July 9

Loon Call Island, Lake Rosseau, Muskoka

"Hello?" A deep-ish male voice answers the phone, and I recognize it as Hud's immediately. Did I call him by mistake?

I look down and see that no, I've dialed Elle's number. "Hud?"

"Hey, G-man. What's up?" I hear him take a big crunching bite of something.

"Uhh... not much. I'm looking for Elle. She around?"

"She's in the hot tub, not sure I'll get her out. Just come by and hang with us. Yeah?"

"Sure." Even as I agree to head over, hanging up on Hud, apprehension worms its way into my gut. I've only spoken to Elle on the phone since our argument, and she'd made it clear she didn't want to talk about it at work. I've been edgy, restless, waiting for her to speak to me. Even Ry can barely stand to be around me anymore.

Jumping in my boat, I steer it around the point and pull up a couple minutes later. I hear Hud's laughter and a long, blissful, very exaggerated sigh of pleasure from Elle. The sound sets me on edge, but as I walk around the grove of trees, I relax. Elle is floating on her back in the hot tub, and Hud is tossing grapes at her, the odd one missing her mouth to splash in the hot water. Elle fishes them out, throwing them into the woods.

The golden light of the sunset casts a glowing light across the scene, fading sunlight dappling through the trees.

"Slow down, Hudson, I can't chew that fast." Her giggle bursts out when he rapidly fires five grapes at her, so she has to dodge the little missiles after she catches the first one in her mouth. Squealing, she jerks upright, standing in the water.

I stop in my tracks when I see three large purpling bruises on her pale skin. I walk towards them quickly, looking her up and down.

"What the fuck happened to you, Elle? Hud, did you have an accident skiing or on the tramp doing tricks?"

Elle starts at the sound of my voice, turning to me, then looking down at herself. "Greyson, hi," her smile is so surprised, happy, but also a bit uncertain when she spots me. She continues quickly, "No, no, nothing like that. I took a fall at the horse show, it's no big deal. Hudson will tell you, even the medics said so."

I frown at her, looks like a big deal to me. As I reach the hot tub's side, I circle my finger in the air, signaling her to turn around. Rolling her eyes at me, she does a slow spin, and I take in the damage. A large angry bruise spreads across the span of her left ribs, a smaller, darker bruise sits on her hip bone, and a third large bruise covers the back one shoulder, but it's a lighter shade of blue-green than the others.

"Ouch." I tug her to me, not caring that Hud's there, and I drop a kiss to each bruise lightly. She gasps when my lips touch the soft skin of her hip bone, but I'm already stepping back.

Hud clears his throat, and I turn my attention to him. "Paramedics gave her the all-clear, really. Common sense stuff, no crazy activities, ice, bruise cream. Give it a week or two, no concerns."

I hate the sight of the bruises on her skin, but I nod and strip my shirt off, so I'm only wearing my board shorts. "Mind if I join you guys?"

Hud sets the large bowl of grapes on the table beside the tub and leaps over the edge in one swing, "Course not, jump in!" Not waiting for Elle's answer, I climb in.

"Shit, that's hot." It's like twenty-eight degrees outside, and the hot water feels nice, but I know I'll only be able to sit here for a short while.

Elle floats on her back between Hudson and me, and he spins her by her ankle, sending her in small circles, rocking a little in the bubbly water.

"You should have seen her, Grey. It was her first time doing the higher class, every horse hesitating at that water jump, no one knowing why. She barely made it over in round one but pulls it together and finishes, qualifying for the jump off."

I listen intently, I don't know much about the horse stuff Elle's into, but I've been to the barn with her several times over the course of our childhoods. I've ridden with her at her Grandma's farm, if you can call being led around the paddock by her riding, that is. It's nice though, cool that she's so into it.

When Hud laughs, I refocus on him. "Then, Elle goes flying, launching like a freaking rocket from Kuna's back but like, snaps back when she gets caught in the reins, body slamming into the jump." He smacks his hand down on the water. "She rolls away from the jump quickly though, and we're all like shit, no hold still, let the medics come to check you out, but she stands, trying to grab Kuna right away, but he's freaking out, knocks her back down. Then this fat ugly snake slithers out, right over her boot, although none of us saw it, you can imagine her face."

Even I shudder a little at that thought. Elle rolls her eyes, munching on the grapes from the bowl she's now resting on her floating belly. Smiling, I tug her over and snag a few for myself, stroking my thumb lightly over her ankle, keeping her close.

"We catch Kuna, I toss her back up to ride out, our tough little princess here refuses to walk out of the ring, she'll only ride. Then animal control has to come to remove that freaking snake. Elle probably would have been in the ribbons, the first time in that class, too, if she hadn't had to wrangle snakes in addition to the riding."

"Sounds like quite a day." Elle remains quiet as I stroke her ankle with my thumb, so I turn my attention to Hud.

"How did your practice match go?" I'm curious, but I've never really talked to Hud about his foray into the equestrian sport.

His surprised look makes me feel a bit like a dick, and I'm reminded once more that it wasn't only Elle I'd pulled away from over the past year. Despite my attending the same school as Hud and Theo, seeing them nearly every day, I hadn't really connected with them.

My chest tightens, and I feel a bit... sad, as I realize I've basically lost a year with my friends, with her.

I listen intently, determined to be a better friend.

"I ride this pony named Peanut, he's great, so quick and agile, sometimes he knows where I want to go before I do."

Aren't ponies small? How the fuck does someone Hud's size ride a pony? I feel like I remember Elle having some as a kid, in different sizes and stuff. I don't want to look like an idiot, though, so I'll ask Elle later.

"Have you played a proper match yet?" The things I know about polo can be counted on less than one hand.

Hud shrugs and shakes his head, "Not yet, only practice and off-season matches. I'll aim to be in next summer's full season." 

His voice is wistful like he feels a bit left out, but Elle throws a grape at him, smiling.

"And you will be, Hud. You're a natural, you've got a great seat, and wicked aim. You scored three goals yourself last practice. Just give it time."

Hud's smile spreads across his face at her encouragement. "I had a good teacher," he teases as he snags some grapes from the bowl.

I find myself grinning as Hud launches into a story from when Elle took him riding for the first time. 

"Get this, Kuna was jealous. He's all nuzzles, cuddles, and kisses for Elle, then chomps and stomps for me. It took half a kilo of carrots to win him over. And I still fell off a dozen times in the first week."

Elle laughs and runs her hands through the water, steering herself to rest her head on his bent knees, her feet resting on my lap.

"Let's face it, Hudson, you weren't exactly the most patient of students. You practically wanted to go from zero to cowboy on day one. Luckily, Kuna is patient and only dumped you on your butt a couple times." She looks backward up at Hud and grins. "I'd have dumped you way more often if I were him."

Hud drops his knees and pushes Elle's head under playfully. She surfaces quickly, legs flying up and nearly kicking me in the chin in the process. I dodge a heel to my cheek, barely.

I grab her thighs, yanking her closer to me, then her elbows so I can pull her upright before she can do any real damage, Hud's laughing as he collects the grapes from the water, tossing them into the forest.

"I'd like to meet Kuna sometime," I let the idea hang in the open for her, not pushing. I'd also like to watch her compete and maybe see one of Hud's practices or matches.

Hud's laughter barks out, surprised. "Yeah, I bet the little monster would love that. Imagine he was jealous of me, just wait till he gets a load of you."

"Unlike you, Pal, I won't try to ride him. I'll only feed him." I'm no sucker.

"Of course you can come to meet him, Greyson. He'll be a perfect gentleman. Unlike my other, supposed, best friend who prefers to drown me than hear the truth, which is distinctly ungentlemanly."

With a slightly apologetic smile, Hud holds up his hands in surrender.

Elle lets me help her down from the hot tub, but withdraws again as soon as we head inside. She retreats to Hud's cabin and closes the bathroom door, practically in my face.

Hud tosses me a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt, so I strip, hang my wet boardshorts on the rail, and drag on the soft dry clothes. He does the same, and we head up to the main cottage, flopping down on the sofa and waiting for Elle.

Hud's steady, patient stare finally cracks me.

"I suppose you've got something to say about all this, don't you, Hud?"

Hud sighs, "Fair warning, brother, I'm always going to be on her side of things, even though I love you."

I figured as much. "Wasn't expecting anything different." It still stings, hearing it out loud.

"Why did you do it? Why did you treat her that way last year?" Hud sits up and turns to face me, resting his elbows on his knees.

My mind drifts as I really think about my actions of the past year. Truth be told, if Brodie had been here, he probably would have kicked my ass back into the group himself.

"I'm not even sure why I walked away in the first place," frustration and regret roll through me. "It started with Elle, then in my efforts to steer clear of her, I steered clear of everyone. I didn't even know it was happening until it felt too late."

"You know that's not how it works, Grey, not with any of us. We're always here for one another. No matter what."

"It's different, she's the core, and I hurt her. I don't deserve her. I didn't then, I don't now. But this time, I just can't stay away. She's like water in the desert for me, sometimes I feel like she might be my only chance to love, to be loved."

I look up into Hud's worried eyes but drop my gaze quickly when he sighs. "That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, Grey. Be careful, she might just try to live up to that."

"I made her certain promises this summer, that I'm not sure I can keep. I promised to let her in, but what if she doesn't like what's inside?" Looking at her now, I'm filled with a sense of longing, desperation. I've promised to let her in more, that I'll try not to hurt her again.

And I will. Try, that is. My sister's words float back to me; it can't be only one person winning in a relationship, and I try to think about why Elle wants to be with me, but I draw a blank.

"Why do you think she puts up with me?" I look back up at Hud, waiting to see if he'll answer.

Part of me fears to scratch too hard at the surface of that question, worried she'll realize there isn't much more to me than what she can see. I haven't even tried to let her in like I'd promised a few weeks ago, not really. What hope do I have of holding onto her if I don't?

When he's silent, I continue, "I mean, come on. I'm not gentle, patient, or even particularly kind, like you. I'm not steady, calm, and reliable like Brodie, and I'm not overtly romantic, dashing, or protective like Theo. I'm like a raw nerve, exposed, edgy, restless, and unpredictable."

The uncertain look in Elle's eyes earlier makes me want to try to be all of these things though. For her.

Hud surprises me when he does speak again, "You're her hero, you always have been. You're an ass, don't get me wrong, but in the beginning, you were there for her, you were everything she ever needed you to be. That's some pretty powerful history. I used to envy you her trust, the fact that she always ran to you first when she was scared or upset or excited."

It surprises me to hear Hud say this, considering how close he and Elle are, have always been.

"On one level, Grey, I can selfishly say that you pulling away was the best thing you ever did for my friendship with her, but I don't think you understand when that started happening."

Even as his words make me angry, I'm also confused. Before I can say anything, he continues.

"It wasn't last summer, not like you remember. It was years ago. It started with small things; you didn't really tolerate anyone around you getting too close or touching you. You pushed us all away. You became a shallower version of yourself, closed off. Sure, you might have let her in for a moment last summer, but you were probably so out of practice you panicked, and went back to your default setting: moody asshole."

It doesn't take long for his words to hit home. He's right. I guess I've been learning from my dad longer than I realized. He's the expert at keeping people at a distance unless he wants it otherwise. "What should I do?"

Hud looks over at me, "I can't answer that for you. If you made her promises, then find a way to keep them, or don't, but don't mess around with her if you can't keep those promises. And for fuck's sake, you can't keep going back and forth. Decide, stick to it."

I look up when I hear the screen door slide open and watch to see what she'll do. For a moment, Elle stands in the doorway, holding her small bag and shoes. I wonder if she plans to spend the night here, and I wonder how I'll manage to talk to her alone.

"Greyson, would you mind giving me a ride home?"

Relief floods through me, and I nod, slapping Hud on the shoulder with a squeeze before I walk towards her.

She hands me her things, and I can see she has my swimsuit stuffed in her bag as well. "I'll be right there, meet you at the boat. Hud, I'll drop the clothes off another time."

"Whatever, man. No stress. Catch you later."

I leave her with Hud, to say goodbye, or whatever she needs to say to him, ask what she needs to ask. I have no illusions there, she tells him everything, after all. But I wonder what his advice would be if she asked him for it. Would it be to hold tight, or to let go?

Despite the pangs of jealousy and desperation I feel at the thought, I'm simply grateful to have the chance to talk to her, and I won't take it for granted.

But she surprises me again when she jumps out of the boat as I approach her dock. "Pick me up tomorrow?"

"Can I come up, Elle? Just to talk."

When she shakes her head at me, a sinking feeling lands in my gut.

"Not tonight, Greyson. I have things to prepare for tomorrow. I know you're frustrated but can we talk tomorrow? Mom and Dad are heading to the city, so you can come by later in the evening, we'll be alone and we can talk."

"Sure. I'll pick you up at eight tomorrow morning, okay? I'm driving us down."

"That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow, goodnight, Greyson."

"Night."

I watch her walk up the hill, hear the sliding door as her dad steps onto the deck to wave down at me.

Waving back, I reverse, gunning the engine around the point to settle in for another lonely night.

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Xx Toria