If you have not watched a Bollywood Movie, please skip this complaint session. If you have, continue. Even if you haven't. You might enjoy it. IDK.

I'm Indian. You've probably realized that. More importantly, South Indian. I'm pretty sure all Indian movies are basically the same, but I could be wrong. Comment telling me what you think.

Anyways, it seems to me that all Bollywood movies have some criteria that they must follow. Hence, this turns originality to a big. fat. zero. Let's go over the criteria.

A. Girl and guy. Fall in love.

B. One upbeat song. Singing in the street, dancing in the street, nobody cares. Better yet, everyone joins in. Technically, flash mobs all the time. Example: 'Chittiyaan Kalaiyaan'

C. One melodic song. Only the couple, dancing around, boy and girl getting uncomfortably close. Quite often in scenic places. Ex: 'Titli'

D. One classical song. Wearing classical clothing, dancing classical style. Ex: ''Nagada Sang Dol'

E. One wild song. Drunk dudes hobbling around. Mass song, crowd favorite. Ex: 'One, Two, Three, Four'

F. One everyday song. No dancing. Just clips of everyday life. Almost seems like BGM, but it's not. Ex: 'Kanulanu Thaake'

G. Journey. On a quest, maybe quest to find something (rare), mostly a quest to win girl's heart.

H. Parents don't care. Boy and girl in love, whatever! Either that, or one of the parents is the obstacle that keeps them from being happily in love.

I. Obstacle that keeps them from being happily in love.

J. Random dress change and scene change in the middle of song. No idea how it happened, it just did. Go with it.

K. One Wedding Song. Dancing at the wedding, bride couldn't care less. Ex: 'Dilliwalli Girlfriend'

What irks me so much about Bollywood movies is their lack of originality & completely unrealistic tendencies. In other words, they are all the same, and they events in the movie will never happen in real life.

Like, if I went out onto a random busy street in the middle of Downtown and started singing and dancing, would people join in? Or would they bring out their baseball bats and shoes and start hitting me?

And if I was an actor, and my character fell in love with some dude and he fell in love with my character, would I actually dance around trees with him? I mean, I don't find trees to be the most romantic option out there! And if the trees were in the coldest part of Switzerland, would I wear a sleeveless sari blouse and Gaagra skirt there and dance around trees with some dude? I mean, Indian actors and actresses really need to rethink their life choices.

I swear, if somebody was awful at describing songs, and they told me that in the Indian song, a girl is dancing and people are dancing around her in the city, I wouldn't be sure whether you would be describing 'Chittiyaan Kalaiyaan' or 'Balam Pichkari. If you told me they are dancing at a wedding, I wouldn't be sure if it's 'Ainvayi Ainvayi', 'Dilliwalli Girlfriend', or one of the other two million Indian wedding songs out there.

Hence, they are completely unoriginal, badly plotted, sometimes with awful choreography that even I could outdo, and dumb songs.

Oh why do I still feel so attracted to these movies?