it was the hundredth

night that my father didn't come home.

i tried to stay numb but thinking only

one hundred days ago

he was here and i don't

know why i wanted in my life

the man that robbed me off

my childhood.

so as i sat on the

fire escape

earlier than i usually came

i was numb.

but as soon as the sky started darkening

jean appeared next to me.

he sat a little closer than usual

and said something but i couldn't

hear him.

"eli what's wrong?" he asked after a while.

i just shook my head. i looked

at him and my vision

blurred from the

tears that fought

to fall down my cheeks.

"he didn't come home."

i mumbled.

"he won't be coming home."

"do you want him to?" he asked me

even though he had

no idea what i was

talking about.

i shrugged as tears began to fall down my cheeks

and i looked up

and i tried focusing

on the noises of the cars

on the street and

the clacking of dishes

from the chinese restaurant

but i couldn't

so i just let them fall

and then i was engulfed

into warmth and a scent

of cigarettes and chocolate

and i felt like home

right there

in his arms

i never wanted him

to let go.