it is said that you only

die once and that you live

every day.

from my perspective

it is completely different.

i die almost every day

and rare times are

when i live.

today was a day

when i felt more dead

than alive

and i died

with every breath.

my chest ached

not only for my mother

who now i never see

without a glass of red wine

and my sister

that deserves better than she got

and most of all

the one

that makes me feel

because i didn't come home

tonight

and i don't know

weather i should

at all.

bright fluorescent lights

of strange washrooms

are suddenly what i crave

some color in the dark

some highlight in my life

anything

that makes me wonder

and makes me feel

like i am alive.

ironic, isn't it?

the things that

kill us

make us feel

alive.

the thick smoke

and the red on my skin

and my tear streaked cheeks

and the pain i feel

and the cold

oh the cold

the cold that makes every atom

of my body freeze.