babae mo. Naiintidihan ko rin kung concern ka sa bata kaya kada isang tawag lang sa’yo, pumupunta ka kaagad sa kanya,” my voice nearly broke.

“Pero Ellie, ’yung iwanan ako sa harapan ng mga magulang natin sa gano’ng sitwasyon, hindi mo man lang ba naisip kung anong mararamdaman ko?” Hinarap ko siya at hinayaan kong makita niya akong umiiyak at nasasaktan dahil sa mga kalokohan niya.

“Pinalampas ko ’yung araw na iniwan mo kami sa mall na kasama si Rhian para lang mapuntahan si Lara, pero ’yung hayaan akong mag-isa na puno ng pagdududa ang mata ng mga magulang natin ay ibang usapan na Ellie!” My teeth were grinding behind my lips because I was mad at him. I was so mad and hurt.

Mas lalo pa akong nasasaktan kasi siya ’yung nag-suggest ng family dinner sa araw na ’to pero ayon at iniwan niya lamang ako.

While we’re having a family dinner earlier, he left for a while to take some necessities in the comfort room, leaving his phone on the table that almost fell if it wasn’t for his cousin who quickly caught it. Accidentally, a message appeared and Lara sent him a message, indicating the love which is her endearment for him.

Tinanong nila ako kung bakit tinawag na love siya nung nagmessage sa kanya. And again, I lied for his sake. When Ellie came back, the atmosphere became so different especially when his phone rang.

Umalis siya saglit upang sagutin ang tawag. When he came back, he said he needs to go somewhere and I’m not that stupid to not know that that is just his excuse to go to Lara.

Nang maakalis siya, wala akong nagawa kundi ang umiwas sa tingin ng mga magulang namin dahil nababasa ko na ’yung katanungan sa mga mata nila.

I tried to divert the situation but nothing happened. They asked me if Ellie and I have a problem. But instead of I who should answer their question, Jace suddenly spoke and told them that Ellie and I always fight. Nabanggit din nitong naririnig niya raw akong umiiyak kapag gabing wala pa si Ellie.

Habang kumakain sa harapan nilang lahat, grabeng pagpipigil ’yung ginawa ko sa sarili ko para hindi na naman ako umiyak. I thought my son is still innocent to not know anything. Hindi ko alam na naririnig pala ako nitong umiiyak kapag gabi.

They once caught my eyes. Ang dami nilang tinanong sa akin at sobrang bigat sa dibdib na harap-harapan akong nagsisinungaling sa kanila kahit na puno na ng pagdududa ang mga mata nila.

Muli nilang tinanong kung okay lang ba talaga kaming mag-asawa pero pinanindigan ko talaga ’yung pagsisinungaling ko’t sinabing okay lang kami.

The feeling that I lied in front of them is something I cannot imagine I could do just to cover up the real situations I and my husband have. Kasi hindi lang ako sa kanila nagsisinungaling, e. I’m lying to myself too, telling that everything is alright even though it is not.

Matapos kong mailabas ang hinanakit ko, sinubukan muli akong hawakan ni Ellie pero lumayo lang ako sa kanya.

“I don’t know how to answer their questions the moment you left me. They are full of doubts, Ellie. And for me to cover you up, to cover your shits, I did nothing but lie.” Mariin kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko. “Hindi ko gawaing magsinungaling, e, pero ng dahil sa’yo, nagagawa kong magsinungaling sa kanila!” puno ng hinagpis kong saad.

Nagpakawala ako ng hininga, tumingin sa itaas upang pigilan ang aking pag-iyak, saka ko tinuyo ang natitirang luha sa pisngi ko kasabay ng pagsinghot ko.

“Para sa walang kamuwang-muwang na batang hindi pa naipapanganak, pipilitin kitang intindihin. Pero huwag mong hintaying mapagod ako sa kakaintindi sa’yo, Ellie.” Mabilis ko siyang iniwan doon at dumiretso sa kwarto ng anak ko.

I don’t want to be with him tonight because my anger will just intensify if I stay by his side.

Today is the last week of the month and Nanay Corsing and Niña just left. Kaya noong kami na lang ang naiwan, nagmistulang walang tao sa bahay kundi lang sa ingay ni Jace. Sa mga nagdaang araw, hindi pa kami nagkakausap ni Ellie.

He’s doing his work as of the moment pero hinayaan ko lang siya. Aakyat na sana ako sa kwarto nang marinig ko ang doorbell sa gate kaya mabilis akong lumabas.

“Omg, Rhian! Hi! You didn’t inform me na pupunta ka rito,” I opened the gate and welcomed her with a hug.

“I missed you,” she said, “Oh, hey there little boy!” anya nang makita si Jace sa likuran ko. Hindi ko alam na sumunod pala siya sa akin.

Hinawakan ni Jace ang kamay ko’t lumuhod naman si Rhian sa kanya. I told him to go to his Tita Ninang and to kiss her on the left cheek which he gladly obliged.

“Oh, ang sweet namang bata!” Rhian remarked and lightly pinched my son’s cheek.

She carried Jace as we walked inside. Nakipagbeso rin ito kay Ellie nang makita niya ito sa sala habang ako naman ay dumiretso sa kusina upang maghanda ng mimiryendahin namin.

“Ang busy mo naman masyado, Ellie. You’re giving me the vibes of a workaholic Dad.” I heard Rhian say.

“I have to. Natatambakan na kasi ako.” Napangiti na lamang ako nang mapakla. Paanong hindi siya matatambakan kung ’yung oras niya ay halos nakalaan na lamang kay Lara?

I took with me the tray that contained pizza and bread, and the iced tea I made. “Rhian, magmiryenda ka muna.” Inilapag ko ’yon sa mesa. Napatingin naman ako kay Ellie at tahimik na napabuntong hininga. 

“Eat this when you’re done,” I told him. He looked up at me, but I quickly diverted my attention to Rhian.

Dahil gustong maglaro ni Jace sa labas, nagtungo kami sa garden at iniwang mag-isa si Ellie sa sala. Kung anu-ano rin ang pinapansin ni Rhian sa mga halamang nasa garden lalo na ’yung iba’t ibang mga cactus na regalo noon ng magulang ni Ellie sa akin.

Matapos pagmasdan ang halaman sa garden, dumiretso kami sa mesa at naupo roon. Pinasadya kong may net dito banda para kahit maaraw ay hindi gano’n kainit.

“Jace, huwag namang makulit anak. Halika na rito,” tawag ko sa anak ko nang bigla itong tumakbo palayo sa amin.

“I want to play broom broom, Mommy,” he answered, now playing the toy car he brought in the hallway.

I walked in my son’s direction and wiped his sweats. “That’s not broom broom, baby. That’s a car.”

“No, it’s broom broom!” pamimilit niya’t nagtunog sasakyan pa siya.

Napailing na lang ako’t muli kong pinunasan ang pawis niya. “Just play here, okay. Huwag kang aalis.”

When he said yes, I returned to my seat. “Pasensya na. Ang kulit lang kasi talaga niya. Mamayang gabi pa kasi ang dating nila Nanay Corsing kaya walang sumusubaybay sa galaw niya.”

“It’s alright. Mas mabuti nga ‘yung active siya, e.”

“Pero masakit siya sa ulo.” Both of us laughed at that.

“Tatlong taon na ‘yung bata, wala kayong balak sundan?” she suddenly joked, producing soft laughter, and my facial expression changed. “Oy, okay ka lang?” she added when she noticed the sudden changes in my mood. I just answered her with a nod.

“Kayo ni Ellie, kumusta kayo?”

I pursed my lips into a thin line. “Still the same.”

“Still the same? You mean the sweet Jana and Ellie I knew or the Jana and Ellie where there seems to be a gap between you two?” she questioned and ignored her stares, and focused on my eyes on my son instead.

“Jana.” Rhian took my hand so I had no choice but looked back at her, and force a smile, and the moment I did that, tears leaked from my eyes.

Agad kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko gamit ang likod ng aking palad habang pilit na ipinapakita sa kanyang okay lang ako. “Don’t worry, okay pa naman ako,” piyok ang boses kong saad.

Okay pa naman ako at pipilitin kong maging okay ako kahit mahirap... kahit masakit.

Rhian sighed. “Remember what you told me before? Na anong silbi ng pagiging mag-best friend natin kung hindi natin alam ang pinagdadaanan ng isa’t isa? I’m here, Jana. I’m always here. Kung may problema ka, pwede kang magsabi sa akin. Handa akong samahan at damayan ka.”

My eyes glistened with tears again. I tried to smile in front of her and nodded. “Thanks, Rhian, but I can’t tell you yet. When I’m ready, I will tell you everything.”

Because if I tell you everything today, I might break down because the pain is just too heavy to bear and it will take time to put it away.

Our conversation somewhat became dull because of that topic, and when I noticed Ellie on my peripheral vision, walking in our direction, I fixed myself.

“I’ll be going somewhere. I’ll be back at seven tonight,” paalam ni Ellie sa akin na siyang tinanguan ko lang.

He went in Jace’s direction, kissed him, and informed him that he’s going somewhere. Maaring walang nakakaalam kung saan ang lakad niya pero alam ko kung saan na naman ang punta niya.

I just stared at them, hoping that Ellie, having a child with another woman is not real, but the reality is just too painful.

Minsan, nasa puntong nagpapasalamat ako dahil wala pang kaalam-alam ’yung anak ko sa mga nangyayari sa paligid niya pero ang sakit lang isipin na ang bata pa niya pero ganito na kaagad ’yung nararanasan niya.

I was holding on to my glass tightly that it might break if I held onto it longer. Instant Dreamer’s members, Raphael and Clydo, secretly met me and they told me what happened that night of their batch party.

Alam na nila ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ni Lara kaya inimbestigahan nila kung ano talaga ang nangyari dahil maging sila ay hindi makapaniwalang magagawa ’yon ni Ellie sa akin.

They also told me that Ellie was already tipsy when Lara approached him. Hinayaan na lang daw nila ito dahil lasing na rin sila noong time na ’yon at ang akala nila’y aalagaan siya ni Lara. Besides, it was their batch party so they didn’t suspect anything about her.

They left Ellie alone with her and went to some of their classmates to hang out with them, and they don’t know what happened next. Nagulat na lang daw sila nang sabihin ni Ellie sa kanilang buntis si Lara at siya ang ama.

Because they don’t know what happened, they used their connection and they were able to watch the CCTV footage of the place where the party was held. And through that, they learned everything.

Ellie, being drunk, was casually talking to Lara at that time at a table, and when Ellie went somewhere for a while, she put something on his wineglass.

Not wanting to elaborate everything to me, and just the result of Lara’s pregnancy after that night, they concluded that she drugged Ellie.

Is that the reason why Ellie kept telling me that he knew nothing? Kung gano’n, bakit hindi man lang niya inalam kung paanong nabuntis si Lara? Just because Lara’s pregnant with his child, how could he just let it slide? O baka dahil ginusto niya rin ang nangyari?

I smiled bitterly. Ilang taon na ’yung nakalilipas. Masyado bang mahal ni Lara si Ellie para patusin ito kahit na alam niyang may asawa’t anak na ’yung tao?

“Does Ellie already know about it?” I asked. Raphael and Clydo stared at me before they shook their heads.

“Hindi pa alam ni Ellie at hindi namin alam kung paano naming sasabihin sa kanya. Lara’s pregnancy is critical. Alam kong alam mo kung paano magalit si Ellie, Jana. If Ellie learned what she did, baka masaktan niya lang ito’t maging dahilan pa siya para tuluyang mawala ’yung bata sa sinapupunan niya.”

Pagak lamang akong natawa. How could Lara be so idiotic like this? Hindi ba niya naisip ang mga posibleng mangyari dahil sa kalokohan niya? She’s even proud that my husband is the father of the baby she’s carrying. Wala na ba siyang respeto para sa sarili niya?

“Pasensya na dahil hinayaan namin siya kay Lara noong gabing ’yon. Hindi kasi namin alam na may balak pala siya sa kanya,” Clydo sincerely apologized.

I just smiled at them. Wala naman silang kasalanan. Masaya pa nga ako dahil sinabi nila sa akin ’yung nangyari.

Tahimik lamang ako pati noong umuwi ako sa bahay. Matapos lang kumain ay pumanhik na ako  sa kwarto matapos kong patulugin ang bata. I didn’t bother talking to Ellie. Sa totoo lang ay ibang-iba na ’yung relasyon namin sa isa’t-isa, hindi na katulad ng dati.

Bandang alas dyes ng gabi nang lumabas ako sa kwarto at noong pababa ako sa hagdan ay natanaw ko ito sa sala, abala sa trabaho niya.

I just sighed. Hindi naman siya madalas magpuyat dati pero dahil sa mga nangyayari, ngayon ay hindi na healthy ang mga ginagawa niya.

Naaalala ko na naman tuloy ang napag-usapan namin ng ka-banda niya. To be honest, I’m stuck between telling him how Lara got pregnant or shutting up my mouth because I couldn’t bear the consequences Lara might face if Ellie learned everything.

Kasi kahit papaano, bilang isang ina, naroon pa rin ’yung katiting na pag-aalala ko para sa kanya. My best friend lost her child and I don’t want her to experience the same thing if Ellie becomes reckless once he found out what really happened.

I breathed heavily because of this dilemma. Hindi ko rin maiwasang hindi maawa sa sarili ko. Kasi ako itong agrabyado pero kapakanan pa rin ng ibang tao ang iniisip ko. I’m not a soft kind of person but a life being on the line makes me softer than I could not even imagine.

Katulad nung mga araw kung kailan ko nabasa ang mensahe ni Lara kay Ellie tungkol sa pagbubuntis niya, itinuon ko ulit ang oras ko sa trabaho ko. It was such a hell because of lots of paperwork to do, yet I prefer this than dwell my mind with unnecessary thoughts.

The sun’s rays are intense and it hits against my skin differently, yet I went to the nearest bakeshop. I ordered something to drink and eat, and stayed there alone. Maybe sweets could ease my mind even just in the meantime.

But that thought would definitely not happen because a customer came in and my blood boiled in extreme annoyance. When my eyes switched to her bump, it chilled me a bit, letting me control my emotion.

Ayaw ko na sana siyang bigyan ng pansin dahil gusto ko lang maging tahimik ang paligid ko pero hindi ko alam kung sinasadya ba nito’t talagang hinarang pa ako noong plano ko ng umalis.

“Hey, Jana. I didn’t know you are here.”

“Ano ngayon sa’yo kung nandito ako?” my brows raised, though I didn’t look at her anymore.

“I was just surprised. Matagal din kasi ’yung huli nating pagkikita. Was it in the mall?” tila nag-iisip pa ito, “Or in front of the hospital where you picked up my ultrasound—” nakangiti’t nang-iinis itong napangiti sa akin at alam kong sinadya niyang hindi ituloy ang balak niya na sanang sabihin.

“Nakakakapal ba ng mukha ang pagiging buntis mo?” prangka kong tanong nang harapin ko siya.

“What?” she was taken aback by what I asked. “I was just thinking when was the last time we saw each other. Anong masama roon?”

“Talaga bang tinatanong mo sa akin ’yan?” I looked deeply at her. “Ang masama roon, alam mo ng may asawa’t anak ’yung tao pero nagpabuntis ka pa rin sa kanya!”

“Pareho naming ginusto ’yon.” Natawa na lamang ako dahil sa sinabi niya. “We still love each other and I know you already knew—”

“Yes, I already knew that you took advantage of my husband’s drunkenness without him even knowing until now. Anong pakiramdam? Masaya ba? Masarap ba ha, Lara?” I shouted right through her face. At gulat siyang napatingin sa akin dahil sa isiniwalat ko.

“What? Are you that shocked that I know everything? Do you think you could hide that from me? Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko malalaman na noong panahong lasing ang asawa ko, pinagsamantalahan mo siya?” I thundered and it shuddered her on her spot.

Her eyes sparkled in tears, pero ni katiting na awa ay wala akong maramdaman para sa kanya. I was at the peak of my outrage right now and if not voicing it out, I might do something that will absolutely harm her.

“Sorry—”

“Nakakadiri ka, Lara! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan na hindi ka na mahal ni Ellie?” malakas kong sigaw sa kanya’t wala akong pakialam kung pinagtitinginan na kami ng ibang customers ngayon.

“Hindi mo man lang ba inisip na may asawa’t anak na ’yung tao? Tapos gano’n ’yung gagawin mo? God, Lara! Babae ka! How could you take advantage of his drunkenness? Of his state? Masyado ka bang uhaw sa lalaki para patulan siya kahit alam mong may pamilya na siya?”

Just by mentioning the family, my eyes poured endless tears on my face. Because of her idiocy, unti-unting nasisira ’yung pamilyang bumuo sa pagkatao ko, ’yung pamilyang pinahahalagahan ko.

She sobbed in front of me. “Hindi ko naman alam na magbubunga—”

“Tanginang dahilan ’yan, Lara! Hindi sapat na dahilan ’yon para makipagsiping sa kanya! Ikaw ’yung nasa tamang pag-iisip noon. Sana naman ginamit mo ’yung utak mo!” my fingers balled into a fist and I’m just controlling myself so hard. Natatakot kasi akong baka makalimutan kong buntis siya’t kung anong magawa ko sa kanya.

“Sorry... Sorry...” hagulgol nito.

Marahas kong tinuyo ang luha ko’t nagngingitngit sa galit na hinarap ko siya. “Kapag naipanganak mo ’yan at nagkaisip na, ano na lang ang sasabihin mo kapag hinanap niya ang ama niya? Na nandoon siya sa tunay niyang pamilya? Gano’n ba ’yung gusto mong mangyari, ha?” my voice was full of resentment as I throw her the possibilities her child may face in the future.

I couldn’t even get to pity her while she’s crying in front of me. If not for the child on her tummy, I should have strangled her right now.

“Hindi mo man lang ba naisip ang posibilidad kapag lumaki ’yan? O inisip mo lang ’yung isang gabing masasarapan ka habang pinagsasamantalahan mo ’yung lasing kong asawa?”

I aggressively rummaged my hair. “Tangina, Lara! Topnotcher ka, hindi ba? Pero bakit ang bobo bobo mo?” I was so mad that I was not able to control myself and pushed her.

“Jana!” I heard Ellie’s voice and he quickly helped Lara to get up.

Napapunas na lang ako ng luha habang nakikita ko kung paano siyang nag-aalala para sa babaeng kinumumuhian ko ngayon, samantalang ako na asawa niya, heto’t nasasaktan dahil sa kagaguhan niya.

“I know you’re mad, but you don’t have to push her! I don’t fucking know what happened, but the child she’s carrying is still mine!” For the first time in a while, I saw how Ellie gritted his teeth because of his anger towards me. “God damn it, Jana! Don’t fucking stress her!”

“Putanginang stress ’yan!” singhal ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam pero tawa at iyak na lamang ang ginagawa ko habang tinitignan ko silang dalawa.

Luhaang napapailing ako saka siya tinignan nang diretso sa kanyang mata. “Ellie, isa ka pa, e! Pareho kayong matalino pero napakabobo niyo!”

I left them there with tears continuously running down my cheeks, and I felt like someone is there again to pinch my chest.

Ganito na lang ba lagi ang gagawin ko? Kundi ang intidihin sila’y iiyak sa sakit na dulot nila? Kailan ba ako magtitiis sa sakit na ’to? Tanginang buhay naman ’to. Hindi ganito ’yung buhay na pinangarap ko.