I was, completely, disturbed by what had just happened. I was broken and hurting. I started to feel everything. My stomach was all in knots and my back was tense. I started to feel my stitches. I forgot I had had surgery the other day. I hugged my belly. I tried to keep my surgical area as protected as possible. With all my sobbing, I was bound to tear a stitch. Deborah and Nicole continued their conversation. I wasn't sure of what they were saying. I blocked them out. I had to take a mental time-out from this bullshit. They were laughing and smiling at each other. I cringed at the thought of Deborah coaching my daughter. But I had no proof. And if Haley was smart, she wouldn't admit it for a while. Smart, because I wouldn't want her to face Deborah's backlash. She could be the most cruel and unkind woman.

"What's the matter with your stomach?" Deborah asked me.

I was a bit stunned. But I forbade myself to be catatonic. I had to wait until I got home to flake out and shut down like that. "Oh, I had surgery the other day." I answered, nonchalant.

"I didn't know about that." Deborah expressed shock.

I knew she didn't know. Because I didn't tell her. I didn't want to deal with her harping at me about how I was made to have babies, and I carry so well and I have such beautiful babies. It would've moved into her wanting me to have more babies for her to keep and raise.

Nicole looked at my stomach and stared. I looked over at her and said, "that was why I was in bed. The doctors said I had to rest and stay in bed for the first week. Brad was trying to take care of me."

"Ya, Haley mentioned you were in bed." Nicole said still staring at my stomach.

"Well, are you ok?" Deborah asked.

"Ya, I'm fine. I can feel the stitches, is all."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Deborah tried to sound upset.

"Would it have changed any of this?" I gestured to both Deborah and Nicole. Neither answered. Both looked at the table. "Exactly. What's the point? My surgery has nothing to do with what's going on now."

Neither of them said anything. Sheila sat quietly across from me. Now was a good time to leave. I was tired, nauseated, sore, exhausted and was no longer capable of dealing with bullshit. I knew that if I stayed much longer I would start to say things that I really shouldn't. I had no back up. No full knowledge of my rights and nothing to argue. Everytime I questioned Nicole about this 'non-removal removal' crap, she brings up the RCMP and how SHE decided they not press charges. I took that as a threat. It was subliminal, but it was there.

"So, Monday you'll contact me about visits with the kids? And Brad can see them?" I asked.

"Yes. I'll call you. Or, I can text you. I'll let you know on monday, anyway." Nicole answered.

"And what happens with the kids?"

"Nothing!" Deborah snapped. "They're here with me! So they'll be fine."

I didn't bother to look at her. I kept my swollen eyes on Nicole.

"Well, I will need to talk with the other kids. Get their stories."

"And when will that happen? Right away? Or will you take your time?"

"Well," Nicole looked down at the table, again. That told me what I wanted to know.

I scoffed and shook my head.

"I will try to talk to them right away. Let's just get through this as quickly as possible." Nicole finished.

"Like how you were going to talk to the kids about their biological father? You said you'd do that for me over a year ago. This had better not take that long."

Nicole wouldn't look at me. "Yeah, I was meant to talk to them about that. Well, how long the kids are here is entirely up to you."

"Right. So I'm responsible for your future slow actions with this?" I sounded bitter. I knew I did. I didn't care. We were threatened. And I knew my kids were going to be hurt.

"No. I'll do everything I can. Let's get this plan started." Nicole opened her portfolio and pulled out a Safety Plan sheet. She wrote the date at the top right corner and started to write out a plan.

We spoke as she wrote. Making sure that everyone was heard. It took a lot longer than I had hoped. I hoped for a few things and then be done, but, the list went on.

Safety plan for Haley, Kevin, Jonathan, Eve, Heather, Mary and Sandra:
1. Nicole/Sheila will put in a referral for Samantha to see Dr. Alicia. They will see if there's an option for Samantha to see Miranda Hatcher who she seen for a year. Rush the referral.
2. Nicole will meet with Brad to discuss concerns.
3. Nicole/Sheila will look into programs for Brad and see what there is for couples.
4. Children are all going to stay at grandma Deborah's until otherwise agreed by MCFD. MCFD will further discuss the extended family program and in the future re-integrating the children home. Home must be free from abuse (name-calling, swearing, any physical harm.) The EFP will support the children and family financially.

Nicole stopped writing at this point. She looked up at Deborah and said, "okay, so what we will put you on is an extended family plan. So you don't have to worry about anything." Nicole looked at me and said, "so, Samantha, you will not have to pay for anything. You DO NOT have to give Deborah money."

I looked at Deborah. She stood up and stared at the table hard. She took an aggressive, stiff drag off her cigarette, flicked her ashes in the ashtray and looked through the window. Suppose I should be happy that Nicole, at least, heard that much of what I said.

"So I don't give Deborah money at all?" I confirmed.

"No," Nicole looked at deborah, "Samantha DOES NOT have to give you money, Deborah. Okay? MCFD will take care of everything. One of the plus sides of being supervisor. I can sign off on any cheque I want." Nicole took a deep, satisfied breath. She had a stiff grin plastered to her face as she gently shook her head. She was enjoying being the supervisor. She loved to have power. And here she was, waving her septor around. "So you don't need to ask Samantha for anything. Okay?"

Deborah took another sharp drag from her cigarette. She wouldn't look at Nicole or anyone else. She was mad. I could feel a smile in my throat. She wasn't allowed to get anything from me. I liked it. Deborah nodded slowly and coolly.

Nicole leaned over the papers and started to write again:

5. Nicole will have Jason Schweppes (SW) fill out paperwork for EFP.
6. MCFD will put in a referral for the summer program for Eve, Jonathan and Kevin.
7. Deborah will follow the schedule Samantha provided for all the children's activities and appointments.
8. Deborah will follow list to avoid of things the children are allergic/sensitive to that Samantha provided.
9. Nicole will talk to children about Brad/mom.
10. Visits will be determined next week.

We all signed. I felt I had no choice. I wanted my children back. Nicole tore the papers apart at the perforation at top and made sure to give me a copy.

"So I don't have to give Deborah anything at all?" I asked. I was hoping to rub it in her face.

"That is correct, Samantha. Nothing at all. Well, you'd have to bring the kids their clothes and shoes. Any medication they're on. Things like that. Otherwise, we will pay for everything. Food, extra clothes that may be needed."

"Oh, good." I said. I leaned back in my chair and cradled my belly. "Cuz the kids are growing out of their clothes. The clothes I brought, they fit, but tightly. And what about Heather's school? Does she still get to go considering I'm working there?"

"Oh, of course." Nicole smiled. "She should go."

"I won't have to quit to ensure Heather makes it? Cuz she's been going everyday there's school. She loves it." I explained.

Nicole kept her smile. "That's great, Samantha. She should go. And no, you don't have to quit. Keep your job, Samantha."

"Ok. I wrote down the time the driver will come pick her up and I will let them know to come here. I also made sure to write out all the kids' appointments and where they are. I managed to get in there Sandra's typical routine as well. She, also cries, hard, when she doesn't have her daddy. Daddy is the one who puts her to sleep at night. She doesn't seem to sleep well if he's not around. And we're still having issues with Jonathan's stomach. So the pediatrician had asked that we put him on a high omega-3 diet. Said it may help his stomach and his behaviors. So we've been giving him boiled eggs everyday. " I explained.

"Still having problems with his stomach? I thought you figured all that out. Do you have the eggs?"

"No. I figured you'd have some."

"Well I don't. So you better bring me some." Deborah demanded.

I looked over at Nicole. "Aren't you supposed to...." I broke off.

"Well you can bring the eggs to start. It's going to take me some time to get the cheque ready." Nicole said.

I nodded.

Deborah waved me off. "Don't worry about Miss Sandra. We'll keep her busy."

I looked at Deborah worried. I felt that she would ignore everything. I was hopeful. I had to be.

I started walking through the the house, looking for all my children. I hugged them all. I cried when I hugged Sandra. I'm sure that if I had only four children, I would've made it through all of them without crying. But, I have seven. And it became harder and harder with each one. I felt like I was leaving them to survive on their own with a gallon of water, a granola bar and a hat in the middle of the desert. I couldn't shake the feeling that my children were not going to be safe. They were going to suffer emotional, mental, verbal and physical abuse. And I couldn't save them. I walked outside to my van and climbed into the driver's seat. I left the door open and allowed my left leg to hang out. I sobbed, uncontrollably.

"It's not that bad, Samantha."

I looked up and seen Deborah standing there. I didn't realize she followed me out. She gave me a hug and I accepted it.

"Don't cry so hard. You'll make yourself sick. And your stitches." Deborah pulled away. "You'll tear your stitches. Calm down and try to breathe."

I just nodded. I didn't want to say anything then. I was alone and had no witnesses. I wasn't that stupid. I already said too much at the table and I wasn't about to push it.

"Okay. Drive safe." Deborah pushed at my leg. I pulled my leg into the cab and she closed my door. I held my head in my hands and cried a few minutes longer. I started the van and tried to clear my eyes. I still had to get home. I backed out of the drive and drove out of the cul de sac.

When I arrived home, I shut the engine off and lost control of myself. Things were starting to seem like they were floating. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I felt something on my back pull me toward the van door. I was so weak, I let myself slump over and hit the door.

"It's okay, luv. We'll get them back." The door said.

My eyes opened and I seen an arm block my view. I didn't even hear Brad open the door. I didn't even think it was him pulling me over.

"They won't be there long. You know that. Let's just concentrate on what we have to do to get them home and out of that bitch's hands."

I clenched Brad's shirt in my hands and wiped my snot all over him. I was gasping for air in between sobs. I could feel my body giving up its strength. Brad tried to pull me out of the van but I nearly fell out instead. Brad stopped pulling me and just held me tighter.

"Come on, luv. You should come in the house." Brad urged.

I was still in a slump. Brad scooped his arm under my legs and pulled me out of the van. He set my feet down on the ground and I nearly fell. I couldn't focus. It felt like I lost my kids to the system and I was never getting them back. It was bad enough I didn't understand why I couldn't state where I wanted my kids placed. I'm sure if I had it my way I would be handling this better. All sorts of things flooded my mind. My experiences. My worries. My fears. The things that I was certain Deborah would put them through. They were children. They didn't know any better. How were they supposed to defend themselves? I did the best I could to protect them. I know the mistakes I've made. I know what they may have gone through. I had my suspicions of things that I didn't have proof of. My memory was fragmented. But this......This was ridiculous. I was so angry. I wanted to thrash about and destroy anything that stood in my way to my children. As emotionally stunned as I was, I was still going to fight. I was going to gather everything I knew and do this the right way. The sooner I get my kids home,the less damage the kids would have to face.

I stumbled. Brad caught me. He was hugging me close to his chest as he assisted me into the house. I tripped over the first three cement steps. Brad caught me. I fell into the door as Brad moved his hand to turn the knob. He pushed the door open, being careful not to let me drop. My mind was screaming at me, clawing, kicking and punching at my skull trying to break free. I had a few days, yet, before I went back to work. One of the agreements was I would stay in bed rest for the first week if I wanted to get back to working the next Monday. So much for that. I was going to call work the next day to tell them I needed an extension on it. Shit! I had to call everyone. I had to call the daycare, the preschool, the private school my boys attended, the public school Eve attended, the private school Haley attended. I had to call everyone and inform them of the abrupt change. I had to call Jason. Jason was the social worker we typically dealt with. But, conveniently, he was away in training while all this went down. I wanted to get his thoughts on this and why I wasn't allowed to my rights. Nicole was too much like Deborah. And with everything I heard her say at the table, there was no way I was going to get a clear answer out of her. She had an ulterior motive. She wanted my kids from day one. She's always spoken to Deborah about me, whether I was around or not. If I gave her an answer, she would go to Deborah and ask her what she thought about it. Dammit! I've been dependant for far too long. I couldn't take my time untying the knots anymore. I had to cut them and jump onto my own two feet. It was time to prove that I am a capable mother. I can manage my shit. And Deborah was not to have anything to do with us anymore. And she can take my dad with her. So many times, Deborah called me and said, "Brad doesn't realize that dad is there. He can hear everything. He knows." I would think to myself, know what? What I know is that Brad had his faults like I did. But he never hurt my kids. He never abused them. It pissed me off that, I knew, I had to sort through my bullshit and get a hold of myself. I couldn't let them get to me like this. I had to think.....I had to think.....I had to think.....And I wasn't going beyond that. I told myself to think repeatedly and that was all I thought about.

When Brad noticed I was starting to settle. He asked me how I was doing.

"I don't know." I said. I was starting to feel numb. It was better than earlier, though. Now I had some kind of feeling. I got up and I went outside. I wanted a smoke. Brad followed me.

"So what happened?" He asked, carefully.

I didn't answer. I stomped down the steps and swung open the van door. I pulled out the two sheets of paper Nicole gave me. I slammed the door shut and walked over to Brad, who happened to follow me down the stairs.

"Nicole was asking me if I heard anything. I told her that I heard nothing alarming. Nothing that said that you hurt Haley. Which is true. I heard you two argue, I heard Haley go downstairs, I heard her come back up and then you two went at it again." She got really upset. But she was bouncing around in her seat. She seemed to be happy."

"Happy?!" Brad was blown aback by that.

"Yes! She was fucking happy. Saying shit like, 'oh, I'm so happy you got the kids, Deborah.' And 'I knew there was something about Brad.' I mean, who does that?! Who expresses happiness like that?! She was such a bitch there. Having a fucking tea party with her best friend! I wasn't amused!" I vented.

Brad stood quietly. He didn't say anything.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. But I have to ensure they can't attack me any more than they already have. The first thing Deborah will do is try to attack my mental state. She's already had some people at the band office convinced that I'm bipolar and need to be medicated..."

"That's fucked." Brad interrupted.

"Yeah. Course, the way things went, it didn't help any. But the fact is, they're convinced that I am bipolar. So I have to make sure that I'm protected that way."

"So no more crying all over and flopping around then." I'm sure Brad was meaning to be humourous and helpful, but I didn't find it funny in the least.

I turned my head sideways and looked at him like I wanted to slap him. He smiled at me.

"Awww. You know I'm teasing. They'd understand why you were so upset. But, you really think they'd do that?"

"That's exactly how Deborah is. She will, first, create something out of you, like saying that I was bipolar. Then she will use that against you if you ever turn against her. If that doesn't work, she will find your weakest point and hit you with that. In this case, my kids." I lit a cigarette.

"So you're bipolar?" Brad asked.

"No!" I answered, annoyed. I sighed. "I didn't want to get into it, because it's a long story."

"So cut it short then, cuz I want to know if you're crazy." Brad smiled at me quickly.

"Fuck you! Deborah swore up and down I was bipolar because I argued with her. If I didn't agree with what she said or did, I had to be mentally unstable. It didn't bother me until she went to see Catherine at the band office with my ex. They told her about how I was, supposedly, behaving. The three of them agreed that I had a mental issues. That's when MCFD started coming in, real hard, on my ass. They kept knocking on my door for nothing and everything. I went to the doctor here on Feather Stone and I was sent to see a psychiatrist. She asked me a bunch of questions and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder..."

"So you are crazy." Brad interrupted again.

"No, dumbass. I told you it was a long story. You want to hear it or not?"

"Ok. I'll shut up." Brad smiled and lit a cigarette.

"I was given some meds and it didn't sit right with me. Things didn't add up and I was feeling worse. I figured that if it was supposed to help me, it wouldn't make me feel like shit."

"Oh ya. It shouldn't after a while."

"Yeah, well, it was a couple months. So anyway, I stopped taking them. Next thing I knew,the ministry was knocking on my door accusing me of neglecting my kids. Why? Because I was taking meds that made me sleep. I told them what they were and why I had them and that I hadn't been taking them for the last month...."

"Sounds like you were set up."

"Tell me about it. They didn't have anything on me so they left. I went to my doctor in Chilliwack and told him what happened. He asked me a bunch of questions and prescribed me anti-depressants. He also sent a referral for me to see another psychiatrist. I came back and filled my prescription. Another month goes by and MCFD comes knocking again. This time it was because I wasn't taking my meds. I was, now, a danger to the children."

"Holy fuck. They really wanted you."

"Well, I'm thinking now, it was Deborah and my ex. Anyway, I had to explain that even though I wasn't on the meds the psychiatrist gave me, I was given anti-depressants and I had been taking them for a month. They seemed stunned stupid and stopped talking. They did leave and they, again, had nothing on me."

"So they left you alone?"

"Hell, no! Are you kidding? Why would they do that? I'm a native girl with too many kids. They were looking for something. Anything. I argued with Deborah too much, had my own opinions and I was a threat to my ex and his family. But, I did see the other psychiatrist shortly after that. When I seen her, I told her what the last one said and how the meds affected me. I also told her why I was there. She asked me a bunch of questions and got pissed off. She asked who the psychiatrist was that diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. When I told her she was even more upset. She told me they sent me to a CHILD psychiatrist. I was misdiagnosed. At the end of our session, she said that I was, in fact, NOT bipolar. But, she did diagnose me with chronic depression. However, she understood why I was falling in and out of depression. With everything going on in my life with Deborah and my husband, at that time, she said it was no wonder I was depressed and told me to continue one of the anti-depressants. She said the other, I should use only when I couldn't sleep."

"How many did you have?"

"Two. I was given two different meds for depression." I lit another smoke as it seemed I forgot about the last one.

"Well that's good. They left you alone then, right?"

"No. I told you. I'm native, living on reserve with too many kids. So it's obvious that I don't know how to parent."

Brad shook his head. "So what did you do? Did you let the band office know?"

"Yeah. I told Catherine. But, she was reluctant to believe me. She smiled at me like I was cute and said she wanted a letter proving that I was misdiagnosed. Didn't matter anyway. MCFD came knocking again. This time they said I was unfit to parent because I was depressed. I had to take anti-depressants. They said that as long as I had to take them, the kids weren't safe with me. They also said that the kids can stay with me because my husband was there to watch me. And they said that if he came in with any complaints about the kids' safety, or his, they would be back."

"Is that when Deborah threatened you? If you kicked him out you'd lose the house and kids to him?"

"No. That came later."

Brad shook his head again. "That's fucked up shit."

"Yeah. And it's too fucking bad it's my life."

"Well, you proved them wrong all those other times. You can do it again." Brad tried to be supportive. I just wasn't feeling it.

"Did I really, though? I don't think so. I think they couldn't get anything on me, then. And still they got nothing on me, now. So they're going through you. Deborah would've used your criminal record. So it was easy for them to believe it. And I don't know what's wrong with Haley. She's different. She's been different the last few months. But they're going to use that and they'll attack my mental state. So I have to figure out which way they'll come from so I can be ready for it."

"Okay, luv. But, don't you think you're going too extreme with this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're going all over. It's like you're paranoid." Brad was careful to say the last word. But, I knew that he wanted to look out for me and make sure I wasn't going to do anything crazy.

"Well, I have anxiety. So, ya, I'm anxious right now. And sure, paranoia comes with it. But it's not so much me being paranoid as it is me knowing what's coming. I want to be sure I'm ready for it. THIS caught me off guard. I'm not going to be caught off guard again."

"Okay." He nodded. He thought for a moment. "So what will they do next?"

"Deborah would be all over how I'm mentally unstable. So they'd want me to see a counselor to start. That's on those papers. I wouldn't be too surprised if they want me to go through another assessment. Nicole will need proof that I am bipolar. They would look for any reason to keep the kids from coming home."

"And what if you are bipolar?"

"Oh, fuck off you stupid shit! What's the matter with you?!" I yelled.

Brad laughed. His body bobbed with each chuckle.

"I know, damn well, that I am not bipolar. Don't you start trying to put shit in my fucking head! I have far too much shit to deal with already. And you're not helping.'

"Okay, okay." He was still laughing. "I'm sorry. I won't bug you anymore."

"Ya, ya, ya. You fucking liar! You already said that." I shook my head and finished my smoke.

"Yeah, and they'd want me to go to anger management." Brad stared off, thinking.

I nodded. "And we're going to do it. We both will. But they might try to hit you up with all sorts of crap. Anger management, I can see happening, but I have a feeling they'll throw you in other programs."

Brad's turn to nod. "Well, whatever it is they have.....I'm ready."

"Good! Cuz one of us has to be." I watched Brad open the papers up and read them. Then he folded them and put them in his pocket. He stared off across the road.

"Nicole did make sure to let Deborah know that she is not to bother me for any money." I informed him

Brad laughed, again. "Did she, really?"

"Yep. It felt good, knowing that she was clearly informed that she was NOT to bug me for anything."

"That's awesome." Brad laughed.

"Yeah. But I have to bring over our eggs for Jonathan."

"What? Why? If she's not to bother you for anything, why do you have to bring them eggs? That's Jonathan's eggs! They're going to eat it on him and I wouldn't be too surprised if he doesn't get any." Brad complained.

"I know. But Nicole said I should cuz it would take her a little while to get that first cheque ready."

I'm not sure what, exactly, happened in the next moments. But I knew I finally started to think. Deborah would fuck with the kids' heads. She would try to manipulate them to believe that we were bad parents. She would try to convince them that they shouldn't come home. I could imagine all the things she would say. And what would my dad do? Nothing. He would let it all happen. He didn't help me or Brenda when Deborah did or said things to us. He went along with everything. My children were not safe. I didn't know how to help them. Did we have to go along with everything the ministry said? Did we need a lawyer?

The more I thought about the situation, the more my heart broke. As much as my mind was working, it was also numb. I had to find strength.