01

sirius

Love is when your soul leaves your body, and your heart stops beating with the mere thought of being with them or not being with them.

I don't know the exact moment when your name struck a whirlwind of emotions within me. I vaguely remember a casual conversation with my roommate that first August. The first time your name fell from someone's lips, it didn't make me so much as turn my head to pay attention to the syllables. I had only nodded.

"My friend from my previous school will join us for the bonfire tonight," Rita said, sprawling on my bed and flipping through the pages of my recent read- The Book Thief.

"Is she in our grade?" I asked, my hands were still busy arranging books on the wall-mounted bookshelf.

"Yes. She goes to the same school as my brother. They are close, which I hate because she is my childhood friend. My brother has a tendency to snatch all my girlfriends." She grumbled.

"Not me."

"Of course not. You're only mine." Rita jumped up from my bed and threw her arms around me in a bear hug.

I didn't tell her then about the uneasiness creeping up my spine. I didn't tell her how human touch tends to turn my blood cold and how I hated intimacy from everyone except my mother. 

When we went back to arranging my bookshelf, I finally asked the words itching against my throat since she mentioned you.

"Does your friend have a name?"

"Her name is Raina, and she has the most beautiful amber eyes."

Raina. The five letters stitched together into an identity. I hadn't met a girl with your name before.

To this date, your name is a mystery to me. And it's beyond my reasoning how the letters your name reverberates through every corner of my soul, sprinkling freckles of excitement everywhere they touch and how they turn my heart heavy. I like it when they roll out of my tongue in silent whispers without your knowledge.

For you, I was just another passing thought, but for me, you were a forever moment. I don't think you knew anything about the feelings I bore for you. And I can't complain about it either. It wasn't like I was to show you how I felt for you.

How could I? You were never mine, to begin with. The stars that glitter in your eyes and smiles that decorate your lips were always for someone else.

It was never me.

Tonight the riverfront was littered with groups of teenagers gathered around the bonfire set up by Rita's brother, Ray. It was a get-together organized for her birthday, and we were at her dock. Your midnight black hair, slightly bigger than mine, was the first to touch my skin. You slid beside me with a lazy smile spread across your rosy lips and the speaks of fire dancing in your amber irises.

They were indeed the most beautiful set of eyes I have seen. You turned towards me, gauging my face for a few long seconds, and I realized I had been staring.

That was when Rita walked between us and called your name again with easy fluency. Much to my dismay, it stuck at the back of my tongue, and I could only give you a conscious smile.

I can bet on the way you bit your bottom lip to stop the laughter bubbling inside your throat that the tips of my ears had turned slightly pinkish. They did every time I was embarrassed, nervous, or in your case, flustered.

Just as Rita disappeared from between us, you took a step towards me and handed me the other transparent cup in your hand. I looked down at the content inside the cup then back to you. Not trying to appear like a prune at the first meeting, I decided to wet my dry lips instead of asking what you gave me to drink.

You shook your head, finally letting out that laugh you'd been suppressing, and reached out to touch my recently dyed hair. "I like the color of your hair. Mahogany suits you. And don't worry, it's just coke."

You clicked your cup with mine, downed the coke, and walked over to the rest of the group. I thanked you but only under my breath, my cheeks turning warm and my frown deepening with confusion.

No one had ever turned my heart erratic or tied my tongue around them as you did. I stayed glued to my place for a long time, my toes sinking in the lush green grass and fingers tightening around the cup in my hand.

So, maybe that's the reason I kept touching my hair the whole time you sat across from me, the crackling fire dancing between us. While you smiled and shared stories with your back against Ray, I looked into the burning flames, some dying out, others rising high with the wind.

I wonder which one was the passion within me.

For you. Always for you.