I arrived at Ruby's house full of disdain. I wasn't in the mood for her temperament. I wasn't in the mood for anything, really. I wanted to be at home in bed while crying myself to sleep. That was the the pity pot talk. I climbed her stairs and pushed myself into her dining room. It was open to her kitchen where she still cooked.

I frowned to myself. She said she wanted to be finished cooking before I got here. Obviously she didn't time it right. I sat on her chair in a slump. I carried paper and a pen, my phone, my cigarettes and lighter and wallet. I don't know why I took my wallet. Maybe my hands felt too empty.

I opened my phone screen and opened the internet window. Typed  'parenting programs chilliwack' in the search bar. I didn't feel guilty I said what I said to Brad. Nor did I feel guilty I hadn't done a search for programs like I said I would. Logic told me there just wasn't any time to run a search. And speaking to Brad the way I did was necessary. I couldn't go on feeling the way I did without telling him. That was a rule I had lived with for years. If I couldn't live with myself peacefully with my feelings, it had to be spoken and dealt with. I felt a bit lighter after speaking to him. I wish it released more tension. Knowing that it hadn't told me that walking away from him was the wrong choice. If it were, I wouldn't feel so heavy.

I learned how to separate my emotions from my decisions when I was fifteen. The things Deborah's father had told me had started to come to light. I may not have understood him but I started to feel his words over time. A trick I'm sure he was well rehearsed in. He must've known I would grow into his words. And so he layed them at my feet for me to pick up when I needed them the most. That is how I carry him in my life.

The difference he and his wife made in my living with myself had insurmountable meaning and strength. It was a source that I turned to when I needed something. Their words and the words of other relatives and elders. I scattered those words at my feet not to walk on them but to have access to them. I found a fight with every bit of advice I picked up. Used to it my advantage. That's what they wanted me to use it for. To help me find my way in this turmoil.

"What have you gotten done?" Ruby asked over her stove fan.

I didn't look at her. I continued to search for programs that may help us look good for the ministry. "In what context are you asking?" I asked smartly.

"At home. What did you get done for cleaning?"

"What I told you earlier. All of dads shit that was piled in the laundry room had been sorted through and moved. All that's left in there are the remaining laundry and that stupid table."

"What table?"

"That stupid table we don't need. The legs are off for transport. It's good and solid but what use do we have for it?" I shrugged. "None." My thumb scrolled through the list of possible resources and classes in Chilliwack. None caught my eye.

"That's it?" Ruby asked emotionless. It sounded like she didn't care. But I knew her too well. She was trying to find that voice that made me think about things. She didn't have that trait.

I viewed Ruby as my older sister. I treasured her as such. She wasn't my elder nor was she someone of high respect. She was a city Indian who thought she knew things about life on reserve. But she knew nothing. When she spoke she spoke through her ass most times. I felt it was so she would appear to be intelligent in our ways on Seabird. But that's all it was. A show.

I never told her how I felt about her behavior since she moved back. That she didn't appear to be knowledgeable. She appeared to be a fish out of water. Flopping around on the rock on the river bank struggling to find water again. But Ruby wasn't a fish. She was a frog that's still in her metamorphosis. She has the tail and the hind legs. The front legs still has to form yet. But that's a part of struggling to fit into a place you've already left behind. You can't conform to something you've escaped from.

My sister was knowledgeable and resourceful. She didn't like to lay bullshit where bullshit already lay. Instead, she preferred to lay a new pile next to it and watch you build a bridge. I admired it and hated it at the same time. She was exhausting and revitalizing at the same time.

Ruby sighed, unimpressed.

I stretched my back in her chair and groaned. "Have you no idea how much shit was in that room?" I defended.

"But Brad was home all day."

"And none of that shit is his to get rid of. He doesn't know my sentimental value."

"Mm." Ruby had grunted as she tasted her meal. "Do you?"

"If you're asking if I know how to get rid of shit, I do. As long as said shit is mine and no one else's. We've already sent out about fifteen bags of clothes to the garbage bin outside."

"Good." She said simply. She shut everything off on the stove and walked into her livingroom. "Dinners ready hunna." She said sweetly. She spun and came to the table.

"I'm just looking now for any classes in Chilliwack. There's isn't any that I can find. I will have to go to community services and ask in person I think." I put my phone on the table. "All that's coming up in my search are programs that already started, finished or happened last year." I sighed.

"That's okay. It will give you a reference when you ask them." Ruby sat down across from me. "I was thinking about your visits. What time would work for you?"

"I don't know." I sighed. "12:00:00 am to 11:59:59 pm daily?"

Ruby blinked at me and giggled at my attempt. I really wasn't trying to be funny.

"That won't won't work." She giggled again. "How about 3:00 pm to 5:00 pm?"

"How about 3:00 pm to 9:00 pm?" I struggled to find a way to have my children for as long as possible.

Ruby sighed at me. "You have to be realistic Sam. They won't take you seriously if you're scrounging for things you can't have. You appear as someone who won't take this seriously."

I nodded in defeat.

"Now does three to five work?"

I shook my head. "Deborah usually has dinner about six. How about three to six. That way they can have their visit with us and we can get them back in time to wash up and eat. Then they can have their showers and go to bed."

Ruby bounced in her seat. "Oh, that's good. That will work." She leaned forward and wrote it down on the paper I brought. "Where will you take them?"

I shrugged. "I still say the park is fine. We can take them to different parks."

Ruby shook her head at me disappointed. "I told you Sam. You have to do other things with them. What about weekends?"

"What about weekends?"

"What times do you want them on weekends?"

"I have a choice?" I asked surprised.

Ruby sighed at me and looked at me as if she were calling me stupid.

"I mean, I can have them for longer?"

"Well they said 'placement without removal' did they not?"

"Ya they said that."

"Then they're still your kids Sam. They can't keep them from you without good reason. And by the sounds of things this is speculation."

I slumped back in my seat. "How about noon to six on Saturdays and Sundays?"

"Okay." Ruby wrote it down on the paper. "And this way we can have them here for barbeques too. They'd like that. Adam would like it too."

I nodded excitedly. Another free thing we can do. Free, meaning I didnt have to pay for the food. Ruby would.

"Mother said to let her know if we need any money for the kids. So we can take them to the pool too." She suggested.

"Mm-hm." I nodded. "I don't know how much that would cost but it is an option."

"Do they have bathing suits?"

I shook my head. "They've outgrown their suits. I hadn't been able to replace them yet."

"Okay." Ruby wrote a side note of bathing suits and swimming. "What about bowling?"

"Kids don't like bowling." I said.

"Oh. Okay then. What do they like?"

"Playing in the park. Where it's free."

"You're not changing my mind. You said you wanted help to get them home. I'm doing that. But you have to do it." Ruby sounded annoyed.

"I can't afford all this Rube! I'm on S/A. Brad hasn't been able to find a job and his EI ran out last year. All I have is child tax to pay for the kids' needs, groceries and what bills S/A doesn't cover, which happens to be a lot." I felt like a child throwing a tantrum. But I also felt she wasn't hearing me.

"But you have me and mother to help you." Ruby assured me.

I didn't respond. I pouted. I already understood they would put everything into it with me. But it was nice to actually hear her say it.

"Now think! What do the kids like to do? What about the library? That's free. Once a week you can take them to the library."

I scrunched my face. "You MUST imagine MY kids in the library. They'd run amok and disturb the readers." I complained.

"You HAVE TO put something down Sam!" Ruby scolded.

I nodded reluctantly. "Fine. Put the library down."

"Okay good." Ruby's tone changed. "What days?"

"Once a week?"

Ruby nodded.

"Tuesdays." I said.

Ruby made another note. "What days for swimming?"

"I have no idea. I don't go to the pool. I don't even like the idea of swimming in front of a bunch of strangers. WHITE strangers to boot."

Ruby rolled her eyes. "You're really going to have to get out of that, you know."

"My comfort zone?" I asked.

Ruby nodded without looking at me. I've seen her expression before. That expression meant she was losing her patience and fighting to contain it. She meant business and no one was to interrupt it. She breathed deeply as her eyebrows arched to reach for her hair line. She tightened her jaw and stared at the table.

I sighed. I wasn't in the mood to fight with her over trivial things. "Fine. Put the pool in there. I don't know their public swimming schedule or how much it is."

"Okay." Ruby made a note. "They usually have special deal days. I'll look into that tomorrow."

I sighed.

"Saturday's we can have a barbeque here. I know that Adam would love to start up the Barbie and barbeque something for the kids."

"Would he? That's a lot of food."

Ruby nodded. "Adam isn't impressed you lost the kids."

"I didn't lose them, Ruby. They were taken from me. If I lost them it would be because of my doing. This is Deborah's."

Ruby nodded. "He's mad because they took them."

Adam must've heard us talking, he walked in with an unhappy face. "Hey Sam." He said stoicly. I knew it wouldn't last long. Adam was the type to speak his mind and voice his opinion with a type of innocence.

"We're just going over a plan for the kids hunna. Would you mind barbecuing for them on Saturdays?" Ruby asked.

"Nope." Adam grabbed a plate and began to serve himself. "Just make sure I have what I need. I'll cook it up for them. And make sure we have that barbeque sauce that I like." Adam remained stoic.

Ruby smiled. "Okay hunna."

I felt relief. I should've known better than to be apprehensive. Dad and Deborah kept me from my family because they were what the word meant. Family.

"Okay, so I'll look into the swimming schedule tomorrow and let you know. Library on Tuesdays. Barbeque on Saturdays here. That's three days down. We have four more to fill."

"Well put the park in there somewhere." I grumbled.

"Oh, right. The park. What days?"

"Let's go with Mondays and Wednesdays. We'll have to think of something for Thursday's and Friday's."

"Okay. And remember we may have to move the schedule around. So don't get this in your head just yet." Ruby reminded.

She knew me too well. As we were going through the schedule I was trying to stick it into my memory for less work later.

"Oh yeah. Thanks for the reminder. I was already trying to work it out in my head." I admitted.

Ruby nodded. "Did you tell mother about the meeting tomorrow?"

"Yup. She said to remind her tomorrow."

"Okay." Ruby sighed. She stared at her notes. "I'm going to do this up on the computer so it looks fresh. There may be things going on that you can bring the kids to. I'll do some work. But I won't put it in unless you agree to it and Jason okays it."

I nodded. I was starting to get sleepy. I wanted to wake up and find my children home and in their beds. I was done with this game.

"Do you need anything for your house?"

"Like what?"

"Storage bins? Bookshelves? Things like that?"

"Oh. Yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to be working on Haley's room. I have to get shit out of there and move her back in it. So I'll need something for that. And Jonathan needs a bed when I move him back into his room."

"Why doesn't he have a bed?"

"Fuckin' Miles broke it." I shook my head. "You remember I asked the band for bunk beds?"

Ruby nodded.

"Well I had a bunk in Jonathan's room and in Kevin's room. But when Mark and Miles lived with me they had a bunk."

Ruby scrunched her face and shook her head. "Okay. Start over."

I realized I wasn't telling her narrativly. I tried again. "Mark and Miles lived with me."

Ruby nodded with her eyes still closed.

"Mark and Miles lived in the same room and Kevin and Jonathan lived together in the other room."

Ruby nodded again.

"Mark and Miles broke out into fight after fight after fight. So I separated them. Mark shared a room with Kevin because they were both the older brother and Miles shared a room with Jonathan because they were both the younger brother."

Ruby shook her head.

"Mark and Kevin got along better and Miles and Jonathan got along better."

Ruby nodded.

"After Mark moved out Kevin got lonely and Jonathan slept in his room. Miles stayed in Jonathan's room. Kyle came to stay and he shared the room with Miles. Then they broke the bunk. They thought it'd be a good idea to horse around on it. The boards that held the mattress up broke and the frame itself weakened. They fell through the bed. Had to throw it out. That left the bottom bunk. Miles thought it a good idea to take the top bunk from Kevin's bed to put in his room for Kyle to sleep. But he did it on his own and the top bunk fell off. Splitting the frame. The ladder wasn't taken off and so the frame shattered on one side. No amount of wood glue would've saved it. Had to throw that one out too."

Ruby's face dropped. She looked at me disgusted.

I nodded. "I know. I was pissed. All Miles did was laugh it off to hide his embarrassment." I shook my head.

"But that leaves two beds still, right? Kevin and Jonathan have a bed?"

I shook my head. Kevin and Jonathan decided to horse around on the bed and it fell completely apart. Brad put it back together multiple times. Even added wood glue to it. But we figure because the bigger boys were horsing around on it it stripped the wood. So when my boys started horsin' it gave way."

Ruby shook her head. "Stupid!!"

"I know. So now were left with the bottom bunk of one and the other was broken completely. To think they're teenagers and should've known better too."

Ruby nodded.

"So I would need to get a bed."

"Ask the band again."

"I can't. I already got these beds two years ago. They wouldn't approve it because of that. They were brand new when I moved in. They get you the same stuff every five years of it's requested and you can convince them you need new ones."

Ruby shook her head again. "That's stupid too!"

I nodded.

"Did you keep the mattresses at least?"

"One of them. Yes. The other two were ruined."

"From what?!"

"Kevin still has accidents. He's pissed one so bad I couldn't hide the smell anymore. The one I replaced it with was ripped to shreds. Kevin was playing with knives again. And the other one Miles took."

"Why did he take it?"

"Because even though they gave ME the beds, they were intended for Miles and Mark. It was put in as a request under dad's name to ensure we got them. It was the only way. I couldn't really argue since it was initially Miles' bed. It was the frame he kept breaking. And I didn't want to deal with Deborah. I just wanted him out of my house."

"Oh. Okay then." Ruby was unimpressed but understood my decision.

We spent the next little while going over ideas that we could do with the kids. Ruby continued to write the ideas down and make a game plan. She gave me homework and reminded me of my work at the preschool. How I couldn't show my emotions there. I had plenty of time at home to do that.

She also encouraged me to shop around for what we needed and show the ministry we can provide even under the most excruciating of times.

For the first time since I got to Ruby's house I was able to breathe.