Most of the time when I dream, I can feel that it's not real and continue to reside in it until I wake up. It's only when I'm mentally drained that I become too tired to figure out if it's real or not and this was one of those dreams.

I was in some kind of high-end club and to my surprise it was filled with everyone I knew from Green. I made my way through the crowd uninterested at starting a conversation with anyone but I was puzzled to find them all in unnaturally good spirits, which made me wonder whether they were all high or drunk on something.

My question was answered when I found tall yellow flutes that held some kind of dark liquid and everyone held one in their hands.

'Drink', said one of my classmates, and I blinked as I realized that a flute had appeared in my hand as well.

Ah well it's a dream, I reminded myself and took a swing to see what kind of nonsense would happen next.

Loud laughter interrupted my thoughts and I turned to find a table where everyone was laughing over someone's witty comment and there in the center sat Karthick. He looked different. This wasn't the Karthick I remembered, it was like he had grown up. He was much more built and his hair was starting to thin out which explained the buzz undercut he sported (which surprisingly looked good on him) and he wore a white button-down shirt which seemed to be glowing.

Karthick looked radiant and so lifelike, that for a second I wanted to believe that this wasn't a dream and I felt my heart plummet down creating a breath sucking hole in my chest.

'That's- that's Karthick', I stammered to the classmate who had told me to drink and she looked at me puzzled.

'What? Where?'

'There! He's sitting right there! He's laughing with everyone and- THAT'S KARTHICK!', I exclaimed unable to go on and at that moment he looked at me with a smile but it quickly turned to confusion.

Everyone in the room suddenly went quiet at my statement and looked at me as if they were pitying me.

'You see him?', she asked with a small frown and I nodded unable to take my eyes off of him.

'The drink that you had, its called the Imagination Core', she said gently.

'What does that have to do with him?'

'It makes you see the things you imagine the most, your deepest dreams, thoughts that you wish were true', and I suddenly understood why they all looked at me with sadness.

'I'm the only one who can see him?', I asked stunned at how everyone else was seeing their success and dreams, while I could only see him and she nodded.

I had had enough of this dream so I found the closest door and it opened into a posh banquet hall where some kind of award show was happening. The second I entered I was ushered in by some helpers who sat me at a table where everyone was a stranger to me.

'I'm a huge fan of your work!', exclaimed a helper and it took me a minute to realize that they were talking to me.

I had never been good at taking compliments so all I could do was awkwardly smile wondering what I had done to get fans but from the corner of my eye, I saw someone stand up as if to leave and there he was again, only this time dressed from head to toe in black. Karthick looked incredibly classy in that outfit and his expression was the familiar mischievous one which meant that he was up to no good.

I shot up from my seat, determined to ask him why he was here but he ignored me and walked out a door. I wasn't ready to lose him just yet so I followed him out as well.

This door opened into a room which was lit up with red lights making it first seem impossible to understand what was going on. When my eyes finally adjusted to the dim room, I could make out a table and there sat everyone who had once hurt me, having the time of their lives. I did not want to be a part of it, so I turned to leave but Karthick 's tall frame standing in the corner of the room stopped me.

He had exchanged the black suit for a red one and his face read pure anger while his eyes seemed to be replaced with flames. I had never seen him so furious that it scared me but he just stood there as if he were watching everything and then his eyes met mine.

That was all I could remember and it was bothering me so much that I wasn't even paying attention to Neena until she threw a Cheerio at my head.

'What?', I asked pulled back into reality.

'I said that I still couldn't believe he didn't come and talk to you', she growled and I sighed, 'Let it go, it's not like I expected him to', and went back to drinking my coffee. She had been hopping mad since last night and even went to the lengths of saying, 'I don't care how hot he looks if it means his heart is cold as ice!'

'Stop lying to yourself, Omi', she said strictly.

'Then what do you want me to do?! Cry and make a fuss?! Do you want me to sit here and make you feel miserable about it?!', I finally snapped, tired from the dream and last night's drama. When I looked up I found her stunned by my sudden reaction.

'I wish you'd do something. You're just taking it like some punching bag', she frowned.

'It's clearly not worth my time! I'm just wasting energy on someone who doesn't care', I said and felt my throat ache.

'Girl, you've been crying your eyes out every night, don't lie to me', and I finally let a single tear escape.

'I just don't understand. He was right there and he saw us but as soon as all those girls surrounded him, he was gone', I sniffed, putting my mug down so I could wipe my sleeve over my eyes.

'Dick move', she scoffed and I couldn't help but remember that Sumithra had called him the same thing. Maybe Ethan was a rude person and he was just hiding it from me, or was this whole scenario blowing out of proportion?

'I honestly don't want to think about men today. I have one on my mind already and it's not doing me any good', I sulked and felt the hole in my stomach grow bigger.

'It's Karthick's birthday', she remembered and nodded her head while I buried my face in my hands.

'You're right. You don't have to think about Ethan today or anything else. Take the day off and do what you want', she said gently patting my head and I looked up at her,

'But your swimming event'.

'What's there to see? I'm going to win anyway', she shrugged causing me to laugh at her confidence.

'I'll be there if I can', I said and hugged her.

'Okay. Order whatever you want and do what you want - SALEM! GET DOWN FROM THERE!', and she ran to move the cat away from the open window.

Salem took care of himself which was why we never knew where he was half of the time and he'd appear in random places which were always hazardous to either him or us. He somehow had developed a soft corner towards me which I noticed when I spent the past week crying in my bedroom out of Neena's worried eyes.

He would first nudge me with his paw and when I wouldn't respond, he'd jump out the window to the fire escape and return a few minutes later with a (thankfully) dead cockroach. Apparently this was his way of comforting me because I had once noticed him gleefully playing with the dead creatures.

I'd be lying if I said I'd hadn't put my tears on hold just to avoid throwing the roaches out and Salem took it as a victory.

Once Neena had left for her competition, I retreated to my room and fell back on my bed.

I hated it whenever his birthday or death anniversary came up because it was impossible to ignore the feelings and I knew that it was a terrible move if I decided to ignore them. He would have turned 26  today and I sighed as I wondered what kind of purple gift I would have bought him.

Purple was our favorite color and it had become an excuse for almost everything we did.

'Why did you take my pen?' 'Because it was purple' 'Okay"

'Why did you grab my hand like that?' 'Because you have purple nails today'

'Can I bedazzle your mouse?' 'No' 'What if they're purple stars?' 'Okay'

It was much more than a color, it had become a symbol of happiness and hope to me and when he left, it felt like he had taken all the purple away with him.

As if on cue, the waterworks began and I allowed them to drown me because I knew that it was better to get over it than suppress it but at the moment, all I really wanted was someone to talk to. I wanted someone who knew how much he meant to me, to just sit there and listen and give me the same advice that I give whenever anyone I knew was grieving.

Another reason why I couldn't just call up my friends was that they were all grieving. I couldn't just call them up and cry over a silly dream or about how it hurt more because of Ethan because the most possible outcome would be them starting to cry along with me and then I'd be the one doing the consoling.

After a good five minutes of nonstop crying, I wiped my face and sat up to look at my reflection. It was a habit that I had developed, cry, and stare at the mirror to see how miserable I looked. Once the imaginary words 'pathetic' appeared on the mirror I'd sigh and go back to another round but this time I was just tired.

I knew I shouldn't be crying on his birthday, I should be happy and celebrating the life he had here. I should be thankful that he was alive once and that I got to be his friend; not be a useless mess. Yes, I could grieve but celebrating him was what was important and no dream or idiot like Ethan was going to stop me.

Feeling better after my pep talk to the mirror I put my music on shuffle and the song that played was a BTS song I had never heard called, Magic Shop. Now like I did with any foreign language song, I'd let it play out first and if the music moved me, I'd search for its translated lyrics.

The music was calming and just as I was about to fall asleep to it, one line which they sang in English called out to me,

'You gave me the best of me, so you'll give you the best of you'

I shot up and replayed it just to make sure I had heard it right. After hearing it, I paused the song and stared into space thinking about that simple yet complex line. They didn't say that they'd help me but instead said that I should help myself because I was capable of giving them the best of themselves.

It was the explanation of a phrase I had heard so many times in the past which was, 'Love yourself' and it was today that I finally understood what it meant. I didn't know until now how much I craved someone to tell me that I should start giving myself the love I gave unconditionally to everyone else. Till now it had been, 'I'll be there for you' or 'I'll help'. It's not that I was ungrateful for the love my friends gave me but the disappointment that they couldn't help me the way I wanted them to and I could never blame or get angry at them about it either.

This one line gave me the courage to pour some love on my wounded thoughts and heart because right now, they needed it more than anyone else. As soon as I had finished reading the translation, I felt a bit warmer as I understood the message of saving oneself and taking the credit for it. That it was okay to be a fighter as long as you gave yourself enough love to make things easier but that it was equally important to know you had people to turn to when things got tough.

Maybe that's why I dreamt of Karthick. He came in the form of happiness, success, and anger which were feelings I had been dealing with the past days and they all circled around him. I was unconsciously making everything about him and it had to stop. I had to redirect all of that to me and for a minute my anger towards Ethan had turned a notch down as well, maybe I had been too harsh on him when I compared him with Karthick but it wasn't an excuse for his lies or ignoring me.

I was impressed at how my thoughts went back and forth in a way that it didn't make me a punching bag and instead helped me see things clearly. Who knew a song could do that? I guess the timing was important as well because I would have never had these thoughts if it was any other day.

Feeling better, I decided to surprise Neena by attending her competition and I quickly made myself ready with 'Magic Shop' playing in the background.