XXVIII | May I?
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PREVIOUSLY...
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Lilja and Suri had left for Wymler, leaving Azura and Ari behind. Azura was distressed, questioning whether the sygil on her wrist that showed her if Suri were alive or not would actually work. But then Palmira made a crushing revelation; Suri had perished on her journey to Wymler, forcing Lilja to continue on to the walled city alone. Azura vowed to watch the Empire burn and finally revealed to Ari that she was in the Order only to assassinate the emperor.
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Ari stares at me, a crease forming between his dark brows, seemingly trying to understand my words. They're out now, I can't take them back even if I wanted to, but it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The words continue spilling forth, "Palmira only took me in because she wants me to assassinate Emperor Ulric. I refused recently, but now..." I look down at my bag. "I'm going to the Empire. I know I won't survive, but if I do then I'm leaving."
"When were you going to tell me any of this?" he demands, an edge of anger to his tone.
"The moment I learnt that you're a prince, I wasn't going to tell you."
He gapes at me as I meet his gaze. "Why?"
"Because I didn't want to involve you. Because you need to unite your people, and you can't do that being hunted by the Empire beside me."
Ari turns away with a low growl in his throat, reminding me of the wolf that lurks just beneath his skin. "That's not your choice to make."
"Well, I made it." I let out a sigh, my anger fading, my sorrow dulling to a deep ache. It's then I realise how tired I am and I rub my grainy eyes.
Ari has a duty to keep and I won't stand in the way of that. I won't see him dragged into my mess, even if I have to turn my back on him to do that. I won't stand in the way of his duty because of my selfish fears of being alone. I can't do that to him, can't make him decide between his people and me. Because it will never be me, it can never be me. I won't let it.
"I'm sorry, Ari."
"I care about you, you know?" he blurts out, facing me again, sparks of pain igniting in his eyes. "I don't know what it is about you, but I care about you. Don't do this."
"I have to."
Ari approaches me and cradles my hands in his. "No, you don't. We can leave, go to Wymler, see if what Palmira claims is true."
"She has no reason to lie."
Ari narrows his eyes. "She has every reason to lie."
"Ari, not this again." I try to pull away from him but he holds fast.
"I'll find the evidence I need, I'll prove to you that Palmira is lying. If I can do that, will you leave with me?"
"I can't," I hiss, willing him to understand that I have to do this. It was always going to be the path I took, ever since Dax died before my eyes and I vowed to avenge him. Now I have two names I need to etch from this world and they're both in the Empire.
Ari closes his eyes, defeat in the slump of his shoulders. "She's using you."
"That's what every powerful leader does; they use their resources."
"You're more than a resource."
"And you're more than my ally," I whisper the words as I pull my hands from his and cup his jaw, my leather gloves stark against his pale skin. He leans into my touch and his warm breath feathers against my wrist.
"Let me help you, Azura," he murmurs and I smile as he opens his eyes.
"I can't do that to you, wolfboy."
"But you would do it to yourself?"
I lean forward and press my forehead against his, the warm touch of his skin against mine calming the chaotic and jagged pieces within me. "You're going to live, Ari," I whisper, my voice cracking. "You won't die alongside me. This world doesn't need another tragic love story. It needs people to inspire hope, to lead where no one else will."
We weren't born for happiness. We weren't born as just a boy and a girl in a world where happiness is felt more than terror. We were born to fight and bleed, we were born to kill or to die. There's nothing we can do to change that. It's just the way things are.
Ari pulls back to gaze at me, a mixture of emotions shining in his eyes. "Then..." he chews on his lip before reaching into his pocket, "I want you to have this." He pulls out a necklace. An orange stone dangles from the leather cord, shaped like a teardrop. The stone seems to shimmer like fire, hues of different shades of orange and red swirling within it. "The stone is found in Daraso." Both of us watch the small stone that is no bigger than my thumbnail. "I want to go there one day, free the slaves that the Empire keeps in their mines." He offers me the necklace and I take it in a cupped palm.
"Blaze rock," I murmur. It's rare. Beyond rare, only found in the hottest parts of the Daraso desert. "Where did you get this? It must have cost you a fortune."
"It cost me nothing," he says with a sad smile. "It was my mother's, a reminder to her all that there is still to accomplish in this world. She wanted to save so many people but she... never got the chance."
"Ari, I can't take this," I say and offer him the necklace again with a shake of my head. "She would've wanted you to have it."
"No, you need it more than I do."
I meet his gaze, eyes that draw me in, that steal the breath from my lungs.
"You need to remember the good that you can accomplish with the power gifted to you. It doesn't have to be a burden, you don't have to fear it."
"You're talking about the fire," I murmur and he nods. I smile at him even when I feel something inside me break because I finally see. I see the person he wants me to be. A hero, a beacon of hope, someone to light the way alongside him. But I can never be that, there are too many nightmares within me to give hope to others when often I feel none myself.
Ari, the boy that always has a smile to share, sees me as someone who I can never be and that ruins me more than I ever thought it could.
"Thank you." I manage to force the words from my lips even though they nearly choke me.
"Here." He takes the necklace and drapes it around my neck to tie it. I look down where it seems to glow against my dark clothing. Ari's fingers touch the stone and it clearly carries a piece of his heart. But then his fingers move to touch the scar at my throat.
My breath hitches with the caress of his fingertips against such savage memories and I grab his hand, stopping his touch as I look into his eyes. But I find no malice there, no ill-intent. Just a question. May I? May I see more of you?
No one knows me, not really. I don't even know myself. But perhaps...
I draw his hand closer and place his palm against the scar in answer to the question in his gaze. Then I reach up, pressing my hand against the back of his neck to draw him closer to me. He obliges and my eyes flutter closed as I brush my lips against his. The kiss is fleeting, one he sighs into, nothing like the fiery burn of our kiss in the garden.
I pull back a moment later to see his eyes, to watch the emotions that flit across his gaze as he looks at me, entranced by them.
I may die soon. I might not walk out of that Empire. And with such a thought lodged in my head, I drag him to me again, but this time the kiss is hungry, bordering on desperate. I take from him what he gives like I'm starved. And perhaps I am. Starved of affection, of passion, of something other than pain and misery and I'm desperate to feel something more.
It's selfish of me to reach for more with the heartache that claws a void in my chest.
His arms encircle my waist and I've never felt safer. I run my tongue along his lower lip and he opens for me, angling his head to deepen the kiss. The taste of him is intoxicating and heady, sweet wine lingering on his tongue. I moan into his mouth, clawing for more, but Ari pulls back, taking an uneven breath.
He presses his forehead to mine, the tip of his nose rubbing against mine as he sighs. "You're not going to stay, are you?"
"Was this you trying to convince me?" I ask, amusement in my tone, but my smile fades as I lean back to see the flicker of pain in his gaze.
"I just found you, I don't want to lose you."
"I don't die so easily, remember?"
The words don't reassure him, they just make him tighten his arms around me. But I have to do this and nothing will convince me otherwise.
"If I don't come back—" I start but he shakes his head.
"Don't say it."
I rest my cheek against his chest, listening to the reassuring thud of his heart. "If I don't come back, you need to leave. Don't wait for me. Everything will change if I succeed and it won't be safe here."
His silence is my only answer, but he keeps his arms around me and doesn't let go.
"Promise me, Ari," I say, looking up at him with pleading eyes. "Promise me you'll leave this place, forget about Palmira and her schemes, forget about me."
He opens his mouth but closes it again. I fist my hands in his shirt, willing him to utter the words. Eventually he nods and brushes his lips against my forehead. "I could never forget about you but... I promise."
I settle my cheek against his chest again, allowing his strength, his courage, his fortitude to seep into me, knowing I'll need it. "Thank you."
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