It's almost Christmas!! 2023 passed by so fast. I hope everyone reading is having a good winter! Jim will be called Jimmy or Jim, and Jim Sr. will be called James, though he is mentioned as Jimmy. It's NoT cOnFuSiNg.

Soo this talks about abuse. Just wanted to warn youu

                                                       13 years ago

   Maybe once he'd started, it was too hard to stop. Maybe he'd someday be sorry for what he'd done. Maybe what he'd done was even bigger, and more terrible, than she even thought it was.

   Now, in his warm embrace under the sheets, Barbara felt trapped.

   Trapped, trapped, trapped.

   It hadn't always been this way. She was generally a very loving, trusting person with a deep respect for her husband, but Barbara had slowly come to realize that some nights what he did to her hurt her a lot.

   It scared her.

   She used to trust him with all her heart, and cling to his arm, not at all scared of what his hands could do .

   In his deep sleep, James cuddled the pillow instead of her. She didn't mind, feeling his arm as it slid off her back.

   It was dark, very dark. Some light from the streetlights outside glowed through the blinds of the large window, allowing her to pick out the whitened outlines of her bed, the bedside table, the dresser, and the closet doors that were left partially opened.

   She slipped off of the bed before he could get close to her again.

   The hallway was darker than in their room, since it had no windows. Dark like the weighty, piercing hurt she felt in her heart when James did something to her that she wasn't comfortable with.

   She'd given everything to him. Everything.

   Barefoot in her PJ's, Barbara silently opened Jim Jr.'s bedroom door to check if he was sleeping.

   A black shape, like a mountain blocking the sun, was slumped up in a sitting position on the bed, one leg over the covers and one leg underneath.

   "Mom?" His voice softly asked her.

   "Why are you awake, Kiddo?"

   "'Couldn't sleep. Are you okay, Mommy?"

   Even though it was dark, she saw clearly his earnest young blue eyes, and suddenly she was sitting on his bed with her arms around her small son. 

   "Yeah, I'm okay. How are you?"

   "Good."

   She kissed the top of his forehead and hugged him, then tucked Jim in under the covers. "I love you, Jim," she whispered as his eyes slowly closed.

   He yawned tiredly, and said, "Can you sing my special song?"

   "Mmhm... Blackbird singin' in the dead of night//take these broken wings and learn to fly  all your life//you are only waiting for this moment to arise..."

   James woke up to see fresh rays of morning sun, low in the sky , streaming through the blinds and the spot beside him on the bed empty.

   He pulled on new clothes, brushed his teeth, and placed his glasses, not bothering to do his hair.

   He found Barbara sprawled across the living room couch in her pajamas with a blanket on her that had half fallen to the floor. Slowly, he pulled the blanket back up over her shoulders and watched her breathe, with her red hair majetically spread out like a halo around her head.

   It was Saturday today, he realized, and rose up and poured a bowl of cereal for himself.

   "Dad?" Jimmy asked, rubbing his eyes. He joined his father in the kitchen and, with some effort, got himself up onto one of the stools by the counter.

   Proud of himself, he grinned at Dad, who smiled. 

   "Are those Frosted Flakes?" Jimmy frowned at his dad's bowl.

   "Yeah, you want some?"

   Jimmy hesitated and glanced away. "Can I make a different type of cereal?"

   James wasn't good at cooking. Neither was Barbara, but apparently Jimmy liked the idea of making food. James didn't didn't know the first thing about cooking.

   "Sure," James decided, sitting down to eat. "Just don't make a mess and be careful."

   "Okay!"

   Not being able to use the stove, Jimmy opted for shredded wheats, but with chopped banana, chopped peppermint, brown sugar, and chocolate milk to soften the crunchy cereal so that it didn't irritate his gums.

   Barbara woke up, stood, and stretched. "Good morning, Darling!" James said, pulling her close.

   "Good morning," She mumbled. He kissed her neck, but she leaned away from the touch.

   Realizing something, a look of shock bloomed on her face. "Oh my gosh!" She cried. "Did you let Jim use that knife?"

   "U-uhm, no?" James said, as their son innocently and obliviously chewed and swallowed, looking up at them.

   "Really?" She raised an eyebrow. Barbara went up to Jimmy and asked him, "Hun, who used this knife?" 

   She pointed at the sharp, small knife that lay in the sink next the the cutting board.

   The almost 5-year-old smiled sheepishly at her. "I did."

   Barbara glared hard at her idiotic husband, who suddenly looked incredibly intrested in his feet. She rushed closer to Jim, and inspected his body for cuts or scrapes. He was okay, though.

   Spinning back to face James, she pointed at him, then the ceiling. "You. Me. Upstairs. Now. Jimmy, you can watch TV now."

   Anger burned her senses. Her son grinned. "Thanks, Mom!" 

   As he finished eating, both adults kept quiet and waited.

   He finally got up and set his bowl and spoon in the sink, then went the the couch, grabbed the remote, and curled up in the blanket Barbara had been using. 

   "Don't watch anything inaproriate, Kiddo." She told him, before walking upstairs.  

   James went into their room first. She thought she saw some fear in his green eyes. Fear in his eyes. After everything he'd done, he should be scared. 

   Closing the door behind her and leaning her back on it, she didn't stop glaring at him. 

   "Barbie-"

   "Don't call me that! You let our four year old child use that knife by himself. Do you even realize what he could have done to himself accidentally? How can you be so irresponsible!"

   He sighed. "I'm sorry... And I was in the room-"

   "You let him use that knife, James! And no you're not sorry, not at all."

   "I... I am," He whispered. "But if you really don't believe me, then I'm leaving."

   "Just like that, huh? If you really are this irresponsible, then I'm glad you're leaving. I don't want someone like you to raise my child."

   "He's your child now? Wow." James stormed around the room, tossing clothes into his suitcase and zipping it up. He brought it downstairs, and stopped when he saw Jimmy, who stared at him from the couch.

   Still upstairs, Barbara picked up a framed picture from their wedding day of James dipping and kissing Barbara . Her slow finger traced their shape on the glass as a tear slid down Barbara's face. 

   Walking to the window, she opened it, and threw as hard as she could, listening for the faint crash as the picture hit pavement.

   It sounded beautiful and satisfying. 

   She was scared about the future, and just wanted what was best for her son. How would that play out?  A silent sob made her throat throb, and she let herself curl up into a ball on the carpeted bedroom floor, leaning on the side of the bed as tears kept falling.

   Gathering courage, she slowly washed her face and descended the stairs to see James with his son on the couch.

   James stood and set his shoulders back. "Can I stay until his birthday? It's only a few days."

   "Fine, but you are sleeping down here."

   He looked like he might protest, but he closed his mouth and nodded.

                                    Two months later

   Rounding the corner, James sighed. 

   The Vermont streets were busier than normal, thanks to the oncoming holidays. Stressed-looking shoppers hurried down the roadsides and weaved around each other, anxious to get into their cars and go home.

   Lake breathed in the cold night air, relishing the peace of the moment.

   He would change his situation, that was all he knew. 

   "Jimmy?"

   The voice startled him, making him gasp and his causing his hands to tremble. He spun on his heels and shoved his shaky hands into his pockets.

   James' older brother stood there with a solemn look on his stubbled face. Jack's hair was ruffling in the wind and his gaze of steel bore into James. It felt like a cold stab to the heart, to see his brother in the flesh again.

   Jack narrowed his eyes. "Hello, brother."

   James frowned, clenching his jaw tightly. He glowered at Jack.

   "Why'd you do it? I heard about what happened, Jimmy. She didn't deserve that. Neither did that son of hers." Jack glared right back as he spoke.

   "Really?" James scowled. Slowly, his expression softened a little bit. His brother had always seen the goodness in people, smothering and blurring his perceptiveness of the evil heart in the world. 

   Was that what he was now? 

   The brokenness was twisting the good and the bad in a tight tangled mess of mistakes that he couldn't unravel for the life of him. How could he ever sort that out?

   He wanted to forget about everything. In fact, the bar was just where he was headed.

   "I don't want to talk about it," James said, pushing past his brother and walking away.

   Jack watched him go, and didn't chase after him. He was done picking up after James' mistakes.