"The skater's body is simply the luminous manifestation of the soul.
When you watch a skater, you should see his soul in his movements."

*******

🔶🔶🔶

With a half empty glass of whiskey on his side, music sheets lying on the floor, Victor played the piano in his dimmed room alone. He was sure he'd played this music before, but for some reason he just couldn't remember when.

Was it bright that day?

Well, is it even worth remembering now?

Box shaped smiles and crescent eyes. It felt like those stopped being his a long time ago, even before Justin came into the picture. Truth is, Victor knew he was the one responsible for dimming Samuel's glow, and Justin was the one who was bringing back his sparkle.

It was a dead end relationship from the start. He and Samuel were bound to break up and they both knew that. Still, it didn't make it hurt any less— how Samuel would probably end up with Victor's own best friend.

But who exactly was to blame?

Was it Justin? Samuel? Or Victor, himself?

Now as Victor continued to play the piano, he wondered what could've happened if he didn't kiss Samuel back that day?

Yeah. Maybe things would've been different. Maybe both of them wouldn't be so broken.

Still, Victor couldn't say that he regretted ever meeting Samuel, for despite the pain, there were still good memories that remained.

Memories of them sneaking out late at night to go on their cheap convenience store dates. All the stolen kisses they shared by the lockers after the school bell rang. Them, sitting in silence under the red maple tree at the back of their highschool building during lunch. Them, subtly brushing the back of their hands every time they crossed paths in the hallways. Soft music playing in that empty music room after class— the image of Samuel tying up his skating shoes before gliding on the ice like a snow fairy. Steamy nights chasing the littlest warmth they could find...

Everything that once made them warm, all turned to dust right in front of their eyes.

The thrill and excitement of keeping a forbidden love affair had long died down. Laughter turned to pain. Their dreams had been reduced to tears instead. Those were the things that couldn't be patched up with just meaningless sex.

They had been long over, only clinging onto the small particles that were left.

With that thought, a bitter smile appeared on Victor's lips as the sudden realization hit him, making him sit still— That as soon as Samuel left, there was actually one voice that Victor was now craving to hear.

The one who refused to leave despite already knowing the monster he had been.

Warmth in such little hands.

A speck of sunlight he'd always been trying to dodge.

Taking a deep breath, Victor then grabbed his phone, dialing up the last number that he called.

'hello?'

"Stace... D'you wanna come over? Turns out I'm not fine being alone after all."

______________

"Up already?" Samuel asked, feeling Justin's stare even with his eyes still closed.

"Sleep more." Justin tenderly brushed the stray hair off of Samuel's face. The sun' was already up, and he was having a bad headache from all the beer he drank last night. Still, he couldn't sleep, afraid that Samuel won't be there when he wakes up.

"Why? So you can continue to stare at me?" Samuel asked, eyes fluttering open, meeting Justin's gaze at him first thing in the morning.

"I still can't believe that you're here." Justin was gently stroking the side of Samuel's face, brushing his thumb softly on the latter's cheek; aching to touch just to make sure that he was real.

"Same. Wait, you didn't sleep again?" Samuel's heart skipped a beat when the doe-eyed boy suddenly scooped him his arms, hugging him tight.

"Mhm... My headache is killing me, really. Shouldn't have drank too much," Justin said, inhaling Samuel's scent through the top of the latter's hair.

"Will you be okay? You haven't had any decent sleep for two days now... 'm sorry." Samuel was nuzzling his face on Justin's chest, feeling guilty for being the reason for the latter's lack of sleep.

"Bet by now you should be aware that I have enough stamina to spare. I'll be fine, Sammy," Justin said, slightly pulling back from the hug so he could see Samuel's face. "I like that you're here. You don't have to apologize for anything."

"Still, you're not invincible."

"Oh, I am! Right now, I feel like I am."

"Tch, being a fan of marvel superheroes doesn't mean you're one of them, Justin. You should rest. Just tell Mr. Hamilton that you're sick. I can just do some stretches—"

"And have me miss the view of your glorious as-"

"Oh my God! Stop!" Samuel whined, burying his face under his palms, making Justin laugh, hugging him tight before rolling him over, so Samuel was now lying on top of him.

"Look at you being shy... Pfft. Cute." Bopping their noses together, Justin pecked his skating partner on the lips when the latter removed his hands off of his face.

"Tch... No, but seriously— you look tired, Jus." Samuel's tone was laced in worry, now seeing the dark circles under Justin's eyes clearly.

"Mhm... Say that again." Justin hummed, lips curling up to that boyish grin of his, leaving Samuel's heart doing odd somersaults inside his chest.

"W-what? That you look tired?" Samuel asked, cheeks heating up again.

"My name, silly... l Like the sound of it from your mouth. 'S sexy," Justin said, cupping Samuel's face softly, hovering over him now.

"D-don't wanna." Samuel averted Justin's gaze, feeling like he was drowning again with his lungs full of air. It didn't feel heavy— he oddly felt light instead.

"Pfft... C'mon. Indulge me for a bit." Justin continued to tease, enjoying himself at seeing Samuel get shy like this.

"Why? You're planning on something naughty again, aren't you?" Samuel asked, taking a deep breath before turning towards Justin again, raising his brow rather tauntingly as if he was unfazed.

"In my defense, I was not. Though that doesn't sound like a bad idea." Justin wiggled his brows as he playfully slid his hands down, squeezing Samuel's ass, making the latter let out a silent gasp.

"No. We'll be late for practice, and you haven't even slept yet. I'm not gonna milk you dry and risk you dropping me later." Samuel was trying to ignore how Justin kept on kneading his behind.

"Tch. Stingy... Then just say my name— oh! and a kiss, 'think that'll be enough to get me through the day." Justin playfully puckered his lips, while Samuel rolled his eyes at him.

"Pfft... Were you always this sappy? Mhm— Jus." Samuel placed a soft peck on Justin's lips as he granted the latter's request to tease, making Justin groan before flipping him down, now hovering over him.

"D'you have any idea what you do to me?" Justin pushed Samuel's hair back so he could see more of his face.

"No... Tell me about it— later, when you survive today's practice." Samuel was smirking as he pushed Justin off of him, getting up from the bed, rushing out of the room before he could even hear Justin's protests.

"Tch... I'm really going crazy, aren't I? Pfft..." Justin was giggling to himself as he got off of the bed as well, wincing immediately when he felt that familiar throbbing pain around his ankle the moment his foot touched the floor.

"Ah. Shit."

________________

Another boring day had just passed at the university clinic and Eric Choi was about to wrap it up, go home and rest. A student skater just left after getting his swollen ankle iced again, despite Eric recalling that he already saw the kid yesterday; thus proving that the said student didn't listen to him when he said no skating for one week after spraining his ankle.

It was tiresome, taking care of kids who thought they could conquer the world with their fragile limbs, that is. They believe they could always brave their way and swallow the pain, disregarding the certitude that their bodies could always break and give up on them.

They were no superhumans. They were just kids who skate— and Eric hated that the students seemed to have collectively agreed to think the same way; reminding him of the only person who was brave enough to walk away— skating prodigy Lisa Jeon, who he used to date back in high school.

"Morning, doc." Justin barged into the university clinic before heading towards arena B for practice.

"What? Don't tell me you got hurt again? It's nine a.m. Justin." Eric then stiffened upon hearing that familiar voice, still he didn't move— didn't even bother to turn towards the door.

"No, no. Of course not. I was just wondering if you have that magic spray of yours? Maybe some painkillers too—"

"It's hurting again, isn't it? Told you that damn fall you said you did as a prank is a bad one. Tch. You twisted your ankle, Justin. Give it a rest, at least a week." The young doctor grabbed the coolant spray Justin asked for as he moved towards the boy.

If he remembered it correctly, it was around two months ago when Rose rushed Justin at the clinic with a swollen ankle after a failed landing. Eric already knew it was bad, but Justin insisted that he was fine. True to his words, two days later, his ankle wasn't swollen anymore, so the doctor allowed him to return to class.

"C'mon doc. You know I can't. I'll be competing in the Nationals soon, I can't even miss a day of practice. I'm fine, I just landed on the wrong foot when I got out of bed this morning. Swear, it's nothing serious." Justin was scratching the back of his neck with a smile on his face.

Lies. Eric knew that Justin was lying just by judging the way he was standing, putting most of his weight on his right foot, while keeping the heel of his left off the ground.

"Stand straight then." The doctor was crossing his arms over his chest, watching as Justin's grin contorted to a wince as he balanced his weight on both his feet. "See?" Eric said again, proving his assumptions right.

Justin hadn't recovered from his injury.

"Dr. Choi, it doesn't make sense! I've been fine for months now!— Look, Samuel had an even worse injury than mine last year and he's doing perfectly well. There's just absolutely no reason for me—"

"Samuel missed the Nationals last year. He underwent therapy and rested for two straight months. You, on the other hand, did not. A week. Rest for a week, or I'll tell Ms. Allen that you're not fit to join the Nationals this year. You choose," Eric said, tossing the spray towards Justin.

"Y-you can't do that. Pfft, c'mon doctor-"

"You know that I can, kid. Don't test me." Eric was pointing towards the chair, gesturing for Justin to sit there so he could check his ankle. "There aren't any broken bones, so I'm guessing this is a stress fracture that hasn't had enough time to recover. It's not serious for now, but if you continue being stubborn, the damage will likely be long-term." Eric started spraying Justin's ankle with the coolant before getting up on his feet and grabbing some painkillers for the latter to take.

"Fine... A week. Just a week." Justin gritted his teeth as he spoke, pulling himself up again, already thinking of ways to explain to Samuel that he'd miss some days of practice.

"A week, but if it doesn't go better, then I'm afraid you might have to go through therapy and miss the Nationals this season. If you don't want that, then rest. Come to me twice a day and we'll have that in constant check," Eric said, seeing the stress that was now evident in Justin's usually carefree face.

"I'm sure I'll be fine. Thanks, doc." Justin balled his fists on the sides, biting his quivering lips between his teeth, trying his best not to limp as he headed out of the clinic.

_______________

This can't be happening. No matter how hard Justin tried to think of the reason for this stress fracture to resurface, he really couldn't think of any. He may have lied about the pain he was feeling now, but Justin was honest when he told the doctor that he'd been fine for months.

Sure, he may have to ice his feet after practice from time to time, but that was just normal, everyone does that when their muscles feel tired.

Still, he must comply. He knew how strict Dr. Eric was when it came to treating injuries no matter how minor they were, and the latter would really pull him out of the competition if he deemed it necessary, so he couldn't afford to play coy now.

Standing by arena B's door, Justin took a deep breath, preparing himself before he broke the bad news to both Mark Hamilton and Samuel. Thinking about it now, it shouldn't be that big a big deal. Days pass by fast, so before they know it, he'd be back again in top shape. Samuel had a few injuries in the past too so Justin was confident that he'd understand.

With that thought, Justin forced himself to smile as he turned the knob— only for the same smile to drop when he saw three people inside. Samuel, Mark Hamilton and Jeon Hye-Jin.

Samuel's mother.

"Finally! What took you so long, you brat? Ms Hey-Jin's here to observe by the way. Sorry for the short notice, but I believe you two will be fine," Hamilton said, but Justin's eyes were fixed on Samuel who was looking so scared, staring at him as if asking for help— and with that, Justin found himself hiding his balled fists on his back, taking another deep breath as he straightened up his posture, lifting his head high with a smile.

"Ah, sorry to keep you waiting. I had to have my coffee before practice— oh, and good morning. It's a pleasure to have you here today, ma'am." Justin bowed politely at Samuel's mother, just as his own mother had taught him. The woman simply rolled her eyes at him, before he dropped his bags, approaching Samuel near the boards.

"I- ʼm sorry... I didn't know. Y-you haven't been able to rest well, and now this—"

"Shush... Calm down, princess. You'll be fine." Justin cut off Samuel's panicked whispers as he bumped their foreheads together, looking straight into Samuel's eyes.

"T-thank you, Justin. I mean it," Samuel said, believing Justin's words, feeling more relieved now than earlier.

"I got you. Always." Justin was hoping that God would be kind enough to answer his prayers again that day.

_______________

As much as Justin wanted to lie— he couldn't. He held his breath the moment he tried to balance out his weight on the ground. Cold sweat formed like bullets on his forehead, followed by a sharp shiver running up his spine as Mark Hamilton told them to get in position.

Their mentor then instructed them on what to do, telling them that they were not to perform any of their official routines for the competition since Hye-jin, despite being Samuel's mother, was still a judge and one of the board members of the competition. He reminded them on the things they should improve, what song to— and Justin hated how he couldn't hear a thing. He couldn't process it, so he was just hoping his body would know how to do its thing. There was that sharp noise ringing in his ears, feeling the pain from his ankle crawl up to his leg, making him sweat more, sucking out his strength which made him regret remembering that he hadn't slept yet.

Justin never felt like this before. Sure, he had injuries in the past, some even worse than this, but never did he have to face it with this kind of pressure— this type of need to be better.

Never did it involve Samuel Jeon.

With another deep breath, Justin grit his teeth, clenching his jaw as he tried to silence the ringing inside his head, gathering all of whatever strength he could pull out of his own system since his last decent rest, just so he could stand straight.

Still, he wore a smile on his face; squeezing Samuel's hand to assure the latter that they'd be okay, though that was just him trying to convince himself.

Then the music started.

*Now playing: Reckoner : Radiohead*

Jeon Hye-jin hadn't said a word since Justin had arrived at the arena. She was just there, sitting like a doyenne, watching their every move like a silent hawk on the hunt. Justin wouldn't have minded it under normal circumstances, hell! He would probably just shrug it off, taking it easy as usual, but now he felt so exposed. It's as if he was standing there sans his clothes, baring his flesh, muscles and bones on display— and he hated how for the first time he didn't want anyone to see his flaws.

Slow and steadily he then skimmed across the ice to Samuel on the other side, following the beat of the latter tapping his palms against the board, as if performing some sort of odd ritual to summon him out— and he did.

Like a moth with its fragile wings, flying straight to the flame, Justin coasted towards him, snapping his fingers smugly as if he wasn't feeling that stabbing pain within each of his steps.

Ah. It felt like death.

Yet as he stood behind Samuel, holding the latter's waist, guiding him as he did a progressive towards the centre, followed by a chasse.

One-two, three-four, five-six....

Then the skating partners held each other's hand, making half circles with their swing rolls, with Samuel turning to face Justin, meeting his gaze with a smile, and the latter felt alive again.

Suddenly, the pain was reduced to nothing. Justin couldn't think of anything else, and that was Samuel's effect on him. He blanked him out, occupying each corner of his mind, making him feel both numb and dumb— and that was fine. When it was Samuel, Justin would always be fine with that.

The pain in his ankle continued to intensify with each move he made. Every step felt like knives going past his flesh, yet Justin's eyes were fixed on Samuel, following the way the latter curled his body against Justin's palms, twisting and bending like a puppet on his command, giving him his full trust and Justin wouldn't dare break that.

No. Justin would rather die than break Samuel's trust.

________________

With his mother's eyes on them, observing their forms and their movements as if they were being dissected, Samuel oddly felt okay. He felt like air, light and weightless. He felt like water. He felt like clay.

Justin's eyes were on him as if they were the only ones there— as if he was owning him, and Samuel was willingly letting him.

The accident back when they were twelve had long been forgotten, replaced by the newfound freedom Justin generously offered him when he lifted him in the air, promising to never drop him again, making him feel the open wind above his head and before Samuel knew it, he was trusting him again.

With his eyes open, Samuel's lips curled up to a small smile, before launching himself straight into Justin's arms.

_________________

Justin's heart then clenched inside his chest, bracing himself, gritting his teeth like they were about to break when Samuel jumped and gave him his whole weight. The pain travelled up to his calves, making his knees feel like they were about crack, still, he lifted Samuel, face heating up, cold sweat dripping on his back; he spun around, performing a two-arm rotational lift, making sure that none of the excruciating pain he was feeling would show up.

Because that's how it was supposed to be. Everything inside of them can break and crush into tiny little pieces, but they still had to make it look pretty— perfect. Nothing more, nothing less.

Justin's lips quivered as he forced a smile, moving in perfect sync with Samuel, letting his body bend and fold into impossible shapes, doing ruthless salchows as they propelled themselves into the air, and then landing back on the outside edge of their skates. Feeling his muscles twist and cramp up under his skin— yet Justin was executing everything perfectly, which made him wonder if he was still human, or if his body still belonged to him.

Then, Samuel smiled at him again after catching a glimpse of Jeon Hye-jin slightly nodding her head in approval while watching them, and with that Justin became sure that— no. At this point, he'd be willing to jump off a cliff, if it meant that he'd get see Samuel smiling like this to him, even if he sunk into the deep.

No, his body, heart, mind and everything were no longer his— they belonged to the man in front of him.

Fuck it, Justin thought, smiling all defeated as he kneeled in front of Samuel as part of the choreography.

He was there, looking at him like an emperor—a God, and Justin was more than willing to worship him.

"S-sorry," Justin mumbled under his breath, voice shaking as the pain from his ankle crawled up to his head, tears streaming down his cheeks, making Samuel's eyes grow wide, staring at him both in worry and confusion as the music came to an end.

They stayed in position as Jeon Hye-jin got up from her seat, eyeing them both with that blank face of hers, hauntingly resembling Samuel Jeon, when the latter was not thinking of anything. The difference was, Jeon Hye-jin's eyes were empty as if there was no soul under them.

"Good. That's decent enough, at least," She said, heading out of the arena followed by Mark Hamilton so they could observe the others.

"J-Justin?" Samuel asked, heart sinking to his feet in both panic and worry as Justin's tears started free falling against his cheeks, collapsing on the floor after getting off the rink, hugging his left knee, and from there Samuel found himself crying as well.

"S-sorry... I— I'm sorry," Justin struggled to speak, crashing into Samuel's chest as the latter pulled him into his arms, hugging him tight as if he might break— which he did. Quite literally, that is.

"W-why? G-god Justin... Why?" Samuel asked, his voice trembling now that he saw the state of Justin's left ankle, bulging all swollen as he took out his skates.

"H-hah... Silly, you. Had to save my princess from the witch, of course," Justin said, still having the audacity to spit out a joke as if he wasn't about to faint at any second.

"Fool... Y-you're really a damn fucking fool, Justin." Samuel cupped Justin's jaw as he kissed him fully on the lips, tasting the latter's pain and tears, hoping he could take at least half of it.