Somebody once told me that everything I do is my decision and as I sit here poking at my pasta, I can't help but think that I'm the one making the decision, not anyone else, and no one is forcing me. My friends glance at me every once in awhile, probably worried, as I am not one to pass up a good lunch. Not that it's good, our school lunch never is.

"Are you alright?" Hannah finally asks the unspoken question.

"Ya, why wouldn't I be?" I skip around the bush.

"You seem . . . off." Harper, Hannah's twin, answers.

"Don't worry, I'm fine." I mutter. I can't bring myself to tell them the truth. It's too embarrassing for me to do so. "I'm just not very hungry. Probably nerves."

I'm lying straight through my teen and I know they can see through that as well. 'I've performed too many times to be nervous anymore.' That's what I always say and a simple presentation in Witchcraft shouldn't make that any different.

"Did you finish your paper on time?" Andy asks me.

Nodding, I force a smile onto my face. "Yup! I've even gone through and edited it five million times!" Nothing but false cheeriness to get people off your back. They think I'm bipolar because I can go from groaning and complaining to smiling and being so cheerful. Sometimes I even scare myself.

"Lucky, I barely got it turned in in time for the due date." Emma complains.

"This is why I'm happy I'm not in AP." Harper says.

"Harper, shut up!" Hannah tells her. Playfully they glare at each other and while everyone is entertained with the twins, I steal a glance at Andres. He's on his phone and I'm certain he's playing fortnite. Never have I seen him have lunch during this time, he's always on his phone. I'm not taking inspiration from him, what I'm doing has a purpose. Him, I don't know his reasons, but I know mine and that's what matters.

"So, anyone up for a game of kiss, marry, kill?" Faith looks around the group with an excited look in her brown eyes.

"No, not again." Andy shakes her head, her black curls bouncing around her shoulders. "You always give me the worst possible options!"

Smirking, I glance at her, my now cold pasta forgotten from the conversation. "But you're so adorable when you're riled up over who to kill!" Andy smack my head while I laugh. She's petite and has very soft and feminine features but she's a little devil.

"Anyone else object?" Faith continues ignoring Andy's protests.

"I'm game." I pitch in and the others voice their agreements, Andy being the only one with a sour face.

"Alright, I'll start." Faith looks around the table before her eyes land on Jenna. "Boys or girls?" She asks her.

"Girls." Jenna answers. She's bi, or gay, I can't really remember with this group anymore.

"Alright, kiss, marry, kill . . ." Faith trails off as she tries to think of good people for Jenna.

"Wren," Emma intervenes. "Amelia, and, who else?" She glances around the cafeteria.

"Wait!" I exclaim. "No one from this table, and please, for the love of God, keep it PG this time!"

"But why?" Emma whines. "PG is no fun!"

"PG it is." Faith nods her agreement. "So Wren, not Amelia, Katie?"

Hannah nods. "Wren, Katie, who else?"

"Francis." I say referring to the short, dark skinned girl who recently moved here a month ago. She and Jenna have become really good friends and I ship them together.

"Ya!" Faith exclaims. "Kiss, marry, kill, Wren, Katie and Francis!"

Jenna thinks about that for a while before answering. "I'll kill Katie, that girl annoys me, but Wren and Francis? Oof, that's a tough one."

"I would marry Francis," Harper pipes in. "She's adorable and Wren is a little too bossy for me.

"For you," I say. "Who knows, maybe Jenna likes bossy girls."

The group laughs and Jenna stops laughing to speak. "I guess I'll kiss Wren and marry Francis."

"Do you hear that?" I whisper to Andy, playfully putting my hand up to my ear.

"Hear what?" She whispers back.

"That's the sound of my ship sailing." I smirk at her.

She nods back enthusiastically. "I'm aboard that ship!"

"Welcome aboard sailor!" I fake salut her and we laugh at each other.

The lunch monitors start sending people to dump their trays and I stand up before they start yelling at us. "Come on, let's go throw our trays away."

Everyone except Jenna and Faith get up. They stay seated, slowly eating the last of their pizza. I stare at my lunch as it falls into the trash can. I barely ate a thing and even though that's what I wanted, I don't feel how I expected to. I feel, empty.

"So, who's next?" Faith asks when we get back to the table. I don't answer and instead look over towards Andres. He's looking over as well and we make eye contact for a second before I smoothly (not) look away, acting like I wasn't just staring at him like he was me. Trying to ignore the fact that I almost got caught, I take out my phone to distract myself.

"Amelia." Andy shakes me shoulder.

"Huh?" I question confused.

"Kiss, marry, kill," Harper tells me. "Matteo, Derick, or Andres."

I want to bury myself under a pile of sand. This is why I can never tell them who I like, teenage girls are brutal when they have that kind of information on you.

"Um . . ." I trail off. I regret agreeing to this cursed game. "Kill Matteo," I say. "Kiss Andres and marry Derick." I finished.

"Aw, why not marry Andres?" Emma whines.

"Because I have a crush on him, doesn't mean I want to be committed to him for life." I mutter. Thankfully, the bell rings before they can say anything else. "Freedom!" I shout and stand up. I get weird looks from people and some laughs, but I don't give a fuck on what they think about me.

Andy joins me by my side as we walk out the left side of the cafeteria. "So, when do you think he'll be back?" I ask just to annoy her.

"Who?" She asks me as we stop at my locker for me to get my backpack. I'm too lazy to walk back all the way from Witchcraft and then down to the gym. I also can't just not get it because it has my inhaler.

"Jason, who else?" I ask her.

She rolls her eyes and goes to punch me but I dodge the first hit. Key word being the first. "Ow." I mutter while rubbing my arm.

"I don't know when he'll be back nor do I care." She argues.

"Whatever," I say while still rubbing my arm. "Just know my ship is still floating."

"Ya, well it's going to sink some day and when it does, I'll be here to laugh at your face." She mutter as we walk up the stairs. We push through the crowds of people who decided the middle of the hallway would be a good place to start up drama.

"Watch it!" One girl shouts as I accidentally elbow her. I look back and don't say anything. If my memory is correct, she's the girl who elbowed me last week in the shoulder. Stupid shoulder still fucking hurts. "Bitch." She mutters behind me.

My middle finger urges to be thrown over my shoulder but I ignore the temptation. I refuse to get or start a petty fight at school my last year.

-----

Many people use the term binge eating as a way to describe their netflix-filled weekend. The way I use it is to describe my daily meals. I know it's not healthy and that's not how it's supposed to be but I can't change that no matter how hard I try. I always feel the need to finish whatever is in front of me.

My poking at my food doesn't make much of a difference, it just temps me. During lunch it became so hard for me not to just give in to my urges and inhale the whole thing, but I know it will become worth it all in due time. I just have to wait for that time to come.

I know for a fact that the time isn't anytime soon though. Panting, I put my fingers up to my pulse and feel my heart racing. Something I learned while playing soccer was that I couldn't skip many meals because it made me feel very tired throughout the games. Just ask my teammates about that game against Fairview High. It was not pretty.

"Group two, jog twice to the other end and back!" Ms. Jackson announces. Half the group starts to go but a frown from Ms. Jackson has them going back. "What, do you think you'll get a head start?" She pauses for a bit, letting the suspense kill us. "Go!"

It doesn't take me long to make it to the other end of the gym. I can feel my lungs constricting, one of the horrible things about asthma. The doctor told me I had exercise-induced asthma after I reporting a burning sensation in my throat during the soccer season.

Already I'm on my way back to the other side, just finishing my second time. I'm a very competitive person so I speed up and make it around third place for my group.

Ms. Jackson yells at the other group for trying to get a head start again. I swear she's pregnant, she's more moodier than I remember and she looks likes she's gained weight a bit. No offense if she's not pregnant though . . . .

-----

"How was school?" My mom asks Victoria and I as she picks us up at the end of the day. We shrug our shoulders not knowing what to say.

"Eighth grade is no different than seventh grade." I start out first.

"Seventh grade is soo hard!" Victoria groans from the backseat. "Especially Honors, the teachers are all so extra and hate me! They all love Amelia but hate me!"

I roll my eyes at her. "You just say that as an excuse on your horrible grades. Maybe if you actually tried in the classes you would pass them."

She glares at me as our mother sighs. "So, I saw there's a concert in a week."

"No, there isn't." Victoria argues.

"For you no, but for me there is one." I retort back. "It's a fundraiser thingy and I leave school after lunch for an extended rehearsal. It doesn't finish until eight thirty though."

Our mother groans at that. "Who was the smart one who decided to do that?"

"The teacher." I mutter. "I don't even want to go! I have better ways to spend my Fridays."

"At least you get to skip half the day." Victoria mutters unenthusiastically.

"I still have to make up all the work though."

"Make sure to not slam the door on your way out!" Our mother calls out as we leave the car and before Victoria can retort something back.

"Oops," Victoria mutters as she slams the door to hard. My mother casts her a glare and Victoria quickly pivots on the spot and books it for the front door. I laugh after her and walk up the slope. Feeling myself falling back down I start over. Using all my energy, I speed up the first few steps up the slope and don't stop running until I reach the top. I can see Victoria struggling to make it up through the snow. I laugh before holding my hand out to her.

"Thanks." She mutters and together we walk towards the front door.

"Give me your keys." I tell her, my own keys being stored in my backpack. She hands them over without a word and with two twists of the lock, the door opens.

We both slowly trickle in, making sure not to get any snow in.

"WE'RE HOME!" I scream when I successfully enter the house without dragging in any snow.

"You know there isn't anyone here, right?" Victoria casts me a glance. "They're at Mama Adelita's house."

"I know!" I cheerfully exclaim. Mama Adelita lives diagonally across the street, on the other block, from us. It makes it very easy for Miguel and Denise to go over whenever no one is home to greet them, like today.

We both go our separate ways, Victoria to our shared room and I to the kitchen. I'm starving. I guess this is what I get for skipping lunch.

The door opens again and over mother comes in. "None of you were good enough to go and get your siblings?" She asks as she puts the mail on the table.

None of us answer and she rolls her eyes before turning around and walking back outside.

"Ooh, we're in for it now." Victoria mutters.

"You're telling me," I say before making myself a sandwich.

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