"Hey, my love." Brad said as I opened my van door at home.

I glanced over at him as I climbed out.

Brad came down the front steps to greet me, as he started since they took our children. I couldn't figure out why he started. I figured that maybe it was his need to help him get through. After all, he was home alone for eight hours as I went off to work.

"How was your day? Did you get to see Heather?" He asked anxiously.

I sighed. I let my bottom lip push into my upper lip as I pouted and debated on crying or not. "No!" My tone was angry and hurt.

"Aw, baby." Brad grew sad. "I'm sorry you didn't get to see her." He approached me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "You'll get to see her tomorrow."

"No I won't." I pouted. "You know as well as I that Deborah's a bitch! She would do anything to hurt me."

Brad let my shoulders go with a sigh. "How do you know? Maybe Heather wasn't feeling well. You know she wasn't feeling well went they took her."

My turn to sigh. I shook my head and stared at the ground. I decided not to waste my breath trying to explain to him the inner workings of Deborah's mind. "I spoke to Jason today." I started.

"Oh, that's good! What did he say? Can we see the kids?" Brad's tone was soft and gentle. It pissed me off that he could be so patient during this time. How could he be so careless? Doesn't he care about the kids?

I shook my head. "I don't know. I text him earlier. We meet with him at two tomorrow at the band office. I asked him if we could see the kids and he didn't answer." My body heaved.

Brad put his hands on me again. "We will get to see them. They can't keep us away from them." He tried to reassure me.

I scoffed at him. "You really don't realize the amount of power they have, do you?" I was disgusted by his niavity. I refused to believe that I was the only one who seen things for what they were. But everyone else believed me to be crazy. Always over-analytical and suspicious. Quick to find some kind of conspiracy.

I had no idea why anyone would conspire against me. I couldn't possibly be so goddamned important that people, in general, would conspire to hurt me. But somehow, they did. MCFD and Deborah did conspire to take my children. I didn't understand why or how MCFD could be so easily manipulated to believe the worst. I dragged myself and my children out of Hell to get to where we were. I sighed. Maybe I didn't.

I looked at Brad and pondered. Can I really blame him for this? Is this really his fault? Or am I so self-indulgent that I can't see it was really MY fault? Deborah was right. I am selfish. I gave in to my emotions and sobbed.

Brad swept me into his arms and breathed heavily in my ear. "We WILL get them back, Sam. I know it." He attempted to reassure me again.

My body cringed in his arms. I made sure not to let him feel it though. I wanted to blame him. To accuse him of everything that went wrong. I hated him. The very smell of him made me nauseous. I scrunched my face and succumbed to his warmth. I buried my face into his chest and cried. My hands clenched around his shirt as I pulled it in to me.

"My love." Brad exhaled.

I wanted to hit him. To kick him and push his face into the gravel of my driveway. I wanted to scream at him that I hated him. To tell him it was his fault. I can't do that. I told myself. I had to think about the situation again. I couldn't blame Brad unless all evidence says I can. Piece the puzzle together slowly and see where it all points to. Who can I blame and how can I knock their asses down for this travesty? It was that moment I swore to myself that I would find the bitches who did this and I would find a way to hold them accountable. Even if it was Brad.

"So what do we do?" Brad broke my thoughts. "We meet Jason and then what?"

I sniffled and pulled away from him. "We talk to him about the kids. I'm going to Ruby's tonight to make a schedule for visitations. Come up with ideas on what we can do with them and where we can take them."

"What's wrong with the park?" Brad asked.

I laughed internally. "That's what I said. But Ruby thinks it's important we do other things. And I don't want to hear the arguments. I already made them. Maybe she's right. Maybe she plans to make us broke. I don't know and I don't care. I said I would do whatever it took to get the kids home. And if a façade of having money will do it then that's what we'll do." I took a breath.

I walked past Brad and started for the stairs.

"Is she going to cough up some money for all her ideas?" Brad sighed.

"Try not to worry about it. I'll take care of the financial arguments with my sister. I am certain that between me, mom and Ruby we'll get it all taken care of."

"What about food for when the kids come back?" Brad allowed desparation to creep through his voice.

I stopped at the top landing of the steps and looked at Brad. He was halfway up the stairs behind me and stopped when I had. "I'm very resourceful. I will make sure they don't starve. Believe me. I refuse to get my kids back just to have them taken from us again because we can't afford it. We'll just have to make some sacrifices. Emotional and otherwise." I turned and walked into the house.

I heard Brad sigh behind me. I was so angry about the situation and I was desparate to find someone to blame. "For right now we need to clean. What have you done today while I was at work?"

Brad closed the front door and climbed the inside stairs after me. "I didn't do much." He admitted. "Did some laundry. Cleaned the kitchen a bit. I didn't want to throw anything out without your saying so."

I nodded and looked around. I worked out in my head earlier what I had to do but I failed to be more detailed in my to-do list.

I walked into the livingroom and sat down. The weight of my tasks overwhelmed me. I felt the entire house turn black and be sucked in to a black hole. The front part of my brain went cold right behind my eyes and sinuses.

"We have to go over what needs to be done and break it down." I said as Brad entered the room.

"Why? Just get it done and it's done."

"I have to get it organized in my head. I'm getting overwhelmed at the thought. So what do we need to do?"

Brad sighed as he thought. "We have to clean out all the trash from the kids' rooms and get it set up for them. Get all the trash out of the livingroom. Organize the shit we want to keep and keep it that way." He said simply.

I looked at him blankly. "What did you get done again?" I could see Brad get annoyed with my question. "I'm sorry. I'm not keeping up with things very well."

"I said I did some laundry and cleaned up the kitchen a bit."

I nodded. "What's left for the kitchen?"

"Recycling, garbage we don't use." Brad shrugged.

Everything we didn't have a use for was garbage to Brad. Even if it held sentimental meaning. It was frustrating. I did my best not to lash out at him. I nodded. "So organizing."

Brad nodded.

"Well let's get some shit done then so I can feel productive when I see Ruby tonight. She's going to ask what we did too. I want to be able to answer her." With that, I stood up. "Let's go downstairs and work our way up. The kitchen will always be dirty from the traffic and cooking. No sense cleaning now if we're going to lug shit in there to throw away."

Brad nodded and got to his feet. He followed me downstairs into the laundry room. That liar. He said he did SOME laundry. He did nearly all of it. "Are these clean?" I gestured to hampers and totes full of laundry.

"Not these." Brad pointed to the two totes and piles laundry on the floor. Still wasn't much compared to before.

Each hamper held two loads of laundry unless it were bedding. There were five hampers and one had a mink blanket with sheets, that was one load. Altogether he had done nine loads of laundry.

"Okay then. Let's get the rest done and we can go through the clothes and downsize." I looked around the room. The bins and boxes that were lining the wall were missing. "Where'd the boxes go?" I asked.

"In the garage. Some went to the garbage though. Was a bunch of papers and shit. Nothing important. Nothing was written or drawn on them. But it wasn't a lot either. Most of it went to the garage."

I nodded.

Brad took a deep breath as if he were preparing himself. "I'll swap the laundry. You can start carrying the hampers up." He went for the dryer.

I took a hamper and went upstairs with it.

A few hours later, we managed to get through all the laundry Brad washed. The clothes that were too small were bagged and put out by the garbage bin. A laundry room with laundry of seven children is always neverending. But this time, with the kids being gone, we may succeed at catching up.

I picked up my phone and text Ruby:

'When you want me over?'

I put my phone down and sighed. I was exhausted. I was exhausted when I started. We still had the remaining laundry to do and then the room itself. Then we had to move on to the kids' rooms downstairs.

At this moment, Haley had taken over two rooms. One she had lived in and one she moved out of when it became too full for her existence in it. We moved Jonathan into Kevin's room to allow Haley to move into Jonathan's bedroom. It was a messy situation. Now I had to clean Haley's room and try to make space for her to move back in. Jonathan had to reclaim his room and Kevin needed his space back. I wasn't sure how they would feel when they came home. Or how they would take coming home to their own rooms. The thought excited me.

I urged myself to keep going even when I couldn't. My body gave way to my weight and the weight of my mind.

My phone buzzed.

Ruby:

'After eight. I have to finish cooking dinner. Early dinner tonight so we can work on this.'

I nodded at my phone as if Ruby could see me acknowledge her.

Me:

'Ok then.'

Ruby:

'Did you get any cleaning done?'

Me:

'Yes. Brad did a lot of laundry and cleaned the kitchen some while I was at work. He took out a lot of crap that wasn't ours. We just finished downsizing all the laundry he did.'

Ruby:

'Thats it!!!!???'

Me:

'Have you done laundry for 9 ppl before? Do you even know how much clothes there are and that's needed for 7 children? Or how much bedding there are for all their beds??'

Ruby:

'Ok.'

I huffed at her. She's so judgmental. But who am I to complain? I'm in this mess. She isn't. I had to convince myself we did what we could in the time we had. It was almost eight already. No more time to do anything big. I felt we had to keep working. Take a break here and there and get back to work. Work until we passed out.

"Is that your sister?" Brad interrupted my thoughts.

I nodded. "Yeah." I flopped my phone down on the couch. "She's unimpressed with what we did."

Brad snorted. "Well I don't see her here doing anything. Does she even know how much shit there was in the laundry room?"

I shook my head.

"Did you tell her?"

I shook my head again. "Not all of it. I told her the kids have a lot of laundry and bedding. We downsized. I'll tell her the rest when I get there."

Brad nodded. "When you leaving?"

"Soon. She said to be there after eight."

Brad nodded again. "How long will you be?"

"I don't know." I snapped. I was losing my patience again. "Why?!" I demanded.

Brad looked at me patiently and blinked. "I don't know what do Sam."

I looked at him with a scowl. My expression softened when I seen his. He was sad and lonely. He couldn't hide it anymore. His face grew pale with every second that went by and the glimmer in his eyes had faded. I don't even know when they faded.

I loved his eyes. They're distinctive and playful. Bright and curious. They were always my favourite feature of his. They were what drew me in. I hated seeing his eyes so dark.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I don't like to be alone here. The house is too empty. It's not like the kids are off spending the night somewhere. They're not coming back." His voice cracked.

My heart sunk. "They're coming back." I said unconvincingly. "You've been telling me that this whole time."

"I know. But I never believed me. I wanted you to hear it."

"Why? If you didn't believe it, why would you keep saying it? To convince yourself?" I sat up straight looking at him.

"Maybe." Brad answered thoughtfully. "It seemed important that you keep hearing it." He spoke as if he were in a confessional. Raw and vulnerable. Ready for reprimand. "I know it's hard for you. Harder than it is for me. You spent more time with them. You raised them and carried them. I'm new. I came in and they were already grown." He stared off. "I feel like this was my fault. And I wanted to make you feel better."

I frowned. "Was it your fault?" I asked accusingly.

Brad looked at me plainly. "No. I don't think so." He looked up at the ceiling.

I watched him bite back tears. He blinked vigorously as an attempt to keep his tears from falling.

"I KNOW I didn't hurt her." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me. "I didn't even see her hand hit the wall."

I stiffened.

"I spun her. That's all I did. And I keep going through it in my head over and over....." He broke off. Brad took a deep breath and held it. When he exhaled, he quivered.

My chest tightened as I was sure his did too.

"I didn't see it. I didn't know that happened." Brad cut his crying off. He let a small wimper out and that was it. All he was willing to allow.

I sighed and walked over to him. I sat beside him on the couch and leaned on his shoulder. "I keep going through it too. Everything I heard. Everything that was said." I sighed again. "It doesn't make sense. By what Nicole said she was hurt pretty bad. Big swollen and bruised wrist."

"I know I couldn't have hurt her like that."

"I'll be honest." I sat up and looked at Brad. "I want to blame you." I waited for a reaction from him.

Nothing. He just looked down.

"I know you can be hands on with the kids but I also know that you wouldn't hurt them. If you did hurt her, you need to be well prepared to admit it and own up to it. If you didn't then that's another fight we have to prepare for."

Brad shook his head at me. "I didn't know I hurt her. But if I did then I'm willing to take responsibility."

I tilted my head and thought about what I was going to say next. "I want to say that I hate you. That I blame you for all this shit. That you should've known better than to touch her. I want to be angry with you."

"Why don't you?" Brad confronted me.

"Because I don't think it fair of me to be irrational. I have choices to make. Do I want to blame you regardless of your innocence? I would have to kick you out and prove that they were right all along. Or do I want to stand by you and fight for your innocence? I would prove that they were wrong about everything. But both has their risks. I leave you, the kids will be devastated. You're the only father they've ever really known. I keep you and the kids are happy but Haley will be displaced and angry. Either way, I'm risking kids."

Brad nodded. "How will you decide? Whatever your decision I'll respect it."

I took a deep breath and looked away. "I was raised to stand and fight for what's right. Regardless of the outcome. Despite this crap Deborah pulled, she did teach me some good things. The right thing to do is to first be certain of the situation. Did you or did you not intend to hurt her?"

"I did not."

"And I believe that you didn't. Going by what I know of you and all the years I've spent with you growing up, it doesn't fit the bill. I'm certain of that. Is it right to let you sink? No. There is no fairness in that. Is it right to stand by you? I don't know. The longer I stay with you, the more a victim I look and the more at risk the kids are to be taken."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I have to think about it still. I have my feelings. But I have to look at the facts."

"Fact is I never intended to hurt Haley." Brad pierced my eyes with his.

"I know. You have some shit to work on and so do I. Another fact is I can't sit here and let you suffer alone. This was MY daughter's doing. MY step-mother's doing. The right thing to do is to stand by you and fight for your innocence. So you have to be willing to do everything I say. If you can't then you will have to leave."

Brad nodded. "I understand. I will do whatever it takes to get the kids back. It was MY doing too. I shouldn't have touched her. I should've walked away from her instead of spinning her around." Brad shook his head. "What do I need to do?"

"We'll meet with Jason tomorrow and tell him WE are ready, willing and prepared to take anger management. We will also be going to counselling. You HAVE to prepare yourself for their games."

"What games?"

I stood up. "Deborah would've told Nicole all about your temper."

"She doesn't know my temper."

I sighed. "I know. But I'm telling you how it would've went. Nicole will want to speak to you. She will want to attempt to see your temper. And you have to be prepared for that."

"I'm always in control of my temper."

I gave Brad a sideways look.

"Ok. Alright. I wasn't that day and I should have. I'm the adult. I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to. You'll have to keep working while I'm at Ruby's. Can you do that?"

"Yep." Brad stood up. "What would you like me to do?"

"Start working on the toddler's room please? Pull out all their laundry. We should wash it whether they're clean or not. And try to find something to put their toys in."

Brad nodded. "What do you want to eat? I'll cook something. I'll do the laundry. That's more overwhelming than anything else. The rest is either garbage or not."

I nodded. "Cook whatever. I have to go." I grabbed an extra pack of smokes. It was already 8:30. I walked out the door and drove to Ruby's.