June 13

Port Carling, Muskoka

"What's so special about this girl, Grey? I've never seen you like this."

I don't blame him for his confusion. Of course he's never seen me like this, there's only one Elle. I didn't really care about the girls I'd dated, just like they hadn't really cared about me. They're the ones he'd seen me with.

I've spent the day with Ry, giving Elle some space after our unplanned encounter at the cliffs. I'd rushed her, forcing us back into our old habits. That shit won't get me anywhere.

Sometimes it feels like she's the Sun, and it's all I can do to resist that gravitational pull. Well, if she's the Sun, then I guess that makes me Saturn. A cold metal heart at the core, surrounded by shields of rock and ice. Just like the planet and its rings.

Bringing my driver down with a smooth whoosh, I shank my golf ball straight down the fairway, watching it as it arcs perfectly before landing a few yards short of the green. I bend and collect my tee before turning to Ry.

"She's the best person I know. She's everything I'm not, but she loves me anyway. Loved me, at least."

I wonder if she would still deny me her love as a friend too, will she? It's probably what I deserve after our brief romance went down in flames. I lit the match, after all.

I don't know why I'm telling Ry this shit, I guess it's because I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm not normally a sharer.

But with everything Ry and I have been through together, it's hard to keep the walls up between us. I'm so tired, I'm not even sure I remember why it's so important that they stay up.

All I know is that time moves differently when you cut yourself off from the people who love you. I'm just so angry all the time, I'd rather be cold and distant than hurt someone close to me. I'd learned how much pain a loved one can cause you when they lash out at you. Better to keep everyone at arm's length until I figure out what to do with all this rage inside me.

It's like swimming upstream, against the current, with an anchor wrapped around your legs. I'm exhausted from the effort.

Tossing my driver back into my golf bag, I watch Ry tee up before he swings, sending his golf ball sailing down the fairway. I whistle, impressed as his ball lands on the rough just beside the green.

I'm not really a golf guy, but Ry is. If you can do it at the country club, he'll be there with bells on. We couldn't be more different. I wonder why he's friends with me, sometimes.

But he is. Ry's got more sticking power than superglue.

Considering my alternative is hanging at home, however, I'll take the golf. Even if it means dragging my ass here at the butt crack of dawn. Dad's so wrapped up in work right now, I doubt he'd notice if I was gone for a week. Mum's around here somewhere, lunching with her perfect friends, who have perfect kids. Unlike me, the proverbial black sheep.

We played the back nine this morning, then looped around to play the full eighteen again. Ry's practicing for his pro card, and I'm just the sucker he's dragged along. I know he'll crush me, it's almost not worth keeping score.

Tossing Ry a Gatorade from the pocket of my golf bag, I uncap one for myself and take a long drink. We're on the sixteenth hole, two more to go before we can find relief from the surprising early summer heatwave. Sweat rolls down my spine, drips from my neck. Ry's sweating even more than I am.

I prefer more extreme physical sports; Hockey and boxing, to be specific. I like the sports for different reasons, but I'm a natural brawler both on ice and off. The white scars on my knuckles prove it, as does my now slightly crooked nose. Pain and adrenaline remind me I'm capable of feeling something, anything.

"If she's so perfect, what happened? Weren't you together?"

"I happened." I shoulder my bag, waiting for Ry. We walk in the direction our balls flew, not in any particular rush since we'd already caught up to the foursome ahead of us. They're slow, more into the drinking than the golfing.

"Seriously? That's all I get? Give me a minute while I spark up my rusty psychic powers so I can try to understand your fucked up mind."

"You're such an ass, Ry. Do you want to talk about our feelings? Maybe I can paint your nails later, too?"

"Fuck off, Grey. Look, just because you act like you don't give a shit about anything, doesn't mean I have to. I've got no issues talking about my feelings, or yours. But if you intend to mope about her all summer, or put me through your self-inflicted tortured soul routine, I'm entitled to details."

I guess he has a point. I chip my ball up from the fairway, watching as it rolls to stop just before the hole.

"There isn't much more to it than that. She was all stars-in-her-eyes last summer. Hell, I put them there. And I was a raw nerve, exposed, just a little out of control. She was only just discovering everything she could give, and I'd already found my upper limit. So I walked away. I didn't deserve her."

I don't deserve her.

"That sounds like bullshit to me. You put those limits on yourself, brother. Either break them down, or get help to do it."

Great, now even my friend wants me to get shrinked. Wasn't it enough that my parents try to force that shit on me?

"Just shut up and play."

Ry sinks his putt the first try.

"Do you love her?"

"That's not an easy answer. Sure, I guess I love her in a bunch of ways. As a friend, sometimes like family, which feels fucked up. The lines are too blurry. I can't tell the difference."

Do I want to tell the difference? Do I care? No. I guess that's fucked up too.

Dropping my ball back down by my marker, I sink my last putt and write the score down. As usual, Ry's winning, so he's likely buying lunch. At least he's a gracious winner like that, otherwise I'd be broke.

"I guess she feels the same, then? Well with a big layer of what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-Grey added to that." Ry grins wolfishly at me. "I don't envy you, that's for sure. But if you have that history, don't you owe it to yourselves to try to fix it? At the end of the day, you need to re-stabilize the foundation, anyway. Otherwise what kind of friendship would you be left with?"

Ry leans heavily on his putter. "At the very least, you do owe her, and yourself an apology. Then, let her make her own choices. That way you can ditch the dead weight of regret, or whatever else weighs you down."

Deep down, I know Elle will never stop loving me, not completely. We have too much history, too many memories. Even if she only loves me as a friend, I'll take it. I'll take anything she has left to give me right now.

"When did you become such an expert?"

"Sarah started dating this year, I've had a lot of practice talking about boys, teenage girl stuff and their dizzyingly complex feelings. I don't understand how such small packages can have so much stuff buzzing around inside." He waves his hand in the air. "Like where doesn it all stay put? How do they keep it straight? Just another mysterious female power, I guess."

I bark out a loud laugh at that. I can't imagine his little sister dating, "Isn't she like twelve?" Guess that officially makes Ry the world's greatest brother if he can talk about it with a cool head and kind heart.

"She'll be fifteen next week."

I feel my eyes pop wide and my jaw drop. "No shit?"

"No shit."

All I know is that I'm glad I don't have a baby sister, especially at one of the girls' schools. Of course I worried, and still worry about Tess, but it's different, somehow.

Knowing what I know about what teenage boys do, and think. I wouldn't be able to stand a kid sister diving into the world of high school dating, peer pressure and expectation.

Stand it? Fuck, who am I kidding? I'd be nuclear.

"Looks like the boozers have moved on to eighteen. Bet you can't drive it all the way to the green this time."

"You're on Grey. Go ahead, losers first."

Losers first, indeed. An hour later, we're sitting on the deck of the club restaurant. I slide my Wayfarers down to look out over the water.

Ry and I are waiting for our burgers, shooting the breeze.

"Now that you have my undivided attention after I whooped your ass, I have some questions."

I groan. If I knew that talking to Ry about Elle would mean I have to keep talking about her, I never would have started down this path in the first place.

"I'll give you three questions. Then I'm done."

"You'll give me as many questions as I need, asshole. Unless you don't want to hear what else I know."

Curiosity gets the best of me, but I wait until the waitress drops our food and drinks off before speaking.

"Give me a hint, then I'll decide." No way he gets unlimited questions without context.

He squirts ketchup on his bun before slapping it down onto the double patty. "Starts with a C, ends in total bitch."

There is only one girl Ry would ever refer to that way. Chiara. Fuck. I should have known she'd be up here this summer too.

"Fire away." I take a long sip of my Coke, wishing it was a beer.

"That's what I thought." Ry's smirk makes me grind my teeth. Tension builds as I wait for the first question.

Munching on fries, he watches me as he asks, "Why are you so sure you need to, for lack of a better word, protect Elle from yourself? Is she unable to think? Is she incapable of making her own decisions?" He tips his chair back and takes a pull of his Coke.

I want to kick the leg of his chair out from under him, wipe that smug smile off his face. But I don't.

I know exactly where Ry is heading and I don't like it one bit. I've always looked out for and protected Elle, it's practically second nature. I'll always look out for her, protect her, even if that means from myself. Even if it meant hurting her to protect her.

I stare evenly at my friend before asking, "Would you let your sister near me?"

"Hell no. At least not until she was forty or something."

"Is Sarah incapable of making her own choices?" I take a massive bite of my burger and raise my eyebrow at Ry. I pop a few french fries into my mouth and lean back, chewing slowly.

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Fine, fair point. I'll give you that one. But I still think it's wrong to make decisions on someone else's behalf, especially when you were already involved at the time."

Not wanting to admit he might be right, I continue eating my burger waiting for his next question.

"Do you even know what you want from her?"

I shrug. "Sort of," I mutter. Planning has never been my strong suit. I'm an impulse guy. I like to live in the moment, it's comfortable there.

Liar. My mind rebels against my forced indifference and everything I want from her crashes through me like a tidal wave. Picture after picture of her pop into my mind. I can barely separate memory from fantasy, considering how many times I've thought of her over the past year.

"That's it?" His raised eyebrow seems extra judgemental this time.

"What do you want me to say? That I want to take her on long walks through the forest or on the beach, share sunset ice creams, and hold her hand? I'm not that guy, Ry. Never have been, never will be."

"Does she want those things?"

I shrug. "Probably. She knows who I am, Ry."

"Have you even asked her what she wants? Or did you just decide you know better? You're supposed to change and shit for the people you love, and sometimes even people you only like. At least that's what my parents say. Can't say I've got any first hand experience there, but it sounds reasonable. Not that you do reasonable particularly well."

Maybe Ry's perfect parents say that, talk to him and Sarah about it. I doubt my parents have ever thought about talking to Tess and I like that.

I'm not even sure my parents have a good relationship, they love one another and all that, I guess. Dad's out entertaining for work all the time, Mum avoids being home alone too much by over engaging in her societies and charities. It was mostly just Tess and I, and our housekeeper, Maria, growing up.

Hell, Maria still takes more of an interest in me than either of my parents. She comes to every single hockey game.

I'd also noticed Elle didn't miss a game. Even though I knew she'd been there for Hud, part of me liked to fantasize she'd come for me. Sometimes I think she did, considering Hud was only a Sophomore, and even though he was a great player, he didn't get a ton of ice time, at least not at the start of the season. So, earlier in the year, I could easily imagine that Elle was there to cheer me on. The illusion became harder to hold onto as Hud gained more time on the ice.

My parents, on the other hand, didn't make it to one game last season. But I'd heard all about how I have to do better anyways from my dad.

Then, this year, Dad changed. He'd been on me all year, nothing I did was good enough. I'd done everything in my power to stay away, to keep my distance. Something had snapped inside him with Tess' departure for school. Thankfully, he was too much of a workaholic to focus entirely on me.

With Tess abroad, not that I resent her for leaving, hell, I nearly forced her to go. But I'm more alone than ever. And now, with Liam, I just feel like I'm drowning and there's no one to throw me a life ring.

I need to find my way back to my friends, to Elle. Permanently. I don't like who I am with my friends from the past year.

Hud and Theo will accept me back, it's the nature of the guys. They've already started to shrug off my strange behaviour from the past year without question. They don't hold grudges. Although Hud might, since I'd been an ass to Elle, so if she's told him, then yeah, maybe he'll hold a grudge.

Shrugging off my bleak thoughts, I turn to look at my friend. "I'll figure it out, Ry. Enough with the questions. Tell me what you know about Chiara."

- - -

I don't know about you but I love a strong male friendship. Far too often, I think men's relationships stay very shallow in literature. 

I hope you'll join me in the comments to let me know what you think of my characters throughout their story. If you like what you've read so far, let me know with a  comment, or consider voting!

On a completely different note: If like me, you love a good story of male friendship and love, then you should check out A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.  It's one of my all-time favourite books.

Xx Toria