AUTHOR'S NOTE:

- Thank you Gemma for today's cute cover art - I think this expression definitely suits Ash's dramatics in this chapter ;)

- This week I hit 500 sales on Reasons To Love A Nerd Like Me - eeek! Thank you SO much to everyone who has downloaded a copy, it really means so much. I have been thinking of ways to reward paying fans and I am toying with the idea of an email exchange with your favourite character as a bonus reward. What do people think about that idea? It's forming in the back of my mind so watch this space...!

- The reason I am thinking of bonuses for paying readers is because I am now offering  free copies of Reasons To Love A Nerd Like Me out in return for a Goodreads review. Having reviews is really important for me and helps my Amazon sales a heck of a lot so if anyone is willing to help me out in return for a free copy then just PM me with your email and link to your Goodreads account :D Just make sure not to publicise it too much outside of Wattpad ;) 

Thanks so much guys! Now enough of Scotty's story, we're back to Ash! Hope you enjoy the new chapter, please leave a vote/comment if you can :D

Becky xx

***

Chapter 3

Facing The World

"Hello, my little pickle, pumpkin bestest sister in the world. How's about a big Benji-cat cuddle to cheer you right up?"

My brother Benjamin is sitting at the edge of my bed where I'm currently collapsed in misery. It's been about half an hour since Annabelle and Sarah ended our video-chat and I still haven't left my room. I don't know if I can face the world ever again. Maybe I'll just stay right here until I die.

"Go away," I groan into my pillow. "I need to be alone right now."

He completely ignores my wishes and clambers across the bed, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. "What's that? You need TWO hugs?! Well, don't you worry, I've got it covered."

"Get off me," I screech, trying to push him off. It's no use, he's much taller and stronger than me. He always used to win every fight we ever had when we were kids. "This isn't funny Benj! I'm really upset."

"I know you are," he replies calmly, crushing me even tighter. "That's why I'm here to make you feel better."

"You're not helping anything! GET OFF!"

Finally, he relents and releases his grip on me. I huff to the corner of the bed, bringing my knees up to my chin and making myself into a little ball. I wish I could make myself so small that no one would even notice me. Especially my annoying family.

OK, maybe that's too harsh. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother a lot. But he's always making a joke out of everything and trying to trivialise my feelings. I get it, he's five years older than me and he still sees me as a little kid. But this isn't just a scraped knee that some stupid hug can fix. I'm a grown-up now and my problems are much more complicated than a little boo-boo.

There is no plaster in the world big enough to mend a broken heart.

"Come on Ash," Benjamin says softly. "You can't mope up here all day. Why don't you get dressed and come downstairs? I'll make you a special breakfast with hash browns and everything. I'll even make the eggs into a smiley face. How can you be sad at smiley eggs?"

With that, I flop back down on the bed, tears pricking my eyes. He thinks this is funny. He thinks it's a big drama over nothing and that in an hour I'll be over it. Doesn't he realise that I'm a girl in love? I'll never get over this. Never. Not even in a hundred years.

"I'm not hungry," I murmur. Then I roll over, turning my back on him.

"I don't believe that for a second. You're always hungry."

"NO I'M NOT!" My whole family always make out like I'm some kind of pig, just because I eat kind of fast sometimes. And because I like chocolate cake. But it's not like they don't all eat loads too. "Benj, you're not helping. Just leave me alone. Please."

Benjamin grabs me by the shoulders and rolls me back round to face him. In some ways it's like looking in a mirror, seeing my own red hair and green eyes reflecting back at me. The only difference is Benjamin's aura of happiness which right now I can't possibly match even if I wanted to.

"This is silly," he says, patting my arm with a heavy hand. "You shouldn't let that horrible boy make you so upset. You were too good for him anyway. He's just a gross, smelly musician, he probably spends more time snogging his guitar than girls."

Here he goes again, making a big joke out of everything. I wish I'd never told him about Kieran in the first place, but when I saw that Youtube video last night I was in such a state that I couldn't hide it. Benji and my parents all hugged me and told me it would be alright, but I could tell they thought I was being stupid. I just went straight back to my room afterwards and haven't come out of it since.

"If he can't see how cool you are then that's his problem," Benjamin continues. "There are plenty more fish in the sea, you'll soon forget all about him once the next floppy-haired teenage oik comes along, I'm sure."

I can't take this anymore. It's not fair. I've always been there for Benjamin over the years whenever he's had relationship drama (and trust me he's had a lot of drama), so why can't he just be there for me now when I need him?

"I don't want to forget about him," I cry, storming up from the bed. "I LOVE him. Why can't anyone seem to understand that? He means everything to me! I feel like my whole world is falling apart."

Benjamin folds his arms, looking slightly impatient with me. "Ash, you barely even knew the guy."

"You don't know anything about our relationship," I snap back at him. "You might think you know bloody everything Benjamin, but you DON'T."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he answers with a barely-concealed roll of his eyes. "So you had one drink with him in the pub and then met him at a gig. My apologies, I didn't realise it was the romance of the century."

In that second, I swear I literally hate my brother. I hate him with every single bone in my body.

"Shut UP! I don't have to explain myself to you!" I charge towards him and drag him off the bed. "Get the hell out of my room, you are NOT WELCOME HERE."

"OK, OK, I'm going. Honestly." To my extreme frustration, he appears to be stifling a laugh. It's not funny. None of this is funny. He's a complete and utter traitor.

"From this moment on you are DEAD to me Benj. As far as I'm concerned I don't even have a brother."

I push him forcefully out the door and his laughter starts booming out loud and clear. "Righto, Miss Heartbroken Drama Queen. I'm well on board with that. I always thought it would be so much easier being an only child anyway."

I scream and slam the door in his face. There is a long silence and then I hear him speak again from behind the door.

"So do you want one egg or two?"

I pointedly open the door so I can slam it in his face for a second time.

---

It's another hour later. The room is dark, like my broken heart and my Adele albums are playing on repeat on my laptop. I am lying flat-out on my bed with the curtains drawn as everything goes over and over in my mind.

"Sue-Ella, get the camera out of my face!"

"Oh come on Kieran, I want to show you off to all my subscribers. Don't be so shy."

"Yeah well, I'm not beautiful like you. You'll probably lose viewers once they see me."

"I very highly doubt that! What do you think everyone? If you all approve of my new boyfriend then don't forget to leave a comment and let me know."

There are so many questions that I'll never know the answer to. Where did he meet her? Where did they go on their first date? Did he think she was prettier than me? Did I even cross his mind for one second when he asked her out? Did he feel guilty about betraying me? Is it serious between them? Does she know that I ever existed in his life? What could I have done to stop this from happening? Was it all my fault?

Does he realise how much he's killing me? Does he actually care?

"Right young lady. Time to get up."

My Mum's voice cuts across my thoughts, completely startling me. She has just burst into my room and now she's throwing the curtains wide open, letting the sunlight stream in through the window. I can't help but scream as it burns my eyes.

"MUM. KEEP THEM CLOSED."

She tuts and pulls them apart even wider. "You are not wallowing in your room all day, Ashleigh. Get up, get dressed and get out of the house."

I bury my face into a pillow, desperate to hide back into any kind of darkness. "I can't! I'm too depressed."

"What's this miserable rubbish you're listening to," Mum continues, totally ignoring me. She wanders over to my laptop and starts clicking some buttons on the keyboard. Suddenly some upbeat country song comes blaring out the speakers.

"What are you doing?" I yell, finally releasing my pillow and shooting up from the bed. "Don't touch my computer!" I try to switch the music back but she yanks me away from the screen before my fingers can touch the keys.

This is so unbelievable, I didn't even know my Mum knew how to work playlists.

"You're not going to feel any better lying here in your own self-pity," she says sternly, shaking my shoulders slightly. "Pull yourself together girl!"

I can feel tears spring to my eyes. Why does nobody in this house seem to understand what I'm going through? They should be drowning me in love and sympathy, not getting on my case like this.

"He got another girlfriend," I blurt out in an attempt to remind my Mum exactly why I'm so distressed in the first place. "I'm in love with him... and he got another girlfriend."

Tears are now freely flowing down my face as I relive the heartbreak all over again. Mum stops shaking me and gives me a great big hug instead. She smells like home and I weep into her warm shoulder.

"I know love," she coos, stroking my hair. "I know how disappointed you are."

"I mean what's wrong with ME?" I carry on, still crying so hard I'm beginning to choke. "Wasn't I good enough for him?! I thought he LIKED me, Mum!"

"Darling, you just lived too far away from each other," Mum replies. "Your lives were very different."

"Yeah, he's cool and going places, and I'm LAME and going NOWHERE."

Mum instantly starts backtracking. "No, no, that's not what I mean! Don't go putting words in my mouth." She lets go of her hug and stares me straight in the eye. "You are perfect Ash, he would have been lucky to have you as a girlfriend. But I just think maybe you were at different stages of your life, that's all."

I hate it when she does this to me. Treating me like some little kid who has no idea about the world. I'm a grown woman in love. She needs to accept I'm not some naïve little baby anymore.

"We could have made things work," I protest. "If he'd wanted to be together then we would have found a way. I could have moved to London."

Mum doesn't say anything, but the look on her face says it all. She doesn't think I could ever do something like that. Not safe, boring, predictable Ash. Well, maybe she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does.

I turn around and head back to bed. "Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore." What's the point in trying to defend myself? She's already made her mind up about me, just like everyone else in this house. "I just want to be on my own."

As I walk away, I feel myself being dragged back by my wrist. Mum yanks me sharply backwards and forces me to face her again. "Stop right there. You are not crawling back into your pit. Get out of your bloody PJs and go make yourself useful. We need some supplies from the greengrocer."

"I can't go outside," I exclaim manically. "Not like this. I'm too emotionally fragile."

Mum wags her finger at me like she always does when she's telling me off. "Do not let that silly boy get through to you like this. He's not worth it. You go out and face the world with your head held high. It will make you feel a hell of a lot better than lying about feeling sorry for yourself."

There's a small part of me that knows she's right, but I shove it deep down inside of me. I'm not leaving this room. Not when my heart is aching like this.

"Mum, I CAN'T go out. I just CAN'T." Feeling fresh tears forming, I run back to my bed and throw myself face-down onto it. "I CAAAAANNNN'T!"

My hysterics don't seem to be gaining me much sympathy. Mum is silent for ages and when I cautiously peek over at her from my bundle of bedsheets I can see she is standing with her arms crossed sternly.

"OK, love," she finally says. "You can't go out. That's fine. But if you CAN'T get on and do your job then I simply CAN'T afford to pay you a wage."

I clutch at my duvet in frustration and groan. Why is she doing this to me? Why is she so cruel?!

"Does that grunt mean you'll go and run my errand?"

I groan again and kick my legs up and down.

"Thanks, dear, I'll go and get the shopping list."

She bustles out of the room, leaving me alone with nothing but my poor, broken heart and my own tears. If she could feel this pain inside of me then she would never be asking me to go out and do her stupid shopping.

She doesn't understand. No one does. I feel so alone.

---

The road leading into Westerfield High Street seems absolutely endless. I've only been walking for about fifteen minutes but it feels more like fifteen years. I didn't think I would manage putting one foot in front of the other, yet somehow I'm doing it.

The sun is shining brightly above me and the trees lining my path look even greener and lusher than usual. Westerfield always comes to life in the spring. It's the kind of village that people from nearby cities love to come and visit for a weekend break so they can admire all the countryside fresh air or something like that. I guess I can see the appeal, but sometimes I wonder what all the fuss is about. It's not like anything much happens around here.

And right now all the country air just feels suffocating.

"Morning Ashleigh!"

Mrs. Wilson looks up and smiles at me as she walks past carrying bags of shopping. She works in one of the farms just around the corner from us. I force a returning smile which I hope looks convincing, then duck my head down and try to scurry past her.

She stops in the middle of the pathway, totally oblivious to my resistance. "How's your Mum and Dad? I hear the pub's doing really well lately."

This is why I didn't want to go outside today. There's nowhere to hide in this village. I'll probably get stopped a hundred more times by random neighbours and acquaintances on my way to the shops. And I just don't know if I have the strength to keep smiling at them all.

"Yeah, everything's great," I reply as cheerfully as I can. "We've been organising lots of events and stuff so business is really up from this time last year." I fiddle awkwardly with the shopping list my Mum's given to me. "Actually, I'm just heading to the high street to pick up some supplies."

I hope Mrs. Wilson will get the hint and let me go on my way, but she places her bags down onto the dusty ground. Oh no. She's in this for the long haul. What am I going to do?!

"Well, that's absolutely fantastic! I tell you what love, I think it's amazing how you've transformed the pub so much in such a short amount of time. I keep meaning to come along to one of these band nights you've been putting on. My eldest went to one a few months ago, it was some band I've never heard of but he said it was bloody brilliant. Now, what was the name again? He did tell me, but it's gone completely out of my mind. Something about Science I think?"

Memories of my first meeting with Kieran come flooding back into my brain. The night when Science Will Save Us played the pub and we talked all night long. Was it really only a few months ago? How can everything have changed so much since then?

"Ashleigh, are you alright? Your eyes look really red."

I bring my hands to my face, rubbing angrily at my eye-sockets. "Oh, it's nothing. It's just... hayfever."

"Oh yes, I suppose it's getting to that time of year again," Mrs. Wilson nods empathetically. "My youngest, she gets it terribly! Always sneezing and spluttering away. I tell her to close the window in her room, but she won't listen."

I can't do this. I have to get away from this conversation before I burst into tears.

"Yes, it's the worst when you suffer from it," I say, trying to hide the wobble in my voice. "And right now I'm suffering really badly so I'd better hurry and pick up some tablets straight away."

"Oh yes, you get on love," Mrs. Wilson exclaims, finally picking her bags back up. "Don't let me hold you up."

At last, I manage to escape. I wave her goodbye, smiling as hard as I can. If I keep smiling then maybe she won't notice how broken I am. Now I just have to get to the greengrocer without bumping into anyone else. I can do this.

---

Well, that plan went badly. I managed to get stopped by three more people on the rest of my walk. A guy who was in the year below me at school, the old lady who works in the library and my Mum's friend Gina who was out walking her dog. All of them asked the exact same thing. How are you, Ash? How's the pub? How are your parents? Is your brother still doing his artwork? When's the next band night?

Every single question made a tiny bit of my shell crumble but I managed to hold it together. Somehow. Now I'm finally here at the greengrocer. Let's get these stupid supplies already so I can just go home. I need to go home.

As I step into the shop, I'm instantly hit with intense colour from every angle. Juicy red tomatoes, rich green marrows, vividly yellow bananas and the most orange of oranges. Monks & Son do the best fruit and veg for miles around and we never fail to use them for all of our recipes. I've got to admit, I feel a little hungry looking around at all the delicious looking produce. I sort of wish I'd let Benji make me that breakfast now.

"Ashleigh Apple! To what do I owe this fine pleasure?"

In the corner of the room is a little wooden counter with a big, old-fashioned till resting on top of it. A lot of the time I find the owner of the business Mr. Monk standing behind that counter when I come to visit, but today it's his son Charlie. Or Chunk as everyone knows him by. He's a year older than me and he's one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet.

"I... I..." I'm trying to say that I've come in for supplies, but for some reason, I can't speak. His smile is so big and genuine that I just can't give him something fake in return.

"Yes?" he queries, teasingly. "You, you what?"

And with that, I unleash the flood of tears I have been holding back for the past half an hour.