- THOMAS' POV -
*time skip to 3 months after Philips birth*
My baby boy. God, it's still surreal to be saying that. I run my fingers through the little bit of hair he has as he sits in my lap. He has my corkscrew curls. I smile to myself. We made this. Well, sort of. I think of Alex every time I look at Pip. Our wedding is in 2 months. Things are crazy, but I couldn't be happier. I turn my thoughts back to Philip when he moves a little.

I kiss his small, tan forehead and stand up, resting him against my hip as I walk around, looking for Alex. I find him walking out of our bathroom, tugging on his sleeves a little bit. It's April, but still warming up. Plus, Alex is a freeze baby so I can see why he's still wearing long sleeves. I don't think much of it for a second but there are two things that make me reconsider my thoughts.

The tugging of the shirt, and the look in his eyes.

The eyes. They look like freshman year. I know he was getting more anxiety lately, and his depression hasn't exactly improved. I'm worried. His brown eyes are clouded with something I can't really identify. Fear? Confusion? Regret?

"Alex...?" I hesitate, reaching out to touch his arm. He flinches away and draws his arm to his side tightly. Oh no. No, no, no. This can't be happening. Not again.

"Alexander, did you cut?" I ask. We got past this! He's been clean for almost 4 years now! I thought this was done! Not that I'm saying it's his fault, but... I just want him to be ok. He looks down and smiles a little, acting strong. Then he shakes his head no, and tries to walk away. I'm not buying it. I decide to do something I know will stop him.

I lift Philip up and set him on Alex's shoulder, holding onto him. Alex stops walking and turns his head a little, smiling at Philip. I can tell it's still a fake smile though. He raises his hand to stroke Pips cheek and that's when I see it. The sleeve droops down and there are red marks, fresh and stark against Alex's tan skin. I take Philip off him and immediately grab his shoulder so he can't walk away. I take his hand and walk him to Philips room so I can set Pip in his crib. After doing so, I pull him to the 2 rocking chairs and sit him down. He's still looking down. He knows I know.

"Why?" I ask. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm worried. I want Alex to be ok. He raises his head and silent tears are gliding down his cheeks, landing on the top of his gray shirt. I instantly pull him out of the chair and onto mine, in my lap, when I see him crying. I kiss the top of his head as the tears shake his body, and suddenly the tears turn to sobs. They rock through him, jolting his small figure. I hold him tighter and let him cry, muttering words in his ears.

"Shhh, baby, shhh. It's ok, I've got you. It's ok, baby. Let it all out." The last sentence somehow makes his crying more intense. He's gasping for breath between each sob, growing louder and louder. He's curled up in my chest, in a small ball. His tears are soaking through my shirt and onto my skin. I let him cry, knowing that when this happens you just have to let them get it all out, like I told him to. I stroke his hair, occasionally kissing him on his forehead and the top of his head.

After a few minutes of heart wrenching sobbing, the door quietly swings open, revealing Eliza on the other side of it. Concern and confusion are painted across her face, and she takes a step forward. She notices me, with Alex crying, and mouths,

Is something wrong? Is it Philip?

I mouth back,

Philips fine, Alex started cutting again and I found out.

She gasps ever so slightly and I nod grimly. She walks out, knowing Alex would want his space. His sobbing has turned into gentle, quiet tears again, but he's still shaking. He's been crying for probably 5 or 6 minutes, but I can tell it's taken a lot out of him. A few minutes later, he wipes away him final tears and looks up at me with red - rimmed and damp eyes. I smile sadly down at him, then kiss his nose a little bit.

"Can you tell me why you cut? I'm not mad, I'm just confused." I tell him, hoping to sort everything out. He blinks a few times and sniffles, then draws in a deep breath and says,

"I'm s-sorry. It's j-just, the depression c-came back and this t-time it hit hard and I-I didn't want to t-tell you because I didn't wanna w-worry you. And c-cutting felt like the only option." I sigh.

"Sweetheart, if your ever having a problem and you think it's a burden, please just tell me. We'll get you back on the meds and it'll all be fine. But please, I know it's difficult but for me and Philips sake, don't cut." I say. He glances at Pips crib, where he's fast asleep somehow. We lay there for a while, him curled against my chest, nearing sleep himself. I rock the chair gently, not wanting to ruin the moment. I knew later I'd have to hide the cutting stuff just like in college, but that's ok. I want Alex safe. I need him. I can't bear to lose him.

A couple minutes later, Alex's breathing has evened out and his eyes are shut. He's always so adorable when he's asleep, even after crying for 10 minutes during a bad depression episode. I take my phone out of my pocket and text Eliza, so I don't have to wake my fiancé up.

ThomasJeff: hey, Alex is ok now. He explained what happened. He needs to go back on meds but that's ok. He's asleep in my lap right now and Philips asleep in his crib. Just thought I should let you know. :)
ElizaWatchingItBurn: thanks for letting me know <3. I was nervous when I heard him crying. But it's all good now. I figure I shouldn't bring this up at dinner? Lol
ThomasJeff: yeah, don't really think that's the best option. But anyways, sorry if you got freaked out.
ElizaWatchingItBurn: it's fine, you can't change it now.
ThomasJeff: I have to go, he's waking up but I'll see you soon (this is weird we live in the same house lol)
ElizaWatchingItBurn: yeah it is sorta weird. See you soon !! Love you T <3
ThomasJeff: love you too 'Liza :)

I finish texting her as Alex moves around in my lap a little, his brown eyes fluttering open. He looks up at me and smiles a little, wiping at his tired and slightly pink eyes. I kiss him and he happily kisses back. I hope we can get him back to "normal". It kills me to see him like this.

" 'M sorry, Tommy." He says, sleep slurring his words a little. I frown slightly.

"It's not your fault, baby. We're gonna help you through this, alright?" I ask and he nods in response, glancing over at our baby boy in his crib.

"I wanna get through it. For you, and our family and Pip and the wedding." He mumbles. I nod and kiss him, trying to convey my love for him instead of just saying it. I've found that after a while, even if words are true, saying them too much loses their meaning a little. Not that I don't love my Alexander, no, I love him with every ounce of my heart.

"It's about 6, and I think I smell chicken, wanna go see if Maria's making dinner? I think it's her night." He nods and I pick Philip up, and together we walk as a family to the dining room.

I set Pip down in his high chair and wait at the table with Alex. We're currently making funny faces at Philip as Maria is dishing up the food. Eliza walks out, and sees Alex. She falters a little while walking, but smiles and comes over to us.

"Hey guys!" She says, kissing us both on the cheek in a sisterly manner.

"And hey, Pip! You hungry?" She coos, laughing at Philips little smiles. She walks to the refrigerator and gets a bottle of formula milk already prepared, and heats it up. She comes walking out with it at the same time Mar brings the plates of food. I smile and thank her when she sets the meal down in front of us. I notice it's a favorite of Alex's. Grilled chicken with Caribbean spices, garlic green beans and salted watermelon. He smiles, noticing the foods.

After we all thank Maria and say grace, and set Pip up with his bottle, we dig in.

"Oh my God, Maria! You make the best chicken." Alex says. I share a glance with Eliza and she smirks and shakes her head. At the same time, we scoff and pretend to be offended at his comment. Everyone laughs at that. We're a big happy family. Most of the time.

When we're done with dinner, I pull Eliza aside.

"Did you tell Mar to make Alex's favorite stuff for dinner?" I ask. She nods and smiles.

"I felt really bad. For not noticing anything that was happening with him. I wanted to try and make it up. His crying earlier... it broke my heart. I just want him to be happy again. When are you taking him to the therapist for medications? Did you hide the stuff?" She says. I wrap my arms around her.

"Liza, it's not your fault. No one noticed... not even me. I'm taking him tomorrow for meds while we're wedding planning, and I hid the cutting stuff a couple minutes before dinner, when I went to the bathroom." I tell her. I don't want her to feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilty, it's me. I'm his SoulMate after all. I didn't even notice the little red lines appearing on my arm every couple days. I sigh, and walk to the couch, where Maria and Alex are deeply enthralled in a TV show. Pip is sitting in Maria's lap happily.

"Whatcha' watching?" I ask, glancing at the screen.

"Shh!" They chorus simultaneously.

"Ok, ok!" I say, putting my hands up in surrender.

"It's one of Pips shows. I don't know why they like it so much. It's called Chuggington, I believe?" Eliza explains to me. I nod, vaguely remembering Alex explaining it to me a few weeks ago, right after Philip turned 2 months old.

We do our usual night routine, letting the baby and 2 children (Alex and Maria) watch an episode of TV, then go for a walk so we get some fresh air. I take Alex's hand as we walk through the streets, Eliza pushing Pip in a stroller a few driveways ahead of us with Maria.

"Do they know about..." he trails off, gesturing to his still covered arm. I nod, then shake my head.

"Eliza does, Maria... might. I dunno. Do you want her to know?" I ask.

"Yeah. I'd everyone else does, it's not fair to keep just her in the dark. And she was really helpful back in college, ya know?" He says. I nod and ask if he wants me to tell her later.

"Uhh. Yeah. I don't really like to talk about it." He swallows and looks off to the left, towards the road and away from me. I lift my fingers to his chin and gently pull his head towards mine, stopping and kissing him slowly.

"Hey. It's ok, you don't have to talk about it. It's alright baby, we understand." I assure him. He finally gives me a little smile, a small one, but real. He kisses my forehead, having to go on his tiptoes to do so. I smile and we keep walking, everything settled. The next few days, weeks, months, years, will be hard. But Alex and I can get through it. We have for 4 years, even after I drunkenly kissed a random girl at a party, or when he set my clothes in fire after I almost broke up with him for overworking himself. And even after more somber things, such as this. I know we'd be ok. We had each other, we had our family, and we had love.

AUTHORS NOTE: uggghh cheesy chapter ending. I might make 2 bonus chapters at the end of this book (maybe separate, like in a oneshot book??) of Tommy boy kissing a girl and Alex burning his clothes so they wouldn't break up. Idk tho. Sorry about not updating. Schools back in session and my mental health is down about 1000000, not even joking. Things are getting bad but this outlet is helping. Thank you for understanding, again I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for reading!!💕
Word Count: 2221 words