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Chapter Nine| Redemption
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Jason Braverman had watched his older brother take Olivia's diary from Ian, had watched as he disappeared upstairs likely to his bedroom and had seen his forlorn expression as he had walked back, downstairs. A never ending weight seeming to make his shoulders droop, his eyes were bloodshot as if he had cried and Jason knew it wouldn't get better any time soon.

Jason had seen how happy Jake had been when he had returned, hated that the situation didn't afford them the opportunity to have those moments, and yet it felt as if it were karma. As if all Olivia's hurt, and pain that they had ignored had come around right back. The guilt of having caused even a fraction of that pain was beginning to eat at them, Jason knew his reoccurring nightmares were a manifestation of his guilt, Dr. Ann had concluded that much as well. However their guilt wouldn't fix the situation, it wouldn't make things right.

"Are you okay?" Ian asked, concern and understanding deepened his voice as he asked. Ian knew how bad the entry had to have been, having read Olivia's letter to their mother he knew she had spoken a little of what had happened to her with Dr. Ann, Ian Braverman knew to read between the lines. Not many walked away from trauma like that mentally or emotionally unscathed. It had devastated Ian to think of what she went through.

Ian Braverman could only imagine the words that had followed on, the entries that came after that. The pain, and fear. The isolation that Olivia must have felt. Marcia may have been a pillar of support for the little girl, however Marcia had only been one person divided amongst a family that had been torn apart. What she could do, and the support she could give had been limited.

And Ian wondered how much had Olivia been made to face alone? It was a thought that struck deep in Ian's heart and lingered in his mind.

"Not even fucking close" Jake swore, his left hand trembled as he covered his eyes, his breathing uneven and shaking.

Jason Braverman had no words of comfort for his older brother, so he gave Jake the time he needed to gather himself as Jason opened the little diary in his hands. And as he read he understood why his eldest brother looked to be so exhausted, and he understood why the usually confident Jake seemed so defeated.

Yet it was not guilt, or sadness that gripped Jason's heart rather fury, blinding and hot that took hold of his rapidly beating heart, all he could feel was a suffocating anger as his younger sister described her home, their home, as a prison. When her own happy memories had become a bitter reminder for her.

And it was the realization that someone, that perhaps the Wilson's, had done this to her; had crippled her so badly that she had described herself as voiceless. Had made her fear so much that her dreams had become nightmares, they had taken so much of herself that she could no longer see a future for herself.

'They' had taken so much of her, had picked away at all that made her special until she was a shell of who she was. She became an outsider peering into herself, to find that nothing was the same.

And the girl who could always forgive, could not find an ounce of forgiveness for those who had made her that way.

Jason's grip tightened as he read, yet he was powerless. He could only breath, could only spool all that raw wrath inside, he could only let his own fear take its place. Jason stood up and passed the book to Matter before he left the room to stand outside. And he let the air, cool his blood.

Matter Braverman had no sympathy for his brothers and even less pity for himself; he had realized even now they had prioritized their own feelings of guilt over Olivia. They were still emotionally immature in how they faced others, and how they faced themselves. Their own emotions had become an obstacle for them as they hesitated. Matter had little to no expectations of finding Olivia using her diary, yet even so this had been Olivia's last request for them. Olivia had wished to confide in them, through her diary she had left behind her words unsaid, and yet he and his brothers continued to let the little girl down.

Matter Braverman wanted to be his sister's confidant as he had been in the past, he wished to once more be the boy that she could whisper her secrets too. So Matter to read the words sprawled on the page, he too read of his younger sisters plight and he did not cower away, even as his heart sank with every shaky word written on that page. Even as he read Olivia's struggles with her panic attack come alive before his eyes, Matter would no longer hesitate to find out more of who that sweet little girl had grown to become.

And when he was done, only silence loomed over him as he and his brothers sat in a room that seemed to small, too stuffy. As they suffocated on their own desperate emotions. Maybe there would be no redemption for them, was all Matter could think as the last words echoed in his mind.

'I was alone, and I could not breath'

Matter swore as he passed the book back to his eldest brother.

"She wrote a letter to mom..." Ian broke the silence as Jason entered the room, once more taking up his seat near his brothers.

Jake flinched as he listened to what Ian said, he could not imagine how Olivia must have felt. Writing to a mother who would never respond, could not imagine how Olivia felt wishing for comfort from a family that hadn't cared enough to know. Regret however was an emotion that always came too late.

"Before the accident Livy confided in mom about something that happened before, its bad..." Ian began as he looked down toward the diary now in his hands once more "It must have been really bad, because I think mom tried to turn back, I think she either wanted to go back to the Wilson's or-"

Ian hesitated. "Or what?" Jake demanded as he sat up straight, having put his emotions in check.

"Mercy hospital is in the same direction of the Wilson's house" Ian spat out, he didn't want to imagine what that would mean for his sister. Didn't want the what if's that came with it to be possibilities And Ian could see from Jake's paling face that he thought the same.

"It was raining so hard that night, if mom turned the car around in that kind of storm, especially if she was upset..." Matter spoke up, a bitter feeling swelling in his heart. Matter hadn't needed to finish his sentence for his brothers to understand what he meant. It had been no wonder why the accident happened, They had blamed Olivia for an error of judgment made by a mother who had been made to bear the pain of her child's wound and had tried to help her child.

And Olivia had been made to bare the blame of that error, They had accused her for they needed someone to blame and yet they had never thought to blame the circumstances that surrounded that accident.

"Dr. Ann diagnosed Olivia with PTSD, I thought it was because of the accident but what if it was caused by whatever happened before the accident? Or both?" Jake questioned as he tugged at his hair, he didn't know. Jake Braverman knew nothing of what happened that night, however

"Olivia mentions needing to move past what happened that night to heal, but she doesn't mention the car crash" Jason thought of what Olivia had written in her entry "She mentions never forgiving, never getting over the betrayal"

"She confided in Dr. Ann about the accident, but not about the events leading up to it?" Ian questioned, remembering the line he had read weeks ago 'I am voiceless' . As if her fear of that night kept her silent, as if she was scared of someone or something. Ian could not help but to link that fear to the words in her letter 'I have made peace with the fact no one will ever believe me'.

"In the next entry she wrote about a panic attack where she was reliving memories of that night, she mentions running out the house past her, with the mention of betrayal in the previous entry don't you think she's referring to Emma?" Matter added in as he recalled Olivia's panic driven entry, her usually neat hand writing had been so over the pace that Matter had worried over what kind of mental state the girl had been in having had to relieve what must have been one of the most horrific nights in the young girls life.

"Do you think Emma knows where Olivia is?" Jason wondered, he was sure now that the girl knew all that had happened that night, had, had a part to play in the suffering Olivia had gone through after, knew that the secret Olivia kept was kept by Emma too. So he would not wonder what she knew, would likely not ask her what Olivia had gone through should they meet. Rather Jason wished to hear it from Olivia, not through her diary, nor through the people she knew, Jason wanted to hear his sister story through her own mouth. To know that she confided in him, and perhaps then he could feel closer to her as the diary had only ever brought him the feeling of distance between the two siblings.

"Likely not, however I asked Law to look into their family. Hopefully we can talk to her when Mrs. Wilson isn't around" Ian revealed, He had no doubt that Mrs. Wilson would only get in their way should they visit once more. "Did Livy mention anything else in her diary?"

"Insomnia, anxiety, depression" Jake listed with a frown. Jake had been truly terrified when he had read Dr. Ann's diagnosis of Olivia's condition, had been Fearful of what Olivia had been through alone. He was still scared that the girl he watched grow up was still suffering in that pit of black, suffering from a wound that he feared was still bleeding.

Jason Braverman flinched, he had read the same. Had read of Olivia's depression, Jason recalled that Olivia had said she was taking medication and he wondered if she had that medication with her. He wondered of the repercussions that would occur if she were to stop taking the medication. Would it make her condition worse?

Jason Braverman understood the struggle, his own nightmares made worse simply by forgetting to take his own medication. The sleepless nights he had, had before it all got so much worse had driven him to exhaustion. And even then, with his medication, the side effects were sometimes enough to knock him off his feet. Perhaps it was why Jake had preferred to nip the problems at the bud, to move past what triggered his horror filled nights.

The thoughts made him sick, the uncertainties only bringing in new waves of panic.

Matter Braverman was pale, yet he had already prepared himself for the worst when he had read of her nightmares before. He had always known it was bad, knew the part he had played and understood it would not be easy going forth. Despite knowing however, Matter held onto the hope that things had looked up for the girl, evidence of that had been the graduation photo he had found online. Olivia had mentioned her poor performance in school before, so knowing what Olivia had achieved despite the hardships had given Matter the smallest amount of hope, and he had been reminded of Melvin's words before.

It's not about where she is, but how she got there.

Matter looked toward the box on the floor, he had wondered earlier why Olivia had kept newspaper clippings of their mother's death and news articles of Derrick's suicide now he thought he understood. Perhaps it had been Derrick who had hurt Olivia, and the guilt had driven him to suicide. The reason for Mrs. Wilson's lies and the betrayal Olivia felt toward Emma, were because they had been protecting their own family. The thought didn't sit well with Matter as it meant that they had used his mother's death and his sisters own fears to hide their own faults, they had hurt Olivia and used that pain to keep her silent.

"I have an appointment with the bank tomorrow; I want to get Olivia's bank statements, we can at least track her movements before she left through where she spent her money" Jake didn't want to imagine the endless possibilities playing on in his head, he had preferred to think of ways to move forward. They could no longer afford to be hesitant.

Ian Braverman thought about it before he offered "I'll go with you, we can find out if Olivia opened her own debit or savings account" Ian thought it might explain why Olivia hadn't used her savings account.

"Olivia could have also pawned some of her stuff for cash, her room is basically empty I doubt she took all that stuff with her" Matter added in.

Jason however thought it was unlikely as Olivia wouldn't have had many valuable things to pawn. "She could have donated it"

"We should ask around town if anyone has seen her, that and reading her diary is all we have to go on right now" Ian suggested.

"Me and Matter will go ask around the church, Mrs. Wilson used to volunteer there and the aunties in the church like to talk" Jason agreed with Ian. Jason Braverman had grown up in the small town, he knew where to go if he wanted to know all about someone, for there were little secrets in a small town.

"What about Olivia's school?" Jake asked.

"I called one of Olivia's teachers; they couldn't tell me anything more than what we already knew. Looking through social media accounts didn't yield much either, I did however find this" Matter explained before taking out the graduation photo taken by the school. Matter knew his brothers would feel as he had, the pride he had for his younger sister had been endless and so had the regret. He knew that missing such an event would be one of many things he would never be able to make up for.

Matter Braverman watched his brothers pass the photo around, had even sent the digital version to their phones upon their request and with that the Braverman brothers all went to bed, for they had, had a long day ahead of them.

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Suffocating.

Jason Braverman felt as if he were suffocating, drowning under a blanket of terror. His fear made real, yet it was not reality that he was made to watch.

Voiceless.

Jason Braverman felt his throat was raw as his screams went unheard, as he pleaded at those who could not hear them. As he begged Olivia, as he begged his mother so vibrant and alive to please not get into the car. Yet all Jason could do was watch as his mother's car disappeared into the storm.

Hopeless.

Jason could only watch from the back seat, as his mother drove down that familiar road, his pleas still unheard. And Jason Braverman could do naught as the car swerved, he could do nothing as his world came crashing down along with his mothers car. And he was hopeless as he watched his mother and sister bleed out before his eyes.

Alone.

Jason Braverman gasped awake from the sheer panic he had felt, his heart a mess, his throat dry and his eyes red rimmed and he choked on his own sobs as his nightmare lived on his head. He had, had the dream every night since Olivia had left, each time the car would crash Jason would be made to see his mother and sister die a different death. And when he would awake in the middle of the night, Jason would be alone and he would truly understand the words Olivia had written. He understood what it meant to be made Voiceless by your own fears, to be hopeless when you had no power to change what was happening around you, he understood what it meant to suffocate in those negative emotions.

Jason Braverman understood what it meant to struggle alone.

And he despised knowing that Olivia had that same understanding for his own situation, despite not knowing it herself. Perhaps it would have been easier for both of them, had they gone through it together yet they suffered in their own silence. He who could have reached out had chose to instead push away, and she who could have reached out was made to bear it in fear of being rejected, in fear of being blamed.

They had all lived in their own fears, unmoving and afraid of what would happen next.

Jason Braverman hadn't known how long he sat in his dark room alone until his sore throat drove him to switch on the lights, however as his eyes had adjusted to the light, Jason's sight could not help but to fall onto his desk, to where his charcoal pencils lay, and blank art books lay sprawled out and Jason had the urge to draw his pain away, Much like Olivia had often used writing to chase away her own pain.

Jason sat at his desk, and as thoughts of his sister consumed his thoughts, Jason's imagination went wild on those blank pages. Rough sketches became Illustration as light streamed in through the windows and Jason felt truly at peace for the first time in a long while.

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Jake Braverman could only regret having agreed to bring Ian along with him to the bank, should have known the older boy had, had ulterior motives when he had made the suggestion the night before. However it had been too late by the time Jake had noticed his older brothers Curiosity filled eyes, or his lopsided grin, for the two had already been making their way through Main street.

Jake could only ignore Ian as the two walked; he was not so ignorant as to not know what Ian was curious about. Having gone out with Cleopatra the day before, Jake thought it was quite obvious what his older brother wished to ask, however Jake was not so keen on sharing his thoughts or feelings or even retelling the events of the day before.

However under Ian's persistent gaze Jake could only grit his teeth and walk faster, he was all too familiar with the way Ian would coax a person into confiding in him. It was much too similar to how their mother would coax Jake into telling her things about himself, how she would find little excuses to follow him around the house, mentioning this or that to converse with him. And only when Jake would give in and tell her about his day would Maria Braverman grin, patting Jake on his head before she would leave to do other things.

Jake Braverman had but one pet peeve. He had always hated having his personal space invaded, had been that way since he was a child, yet Jake was not one to easily lose his temper especially around his family, so when his mother or siblings would pester Jake, Jake could only always give in to them.

Ian Braverman who had been trailing behind his brother could not stop himself from chuckling. Ian took comfort in knowing that no matter how much his siblings had grown, or how far they had grown apart there were still something's that would not change.

Jake Braverman had made it all of a few steps before he sighed in defeat, having no longer been able to handle Ian's persistent staring "Just Ask!"

"So..." Ian dragged out, as his grin stretched across his face into a mischievous smile "How was your date?"

Ian had meant to ask Jake the night before, however Olivia had taken precedence over Jake's date, It was yet another thing Ian had, had to feel guilt over. Ian knew Jake had very few people he could or even would confide in, it was due to this reason that the boy never seemed to share any of his joy, or sadness with anyone.

After the accident Jake had, had no one for whom he could converse with. No one he had felt comfortable talking too. Jake had lost his confidant in the car accident, Losing their mother had hit him and Olivia the hardest it was perhaps why the usually rational minded boy had been the first to lash out at their younger sister. That had changed however after Jake had met the twins, and Ian had noticed the change the two had brought to Jake's life.

Jake who shared nothing had learnt to share little bits of himself and Ian had missed this change in his younger brother, had been too caught up in his own struggles to really care, yet another regret Ian had. He had missed so many little moments in each of his sibling's lives. Had missed all the little changes that had matured them, had made them into the young men and woman they were now.

Olivia more so than the others.

Jake Braverman rolled his eyes in annoyance "It was not a date" he insisted. Jake was aware of the difference between an outing between friends and a date, and while the thought of Cleo kissing his cheek sent Jake's heart into flutter and made him feel giddy Jake knew the day before hadn't been a date between him and Cleo.

Ian sighed through his nose in frustration "I concede, How did your non-date with Cleo go?" Ian snorted, he wondered what Cleopatra thought of their outing, it had after all been Cleo who had asked Jake out.

"It was enjoyable" Jake gave Ian a perfunctory reply, making Ian groan. He should have known better than to ask Jake.

"Details, Jake" Ian Whined "I want details"

"Then ask detail specific questions" Jake snickered.

Ian glared at Jake before he rattled off a list of questions he had wanted to ask the night before "Where did you go? What did you do? Who paid? You didn't make her pay did you? Did you guys go and get food? Did you hold her hands? Why did you return so late? Did you guys go get dinner together? If you both went to dinner it counts as a date"

"We went to a carnival, we rode some rides, no I did not let her pay, we ate at the carnival, and no we did not have dinner together" Jake answered simply.

"No, No No! You skimped on the most important questions!" Ian sighed, to which Jake had only shrugged.

"You are no fun, you know that right?" Ian informed Jake as he pouted.

Jake answered Ian with a grin, as his hand came down on Ian's shoulder. Ian Tsked as the two walked into the bank. "Don't be so upset, when I get Daniel's permission to ask his sister out I'll let you help me pick out a suit" Jake admitted to his feelings before he walked toward the reception desk, leaving Ian behind.

"Hey, Hey you have to elaborate on that! Damn it!" Ian muttered with a grin as he too walked forward.

"How may I help you today sir?" The receptionist asked.

"I have an Appointment with the bank manager" Jake replied.

"You can wait in there, sir" The receptionist pointed toward an empty office before going back to work.

"Do you really think this will give us anything?" Ian asked Jake as the two took up seats in the small office.

"I checked Olivia's account balance from four years ago, adding the monthly allowance until now to the account and the money doesn't add up-"

"If Olivia had a part-time job, she could have spent that money near where she worked" Ian interrupted, he understood what his Brother had been digging for.

Jake could only nod "even if she wasn't working part time, she could have frequented places with friends"

Ian Braverman thought it hadn't been a bad idea to check, even if they didn't go in person Ian could ask Law to dig into it for him. So Ian Braverman and Jake Braverman waited for the bank manager, before the two made their way through main street asking store owners and passerby's about their sister as they went.

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Jake Braverman had been disappointed, having gone from shop to shop yet they had nothing to show for the effort, yet Jake had expected as much. The bank statements had been tucked away in the inner pocket of his suit, he would look them over later when he could sort out the different places that were listed. It would make it easier to perhaps cross reference places Olivia may have mentioned in her diary later down the road.

Jake and Ian had however found that Olivia had opened a different account, but that fact mattered little in their search for Olivia for they had no access to that account or its information. They had been no closer to finding Olivia than the night before, it had been a thought Jake found frustrating as he sat on a bench in the park with Ian seated on his right. Jake realized he was becoming familiar with that feeling of frustration yet he too realized it was a feeling brought upon himself, by his own choices.

Jake Braverman leaned back against the bench as the sun shone down on them from above their head, Jake watched from the side as Ian sat forward pulling out Olivia's Diary as he did and Jake could only feel dread well up inside his heart as he saw the now familiar book.

Ian looked at the book, he had read Olivia's ninth entry the night before "Here" Ian pressed the book into Jake's hands "Don't read your portion, read mine"

Jake Braverman was confused as he watched a faint smile play at Ian's lips and he could not help but ask "Why?"

"It was written to you, even if you were never meant to read it at the time" Ian said before he too leaned back into the bench and closed his eyes. He would wait.

Jake Braverman's gaze fell onto the book as he sat straight, yet he did not open the book at first, fear keeping him paralyzed. However it was the least he could do for Olivia, the least he could give the little girl who no longer asked for anything. So he opened the book flipping the pages until he reached the diary entry Ian wanted him to read, and his sight fell on a photo of himself. His graduation photo, he had thought no one had attended.

As Jake Braverman read his sisters words, and he cried bittersweet tears as his sister words were filled with pride, as his own success had both encouraged and inspired the very girl he had blamed and cursed. The same little girl who he had abandoned had been there for him, had stood by his side as he walked down his own path in life. And Jake Braverman felt a small weight lift from his heart and found that another weight weighed down on his shoulders.

"It wasn't all bad, it wasn't good but it wasn't all bad" Jake heard Ian say, and Jake knew that Ian perhaps understood that better than anyone.

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Word Count: [4 668]

Hey guys,

So this is late (by about 8 months) and I humbly apologize for only giving this chapter to you guys now.

I've been working on this chapter for months, typing then deleting, typing some more and then deleting. Frustrating process which I'm sure we've all been there before, I just couldn't concentrate long enough on what I was writing to find the problem with it.

BUT, Finding Olivia (while full of flaws) is my baby. And I love my characters (even the brothers) so I won't be giving this up.

I do actually hope to update more.

So once again, I am so so sorry and I am so thankful for all the new readers, those lovely readers who came to re-read 💜, and the readers who have stuck with Finding Olivia long enough to read this. You guys are Literally Amazing!

So enjoy reading and Happy New Year, may this new year bring all the happiness and joy to your lives! 💖

- 💜🦄