August 13

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

Lounging on my dock under the afternoon sun, I take a moment to go over everything in my head. I have my first moment to myself in what feels like weeks.

Between balancing work, riding, Greyson, Liam, and my friends, I've been completely drained. I managed to sneak down to the barn this week with Mum, which I was thankful for.

Kuna has the unique ability to restore my energy with only one soft knicker. A day on the trails was exactly what I needed. We wandered through the forest, sped through the fields, and ended our ride with a swim in the quarry where the old gravel pits have been filled with rainwater.

Mom and Dad left this morning for a few nights with friends, leaving me on my own again. Well, with Greyson, not that they need to know that, though.

Looking down at the boy in question, asleep on the lounge chair with me, his wide shoulders resting between my legs, spread over my hips, his head resting low on my belly like I'm his personal pillow. One hand grips my ribs tightly, even in sleep, like he doesn't want me to go anywhere. Not that I could, my lower body is pinned by his weight.

His other hand is fisted around the necklace he got me for my birthday, his fist resting just below my breasts. It's such an intimate position, but he seems to like it, and I find my initial embarrassment and awkwardness have faded. He seems to find comfort lying like this, wrapped around me. Wrapped up in me.

After the past two nights, I find I'm even more comfortable with his proximity, his carelessly intimate touches, his suggestive looks. No matter what he shows me, all I want is more. I crave his touch, the perfectly calm feeling that settles over me after he sends me over the edge. That wonderful, blissful edge.

He'd been equally patient with me last night, letting me hold on to my false sense of modesty in my matching barely there lace lingerie, only this time I'd picked them, driving him mad in the little black lace set and building my own confidence.

With every new sensation he introduces me to, or shows me how to release in him, I'm drawn closer to him, my body and mind tumbling on that headlong journey into love that my heart's already taken.

Even if I tried, I could never imagine a more perfectly imperfect boy to tumble into love with. Despite his flaws, which are arguably many, all the parts of him that try to be good make it all worth it.

Running my fingers up his neck softly, I luxuriate in the feel of him pressed against my skin. No matter how comfortable I might be with our new proximity, I am glad I'm home alone now, though. I wouldn't like to explain this one to either of my parents if they happened by. I continue to stroke my hand over Greyson's dark hair, warm from the sun.

These have been some of the toughest, most emotionally draining days I've ever lived through. This is the first block of day time we've had together that we haven't been with Liam, or working. Ryan, Hudson, and Sarah are there now and Theo will swing by later.

Jacqueline had ordered Greyson and me to go home and take an afternoon to ourselves. He'd been reluctant to leave, but he'd also been so tired, that he just hadn't had much fight in him. I'd worked this morning for a few hours and I'd agreed to take two more of Greyson's shifts this week so he could have more time with Liam and Ryan.

Something had shifted between us, and finally, we'd talked for a little while before he fell asleep, about how he's feeling. For the first time, he'd opened up, but all he'd had this time was anger. He'd been so angry at the unfairness of it all.

He's angry at his own sense of helplessness, he seems to be angry at everything, at everyone. Except me.

For a moment, Liam looked, and acted like his old self, gaining strength and energy for each day he'd been here. For the first few days at least. Yesterday, he'd taken a slight turn for the worse, but Jacqueline assured us we could come back tomorrow. Watching the rapid change in his friend had been the drop in the bucket that overflowed, as Greyson's sense of helplessness seemed to consume him.

Even though I know this lost feeling today is mostly channeled towards the situation with Liam, I know his father, Hugh, leaving has added to that immensely. But, Liam is what's in front of him, what's tangible, so all those broken feelings are aimed in that direction.

I tried to tell Greyson that he wasn't helpless, that he was doing everything he could do. That's when he'd gone quiet, whispering under his breath that he wasn't doing everything he could do, that he should push Liam to fight harder, longer, not to give up.

That had been a tough emotional bomb to diffuse and I don't know if I'd said the right thing. But it wasn't his decision to push Liam or not push. I was glad my dad talked me through this before Liam came up, and I'd repeated much of what Dad said.

I'd asked what he would do in Liam's shoes, would he fight if it meant wasting away, pumped full of drugs in a hospital? If he knew beyond a reasonable doubt that the odds were stacked against him would he choose to stay locked in a hospital, going through tests, treatments that made him sick? Or would he want to be free, spend whatever time he had left in a place he loves, with the people who love him?

Greyson's silence had been my answer, so I hadn't pushed him further.

He'd eventually brooded himself to sleep, settled against me in the sun and I'm left thinking about the next few days. Sam and Liam had won the charades game last night, literally dominating. I swear they can read each other's minds. As much fun as it was, I can tell that Liam itches to be outside more and more, though.

Geordie has some fireworks left from Canada Day and we'll take those back with us to do a smaller show for Liam and Sam later this week on a nice, clear night. Jacqueline and I have arranged a big campfire night, we'll make gourmet s'mores and roast hotdogs over the fire. I try to wrack my brain for some additional fun, light activities we can do as a group.

Ryan plans to bring camping gear over so we can spend the night out in the tent, camping like they used to, before Sam and I came into the picture.

I close my eyes, idly wondering if I could fall asleep like this, I'm normally not one for napping. My hands stroke through Greyson's hair, pausing when I hear the low rumble of an outboard engine in the distance, then nothing. I guess it was just a passerby, rolling a little too close to the dock. But, when I hear the dock creak a few minutes later, I slide my sunglasses up, pushing my hair back and stare in shock and just a little horror at Joy. My mind fumbles as it translates the sight before me. Greyson's mom.

She's standing next to her boat, stern line in hand, staring at us.

Not wanting to wake Greyson, I just lie there, staring back at her, finally offering a small smile and wave. God, I am so awkward sometimes.

Joy seems to shake herself back into action, tying her boat off and grabbing a basket from the front. As she walks over to me, I am very aware of Greyson's position against my body and the skimpy fabric of my bikini separating us.

Joy settles down on the lounge chair beside mine and sets the basket down, sighing. Her hand reaches out to brush the hair of Greyson's forehead. It's a tentative, uncertain gesture, almost shy.

Greyson isn't a particularly affectionate person, at least not physically. Actually, not really at all. His softer side is really only something I get to see. I've been able to touch him, hang from him, climb on him, hold him since before I can remember, but I also see how he steps out of an embrace as soon as he can. How he pulls away from the casual touches of his friends and family almost always.

In the past months, I've seen this change with Liam and I see glimpses of affection between him and Ryan. I wonder if that will all end when, well when.

"How are the two of you holding up, sweetie?" Joy's voice is soft, low.

"We're doing alright," I stop myself from running my fingers through his hair, but uncertain of what to do with my hands, so I rest them on Greyson's back, hoping Joy won't really pay attention. "We're on mandated leave until tomorrow to get some rest."

"Jacqueline called me. I also know you're home alone right now, so I came with some food for you two, so you don't need to cook. It's not like he'll let me do anything else for him. But here, at least, I can look out for you both." Joy's hand moves through her son's hair again. "It's nice to see him like this, peaceful."

Even though I feel bad that he's shutting her out, I also feel a little desperate and angry. She's letting him push her away, too. It's more convenient that way. I've seen how she backs down when faced with this difficult boy. I know he's doing it to me to a certain extent as well, but I refuse to be pushed away, I refuse to let him go through this alone. I know he isn't getting the support he needs to deal with his feelings, and I'm not fully equipped to help him alone. But right now? I get the feeling I'm all he's got sometimes, the only person truly in his corner. "I don't want to wake him up, he hasn't really slept in days, not for any length of time."

Joy raises one perfectly arched eyebrow at me. I realize how my statement must sound and I cringe inwardly. "We've been with the others, mostly. It's been a lot for him."

"Forgive me, Elle, but in the absence of your parents this weekend, I feel like I need to say... something." She looks me over, thoughtfully. "I hope you and my son are being, well, safe."

I feel my entire body flush. "Oh... um, Joy we aren't..." I trail off, not really sure what to do. "What I mean to say is we haven't and don't really plan on going, well, going there, not yet at any rate." The last words kind of tumble from my lips quickly and I stare down at Greyson's head, regretting not waking him up to answer his mother instead. Not that he'd explain anything, he'd probably allow her her assumptions, rather than let her in.

I can practically feel Joy's relief flood through her. "Oh, I see. Well, if or when you do, now we can avoid this conversation in the future, my duty has been fulfilled."

I laugh a little awkwardly. "Um, yes. Thanks, I think. For worrying I mean. For, um, the advice." Stop talking right now, I tell myself.

"It's what I'm here for, sweetie, to love you kids, to worry for you. Even if he can't see it, or appreciate it, I try to do what I can. He's just such a difficult boy to connect with, sometimes. He just shuts me out completely." She drifts off, sitting silently for a moment as she studies her son with a small frown.

I want to scream that he's not so difficult to connect with, that if she'd only try harder she could reach him. That if she wasn't so absorbed in her own life that she would see that. That he only pushes her away to test whether she'll fight for him. He's done the same with me after all. I don't say anything though, too conditioned to be polite to break through those habits and speak that way to an adult.

She looks back over at me, as if debating whether to continue. "It's been worse now, with Hugh leaving."

With her whispered admission, I feel the bubble of stress and secrets expand in my chest and I recognize this moment as a way to absolve some guilt over hiding the information I overheard, so I take the plunge and admit it all.

"Joy, I have to tell you something. I just want you to know that I know, I overhead you with Mom. I swear, I won't say anything. It's for you to tell, or whatever, but with Hugh gone, I just, well, thought you should know."

Joy's eyes widen in shock, then fill with sadness, and regret. "Oh, Elle. What you must think of me. Of Hugh. What pressure you must be under, keeping this secret."

"I don't think anything. Honestly, I would never judge, or assume to know anything about your life then. You don't need to say anything, I just wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you that you should tell him. He needs to know. Even if it hurts him. Even if he tries to push us all away. Nothing could ever change the way I feel about him, just so you know."

Her hand strokes over my hair, stopping on my cheek as she smiles tenderly. "Di and Linc really broke the mold with you sweet girl."

We sit quietly; I watch her as she watches her son, eyes filled with longing. "Elle, I think you should know, there's something about the way he is with you. He's so much more peaceful, at ease. I can't thank you enough for giving him that peace, or for helping him find it, I'm not sure which it is."

It's hard for me to fully understand that since I don't see him as a particularly peaceful person. But if this is an improvement, I'm not sure I would've been able to hold on to him before.

"I just want to make sure you know you're not responsible for him? For his actions." Her voice is soft, quiet. "If he doesn't find a way to speak to me soon, or to ask for help, I'll try to make the decision for him. He's so stubborn, so hard, though. I'm hoping he'll come to the realization himself before it comes down to a fight. It just seems we're always fighting these days."

I don't know what to say to her, I've only seen Hugh and Joy a few times this summer. Greyson hasn't spoken so much about either of his parents at all. I should have clued in sooner that something wasn't right at home when he basically spends every moment away from his cottage he could manage. Aside from Hugh's decision to leave.

"You're too polite to ask me anything about him, but he's been happier with you this summer than I've seen him in a long time. In spite of everything Elle, you've brought him some happiness this summer." She stands, taking the basket. "I'll just pop this into the fridge upstairs."

When Joy comes back, empty basket in hand, I thank her and tell her I'll send the containers home with Greyson later. She only clucks her tongue at me with a knowing smile, "Honey, I know he'll spend the night here, as he's done most nights, so you just get them home whenever and remember what I said. Don't mistake my intentional blindness to certain activities for stupidity."

She leans down, kissing the top of my head, then placing a light, barely there kiss to Greyson's, stroking her hand over his hair once more before getting into her boat and pulling away.

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Xx Toria