- ALEXANDERS POV -
Today's the day. Thomas found out I had started cutting again, so in less than half an hour, we'll be back in Doctor Soo's office, just like a few years ago.

It had been 2 years since I had seen my therapist. I wonder if she'll recognize me.

"Babe, we gotta go!" Thomas calls from the doorway. We live further away from the office now, so we have to drive. I grab Philip up out of his play area in the corner of the living room, and take him outside to the waiting car. I strap him in his car seat and make sure he's all settled before climbing in the drivers seat. Thomas tosses me the keys and I kiss him on the cheek when he gets in the car.

The drive is about 15 minutes and when we arrive there, Dr. Soo is already waiting by the front desk. She gasps when she sees us.

"Alex! Thomas! You guys look great! And who's this little guy!" She asks, embracing us and beaming. I know it isn't an act; we saw Phillipa Soo for many years before I got "better". Now here we are, all over again. I liked Dr. Soo, don't get me wrong, but just being here again made me more anxious than I enjoyed.

"This is Philip. Our son." Thomas says, smiling just as bright. I have a small grin on my face. Forced, but it's there.

"Alex, it's been a while since I've seen you, but I still know that smile is fake. Let's go to the back room, ok?" She asks. I follow her, holding Thomas's hand tight. God, I have memories here. Good and bad.

We walk into the never changing room and sit in the seats we always have, the only change being Philip on my lap. We decided I would hold him during therapy so I could calm down. I found that running my fingers through his curly hair calms me down.

"So, Alex. I would say it's good to see you, but under circumstances where you have to be seen in a therapist room, I can't say it's a good thing." She smiles at me sadly as she says this, and I start pulling very gently on a few of Pips curls, so they tighten, then spring back up. Dr. Soo asks me if I can tell her what's going on. I quietly respond with,

"A few weeks after Philips birth, I felt so sad. It wasn't like fatherly postpartum depression, because I didn't regret our choice for having a baby and I was ok with the path we chose. I just... I felt alone. I suddenly just didn't want to live anymore, even though I had so many people to do so for. So I cut. It was my only escape. I did it... twice a day maybe? Usually when I went to the bathroom I would cut after." Thomas's hand is shaking a little by the end of it. I can tell he's upset that I didn't tell him anything. Not mad, just disappointed. But that's what I do.

Disappoint everyone.

Maybe I should just die. It would be so much easier. Philip... I love him, and if any harm or sadness came to him I would die. But he doesn't deserve such a terrible father like me. Thomas, I love him too, more than anything in this shitty world, but he doesn't need me to be a burden anymore. It would be so easy...

I'm snapped out of my thoughts and planning when Dr. Soo touches my shoulder. I flinch and look up at her. Her eyes are fearful.

"Alexander, did you really mean all that?" In confused. Then I see Thomas crying a little. Shit. I said my whole suicide speech out loud. I kiss Thomas's hand and he flinches just as I did. I look at him apologetically, then he squeezes me tight into a hug. I nod into his shoulder and cry a little, for the second time in 2 days. Great.

"Alexander, your medication is going to have to be upped to a higher dosage and you'll have to start coming back once a week on Thursdays at 4, alright? And Thomas, can I speak to you in the hall for a moment?" I understand everything about the meds and meetings, but I'm confused on why Thomas has to go in the hallway. I'm even more discombobulated when he agrees and walks out with her. Well, at least I'm not alone, since I'm with Philip. Oddly, this doesn't happen a lot, just me and my son. I kiss his cheek and he giggles. I smile as tears blur my vision.

"I'm sorry, Philip. I'm sorry I wanted to leave you. I'm sorry I'm not the happy father you want me to be. I'm sorry you have such a great dad like Thomas and a depressed, suicidal one for the other. I love you, Pip." The tears are slow and hot this time, burning on my face. I cry the tiniest bit harder when Philip moves and reaches his hand up and swipes my cheeks, probably trying to get the tears to go away. What did I do to deserve such a fantastic baby? God.

A few minutes later, Thomas and Dr. Soo walk back in, just as I wipe away the last of my tears, father myself and situate Philip.

"So, Alex, I'll be seeing you next week, and please, if you ever feel this way again if you have to stop taking your medications, tell someone immediately. You deserve to be alive. You have such a great life ahead of you. Don't throw it away." She pulls me into a hug and I thank her, throat tight with sadness because I made more than one person sad.

Thomas carries Philip to the car and I ask if I can sit in the back with him. I want to see my baby and I'm tired and want some room to sleep.

"Why do you wanna sit in the back?" He asks, face scrunched in confusion.

"Philip and tired." I say, suddenly not in the mood for talking for some reason. He nods and kisses my forehead, then sets Pip in his car seat.

As soon as the car turns on, I'm almost asleep. For some reason, the movement of a turned on car was so relaxing to me, and I loved it. I leaned back and rested my head against the window and fell into a fast, dreamless sleep.

- MARIAS POV -
*this takes place while Alex and Thomas are at therapy, just so y'all know*

I'm concerned.

Alex and Thomas are going somewhere, taking baby Pip with them. And nobody looks excited.

It's about 11 am, and I just woke up. I heard the car start. I wake up to the love of my life, Eliza Schuyler, sitting in the gray loveseat in the corner of our room, curled up and reading a book in a light blue robe.

"Hey, love." She says, glancing away from her book with a small smile playing at her lips.

"Hey baby." I say, my voice tainted with sleep. I run my eyes and roll out of bed, wearing my favorite red bed shorts and black tank top. I stumble to the chair and kiss Eliza's cheek. She blushes, like every other time I do that. I grin when she gets flustered, then take her hand and walk to the kitchen. It's supposed to be Thomas's day for the meals. I check the fridge and find blueberry pancakes, with a note on them.

Liza and Mar,
We aren't here, but I made breakfast. Philip got a bottle already, don't worry. There's orange juice in the fridge outside, in case you were wondering. Oh, and E, tell Maria what's going on. I already asked Alex about it, he said that you could tell her.
Love you,
Thomas :)

I laugh a little at his silly ending, then it all hits me. Something is wrong. Thomas and Alex are always here in the morning, since they work from home until 12. And they were leaving for something. What's up? Eliza knows. I walk to the kitchen table with the plate of still warm pancakes and set them down. Eliza smiles up at me, and instead of smiling back, I say,

"What's up with 'Lex? The note on the pancakes said he wanted you to tell me something?" She goes a little pale at the mention of Alex. Oh God, what happened?

"Mar, baby, sit down. Please, it's sort of shocking. It was for Thomas and I, at least." I sit on the bench next to her and she sighs. What is going on?

"You see, last night Thomas caught Alex coming out of the bathroom... he had been cutting again. After not taking the meds for a few months it finally caught up to him and he didn't want to "burden" us, so he's going to therapy today and getting new meds." She explains. I gasp. No. Alex was fine! For years!

"No." I breath. She nods in confirmation. This man is like my brother! We've known each other since we were children! I can't do this. Tears are welling up in my eyes.

"Maria, is it ok if I tell you something else? It will probably make you more sad, though." She says, looking sad as well.

I shake my head and swallow.

"No, tell me. I need to know everything about this." She nods and continues.

"I walked in on Alex sobbing into Thomas's chest. I heard him muttering, and I don't know if Thomas heard it or not, he may not have, but Alex was saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you can do better than me, just let me die," over and over and over again, really fast and very quiet. That's why I had you make some of his favorite food for dinner. To try and cheer him up." She spills out. This time, the tears come pouring out of my eyes. I lay my head on the cold wood of the table. The table Alex picked out.

God, Maria, he isn't dead. I think to myself. But he could have been.

Eliza rubs at my back and tells me he's ok, he'll get better. I want to believe it, but we've been through this all with Alex before. I don't want him to fall back into it in a few years time and attempt for the 4th? 5th time? I couldn't handle it if he did. Suddenly, the rubbing stops.

"Mar, they're back. We need to be strong for Alex, ok?" She says. I pull my head off the table and look at the the clock. 11:45. They left just before 11. That wasn't very long. I hear the door click open quietly and Thomas walks in, holding Philip. He holds up a finger telling us to wait a second, and puts Philip in his play area, then rushes back outside. He returns with a bottle of pills and Alex in his arms. I gasp, thinking the worst. He shushes me a little. Oh. Alex is just asleep. Thomas walks in and puts the pills in a cabinet.

"He's asleep, so be quiet. He'll be fine but..." he trails off.

"What is it?" I ask.

"He was talking about how he wasn't enough to anyone. Talking about suicide, and how easy it'd be. I think he was thinking it and not meaning to say it out loud. It was scary, to be honest. But he totally crashed in the car. Like, not even a minute in and he was dead asleep. He's probably been awake for days now." Thomas explains, worry burning in his eyes. I embrace him from one side, Eliza on his other. We walk over to Alex, peacefully resting on the couch.

I gasp gently, for the second time.

He's pale. God, he's so damn pale. He usually has that light Caribbean tan on his skin, but it's all washed out, like someone erased it away. There's deep purple bags under his eyes, telling me he really hasn't slept at all recently. His cheeks are sunken in and a little hollow, and I vaguely remember him pushing his food around his plate a lot the past few weeks. How could I have been so blind? The worst thing, though, is his arms. The skin peeks out of a long blue shirt, and I move a little so I can see them better. The lines crisscrossing his arms are almost sickening. Some are red and long, stretching from one edge of his wrist to the other. A few are a darker brown-red, still in the healing faze, scabbed over and raised. A very small amount are white or pink, older scars, better healed cuts. I turn away, not wanting to see anything else.

I hear Thomas say something to Eliza, but I'm too busy scooping up Philip and walking to the nursery to hear.

Once I get to the nursery I sit in one of the rocking chairs there. I love these rocking chairs. I picked them out. I rock Philip, talking to him while I do.

"You know, your Dad is going through a lot right now. He'll be okay though, alright? We're gonna help him get through this, yeah? Me and you, buddy. We can do it. And no matter what, I love you, and he loves you, and never forget that." By the time I'm done, Philip is asleep just like his father, and I don't notice Thomas in the doorway. I'm too busy smiling down on this baby, who I consider my own, stroking his hair and caressing his tanned cheek. I kiss his small nose and look up. Thomas is smiling and leaning against the doorway. I jump the smallest bit and laugh.

"You scared me." I say quietly, giggles bubbling out.

"Alex will be ok, Mar. I promise. And I promise that Philip will love you just as much as you love him. I know he has none of you in him, but that doesn't mean you aren't one of his many parents. You are important, Maria." He says, hugging me as he plunks down in the other rocking chair. I nod a little. At first, right after Pip was born, I felt like I didn't matter because I wasn't a biological parent of his. But now I accept it and know that we can still be a family. But hearing Thomas say it is nice. Really nice. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder, thankful for my beautiful family, slightly dysfunctional as it is.

AUTHORS NOTE: yeah I'm terrible at chapter endings. By the way, Maria is in the title cause her part is important and I wanted to #appreciateMaria since she deserves it. A few more chapters and Fix Me will be over!! I'm excited for the ending, I'm trying to plan it out still but get ready. I don't know if I want it happy or sad or somewhere in between, but hopefully it'll be good. Better than these past few chapters I hope. Thank you so much for reading!! 💕
Word Count: 2557 words