"When love turns to hate, and when hate fades to nothingness— that's when you'll know it's the end."

*******

🔶🔶🔶

"Are you out of your mind? 'Reckoner'? With a foot like that?" Dr. Choi lashed out, seeing the now sorry state of Justin's ankle after Samuel told him what happened when he rushed him in. It had not even been an hour since the doctor told Justin to stay still for a week.

"C-calm down doc... It's no big deal—"

"God, Justin! Just shut the fuck up, will ya!" I'm no doctor here but I know an injury once I see one! You're not okay, and you should've told me that in the first place!" Samuel flared with worry written all over his face, and despite the pain, Justin still managed to let out a giggle, finding it rather cute that he was being scolded by Samuel like this.

"Mhm... Yes, yes I know— but your mom looks scary, alright? As if she was about to gobble me up if I didn't skate. I had show her that her son is in good hands," Justin said, grin immediately contorting to a wince when Dr. Choi lifted his foot, spraying some coolant to at least help ease the pain.

"Still! That's no excuse! We could've just told her that you sprained your ankle. She would've understood! She's also been-"

"Calm down you two. On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it, Justin?" One of the nurse was holding Justin's heel up after wrapping it tight for support.

"J-Just around three— agh! Fuck!" Justin groaned in pain when she applied a bit of pressure at the bottom on his foot.

"One to ten, ten being the most painful, Justin," Dr. Choi asked again, a bit firmer than earlier, still not releasing the pressure.

"Fuck! Eight! It's fucking Eight! God!" Justin then choked, steadying his breath when the nurse finally let go of his foot, placing it gently back on the bed, while Samuel couldn't help feel something twist in his stomach as he watched Justin writhe in pain.

"We need to run some tests, then. Have that be checked—"

"A week, doc. You said that you'll give me a week to rest," Justin said, now feeling something he had never felt for years since the accident back when he was twelve, now seeing the grim look on the physiotherapist's face.

Fear.

"Yeah, before you did exactly what I told you not to do. Sprains don't sound that much threatening, I know, but the damage it'll cause you if left untreated might be irreversible." Dr. Choi was looking straight into Justin's eyes, hoping that the latter would understand his point.

Samuel then stiffened, feeling everything crumble at his feet upon hearing the medic's words. His eyes then met Justin's, seeing something there that he hadn't seen before.

Fear— and Samuel felt the same thing.

"C-can he make it for the Nationals?" Samuel asked, voice low, feeling ashamed of what he just said; but Justin's eyes were pleading— they were screaming, as if begging Samuel not to give up on him.

And again, Samuel wanted the same thing.

In just a span of two short months, Justin had managed to carve his existence in Samuel's life, to a point that sometimes Samuel couldn't imagine skating without him on his side.

So right now, just like Justin, Samuel was terrified.

"As I've said. We still need to run a few more tests to see how bad the damage is before I can decide on anything. Though if I were to be honest now, I would have to talk to Ms. Allen— I don't think-"

"One week. I won't move an inch for one week. I'll do everything you'll ask of me. If— if it doesn't go better, then you can go ahead and tell Ms. Allen. Please doctor, I know myself. I know my own body. I know I'll heal... Please." Justin pleaded, dropping his pride for once. He couldn't have the director know about this, because knowing Ms. Allen, she'd have him replaced in no time and Justin would never accept that. He was already there— he was finally living the dream, and he wouldn't let a stupid injury take that away from him.

"Justin-"

"I'll watch him. I'll stay with him 24/7, doc. Just... Just give him a chance. He did this for me. U-umma suddenly came to practice this morning and you know her. We freaked out and I cannot really blame Justin for it. Please. I— I don't want to skate with someone else." Samuel lowered his voice at the end of his sentence, cheeks flushing red upon realizing what he just said.

Justin's eyes then grew wide at that, now staring at Samuel as the latter chewed on his lower lip; in disbelief that he just heard the uncompromising boy admit he didn't want to skate with anyone else but him, and that alone was enough for Justin's heart to skip a beat.

"Sammy..." Justin held onto Samuel's hand, feeling how the latter shook against his skin.

Samuel was scared, just like him.

"I'm a doctor, Samuel." Dr. Choi looked at the two apologetically. He didn't want to come in between the students and their dreams, but then again, it was his duty as a doctor to suggest what was best for them.

"Please, hyung... Don't pull him out just yet. We can do the tests, x-rays and all the shit. He'll be good. I promise." Samuel then had no other chance but dive into his last resort, reminding the doctor of how their bond once went beyond college, when the latter used to date his sister.

'Justin seems to know how to speak his mind— and you know what? Samuel! Oh God! I can't even remember the last time I saw him smile. Not the fake one, alright... T'was real... Earlier, he really did smile for real. I was so shocked I couldn't even speak. Justin shines so bright, Eric, he reminds me of you sometimes.'

Eric, then remembered Lisa's words the last time they met, before she went for a shoot in Chicago, that is. Yes, the old lovers still talk occasionally. Eric was a man in love, once. Sue him.

As he looked at both Samuel and Justin he remembered the spark of relief he saw in Lisa's eyes while talking about how Justin was able to make her brother smile the last time she was in town, and he hated how he was considering this because of something so personal.

Eric's eyes then moved towards Justin and Samuel's clasped hands, which then made his lips curl up to a defeated smile.

"One week. No skating. No dancing. No walking without support. You'll have to come to me and have that be checked every day. Come back here tomorrow for the tests. If it doesn't go better after one week, then you two better accept what will happen." The doctor then walked towards the storage room to get some crutches, huffing out a lungful of air as he heard the two sigh in relief upon hearing what he just said.

"Here. I better not see you running around without these." He then handed the nurse the pair of crutches, watching as Samuel helped Justin out of the bed.

"T-thank you Dr. Choi. I mean it," Justin said, pulling himself up, with a grateful smile on his face.

"Samuel, you know what to do, right? This brat is a handful. I expect you to keep him in line," Dr. Choi said, turning towards Samuel this time.

"I will, hyung... Thank you." Samuel gave the medic a small smile as he and Justin carefully headed outside.

"My, my... The things I do for you, really," Eric said to himself, wondering what Lisa would say once she hears about this.

Will she be happy? Will she smile? Ah, Lisa better go out with him for a coffee after this— well, that's what Eric thought.

________________

"Man, you're crazy! Look at you! A month before the Nationals, really!" Rose exclaimed, pointing at Justin's ankle, now here in his house as Samuel assisted the injured boy on the couch.

"He's unbelievable, isn't he? Don't worry Rose, I'll be keeping him in check. Since his parents aren't home I have to keep a close eye on this one for a week." Samuel collapsed on the couch beside Justin while massaging the bridge of his nose. He already told Rose and Kate about what happened earlier, as well as Justin's condition, which basically required him to shift with Justin as his parents were out of town for work and he didn't inform them about the injury so as to not worry them.

"And what about your parents? Do they know?" She asked.

"Umma doesn't need to know, you know she won't agree. And about dad— we both know he pretty much doesn't care what I do." Samuel got up to carry his bag to one of the rooms. "I told Lisa noona though. She seemed oddly happy. Weird."

"Why guest room? My room has enough space, don't you think?" Justin asked with a soft giggle when he saw Samuel walk towards the other room with his stuff, earning a glare from the latter which made him shut his mouth instead.

"While I'm glad you two have worked your differences and are suddenly acting so domestic, I don't think a week is enough—"

"I'll be fine, Rose. Trust me," Justin said in a firm tone, leaving Rose with no other choice but to sigh and accept her friend's decision.

"Tch, fine. Then you know where to find me in case you two need anything. Good luck."

____________________

"Are you still mad at me? Hmm?" Justin asked, squirming closer towards Samuel's side, resting his head on the latter's shoulder as he placed a hand over Samuel's thigh.

"Shut it! Why did you do it, Justin? Sure, umma was there, but it's still not an excuse for you to risk your health." Samuel was realizing how reckless Justin acted earlier, now that they were both calm.

"I don't know... Sometimes my body just moves on its own," Justin mumbled under his breath, nuzzling his face at the crook of Samuel's neck.

"Lisa noona, she's a brilliant skater, y'know? She's better than me, actually. Do you know why she left the scene?" Samuel asked, recalling what happened to his sister a few years ago.

"Because she wanted to be an actor?"

"No. She was out to compete for the the Four Continents Championship when she had a bad landing during practice. She sprained her ankle, just like you did, but still she didn't stop. She refused to listen to Eric hyung's advice. Next thing she knew, she was unable to skate like she used to. She lost the competition and had a fight with umma. There was chaos in our house. Umma blamed herself— blamed me and blamed everyone else. Lisa noona never said it out loud but I know she felt guilty, and that probably made her think that skating was not for her. Then she left after that." Samuel was leaning his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling as he dealt with the haunting flashbacks.

"Are you afraid that I'll quit skating too, just like what she did?" Justin asked as he tenderly cupped Samuel's jaw, tilting the latter's face towards him.

"Maybe? Lisa noona used to love skating too. I know leaving and having to choose a different career took a toll on her. You— we might not be that close before, but I know skating is your passion. I don't want to see you rot and leave just because of a stupid injury like this. I've gotten used to having you close now, Justin. I mean it when I said I want to keep skating with you." Samuel leaned into Justin's touch, feeling his exhaustion from the day's events kick in.

"And I will. We'll win the Nationals, then move on to World Championship. We'll be the hottest two shots in the skating community. You don't have to worry about anything." Justin looked straight into Samuel's eyes, sounding so convincing that Samuel wanted to believe him.

"Don't say empty promises, Wong. Not when I've developed a habit of believing your words." Samuel closed his eyes as Justin leaned in, placing soft kisses on his cheeks.

"Then believe me again now. I love skating and I love—" Justin paused at that, realizing what he was about to say, while Samuel's eyes shoot open, meeting his gaze as if anticipating to hear what's next.

"L-love?" Samuel asked, swallowing that odd feeling of him not needing to hear anything, for Justin's eyes have always been screaming the answer to him.

Though, he's not sure if he was ready to hear it yet.

"Y-yeah... I would love to change my clothes now. Can you help me? I'm a bit sweaty, y'see?" Justin once again chickened out, realizing that now maybe wasn't the right time for this.

"R-right... Okay. C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." Samuel got up on his feet, rushing towards Justin's room, ignoring his burning cheeks.

________________

"Just rest. I'll go buy us something to eat." Samuel tucked Justin to bed after helping the latter freshen up. It was almost time for dinner anyway, and even if Samuel had little to no appetite, Justin needed to eat so he could recover quickly.

"Uh? Let's just order out. Pizza should be fine," Justin said, refusing to trouble Samuel more than he already had.

"Tch. Then what? Have me eat that junk with you? No thanks. Just stay there, I'll be back in a bit." Samuel took his jacket, ignoring Justin's whines as he headed out of the house.

__________________

Samuel was about to enter the store when he halted his steps seeing Victor walking towards his direction, carrying a small bag of groceries.

"H-hey," said Samuel, awkwardly meeting Victor's gaze.

"Mhm... Rose told me what happened. Is Jus at his house?" Victor asked, trying his best to keep a straight face. He was still hurt, but he was also worried for his friend.

"Yeah. I— I left him there so I can buy us some dinner. Look, uhm... About last night-"

"Come. I think I bought enough ingredients for the three of us. I'll cook," Victor said, cutting Samuel off, still not ready for that conversation. He really intended to cook dinner for Justin anyway after Rose told him what happened.

"N-no, it's okay... I can just-"

"You don't have to avoid me, Sammy. It's not about us right now. I'm doing this for my best friend. But it's fine. If you're uncomfortable, you can go. I'd still make him a meal though. Then-" Victor had a bitter smile curling up on his lips as he walked past Samuel.

Samuel then stood still, watching Victor's back as he released a deep breath, knowing full well that the latter was right. They might still have some unresolved issues, but Victor was still Justin's best friend, and Samuel knew that he meant well, so he decided to follow Victor instead.

"Fine. I can't cook to save my life anyway."

________________

The air was thick as Samuel stepped inside Victor's apartment. None of them said a word; Victor walked towards the mini kitchen, while Samuel sat on the stool by the counter, silently watching the boy prepare the ingredients.

"Is he okay?" Victor asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"I'd like to think that he is." Samuel rested his face in his palms, watching Victor as he pulled out some vegetables from the bag.

"Are you?" Victor lifted his gaze up, now looking at Samuel's face.

"I'm not the one who's injured. Of course, I'm okay," Samuel said averting Victor's gaze.

"You're worried about him, aren't you?"

"Vic..." Samuel looked at Victor apologetically as the guilt from last night came back to him.

Samuel was not going to deny it. He somehow forgot about it for a brief moment; how he left Victor there, in the same place, and how he was torn about wanting to leave and wanting to stay, until Victor took the initiative of sending him away despite still being in pain.

"Of course, you are." Victor let out a sigh as he looked away, diverting his attention to cooking instead. Still, his breath hitched when Samuel stood up and walked towards him, wrapping his arms around his frame, resting his chin on his shoulder as he hugged him from behind.

"Are you mad at me? You're upset, aren't you?" Samuel asked, voice sounding like a whisper, and Victor hated how he immediately caved into the warmth.

"I called Stacey over. She just left." Victor refused to take in Samuel's pity, even though the latter's warmth was seeping through his skin— burning him from within, making him want to pull him and have him sink down with him again.

But would that have been right? Was it okay for them to go back to square one?

"D-did she, now?" Samuel was chewing on his lower lip as he let go of Victor, taking a step back when the latter turned towards him.

"Baby steps, Sammy... Don't tempt me. I'm trying here, alright?— Go, watch a movie or something. I'll be done in a bit." Victor smiled bitterly at him again, looking as cool as ever, reminding Samuel why he allowed himself to be lured in over and over.

It's not easy— breaking a habit, that is.

Even after everything that happened— after all the pain and tears, at times like this, Samuel still found himself gravitating towards Victor absentmindedly, craving for the comfort within his false sense of familiarity; being haunted by all their memories.

But was this right? No. Samuel knew that this time he had to be the one who'd step back.

"R-right... Sorry, Owens," Samuel said, walking towards the couch like he was told.

________________

Half way through the movie Samuel wasn't really paying attention to, Victor came to him, handing him a cleanly packed meal.

"Here. I packed some for you as well. Eat, okay?" Victor tucked his hands inside his pockets as Samuel got on his feet, carrying the container he just got handed.

"Thank you. Uhm... D'you wanna come with me? So you can check on Justin's condition, I mean," Samuel said as Victor walked him towards the door.

"Naah. Just tell him I said hi. I'm not really that of a masochist." Scratching the back of his neck, Victor opened the door for Samuel, just like how he did last night.

It killed him still, by the way.

Hah... Why do I keep doing this to myself? thought Victor, fighting the greed that was threatening to consume him again.

"R-right... Sorry. I just thought that you might wanna see how he's doing. I didn't mean to—" Samuel then let out a gasp when Victor suddenly pulled him by the arm, leaning in, going for his lips, only to pause when Samuel instinctively turned his face away from him, making a pained smile appear on Victor's lips, placing a soft kiss on Samuel's cheek instead.

"Go now, Sammy. G'night." Victor turned his back on Samuel, holding his breath until he heard the door click close.

"Hah! How shameful of you, Victor. You can't even pretend that you're okay with it." The broken man took a deep breath as he leaned his back against the door, still not believing the fact that he was able to let Samuel go, two times in a row.

Samuel then found himself standing outside Victor's door, lifting his hand up to his cheek, touching the part that Victor just kissed, then dropping the same hand to his chest, realizing that this time— his heart didn't skip a beat.

The kiss did not burn like it used to, but it didn't make him hurt any less— if anything, the pain now seemed more intense. "Damn, withdrawal," Samuel said, now walking towards the parking lot.

Victor Owens was his drug, and now that he was quitting him, Samuel was suffering the aftereffects.

_________________

The moment Samuel came back to his room, Justin had already sensed that something was wrong— well, not entirely wrong, but he could tell that something was different. Samuel's eyes look troubled and he was awfully silent compared to earlier.

"My hands are fine, y'know?" Justin said, still on the bed when Samuel came to him, absentmindedly feeding him the chicken noodle soup he brought with him when he returned. The meal came in a food container that didn't look store bought, and even without tasting it yet, Justin hated how he could tell who had cooked it.

"Ah! R-right, sorry... Here." Samuel pulled the spoonful of soup he was about to feed Justin, handing the tray to him instead.

"And you? Aren't you going to eat?" Justin took the tray, confirming his suspicions the moment he took a good look at the meal in front of him; the way it was cleanly plated, the aroma and the way the chicken was cooked, Justin could already tell it was Victor's cooking.

"I- I'm not hungry—"

"Lies. He packed one for you too, didn't he? It's over there. C'mon, eat with me?" Justin said, pointing his lips towards the other container on the table. He was not mad, actually. He was grateful, though he won't deny that he felt a slight pang in his chest, thinking that Samuel was just with Victor.

"You know?" Samuel asked. He didn't know why— he didn't even do anything wrong, but for some reason he felt guilty, now that Justin knew that he'd been with someone else.

"Pfft... I'm a spoiled best friend, y'know? Victor loves to cook for me and Rose. Chicken noodle soup is his staple hangover soup. Fancy, isn't he?" Justin said as he took a spoonful of the soup to his mouth, savoring the broth; fighting off his own tears, for the familiar taste reminded him of how guilty he was.

Technically, he didn't do anything wrong. Samuel and Victor weren't in an official relationship. However, Justin knew that by going after Samuel, he already broke the unspoken rule between best friends; how you should never go for anyone who came out from your best friend's bed.

He tried not to, really.

But it's hard. It's hard because in Justin's head, he had Samuel first.

He met him first.

He skated with him first.

He loved him first.

He loved him before he could even know that it was love.

He loved him before he realized that he was already breaking the damn unspoken 'bro pact'.

But Samuel was there.

He came back to him.

He stayed.

So now, Justin felt like hating himself.

"I— I'm sorry... I didn't— I mean, I was really just about to buy food, when I ran into him by the entrance. He heard about your condition from Rose, and offered to-"

"It's okay. I have no right to get mad anyway. C'mon, let's eat. I may not look like it, but I'm actually a big baby. I don't like eating alone," Justin said, smiling awkwardly as he stared down on the soup.

"Justin..." Samuel's lips were pressed to a thin line as Justin glanced up at him with a small smile on his face, and Samuel hated how he couldn't read what was on his mind, so he decided to just grant the latter his request. "Okay... Let's eat," said Samuel, standing up to grab his own meal.

_________________

It'd been awhile since Samuel last felt like this— especially when he was with Justin. But right now, as he finished his bowl of soup, he could feel everything threatening to swim back up to his throat. The food tasted delicious, no doubt about that. The flavors were spot on and it was cooked with utmost care, but Samuel's stomach was churning for some reason. His lips were quivering while the insides of his mouth salivated sourly, reminding him of how unfair he acted towards the man who had been with him almost since the beginning.

The man who was with him, holding up a fragile relationship, picking their broken pieces one by one, sealing it with soft kisses and that fleeting warmth. The man who tried to build a dream inside their nightmares, playing good music within their cold hell.

Samuel left him there.

"A-are you done? I'll get this cleaned up." Samuel swallowed his own spit as he took Justin's empty bowl, getting up on his feet, placing it on the sink, feeling everything he just ate sit at the back of his throat, making him want to rush towards the wash room alone.

Still, he gathered enough strength to stand by Justin's bed, handing the latter a glass of water, while his mind thought of ways on how to excuse himself without raising Justin's suspicions.

"Rest. I'll just wash up before going to-" Samuel's breath then hitched when Justin suddenly pulled him in the bed after placing the half empty glass of water on the bed side table, making Samuel land on Justin's lap, caged in his arms.

"Don't... He cooked it so well. Keep it in," Justin said, already sensing what Samuel was planning to do.

"I... I don't know what you're talking about." Samuel still tried to deny the obvious as he averted Justin's gaze.

"You can cry. Nobody's stopping you, Sammy. It's just us here... I won't mind," Justin said as he gently tilted Samuel's face towards him.

"Mhm... Funny, because I can't— even if I want to." Samuel's eyes were pleading as he met Justin's gaze, as if silently asking him to let go, just this once because he couldn't fight the urge anymore.

The strange voices kept on ringing inside his head. They kept on screaming at him, that if he didn't let it out it'd start consuming him from within.

Samuel had a feeling, deep in his gut, that Justin would understand. That he, too, knew how it felt to have the guilt embedded so deeply that it ate you up from the inside out.

It is scary, really. Guilt, that is.

Justin continued to stare at Samuel's face, watching as the latter's lips quivered at every deep breath he took— and Justin wished he could take everything that was troubling him away.

"Open your mouth," Justin said as he gently pulled Samuel's chin down with his fingers, parting it slightly while the latter stared up at him, taking slow and steady breaths.

"Let's distract you for a bit." Justin leaned closer, sliding his tongue inside Samuel's mouth, kissing him slowly as the latter hummed low in response.

"How is it?" Justin asked, pulling back after flicking his tongue against Samuel's lower lips, slightly tugging it between his teeth.

"Tastes like chicken and herbs. We ate the same thing."

Yeah... And we share the same sin, Justin thought, smiling rather bitterly as he leaned in again, placing a soft peck on Samuel's lips.

"Good. Tastes good, right?" Justin took Samuel's chin with his fingers, parting the latter's mouth so he could kiss him deeply again, and this time, Samuel welcomed him with the same intensity— the same need.

They continued to kiss, teeth clashing, tongues diving into each other's wet heat, with Samuel's head resting on Justin's arms as the latter hovered over him, grabby hands roaming all over his body; softly caressing his neck, going to his chest, traveling further down south to his thighs which then made Samuel pull back, releasing a deep sigh.

"Why?" Justin asked, wondering why Samuel pulled back and stopped.

"Can't... You're injured, remember? You should rest." Samuel was nervously licking his lower lip as if savoring the taste that still lingered there.

"Uh? It's just my ankle, Sammy. Everything else works perfectly well—"

"Still. Let's just sleep, yeah? I'll take the guest room." Samuel was aiming to get up, only for Justin to stop him, grabbing him by the arm.

"Fine— but stay here. Told you my room has enough space," the doe-eyed boy said with such determination, as if telling him that he won't be giving Samuel a chance to escape.

"Justin..."

"C'mon... What if I roll out of bed? What if I forget that I'm injured and need to pee in the middle of the night? What if I sleep and walk-"

"Fine— but no funny business, alright?" Samuel relented, huffing out a lungful of air as he crawled up on the bed, letting Justin cradle him in his arms again.

"Said no funny business," Samuel said with a hint of weak warning when he felt Justin's lips placing soft kisses on his neck.

"Right... I know— but can't we just kiss again? Hmm?" Justin asked, unable to stop himself, not when Samuel was there, distracting the demons that were swimming inside his head.

The damn guilt of taking someone away from his best friend.

A part of Samuel wanted to say no— say that they shouldn't be doing this at all, but a part of him also wanted to say yes. Say yes, stay and kiss Justin again, have him cover his mouth with his taste, just until he was able to swallow the lump in his throat back in.

So he did.

Justin Wong, after all, was indeed so hard to resist.

"Fine... Just kissing, okay?" Samuel caved in again, letting Justin have his way.

Justin didn't really know why. Maybe it was because of the painkillers he took earlier, but his eyes were getting heavier now. Samuel was there beside him, whimpering as Justin's mouth left his lips, kisses traveling down to his neck, nuzzling his face there as his hand slid down, grabbing the back of Samuel's thigh, pulling it over his waist as he kneaded his flesh under the soft fabric of his sweatpants.

"J-Just kissing." Samuel reminded Justin of their deal, all while tilting his head back, giving the latter more access.

"Mhm... I know. J-Just a bit more, though. Bear with me, please," Justin murmured against his skin, before going back up, once again claiming his lips, moving slower this time, as if he was kissing him half asleep.

"C-can't really feel my lips now, bun." Samuel whined as Jeongguk smiled against his lips, now placing soft pecks on his cheeks.

"Well, isn't that good? I got you tired now." Justin grinned as he whispered his words with his eyes now closed. "How was it? Taste... How do I taste now, hmm?" Justin asked, and Samuel wondered if the latter was already dreaming right now.

Justin was breathing steadily, mouth slightly parted, looking so soft and warm— and Samuel was just staring at him now.

"Sweet. Sweet as always. Thank you, angel." Samuel placed a soft kiss on Justin's lips again before letting himself drift to sleep as well.

________________

"I must say, you really took your time before deciding to call me, huh?" Rose said, now at Victor's place, since the latter called her over for some drinks earlier.

"Well, I know you're dealing with your own problems too, Rose. Heard my dad talking to your dad last week— said something about you, finally getting yourself a boyfriend." Victor poured himself another shot of whiskey, while Rose almost spit out her, in shock after hearing what he just said.

"W-what? Boyfriend? What the fuck!" Rose scoffed in disbelief. She was not dense, she already sensed that her parents might be having the wrong idea about her and Nathan, though she didn't expect them to go tattling about it to their family friends.

"I don't think Mendes will like that, no? Does she know?" Victor asks, feeling a bit tipsy now that they were almost down half a bottle of whiskey already.

"No! Of course not! There isn't anything for her to know, because I'm telling you, what you heard isn't true. Boyfriend my ass. Nathan's just my skating partner for the Nationals and that's that." Rose dismissed the topic because it absolutely didn't make any sense. Well, for her at least.

The only one for her has always been Katherine Mendes. The bright shining star that she was. Her enigma.

"Is it? Well, that's good. Don't end up like me, my friend. Hell isn't as peachy as you think." Victor swung his glass up as he pointed at Rose.

"Believe me, I know... What's up with you, by the way? Samuel? Justin? Stacey? The whole fiasco?" Rose asked. He was not saying anything about it, but she already noticed how Victor's face was still a mess, probably from what happened the other day. The bruises were still fresh as well as the cut at the sides of his lips, and Rose did feel so bad for her friend.

If only she could do anything.

"Pfft... Samuel, he left— no... Can you believe it? I actually let him go. Twice, Rose. Twice... I let him out of that same door." Victor was laughing bitterly as he downed another shot, recalling how Samuel was just there a few hours ago.

"Vic..." Rose took the glass from him, looking apologetically at her friend.

"Ah... Don't look at me like that, dude. I'm fine— see? Breathing, moving, talking shit kind of fine! Pfft-"

"Shut it. You know that's not true. You don't need to fool anyone here, when it's just us two." Rose emptied her own glass as well, pouring another round for herself.

"No, no... Really. It's odd, because it hurts so damn much. I feel like I'm about to die, still— it doesn't make sense, y'know? It really doesn't make sense." Victor babbled all drunk, while Rose cocked her head, wondering what he meant.

"What is?" Rose asked.

"Listen here, Rose. I'm about to say something really funny... Pfft... Y'see, last night, when I opened that door for him— when I pushed him out... I-It felt like fucking death, but at the same time I felt something else. Relief. The moment he stepped out... I- I felt like I could breathe again. Odd, right?" Victor's lips were quivering as he spoke, failing to hold back his tears. "What's even more odd is that I did it again earlier, and I felt the same damn thing. It's like I... I wanted to get rid of him."

He was tapping his own knees, unable to sit still, for saying it out loud made him realize that it was actually killing him.

The change.

The lack of weight.

Everything.

And as the thought of it continued to take over him, the more he realized that it was real.

The damn nightmare was real, and they were both on their way towards the exit, holding onto the last thin chains wrapped around their feet, contemplating whether to cut it or not, because losing it felt like losing a part of themselves.

A part of them that they could never get back again once they walk out and wake up.

With that thought, Victor sobbed. He sobbed like he never did before, shaking as he let it all out.

It really hit hard when the memories come haunting him back.

All the damn flashbacks.

Heart-shaped smiles. Crescent eyes. Tan skin against his palms— back when he was still allowed to touch.

It was winter then.

It was cold, but Samuel made it bearable.

He made his cold hell livable.

"R-Rose... That man... I love that man so much. I love him so much. D'you hear me? Samuel— Samuel Jeon— fuck! I love him so damn much..." Victor continued to sob, desperately saying the words he never dared say out loud.

"I know... Fuck you, man. I know." Rose had tears in her eyes as well, stroking Victor's back, feeling the grief of her friend.

"I love him... B-but I'm tired of loving him. H-he's like a damn stake buried in my chest. He's killing me everyday. Every time he comes here— every damn time he kisses me, it kills me. I— I fucking hate him... I hate him because I know... I know I can never have him. He's never been mine to begin with. But I wanted him, Rose. There isn't a single day in my life since I met him that I didn't dream about him— us. He- he's everything I wanted. And he never knew that. I never said it to him out loud. I made him wait for something that will never happen. I made him wait for me to say that I love him... Now, I loved him. He waited and we both died down waiting for nothing." Victor became delirious as he was laughing and sobbing, even getting up on his feet only to fall back on his knees as he spilled everything.

His sins.

Guilt.

Regrets.

All the damn things he bottled up inside of him, letting it pour out one by one.

"And I feel sorry for him... I f-feel so damn sorry for him— because even if he didn't say it. I knew... All this time, I knew. He loved me too. That damn foolish man... Samuel, he selflessly— selflessly loved me too."

"Vic... You— you tried. Both of you did try, didn't you? But it's time to close the book. You know it too, right? Let it go. Let him go." Rose crouched down on the floor, placing her hands over Victor's shoulders to give comfort, while the latter nodded his head, smiling bitterly as he sobbed harder.

When love turns to hate, and when hate fades to nothingness— that's when you'll know it's the end.

__________________

Justin then woke up, hearing Samuel cry in his sleep beside him, clasping his shirt in his fists, murmuring things Justin couldn't really hear.

"Baby..." Justin whispered as he pulled Samuel closer, letting the latter cry against his chest.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Samuel whispered as he continued to cry in his sleep, and it broke Justin's heart, for he had no idea what was causing his tears.

"Shh... It's okay... You'll be okay." Justin was kissing the top of Samuel's hair, placing his palm protectively at the back of the latter's head.

"Don't cry... You're so loved, Samuel. So loved— I love you," Justin mumbled under his breath, hoping that his words would reach Samuel in his dreams, wishing there he could dry his tears.