I failed.

I freaking fail the entrance exam.

I am a failure.

And you know what makes it worse?

Ayumu and Sayaka pass.

Yeah, you must be thinking that I am the worst friend someone can ever get but do try to imagine how I feel.

I am one of the smartest students in my grade. Always in the top five ranking. Never fail even one paper. The two of them are the opposite of me. Their achievements are average. Sometimes fail and sometimes barely pass their papers.

I studied three months earlier for the test. I wrecked my brain upside down to prepare for the exam. I had done so many exercises to the point I lost count of them.  I missed so many of my favourite anime just to study.

I left kendo, my long-lived passion for the sake of the exam.

I gave up every pieces of me.

I sacrificed all part of me.

I threw everything away.

Everything part of me for that exam.

So, why?

Why them?

Why not me?

It should be me!

No matter from what aspect you see it, I deserve it more than them.

So, why? Why ya Allah?

Answer me please.

Isn't all these tears enough to prove it?

I stare at my reflection on the mirror.

Black blazer. Light blue shirt. Dark blue skirt. Royal blue tie.

Blue is my favourite colour but today I despise it the most.

Refusing to look any longer to the uniform that I resent, I reach for my bag and go downstairs. The moment my feet step on the first stair, my house goes silence. There is no more noise or whispers.

They were talking about me.

When the result was announced, I shut down myself and locked myself in my rooms for a few days. Avoiding any type of interaction except with food of course. Each one of them tried even my little brother with his ice-cream tried to comfort me but I pushed all of them away. After a few days, they gave up and gave me the space and time I needed. A month had passed and I am still bitter about it. Nothing change except I started to talk even though only a few words.

When I reach the dinner room, all of them are staring at me.

"Ohayou."

Silence.

"I'll eat the breakfast along the way. Don't wanna be late. See you later. " With that I grab my bento and head to the door. Suddenly, I am engulfed in a big warm hug by my mother and without a notice, the whole family are hugging my life out of me.

"I'm so proud of you," my mum says. I am giving my best to not cry so early in the morning.

No, I am not. I am a disgrace to the family.

"Look at my baby, all grown up and now starting her first day at high school," my dad wipes his imaginary tears off his eyes.

If only, it was that school.

"The uniform really suits you, sis. You look amazing," Seiko praises, honesty laced on her voice.

No, I'm not.

"You look like you're ready to rock out the whole school, " Tatsuki squeezes my shoulder. The most brotherly act he ever done to me since we had grown up.

Somebody tug at my skirt. I look down only to see my little brother, Haruki is grinning at me wholeheartedly, "Ganbatte-ne Reina-neechan! "

I nod and just give them a small smile before saying goodbye and take my leave for my new high school.

To Minami High School.

"Good morning, Reina! "

And this morning just get worse. Her voice is the last thing I want to hear that morning. Since I fail the test and Ayumu and Sayaka pass it, it only meant that I will be left alone with Sakura. She is the most 'slow' among four of us and being the one accompanying her in Minami High I feel like I just have ashamed myself. I fall so low even to Sakura's standard. I am a mean person, didn't I?

I just cannot help it. That thought cross my mind and I cannot chase it away. It is there, in my mind, provoking me.

"Morning, " my voice comes in a monotone. My disinterest is so oblivious, even a blind man can sense it but still I do not make an effort to cover my harsh attitude.

"I am so excited for today! Can't wait to meet new friends and teachers," she squeals beside me. Her eyes are shining with joy and excitement.

Unfortunately, mine don't. "Yeah, me too. "

I look everywhere but her. She reminds me of the fact that I am there with her, walking to Minami High when that whole situation is literally a nightmare to me. Her presence alone infuriates me. How can I survive now? 

"Maybe even a boyfriend! Who knows? "

"Sure. "

"You know what makes me happier? "

I shake my head, too lazy to reply.

"The fact that you're here with me! "

I snap.

Not literally but practically snap. Realizing that she had push the wrong button, she tries to hold my hand but she is too late.

"I didn't me-mean it tha-t way. It came out wrong, " she stutters. She knows how petrifying I can be whem I am infuriated because her face loses all its colour.

"Did you just straight to my face that you're happy I fail? "

If there is a device that can measure how pissed I am at that time, I sm sure that it will be broken by that moment.Guilt is all over her face but it is not enough.

"I'm sorry. I-"

"Save it! You're secretly enjoying this, don't you? "

"What? Of course not! "

I am too angry to even said a word. My chest feels heavy like the whole universe is placed upon it. My breath hitch like my life depends on it. Well, it actually does...

Black dots begin to fulfill my vision and I can feel my sanity starts to fade away along with my consciousness. My surrounding suddenly become blurs and soon whirling all around me,doing flip-flops.

All of them are booing at me.

Useless.

Futile.

Hopeless.

Dumb.

Idiot.

Stupid.

I hold my head with both of my hands because it starts throbbing. It is painful like a herd of elephant is stomping on my head. Sakura is still in front of me with wide eyes and open mouth. She is saying something but I cannot figure out what. The only thing I can recognize is 'idiot' but I know it is not that.

I am on the verge of tear.

The strong act that I have try to hold onto for so long shatters to dust and I know this time it is impossible to gain it back.

They're gone.

My sanity. My courageous. My confidence. My bright days.

All of them are gone.

So, I run.

Run away to where my legs bring me.

From all my problems.

All the pain.

°•Reina's kinda cruel isn't she :/  but it's part of being human to feel that kind of feeling, even I felt it a few times in my life. You just have to figure out a way to sort out your feelings. Be happy for your friend if you're friends that is.

Thank you and lots of love from me!

xoxox
ruzaie