Sometimes I wonder why I even do these things. Waking up at six every morning makes me want to cry. Getting ready every morning exhausts me and it's not even that hard to do. Sometimes I wanted nothing more than to simply break down and sit in my shower for half an hour or longer.

       With a heavy sigh, I looked myself over in the mirror once again. I would probably have to find an excuse to have Anthony adjust my uniform once again.

       Maybe if you stopped making excuses and just told people already...

        I shook my head, adjusting my ponytail and aligning the medals. It would take a while before I would admit that I was carrying Rick's child to anybody else. It was simply too hard for me to do. 

        To outright say that I'm carrying his child would mean I'd have to admit to everything having actually happened, and I didn't want to do that. I couldn't. That would mean I'd have to admit to momentarily falling for a man I knew I couldn't trust. I would have to admit that he had me fooled for a while there, that he'd managed to convince me he could be something more than uncaring.

       I would have to admit he fooled me, with caring for me after everything, with showing me what it meant to feel loved, even if he did just take me and tell me love wasn't real almost immediately after. I would have to admit that I had been stupid enough to fall for his tricks, to fall into the stupid trap he laid out.

       I would have to admit that I almost slipped and fell into the trap again. He played a really convincing part, even now, with the way he argued slightly after the hospital visit. With the way he'd walked behind me down the stairs as though waiting in case I fell. I'd almost believed he was hurt, the night I came back here to work. But that was weeks ago, and I could remember, now that he wasn't here to mess with me, that that was exactly what Rick did. You could go out and spend $300 on a guy and watch him blow up in your face. You could go have fun with him and watch as he argued with you not long after. Watch him save you, then hear him say how he was entitled to hate you because he assumed you had lied. 
       Rick was the liar, anyway.

       Rick would never care. No matter what, not even with the knowledge that he was a father again. He just didn't have a caring bone in his body. Sure, he could convincingly play the part, but that's all it was.

         He was an actor.