I say goodbye to my temporary lecturers and leave the university with my friend. feeling of the gratitude fills my heart, not only more knowledge this course gave me chance to meet Zhan again too. 

"so it's the last day" he sadly tells and eyes me "what about you romeo?" 

"don't tease me" i pout and hit his shoulder "sadly my Juliet is still unaware about my feelings"

"you have to decide Yibo, we're leaving tomorrow"

"if he likes me too..."

"your home is not very far from here, takes about three hours by car. you can somehow manage to meet each-other, sometimes long-distance love is really exciting"

"right" i nod "but..."

"i'll be honest Yibo, if you confess Zhan surely won't hate you but... about your friendship supposedly it won't remain the same.  the awkwardness, it gonna bother you both. do what your heart tells"

acting like best friend, lying to him and myself too. silently receiving his pure friendly love, when my body burns from the strong desire. feeling like this am i able to keep being just his close friend? i don't think so...

*****

reaching to Zhan's dorm, i slowly walk up on the stairs scared of our possible talk. hearing loud music sound my fist tightens from anger and rush in but the view isn't like that, what i was expecting. Zhan is sitting at his table quietly and i realize voices was coming from the other room. cursing myself for doubting him i move closer and peek, being curious what he is doing. totally concentrated he looks down at the math problems and nervously chews on the pen. having hard time, his lips pouts and taps feet on the floor. 

noticing he has earphones on, to not be disturbed i lean down and whisper at his ear "i love you gege"  Zhan feels my breath and turns his face back, as my lips touches his cheek. i blush and move back, he just widely smiles and signs to sit down

"you're back, how was your last day at the uni?"

"very nice, i didn't want to leave"

"what about me?" he cutely pokes his cheeks and first time i realize that Zhan has almost invisible dimples. like bunny teeth wasn't enough to make him adorable, now this too? "will you miss me?"

"neighbors" i'm quickly changing the talking subject  "didn't they call you?"

"you mean the ones having party? mn, they did but i imagined your angry face and you know? it scared me"

"don't play victim" i laugh and gently hit the tip of his nose, the feeling of saving someone's life,  especially very beloved one, i can't express how enjoyable it is "do you need my help?"

"mn" he nods and leans cheek on his palm, like before... i explain and he listens with interest, after a while Zhan starts yawning and his head almost hits the table. i'm fast to put my hand under it and he smiles feeling warm pillow. before i covered his body with warm blanket but now... i proudly smile and lift him up, taking Zhan in my arms "i amn't little anymore, i can take good  care of you"

placing him on the bed, i lay down too keeping our bodies close. feeling my soft touches on his face Zhan opens eyes and smiles 

"i fell asleep again no? not my fault, math is too boring"

"mn, right" actually i love math, but i love you more gege

"do you have something to say" he asks and i can notice Zhan is feeling quite uncomfy, does my stare scares him? was i too obvious?"

"why do you ask?"

"i just got feeling"

maybe this is my last chance, he is here so ready to listen. i have to take a risk, i have

"if someone" i start and try to hide my shaking hands "falls in love with..."

"i knew it" he laughs "you need my advise, Bo di is in love"

"with best friend?"

......  "is that so?"

"what do you think, he should confess or not?"

Zhan pauses again and then lowly says "isn't finding out the truth better than being in constant confusion?"

"even that friend is a man too?"

he freezes and keeps looking into my eyes for a while, i can hear my heart beating and tightly hold sheets to not break from too strong emotions. slightly moving back, i can notice his every little movements, Zhan awkwardly smiles and clears his throat 

"this isn't funny at all Yibo"

"do i look like kidding?"

the way expressions on his face changes makes me feel too uneasy and scared. from surprise to shock, upset, sadness, pity, guilt, pain but not hesitation, even just for one second he didn't consider giving me the chance 

"Yibo" he says with shaking voice and chases my face, but i move back avoiding his touch

"You won't even let me...to do this anymore?"

"You don't love me" i whisper and tears drops from my eyes, did i really have any hopes? When did he even give it to me?

"Sure i do. Sure i love you"

"But not the way i want it"

"It's my fault" Zhan's chin trembles as tears forms in his eyes too "it's me who made you misunderstand, with my teasing touches, sweet words, it's me who made your lovely heart move. But Yibo you're too young, maybe this feelings..."

"you still see me as kid no?"

"you're... my little precious friend"

"i amn't little anymore, it's just you can't see it. you don't care"

"Yibo"

"my love... It can't be fit in friendship anymore gege"  i sit up to leave the bed, but he catches my wrist and begs

"Please think more, like before you just got used to me. I know this time we're much closer but..."

"Not fucking teach me about my feelings" i yell and push him back, Zhan eyes widens and finally i can see how much he suffers too. The look full of desperation tells me how precious i'm for him, how much he fears to lose me forever. Leaving him behind i rush into bathroom and turn on water, falling down on the floor, i  sob loudly hating myself more and more. Why am i angry? What did Zhan even do wrong? Can he force himself to love me? To see me as a desired man? Why the hell i made him this miserable, wasn't me enough to suffer? i regret, i regret too much, but only cause of him.

After a while i come back and my heart breaks seeing Zhan who hugs his knees and shakes with whole body. He is too little, too weak, too soft, i lay down and tightly hug him from behind, slightly touching his neck with my lips. Zhan shivers but stays still, he knows we both need this now, he knows from tomorrow we won't be able to hug or touch each-other like this, he knows nothing can be like before. He takes my hand and blows on it, placing on his chest

"You're cold but does gege still feels warm for you? I'm sorry for not... Loving you"

"And... I'm sorry for loving you gege"

*****

We stand in front of each-other and don't know what to say. Zhan looks at my luggage and nervously cracks his fingers

"Did you take the pill? You can't handle long time driving"

"Mn, i did"

"Gloves? Do you..."

"Mn" i wave my hands in front of his face "i wear what you gifted me"

Little smile curves his lips up and i feel too sorry again. Why his pain hurts me more than my own?

"I amn't upset, i don't hate you and i'll never able to. Still for now i can't really be your friend anymore Zhan, the last days i realize it's impossible to handle being this close and not getting more from you. Let's not erase the sweet memories by awkwardness between us" i say and shake his hand "but..."

"But?"

"It we meet again in the future, when i'm already grown up man and not kid anymore, when i'm stronger and more confident" i move closer and deeply look into his eyes "if you won't run away immediately from me, i'll try my best to make you love me and to hold into you forever"

he stays silent and Imn't waiting for Zhan's answer too, we both trying to hold our tears and smile, not for us but for each-other. lastly caressing  his hand i get in the car and look back until the silhouette of tall, slim boy fully disappears. Looking out I realize it isn't snowing anymore and sadly smile "are you sad too, cause of our separation? Don't worry we gonna meet again and wish you accompany me again"

Next, last meeting gonna be Zhan's POV. Cause it's his time to fall in love 🥰 what is your opinions? I can't say was this chapter emotional or not 😅