August 30

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

I open my eyes, blinking against the light filtering through the window. They are swollen and gritty from crying and sleeping.

The day ahead will probably be one of the hardest days of my life. Of our lives.

I look down to see Greyson's head resting high on my stomach, holding me tightly in sleep. I stroke my hand over his soft, thick hair, running my fingers through it. He's still fully dressed, having fallen asleep on the sofa with me the night before.

As I lay quietly steeling myself for the day ahead, I let my mind wander, drifting over the memories from the past weeks.

They'd flown by, a blur, bittersweet and beautiful; happy and heartbreaking.

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since Liam's parents brought him up north. It feels like yesterday.

But, after seventeen bittersweet but strangely perfect days, Liam passed away in his sleep, wrapped in the arms of the girl he loved and surrounded by his family.

After he'd asked me to keep the letters for him, we'd spent another five wonderful days together, all of us, creating beautiful memories, just as he'd wanted.

Today, exactly four days later, we'll gather in the small church in the town of Rosseau, to mourn the death of a sweet boy, taken too soon. His family has opted to keep the services here in Muskoka rather than the city, preferring to keep the ceremony as private as possible, a celebration of life will follow later in the year.

I stroke Greyson's hair once more, nudging him awake. I slide lower on the sofa, under him, bringing his face closer to mine and I kiss him awake. His hands grip my ribs tightly.

I squeeze him hard, then pull us both up into a sitting position. "We need to get ready," I say softly. I untangle myself from his hold and look down at him. He's hollow-eyed, dazed, and the lines from the fabric of his denim shirt I'd fallen asleep in are pressed into his cheek.

Tugging him along with me into the bathroom, I unbutton the soft flannel shirt from his body, sliding it away. I remove the belt and push him to finish undressing. He does so, robotically, and I cover his fresh tattoo with plastic, taping it down.

I still couldn't believe what they'd gone and done, but I had to admit, I found the dark ink lines on his chest appealing, not to mention the fact that it was a beautiful tribute to his friend.

The three jersey numbers, side by side, with the hockey stick underneath captivated me. The lines that had been red and angry, are now almost fully healed, and so beautiful against his tan skin.

I turn the shower on and step back, pushing him through the opening and under the spray.

He stands there, frozen. His face tipped up under the spray.

I watch him, worried. He's barely said a word these last few days. He's fallen asleep each night wrapped in my arms.

The first two nights following Liam's passing, Ryan, Hudson, and Theo had been curled up next to us as well. I haven't spent a night in my own bed, my own home, in over a week.

I'd tried to see Sam three different times, but her parents drove up from Toronto to stay with her and Liam's family, and she hasn't been accepting any visitors.

After ten minutes of his standing there, not moving, I strip to my bra and underwear to step into the shower with him. I take a small cloth from the rail, lather it with soap, and run it over his body, cleaning him, soothing him.

It's a strangely intimate thing. I'm a little embarrassed by it, even though we've become so familiar with one another over the past weeks. But he's looking at me with such heartbreak in his eyes. I stop and just wrap my arms around him.

He begins to shake, to sob, and it's a terrible sound. He slips down to his knees, pressing his face against my chest as I try to hold him. I stand with him, soaking wet until the water runs cold, but I don't care.

I remove my sopping wet clothes and toss them in the shower stall to deal with later. I wrap myself up in a towel, then step out of the shower to hand him one as well. I run my fingers across his face, deciding he really needs a shave.

I hunt around the bathroom, finding a shaving kit that I believe to be his Greyson's. I grab the shaving cream and rinse the razor, filling the sink with water. I rub the shaving cream gently into Greyson's skin in slow, circular movements and he closes his eyes.

I've watched my dad shave enough times, sitting on his counter while he got ready for work, so I'm fairly confident I can do this. I can't let him go to the funeral with several days of slightly uneven stubble on his face, at any rate.

I look up at the sound of the door squeaking open. Joy walks in, pausing in the doorway. Her eyes take in the scene, Greyson, towel wrapped hips sitting on a low footstool, leaning against me, eyes closed. Me, wearing only a towel, using one hand to hold her son's head back against my chest while I carefully scrape the razor across his skin. I stop my movements and look up at her, worried at her reaction.

Joy's eyes fill with tears as she watches me for a moment, thoughtfully. She smiles sadly and closes the door again, without a word, leaving me alone to help her son grieve.

Perhaps it's unfair of me, but I've been disappointed by how absent Joy is, how absent Kate and Rob are. My mom and dad have been picking up the slack, so have Geordie and Brooke, making sure we're okay, that we have someone to talk to. Even Mitch and Genevieve have been around more, and their kids didn't even know Liam, not more than as number eighty-eight on the Landon Knights roster at any rate.

But focusing on Greyson lets me calm my own jumping nerves. I'm extremely anxious for today on top of everything else. Jacqueline and Paul asked if I would say a few words for Liam, and I'd opened my letter last night while Greyson slept.

Just like Liam promised, all the instructions were there, thoughtfully mapped out, filled with pleases and thank you's. At first, it made me smile, then I'd wept. I'd wept silently as Greyson slept, my hand covering my mouth to muffle my tears in the quiet of the night.

Aside from asking me to look out for our group of friends, for Sam, he'd asked me to check on his parents every once in a while. They like you, he'd said, they'll be happy to have the reminder of one of the reasons I've been so happy this summer, he'd explained. He'd asked me to bring Grey and Ryan along sometimes too.

But what had really sent me over the edge was that he asked for me to put myself first, to know my own limits if Greyson shut down. And that was what I was scared of.

And finally, like his parents, he too had asked me to speak.

He'd asked me to say something profound, because his friends might not be able to, and he didn't want the last thing said about him today to be sad or filled with grief. He wanted me to remind people that he'd been happy, loved, unafraid. That he would be with us, always. 

Paul and Jacqueline had also asked Greyson, and Ryan if they would speak, but only Ryan agreed. So when they asked me, I didn't hesitate to say yes, since Greyson wasn't capable at that moment, but I knew he'd regret it if one of us didn't say something.

I don't want him to have any more regret on his shoulders. Not over this.

I leave Greyson sitting on the bed after handing him boxers, and a white t-shirt to wear under the dress shirt. I get ready myself, fixing my hair and makeup, then sliding into the modest black dress, nude tights, low black heels that Mom dropped off.

I tuck Liam's letter in my purse for courage, then grab the box of things I'd like to give to his parents, along with their letter, which I'm to give them today.

I'm to deliver the others until tonight, then give Coach the letter for the team on the first day of school.

As I step through the door, I can see he's barely moved. I manage to push, pull, tug, and button Greyson into the suit and tie his tie. I look into his face as I tighten the knot at his throat, straightening it before kissing him softly. "Greyson, it's time to go."

His forehead drops forward, down to my chest, his fingers closing around my necklace tightly. He breathes deeply for a moment before standing and holding his hand out for mine.

The boat ride, and walk to the church are a blur, I'm focused on Greyson and Ryan, each of their hands closed tightly in one of mine. I haven't seen Sam yet. I'm trying to keep an eye out for my friends, for our families.

I leave the boys sitting in the pew reserved for family, where Liam's parents have asked us to sit, nearly choking on the motions rising in my throat.

I'm dizzy with nerves, and the overwhelming sadness coming from those around me. Excusing myself, I slip into the hallway, struggling for air. I have to pull it together. I spend a few minutes focused on regulating my breathing, telling myself I'm just nervous, I'm not on the edge of a panic attack, just nervous about speaking in front of a crowd.

When Dad finds me leaning against the wall, struggling for composure he doesn't speak, he doesn't try to fix it, or two convince me I'll be fine. He simply pulls me close and squeezes the back of my neck, rocking from side to side until I'm calm once more. I cling to him, completely unashamed in my need for him.

All too soon, music twinkles softly in the background, so I ease my way back into the main room, settling down between Ryan and Greyson, holding onto my shaky composure.

The ceremony is as beautiful as could be hoped for. Ryan's brief speech has the audience laughing, which makes me smile. Liam would like to hear laughter.

When my name is called, I walk slowly to the front of the church, glancing at the marble urn containing the ashes of my friend.

Greyson's eyes are fixed on me. I'm not certain what I see there when I meet his gaze, his grief makes him too hard for me to read.

Now, standing here in front of everyone, my stomach jumps, and my throat is so tight. I have a moment of pure panic that I might lose it in front of the crowd. I breathe deeply, calming my nerves. I look to Greyson, but his face is blank, offering no familiarity, only emptiness, only grief.

I stumble a little until Hudson clears his throat, giving me an encouraging nod. His kind, familiar eyes steady me, as he slides into my line of sight in his pew.

Feeling his support, I start again. "I was lucky enough to have had the extreme honour of knowing Liam. Of calling him, my friend." I begin, my voice just a little shaky. I swallow quickly, convulsively, hoping to clear it.

"Ours was not a long friendship built over the years, but over many moments shared between our small group of friends." I pause, willing myself to continue. I see my parents looking up at me, tears, and love in their eyes. I take a deep breath and continue.

"To know Liam was to know love. I saw this every single day in the way he looked with his family, friends, and his partner."

I look briefly at Ryan, Greyson, Sam, Liam's parents. Ryan's arms are wrapped around Sam as they cry silently together. Greyson continues to stare numbly at me and my heart cracks a little more for him.

"What I have come to understand from our time spent with Liam, is that only you have the power to decide your fate, even if that fate is cut short by forces out of your control. Only you can decide how you will react. In anger? In fear? In grace? In love?"

I take a short breath, licking my dry lips.

"I have never admired someone more than I grew to admire Liam. He chose to react in grace, love. And his grace, his love, his courage are just parts of what I admired about him. Looking down at his parents today, I can see where it comes from, the strength of character, his security in the love that surrounded him, always." I look down and Paul and Jacqueline who are quietly crying and holding one another.

"I hope you remember the sound of his laughter, for that was his favourite sound to make. I hope you remember his smile, for it was his favourite expression to wear. I hope you remember his love, as that was his favourite emotion. I hope you remember his courage, as that was the example he set for us all. But most of all, I hope you remember that he knew, beyond measure, that he was loved, for that was the fuel for the security, confidence, and grace he carried with him, always."

I turn towards his parents, "I hope you take some measure of comfort in the strength of the son you raised, who was and will continue to be an example to so many through the love and courage he's shown us all these past years."

"I'd like to share a quote, I think Liam would have liked. From what I understand, he used to love having the stories of a little yellow bear and his friends read to him by his loving parents." I smile sadly down at the audience before turning my attention to his parents.

"If there ever comes a day we can't be together, keep me in your heart and I will stay there forever." 

I take a slow steadying breath. "I hope you all keep Liam in your hearts because there, he will stay with each of us. In memory and spirit. If Liam resides in your hearts, then where you walk, so shall he."

I fold the paper and step down from the small podium, walking back towards the pew once more.

Jacqueline and Paul rise as I walk by and pull me into their arms. I hold them tightly, for just a moment, before guiding them back to their seat on the pew. I kiss Liam's mother's cheek and squeeze his father's hand before taking my own seat next to Greyson further down the pew.

He doesn't look at me, but raises my hand to his lips, turning it gently to place a warm kiss on the soft, sensitive skin where my wrist meets my palm. His lips linger for a moment as he breathes deeply against my skin and the tears sliding down his face spread onto my arm.

A short while later, we file out of the church heading back home with Liam's family. My parents drive some of us there, speaking quietly between themselves as Greyson, Ryan, and I sit in silence. I'm holding both of their hands in mine, anchoring them against the storm of their grief.

Our friends come to join us, sharing our grief for a few moments, before saying their goodbyes. Hudson squeezes me hard, telling me to call him later before he leaves with his family.

The reception lasts a little over an hour before Liam's parents find their way to Sam, Ryan, Greyson, and me.

I rise immediately, offering them my seat on the sofa, asking them if I can't get them anything. They shake their heads at me, Jacqueline squeezing my hand gently.

"Thank you for your kind words today Elle, I can't tell you how much it meant to us."

"Oh, Jacqueline..." I swallow around the thick lump in my throat as I take her hand. "The honor was all mine. Thank you for letting me share a little piece of your son with everyone today." I say a little awkwardly, my words so insufficient.

Paul steps in, placing his hand on his wife's shoulder. "We're saying our goodbyes to everyone, but we wanted to ask you to stay a little while longer."

We all nod. Dad, catching my eye from across the room, wanders over to me and I explain our plans. He hands me the boat keys, pulling me into his arms and pressing his lips to my forehead. "You can take everyone home when you're ready. Let us know if you plan to stay with your friends tonight," he tips her head in their direction.

When I look, I see Sarah with him now, rubbing his shoulder, and I long to be with them. My dad's hand on my cheek pulls my attention back to him. "I am so proud of your strength my sweet, sweet baby," he whispers as he pulls me in for another hug.

"Thanks, Daddy, and I will. Let you know if I stay over somewhere, I mean." I kiss his cheek, clinging to him for a moment longer, inhaling the comforting scent of his aftershave before I turn back to my friends.

As I walk back, Tess stops me. I'd seen her sitting with her parents during the service, but hadn't had a chance to say hi. She'd delayed her departure to school, but was heading to their airport now.

She wraps her arms around me and sways back and forth. I'm beyond comforted by her love, wrapping around me like a familiar big sister. She whispers in my ear, "You take care of him, Elle."

I nod, "Of course I will, Tess."

She releases me. "Yourself, too, you hear me?"

She walks over to her brother and drops a kiss on the top of his head, squeezing his shoulders hard. His hand grips hers for a moment, but otherwise, he doesn't react. She looks over at me once more, I nod as if to tell her "I've got him."

I give Hudson the letter for him and Theo, asking him to keep it quiet until tonight, knowing I won't see him again this evening. I explain to him that I'm supposed to give them out in a certain order, that he has to open it after dinner. With his promise secured, I hug him goodbye with a promise to call later.

Once the other guests have gone, Jacqueline and Paul approach us, asking if we would join them to scatter Liam's ashes. We all agree, mutely. We approach a beautiful stretch of shoreline, where the sun dips down to touch the surface of the smooth water as it sets slowly. A solitary, tall, lean pine tree stands on the shore.

This picture of beauty mingled with grief, will stay with me forever.

Paul and Jacqueline open the urn, taking handfuls of the ash to spread lightly through the air. I watch as the ash is carried away in the wind.

Greyson, Ryan, and I all take small handfuls and repeat the gesture. Tears are rolling down my face. I take the boys' hands in mine, stepping aside.

Sam is last, and she holds the urn tightly to her chest, looking up at Jacqueline. Jacqueline gently places her arm across Sam's shoulders and helps her to scatter her handful of ashes.

It becomes clear to me that Liam's parents would like a few moments alone, so I steer my friends back to the cottage.

Sam continues to cry in Ryan's arms, and Greyson resumes his stiff position on the sofa.

Unable to settle, I begin to tidy up after the reception and have nearly finished by the time Jacqueline and Paul return.

Jacqueline lightly chastises me for cleaning up all on my own, but I try to insist that it was really the smallest thing I could do. She pulls me into a tight embrace. "These three are so lucky to have you, Elle. So are we." I hold her tightly until I feel her begin to pull away. "Take the boys home now. Sam will stay here." I nod.

"Before we leave, we have something for you." I pick up the small box I'd set aside for today and bring it over to them. "It's some memories, photos mostly, for you, from the past weeks we spent with Liam. I'll have something more for you, later, when I edit and print the pictures. You don't need to open them now, of course, but I thought you'd want to have them. I took some for Sam, Greyson, Ryan, and I, but the rest are here, are yours. There's also a letter. Liam asked me to hold on to it for you, until tonight, well after we'd said our goodbyes, not specifically this date."

I stop my rambling by biting my lip. I hug them both once more, leaving them in their slightly stunned silence. Walking over to Ryan, I place my hand on his shoulder. "It's time." He nods, wiping the tears from his face.

I sit beside Sam. "Sam, we're heading out, but I want you to call me, or text me if you need anything. I'm only ten minutes away," I remind her. Ryan echoes the sentiments immediately, before walking over to Liam's parents.

She holds onto me tightly. I look into her tear-stained face, puffy from crying. I hug her once more, tightly. "Sam, I have a letter for you, from Liam. He asked me to give it to you once we'd said our goodbyes. Here it is. He wanted you to read it on your own, but promise to call me if you need me."

When she only stares at me, I hug her again, kissing her cheek, leaving her staring at the envelope.

Ryan helps me pull Greyson to his feet and we walk down to the boat. Ryan's cottage is on the lake next to ours, so we'll need to go through the locks to get to his place.

I turn the bow and stern lights on, pulling out from the dock, two more letters for tonight heavy in my purse. I look once over my shoulder to take in the last view of where we'd scattered Liam's ashes, before accelerating, pulling away into the dusky evening.

- - -

This was such an emotional chapter for me to write.

Saying goodbye to a character you've come to love is so much harder than I imagined.

Please let me know what you think in the comments, or vote if you were touched by this chapter, or enjoyed the story so far.

Xx Toria