September 2

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

Ring after ring goes unanswered as I call Greyson for the thousandth time.

He hasn't spoken to me since the morning after the funeral, since I'd given him his letter. In fact, he left sometime in the night, leaving me to wake up alone. I'm not even sure he's read it, he's just closed himself away in Theo's boathouse. I'm at my wit's end, trying to get through to him. I'm running on fumes, close to nothing left to give before I crash.

I'm exhausted. Even Ryan had gone home to be with his family, with people who will actually try to connect with him, rather than wait for Greyson to see his pain and reach out to him.

Sitting with my back against the door of Theo's loft, I rest my forehead on my knees.

"Go home, Elle. I'll stay here."

Theo's tired voice is soft, cautious. He's tried to make me go home already, but I don't want to leave.

"I can't leave, Theo. What if he needs me?"

"You're absolutely dead on your feet, Elle. You won't be any use to him if you collapse from exhaustion. Anyway, it wasn't a choice. I called Hud to come to get you."

I look at Theo, the feeling of betrayal stinging as it sweeps through me. "You know I can't leave him."

"Yeah, you can Elle. You will. You've been here nearly two days, you haven't slept, you haven't eaten, you need to shower. Enough is enough. Someone has to look out for you, and since he chose to stay here, with me, I'll keep an eye out. I promise. You, however, will go with Hud, sleep, eat, shower, and come back tomorrow. If you don't go with Hud, I'm calling your dad."

The sound of a boat approaching makes my eyes fill with tears. "How can you ask me to leave him, Theo?"

"Because I love you, and I can see you breaking right in front of my eyes. You've been taking care of everyone for over a week. Take care of yourself, now."

Heavy footsteps plod up the stairs, and Hud's worried face comes into view. He looks as bad as I feel.

"T, Ellie. Any change?"

I shake my head, biting back tears.

Hudson's long sigh is sad, tired. "Come on then. Let's leave him to it for a bit, I'll bring you back tomorrow to check on him." He reaches his hand down for mine, waiting for me to make the decision.

Pressing the heels of my hands to my tired eyes, I quickly try to think about how I can convince them to let me stay here. Tightness spreads through my chest as I'm torn between my terrible choices.

Leave Greyson now, maybe for six, eight or so hours, or have Theo call Dad who might take me down to the city if he sees the state I'm in. Or convince the boys to let me stay, that I'm fine. Am I fine? I can't tell.

"Elle, I mean it. I'm calling Linc, or worse, your mom if you don't go with Hud right now." Theo's voice is gentle but firm. I know he won't be convinced. The best I can hope for is that Hudson will bring me back as early as possible tomorrow.

I put my hand in Hudson's which is still reaching for me, and he pulls me to my feet, wrapping an arm around me for a quick squeeze.

As soon as we leave Theo's, it feels like an anchor settles on my chest. I struggle to breathe normally, holding back the tears I've been trying to contain for days. As the minutes tick by, the crushing weight of emotion chokes me.

I'm frozen in place when Hudson pulls up to his dock, my breath clogging in my lungs, my vision blurry. He ties off, then I feel the boat rocking as he jumps back in, crouching in front of me.

"Take a breath for me, Elle. Come on, in and out, count with me." I can't focus on his face, everything is blurring as the dizziness washes over me.

His hands are on my face, on my shoulders, as he slides his hands down to the familiar pressure points, easing the anxiety building inside me. Despite his calming words, his familiar touch, the normally tried-and-true efficacy of the pressure spots, I can't shake the emotionally charged anxiety attack sliding over me, slamming through me.

Normally, when I realize I'm having a panic attack, it doesn't seem so scary; I know they're temporary. Not this time. If I don't stop it now, will it ever end? How can it?

Panic grips me, like cold fingers closing around my throat. Hudson pulls my head down between my knees, rubbing my back. "It's okay, Elle. I'm going to pick you up, take you up to the cabin, okay?"

I nod, sucking in small puffs of air, the dizziness passing as he eases me up before scooping me in his arms. "In and out, Elle. Four beats in, six out, do it with me. That's my girl."

He sets me on the edge of his bed, his breathing ragged from the exertion of carrying me up the hill. He hits the ceiling fan, then grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. His hand is firm on my back as he presses my head between my knees. Eventually, the spots dancing in front of my eyes fade, and my breathing becomes easier, marginally.

"Take a few sips," he orders as he uncaps the bottle. When I hear the familiar rattle of a pill bottle, I shake my head.

"Your mom gave them to me, just in case you needed them."

"What if he comes looking for me, and I'm not there?" I close my eyes against the guilt that swirls through me. "I should be there, in case. I can't take the pills in case he needs me, they mess with my head, my feelings."

"It's only a mild sedative. It's not the heavy-duty stuff. I promise. Look, just take half, okay?"

Knowing Hudson won't let it go, I snap the small pill in half with my teeth, sipping water, and dropping the remaining part of the pill back into his palm.

"I'm sorry you're hurting, Elle, that you're feeling this way, but to be honest, it's not Grey I'm worried about right now. He's made his choice, he can't see what it's doing to you, but I can. You can't help someone who won't help themselves."

"You know what he's like, Hudson. You know how he is." I bite my lip, trying to hold back another flood of tears.

"Yeah, I do, and I'm tired of all of us for letting him stay that way, for making excuses for him, Elle. I mean for fuck's sake, you're about to break, I know the signs by now. Christ, Elle, you have bruises on your chest from your own knuckles pressing there, trying to ease your own anxiety. I've watched you do it a thousand times, now. You can't only focus on him. It's not healthy."

I look down at my chest and see that he's right. I hadn't even known I was doing it, but sure enough, the skin is red, purple, and blue from the points of my knuckles.

Hudson rifles around for a t-shirt, offering it to me. I just stare at it, frozen, numb, until he sighs and takes the bottle of water from me. He pulls my sundress over my head, then yanks his t-shirt over my head, shoving my arms through each side.

"Just take a breath, take a minute. Crash with me for a bit, my phone is on, and Theo will call if there's a change, you can't punish yourself for needing to rest." Hudson shifts, climbing over me so he's lying on my other side, facing me. He pushes his arm under my head and pulls me closer, so my head is resting on his shoulder.

I close my eyes, fighting for any kind of control over my emotions. All I feel is the familiar tickle of anxiety and panic, though, nothing else.

Warmth creeps along my back as Hudson curls his arm around me, pulling the blankets up. His hand strokes up and down my back, something that normally calms me, but this time, it doesn't help.

"Let go, Elle. I've got you. It's okay for you to lean on someone else for a change. It's what Liam asked of Theo and me in our letter, to look out for one another, to look out for you." His voice breaks as he admits what he'd read in his letter, and I squeeze him hard, trying to give comfort while seeking it myself.

But, as soon as his lips touch my forehead, I crack. Everything I've held inside for weeks wrenches free. At first, the tears fall silently, soaking his chest as he holds me as close to him as he can.

"There you go, Ellie. It's okay. You're okay, I'm here. Everything is going to be okay, I promise."

For awhile he cries with me, before drying his eyes on the pillow and gathering me close.

Then, as I struggle to breathe, the sobs become louder, more erratic. I lose complete control.

I cry from exhaustion, from grief, from frustration, from loneliness, from uncertainty.

I cry for the loss of everything I've been holding together this summer.

I cry for Liam, for his parents, for Sam, for Ryan.

I cry for Greyson, the angry, emotionally unavailable boy who, unknowingly, with every refusal to let me in, chipped away at my heart, splintering microscopic shards of it away without even my knowledge. The boy who I love despite all of that.

I cry until I'm empty. I cry for me. Minutes, hours, I lose all concept of time, but through it all, Hudson never let me go.

I cry, wishing all the while I'd only held it together, after all, it's harder to put yourself back together than it is to fall apart in the first place.

I cry, knowing at this moment, I simply don't have the energy to put myself back together.

I don't realize I've said my last few thoughts aloud until Hudson's soft whisper floats by my ear.

"It's okay, Ellie. I'll help you, we'll put the pieces back together, then see what comes next. Just know I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Wh-what am I-I sup-posed t-to do?"

"All you need to do is hold on. I'll help you with the rest."

So I cling to Hudson, crying until I'm empty, until the darkness floods over me, leaving me in a blessedly dreamless state of sleep, wrapped in the arms of the person who at this moment, I feel safest with in the whole world.

- - -

It was only a matter of time before Elle broke, I think.

With Greyson shutting down after his friend's passing, all of a sudden, Elle didn't have anyone's needs to put ahead of her own, she was faced with everything she's held in all summer long.

Do you think she'll be able to get through to Greyson? After letting everything she's been holding in, out, do you think she'll be in a better position to help her friends?

Stay tuned!

Xx Toria