August 9

Mainland, Lake Joseph, Muskoka

Standing in the kitchen looking out over the screened-in porch, I watch my friends from a distance as they lounge quietly with Liam.

I wish we could stay like this, forever.

After Greyson moved over to Theo's, he'd still come back, sneaking into my cabin, curling me into him, kissing me until I was a bundle of raw, needy nerves. But still, he continued to pull away after a certain point, and I was nearly ready to scream my frustration to the world.

Yesterday morning, after what felt like only moments later, after my restless, sleepless night, we'd gotten a call first thing from Sam, who had been surprisingly happy to let us know Liam's move to the cottage had gone smoothly.

We'd come straight over. I can tell it's hurting Greyson and Ry, to see him here, knowing what it likely means. But I also haven't seen Liam happier, now that he's free from the hospital, comfortable and happy in the place he loves most.

It's an incredible emotional burden to deal with, and I constantly worry for Greyson, whose emotional control is shaky, at best, even on a good day. But so far, he seems sad but calm.

This morning I watched, and eventually helped where I could, as Paul and Jacqueline transformed their wide, glass-fronted living room overlooking the lake into a sanctuary. The night and day nurses, Sandra and Anne, are still giving us a bit of grief over our planned activities, but generally seem to tolerate our shenanigans well.

Sam will spend the rest of the summer here, and even now, I can see how she's glued to Liam's side nearly every minute, holding his hand, smiling at him, loving him. I watch her hold herself together for him and I've never admired anyone more.

Her strength and grace are something I will hold tightly to me forever. I wrap her serenity around me like a balm, drawing strength from her courage.

Last night, I suggested we include Liam and Sam in my annual bucket list to stay up all night, first watching the sunset then the sunrise this morning, and much to my delight, everyone had jumped on the idea.

So we stayed up on the boathouse roof all night, Sam and Liam curled together on the big bed we'd dragged out from the small boathouse guest cabin there. The rest of us snuggled into sleeping bags on the large sun loungers.

The night nurse, Sandra or Nurse Gloom as Theo's somewhat fondly established, had not been impressed hiking down from the cottage in the dark, but I'll charm her later with some fresh cookies and get her back on our side.

As usual, I'd spent a restless night in Greyson's arms, attuned to every shift of his body inadvertently touching mine in his sleep on the plush, double lounge chair we'd fallen asleep on. So, I'd crept down the main house to get a head start on breakfast.

It hadn't been long before Jacqueline had made her way in, then one by one the rest of the gang as we prepared.

Now, Jacqueline and I are working on breakfast together, which is oddly soothing. We're making pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausages and bagels as requested by the boys. We also have a massive fruit plate that I've just finished preparing.

I settle into the rhythm, watching her as she moves quickly around the kitchen, focused on making homemade bagels. Her eyes wander over to the porch frequently. We work in silence for now, both Jacqueline and Paul have been quieter than usual and I can only offer my understanding in return. Idle chit chat doesn't have a place here right now.

It's been this way since we got here yesterday morning, so I'm a little shocked when she settles her hands on my shoulders, looking down at me smiling, "Elle, sweetie, tell me how you and Greyson met."

After a moment of surprised silence, I explain our long family history, how he was my first kiss last summer. I skip the difficult parts of the year, glossing over to explain we'd started dating more seriously this summer.

Jacqueline smiles, sharing her own story with me in return. "I met Paul when I was just about your age, a year younger, maybe. We dated in Junior and Senior years."

I pepper her with questions, "How did you meet? Did you know right away it was true love?"

Her laughter floats over me, and I find myself relaxing in her presence, as she speaks quietly.

"Yes, I knew it was the real deal, but Paul, that was another story." As she continues, I find her story oddly reassuring, even though I know every story is different. It fills me with a sense of hope.

I take a leap and ask her about college, "Did you go together? Make the long distance thing work?"

When she shakes her head, I frown a little. "It wasn't always that simple, Elle. You see, it's a beautiful, but terrible thing to meet the man of your dreams when you're in highschool. You'll hold every man to that standard, fair or not. Meeting someone so young, is a time of firsts, it's all so much more exciting because of that. Ideally, you'd spread your firsts out across more than one relationship, but that wasn't the case for me, or Paul."

I'm shocked to learn they actually spent their college years apart, after dating for two years in highschool. I was even more impressed that their love lasted through the four years of dating other people, growing up and into the people they would become, separately.

"We ran into one another at the Club, some summer kick off party, or other. We'd only just graduated from our respective schools. Needless to say, the spark was still there, and we found our way back to one another. And for a while, we lived happily ever after."

I sigh over the romance of it all, but also try to imagine and understand the pain of their brief separation through university. Now, the unfairness of the situation that will destroy their happily ever after as they know it, as they've imagined it.

I watch as Paul comes into the kitchen, still dressed in pyjama bottoms and a sweater, rumpled with sleep. The first thing he does is kiss his wife, then wrap her in his arms to look over at their son. When Jacqueline brushes the tears from her cheeks, my heart clutches in my chest and I excuse myself for a moment, giving them a few minutes of privacy.

I press my hand over my mouth as I stand around the corner, feeling the crushing weight of the sad situation hit me like a brick. I've been able to maintain a near to constant flow of positivity through these past days, all summer really, but seeing Jacqueline and Paul like that, like they're trying to commit the sight of their son on the porch with his friends to memory has simply cracked the dam on my emotions.

I've been trying so hard to push everything back, so I can be there for my friends.

I breathe slowly, deeply, counting my breaths as I continue to bite my lip as hard as I can and blink quickly to stop the tears from falling. My forearm is banded across my ribs, trying to hold myself together. The pressure in my chest is building, forming a knot of tension that's hard to breathe around. I press my knuckles between my breasts, rubbing them hard up and down my sternum and breast bone.

Footsteps from around the corner make me jolt, and I panic a little more, just a little, when I see it's Greyson. His face instantly turns from curious to worried. Shit, I didn't want him to see me like this; I don't want him to worry. But I know if he tries to comfort me, I might lose it.

I try to smile at him, but even I can feel how wobbly it is. "Elle, what's wrong?" His voice is a soft whisper.

I put a hand on his chest when he walks over to me because I know that if he hugs me, I'll fall apart. "I'm fine, I promise. Please, just let me pull myself together, I don't want to cry and I will if you try to comfort me."

"Too bad." He yanks me into his arms, pulling my close, squeezing me, even as I try to push away when emotion clogs in my throat.

"Calm down, just let me hold you dammit." His hands run up and down my back as I still in his arms, trying to control my breathing to prevent the tears.

I'm not exactly sure how long we stand there, but eventually he pulls back, settles me back to my spot leaning against the wall before tucking in next to me.

"Breakfast seems to be ready. We've also convinced Nurse Doom to let Liam go out in the canoe with Ryan and I. You're on Nurse Gloom duty after last night." His voice is rough with emotion, but when he looks down at me, it's with a slight smile.

I look over, shocked at his abrupt announcement, but I realize that was his intention as the tight knot in my chest starts to release. I smile a little over the nicknames for the two very serious nurses. Trying to focus on his voice. "How on earth did you manage that?"

He laughs, and the knot of tension in my chest starts to dissolve. "Thank Theo. I think he has a future in hostage negotiation. I've never seen him be so diplomatic."

I press my knuckles harder to my chest, pushing, willing the remaining tension to release.

Greyson leans towards me, gripping my wrist and tugging it away from my chest. "You'll give yourself bruises, Elle. Stop. Just breathe in, focus on me. Now out." He counts quietly, thumb stroking over my wrist gently, while he matches his breathing to mine. A sense of calm settles over me slowly. I turn and lean into him, taking comfort from him willingly now that I'm not so close to the edge.

After a moment he shifts, nudging me back. "All set?"

"Yeah, just got a bit overwhelmed by Jacqueline and Paul. I'm fine now, thanks."

His hand slides over my hair, tugging my braid gently. "Sure." He tips my face up to his for a soft kiss. "Will you tell me if you feel like that again? I feel it too, sometimes. More often than not lately."

"I will, if you agree to do the same. Okay?"

He nods, leading us back through the kitchen and I pull myself the rest of the way together as we head out to the porch for a big family breakfast.

Later, when we head down to the dock, Liam is practically bouncing with excitement. For the first time in a year, he isn't hooked up to some kind of machine. With strict instructions from the Nurse on when Liam needs to be back for his meds, the boys are ready to head out. It takes Theo, Hudson, Ryan and Greyson to stabilize the canoe, and help Liam in. Even though Liam's energy levels are good, his strength and coordination aren't what they once were. Finally, Greyson and Ryan climb in and I untie the loose bow line.

Sam hands down some bottled water, and a large brimmed Tilley hat that Liam's promised to wear. They also take a small cooler of fruit and sandwiches with them. Liam grins up at her and dips his hand in the water off the side of the boat, closing his eyes in pleasure.

I watch my boys paddle out, Theo and Hudson following in the two kayaks. Sitting with Sam on the dock, I wrap my arm around her shoulders. After a moment, I'm surprised to feel her shaking.

Looking over at her, I see tears streaming down her cheeks and her breath starts to hitch. She clamps her hand over her mouth and I pull her closer, rubbing her back.

It's the first time I've seen her cry more than a few silent tears, and this time it's surely the dam that's broken. The reality of the situation seems to be creeping up on everyone. I hold her in my arms, rocking her, speaking softly. There is nothing I can say to make her feel better, so I just murmur to her, showing support in any way I can. A short while later, I'm crying with her, too emotionally fried to control my own response this time.

I don't know how long we sit like this, but she finally quiets, her head resting on my shoulder. I pull her to her feet and we move to the large two person lounger. Lying down next to her, I take her hand, resting silently beside her.

Eventually, I get her to drink some water, eat some fruit and half a sandwich. She drifts to sleep in the sun, dozing as I play with her hair. I stay on my side, watching her, wondering how she bears it all. Wondering how much more she'll have to bear.

What feels like hours later, I hear laughter from the distance, so I wake Sam up, giving her the chance to splash her face with water. She's calm and composed by the time the boys paddle back around and we both smile at the hoots and heckling happening between them. Liam is glowing with happiness, paddling lightly alongside Ryan and Greyson.

Liam tells Sam all about the tour they'd done, Ryan and Greyson are gleaming with sweat. It's hot today and I can see Liam looking longingly at the water. "Think we can accidentally dump the canoe?" His voice is hopeful, and he emphasizes the word 'accidentally' very mischievously.

I guess someone needs to be the voice of reason. We'd had strict instructions not to mess with the closed IV access or get his hand and arm wet. "I think if we did that, Nurses D and G would probably veto these adventures all together. We'll have to ask if there's something they can do to keep his hand and IV access clean while swimming."

He sighs, looking out at the water longingly, "You're probably right."

Greyson doesn't say anything, but he looks up at me and his eyes are sad. I see a look of determination and stubbornness flash through them. He steps out of the canoe carefully and wraps Liam's arm around his neck, the one with the IV access. He hooks his other arm under Liam's knees, then lifts him from the canoe, lowering into the water, keeping his shoulders above the surface and Liam's hand dry.

"Well, isn't this romantic," Liam teases his friend. "I can manage to swim on my own, Grey, and keep my hand out of the water."

Greyson flushes slightly, moving to let go quickly, but Liam stops him, wrapping him up in a tight hug.

My eyes fill with tears, but Sam walks into the water, floating beside them as Greyson releases his friend. Theo and Ryan also slide into the water, but Hudson comes to stand with me, wrapping one arm around my neck from behind, stretching his forearm across my collarbones and resting his chin on the top of my head.

"Now would sure be a good time for that little camera of yours to make an appearance, Ellie." He kisses my temple, then walks into the water to join our friends, careful to keep his bandaged cheek above the water.

I take pictures like our lives depend on it. I use my Polaroid for a while, then my mum's camera. If memories are all we'll get, then I'd better capture them all.

- - -

Who else is getting a little teary-eyed at the softer side of Greyson that's creeping out from behind his insecurity and loneliness? I know I am. 

As I get closer to planning the end of my story, I find I'm getting more emotional! Not quite ready for this journey to end!

Thanks to everyone who's joined me so far, I hope you'll stay tuned, I've got some great things in store for the next chapters.

Hope to see you in the comments, and please, don't forget to vote if you love the story so far.

Xx Toria