do you know what 

it's like to want to die

and be alive in the same time

you are just overwhelmed

by everything around

you.

everything makes you question

and you either live believing

nothing is a miracle

or everything

is a miracle

and somehow

miraculously

i believed in both.

but right now

as i stand in front

of the one person

i both wished to and to never

again see

i long for any feeling

any at all

just so i know where i stand.

he looks at me 

his haunting eyes 

a dead color

his face pale

and posture broken

he was not the man from my memories.

"eli" he said "how have you been?"

and then it hurt.

my name on his lips

made anger rise

he just came

and i don't know

what were his expectations

but as i slammed the door

in his face

with every loud knock

into the wooden surface i leaned on

my heart broke a little

and no more

i felt the need

to ever see this man.

my sister didn't come out

of her room

and i thanked her for it

but my mother's cries

could be heard

and right now

more than ever

i wanted everything

to dissolve into oblivion

and forget

what it's like 

to breathe.