Chapter 2

I woke up around 7 in the morning and immediately opened my phone. Nag-stay na lang muna ako sa kama tutal ay 9 pa naman ang klase ko mamaya. While browsing my social media account, as my messenger chat head was on, Benedict’s message appeared, greeting me his good morning and he sent that at exactly 6:04. I just reacted it with a heart without replying to him back.

“Sila Mama, umalis na?” tanong ko kay Papa dahil noong makababa ako ay siya na lang ang naabutan ko.

“Umalis na siya kasama sina Jaden at Jennica, kanina pa,” sagot nito at napatango naman ako.

Jaden was the youngest among us. Jennica is in the middle and I was the eldest. Si Mama ay isang university professor sa pribadong pamantasan samantalang si Papa naman ay mayor dito sa municipality namin.

“Ingat ka, Papa,” kumaway na lamang ako sa kanya nang makababa ako sa tapat ng school namin bago nito pinaandar paalis ’yung kotse.

Sa tuwing pumupunta kasi ito sa muninsipyo ay madadaanan lang namin ’yung school namin kaya madalas niya akong ihatid. Sina Mama, Jennica at Jaden naman ang laging magkasama dahil doon din sila nag-aaral sa kung saan nagtatrabaho sa Mama.

Pagkapasok ko sa room ay saktong nandoon na si Rhian kaya tumabi ako sa kanya.

“Baka magpapa-surprise quiz daw si Ma’am. Scan mo na notes mo dali,” anya sa akin at nang libutin ko ng tingin ang classroom namin ay pansin kong maging ang mga kaklase namin ay nagrereview na rin.

“Paano niyo nalaman?” tanong ko, kasalukuyan ng hinahanap ’yung notebook ko.

“Nagpa-quiz daw siya kahapon sa ibang block. Malay mo gawin niya sa atin mamaya, at least ready tayo.”

Sa halip na usisain pa ito’y binasa ko na lang din ’yung mga nasulat ko. At noong pumasok nga ang prof namin ay nagbigay ito ng 15-item quiz sa amin. Masaya naman kami sa resulta dahil pasado kaming lahat. Paano bang magiging surprise quiz iyon e alam na naming magpapa-quiz siya sa amin?

Our break time approached around 10 in the morning. Rhian and I just bought some snacks and went back to our room to eat them there. Pagkabalik namin ay nakita naming umiiyak si Dara.

“What happened?” pag-uusisa ni Rhian.

“Nakita niya raw na may ibang ka-text ang boyfriend niya, so she assumed that he’s flirting with someone,” Arielle explained, and Dara kept crying.

Napailing ako. Boys nowadays. Hindi marunong makuntento.

“Buti pa ’tong si Jana, masyadong loyal ang boyfriend niya.” Hearing that made me fake a smile.

Loyal? I shook my head. If they just only knew that what Benedict did is worse than what Dara’s boyfriend did, they wouldn’t say that thing. Kung ’yung boyfriend ni Dara, may ka-text na iba, ’yung boyfriend ko may kahalikang iba. Gano’n ba ’yung loyal?

Noong uwian na namin ay hindi na ako nagulat nang sunduin ako ni Benedict sa school. Magkaiba kasi kami ng pamantasang pinapasukan pero kapag may oras ito ay sinusundo niya ako.

Rhian gave me a worried look, but I smiled at her, telling her that I am fine.

“Let’s go.” I was now sitting beside him while he’s driving the car. “Mall tayo?” pansin ko ang saglit nitong paglingon sa akin saka ibinalik ulit ang tingin sa daan.

“Ikaw bahala,” tipid kong sagot.

Sa Starbucks kami nito dumiretso pagkarating namin sa mall. Benedict went in front to make some orders while I was left alone at our table. Nakatitig lamang ako sa likuran niya habang kasalukuyan siyang nag-oorder, ngunit nalipat ang tingin ko nang tumunog ang phone nitong iniwan niyang nakapatong sa mesa. A sender with only an ‘A’ name popped up.

Hindi naman issue sa aming dalawa na kalkalin ang phone ng isa’t isa kaya binuksan ko iyon pero napakunot-noo ako nang hindi tumugma ’yung pincode na inilagay ko. Since when did he change his pincode?

“What’s up?” he asked me before he sat down. I even saw how he stared at my hand holding his phone.

“Someone messaged. I tried to open it, but the pincode was incorrect. Nagpalit ka pala ng pincode mo?” usal ko sa kanya at iniabot na ’yon sa kanya.

When he caught me looking at him, he instantly diverted his eyes to the phone. “Kahapon lang. Nilalaro kasi ni Enzo ’yung phone ko kaya pinalitan ko ’yung pincode. Baka maadik, e. Sisihin pa ako ni Daddy.”

“Kasi ini-impluwensiya mo si Enzo sa mga online games, e,” pagbibiro ko ngunit ang bigat no’n sa dibdib ko. He’s using his brother again.

I stared at him as he typed something, maybe to reply to whoever messaged him. It’s so funny that he’s hiding something which I have already found out weeks ago. Sige lang, Benedict. Ipagpatuloy mo lang ’yung pagsisinungaling mo sa akin.

When our orders arrived, I put my attention to them. Kung minsan ay nakatingin na lamang ako sa labas. Mas maigi pang sa ibang direksyon ako nakatingin kaysa sa mga mata nitong nagtatago ng puro kasinungalingan sa akin.

A week passed again and having without class this morning because our professor attended a meeting, I stayed in Rhian’s condo. Pagkatapos naming kumain, tumambay kami nito sa kwarto niya. Kaso ay ramdam ko ang pagiging tahimik niya samantalang kanina naman ay hindi siya nauubusan ng mga kinukwento.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked her when I noticed her being this silent. Subalit ay sinamaan niya lamang ako ng tingin.

“Ask that to yourself kaya,” maldita niyang saad.

Napangiti naman ako nang mapait. “Ano sa tingin mo? Okay lang ba ako?” I softly chuckled because we did nothing but exchange questions instead of answering our queries to each other. “Kasi kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi ako okay.” My voice broke and I quickly looked away.

Rhian already knew what I’ve been through these past few weeks. Pati ’yung umuwi noon si Benedict at dumiretso sa bahay, ’yung pagpunta namin sa Starbucks, at maging ’yung tungkol sa nagtext sa kanya ay nakwento ko na sa kanya lahat-lahat. Sa kanya lang kasi ako nakakapagsabi ng totoong nararamdaman ko.

Although I wanted to open this to my parents, I’m afraid of what could their reactions be. Masyado nilang pinagkatiwalaan si Benedict tapos ganito lang pala ’yung gagawin niya sa akin. Ayokong makita ’yung disappointment sa mga mata nila. Natatakot din ako sa kung anong gawin ni Papa sa kanya.

“Gustung-gusto ko na siyang kausapin pero hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan. I’m just afraid that if ever I hear his reasons, lalambot lang ulit ako’t hahayaan na naman siyang kontrolin ang damdamin ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung bibigyan ko ba siya ng chance ‘pag nagkataon. Mahal ko siya at natatakot ako, Rhian. Sobrang natatakot ako.” Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko gamit ang dalawa kong kamay kasabay ng paghagulgol ko sa harapan niya.

Rhian went near me and hugged me. “I know you’re seeking answers for questions that are kept at the back of your head. So it’s better if you open this issue to him because you’ll get hurt more if you keep it yourself. I understand if you’re afraid but you have to be brave, Jana. Once you hear his reasons, then weigh it yourself. The decision is yours to make, whether you give him a chance or not.” Hinawakan ako nito sa pisngi at pilit akong pinangingiti. “Nandito lang ako for you. Kung nahihirapan ka, magsabi ka lang sa akin.”

I nodded at her and her words truly calmed me especially when she hugged me.

A week after, Benedict asked me to go out for a date. Without thinking twice, I agreed. Now that I was sitting in front of my vanity mirror, I kept cheering myself to be strong. I decided that before this day ends, I could be able to open this cheating issue to him.

Rhian is right. Kailangan naming pag-usapan ang problemang ’to dahil ako lang ’yung masasaktan kung hahayaan ko lang ang lahat. I love Benedict, but I love myself too, and I won’t let myself get drowned in the kind of love when I know that my partner is already cheating on me.

Picking me up in our house, Benedict brought me to our favorite restaurant. After dining in there, we just walked hand in hand. Hinayaan ko munang maging masaya habang kasama ko siya. I brushed the problem off my mind and allowed myself to enjoy this moment with him.

We went to the park and enjoyed the fresh atmosphere it gives to us. Benedict and I kept walking, me being the first and he was just at my back, following me.

I continued walking and after building enough courage for myself, I threw him the question that I really wanted to ask him. “Benedict, you love me right?” That’s when I stopped and faced him.

“Yes, of course,” mabilis nitong sagot.

“But why did you cheat on me?” I added, stopping from the exact spot where I saw him kissing some other girl.

“What are you talking about?” naguguluhan nitong tanong.

Pinagsalikop ko ang mga kamay ko na parang doon ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob. “You told me you’re playing with Enzo the day when we had our group work in this park. But I saw you with some other girl... right here in this spot,” I managed to say.

I saw him gulp hard. Tila nahihirapan kung paanong sasagutin ang tanong ko. “That... that was just a dare,” anya at napangiti na lamang ako nang mapait saka umiling.

“But that didn’t seem a dare to me because you kissed her back, Ben. I saw how you kissed her back. Tell me, was that still part of the dare?” saad ko sa kalmado at mahinang paraan, kinokontrol ang sariling huwag siyang sigawan.

Kahit na gusto kong itago sa kanya na nasasaktan ako, agad akong tinraydor ng mga luha ko kaya hinayaan ko na lang na umiyak sa harapan niya.

“It’s just that...” Napapikit ito ng mata at hirap na hirap siyang ipaliwang kung anong nakita ko. “Mahal, promise, dare lang ’yon. My friend pushed me to join their game so I had no choice but to do it. Jana, mahal, dare lang iyon.” Sinubukan nitong hawakan ang kamay ko pero umatras ako palayo sa kanya.

“Dare,” pagak akong natawa. “Was it fun doing that dare knowing that you have a girlfriend?” I asked in a controllable tone yet my teeth were already gritted.

“Angelique is just my friend.” I sneered this time. So that A sender stands for that name. “I don’t know how much do you know, but those were just part of the dare—”

“Then how dare you hurt me because of that fucking dare?” My voice rose that I yelled at him. “May girlfriend ka, Benedict, at ako ’yon! Hindi mo man lang ba naisip kung anong mararamdaman ko?” Tears already pooled in my eyes.

He kept saying that it was just a dare, making my hatred towards him increase. It increased to the point that my heart was already closed to hearing his senseless reason.

“You’re clearly cheating behind my back, yet you still deny things when you were already caught. Goodness, Benedict! Hindi ako tanga para maniwala sa dahilan mong ’yan!” sigaw ko sa kanya.

“Kailan pa, ha? Kailan pa nagsimula ’tong panloloko mo sa akin?” Pilit niya akong pinapakalma pero nasa punto akong gusto ko lang ilabas lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya. “Paano kapag hindi ko ’yon nakita? Hanggang kailan mo ako balak lokohin?” mas lalo akong naiyak sa sarili kong tanong.

When Benedict got the chance, he wrapped me so tight that he doesn’t want to let me go. “Mahal, pakinggan mo ako please. I can explain everything,” mahina niyang saad sa akin. “Ja, you know how much I love you.”

My cries got louder after hearing what he said. That words were my solace before, but I didn’t know hearing those words from him is something that could slowly tear my heart apart.

“And you know that I love you too, right?” my voice was too soft that it could barely be heard. “Let’s break up, Benedict,” pinal kong saad. I’m done weighing his reasons, and I can’t let him fool me again.

“No, no, please. I won’t let you go. Jana, don’t do this to me, please. Mahal, hindi ko kaya kapag wala ka,” usal niya sa nagmamakaawang tono. Umiiyak na rin siya pero ayaw ko nang maniwala pa sa kanya.

Mabilis akong lumayo sa kanya dahil mas nananaig ngayon ’yung pagkadisgusto ko sa kanya. “Does it hurt?” tanong ko, puno ng hinanakit. “Sana ganyan din ang naisip mo bago mo ako niloko.”

Meeting his gaze that once became my comfort, I wiped my tears away. “Let’s end everything here,” ani ko, handa ng tapusin kung anuman ang mayroon sa amin, sa lugar mismo kung saan niya ako niloko.

“I’m such a fool for letting you waste almost two years of my life,” saka ako nasasaktang tumakbo palayo sa kanya.

Tumigil lamang ako nang makarating ako sa gilid ng park at napasandal na lamang doon sa pader. Lahat ng lakas na inipon ko para ilabas ang mga hinanakit ko ay tila nawala. Ang sakit lang kasi na gano’n ’yung maririnig kong idadahilan niya. Sa tingin ba niya ang babaw ko para paniwalaan siya? Seriously, dare? Then how dare him do that to me? Kung ayaw na niya sa akin, e di sana nakipaghiwalay na lang siya hindi ’yung lolokohin pa niya ako ng ganito.

“You’re fond of crying, aren’t you?” Agad akong napalingon sa nagsalitang ’yon at nakita siyang nakasandal din sa pader hindi kalayuan sa akin. Sa tabi naman niya ay may isang bisikleta.

Bakit ba sa dinami-rami ng tao, siya na naman ulit ang makikita ko? At bakit sa tuwing magkikita kami ay umiiyak ako?

“Masama bang umiyak?” sinamaan ko ito ng tingin pero pinakatitigan niya lamang ako. “Bakit ka nandito? Chismosa ka ba o ano?” Noong una kasi ay nandoon siya no’ng nakita kong niloloko ako ni Ben, tapos ngayon namang nakipaghiwalay na ako sa kanya, nandito ulit siya.

This guy just shook his head. “I’ve been here for twenty minutes already before you came and suddenly cried like a baby. It’s not my fault if I always caught you crying.”

Dala ang bike niya ay sumakay siya roon. Minaniobra niya ’yon at saglit siyang huminto nang nasa tapat ko na siya mismo. “You haven’t given back my handkerchief, yet you’re crying again. I hope you could smile the next time we see each other,” saad nito bago tuluyang pinaandar ’yung bisikleta palayo sa akin.