love and bravery

i only wanted to know: what if i never forget you? what if, all my life, i can never fall for anyone else because they aren't you?

i had you etched too deep in my heart, allowing you to fill every single gap within this enclosed space of mine. a heart is only this big and other than you, i could no longer house another person in. tell me, if i left the door open, will you choose to stay or leave?

(i wanted you to stay, with me.)

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After leaving Aillard's office, I went back to my own space. I sat in the swivel chair, with a pen tapping on the glossy dark surface of my desk. My mind couldn't let go of the knowledge that this was all Eldrick Illiades' sabotage, and I couldn't comprehend Aillard's silence on the matter.

Tapping on the keyboard, I woke the desktop system up and went into my contact list to give a ring to a friend. The call was picked up almost immediately as the silhouette of Izanagi Takahashi appeared on my screen. A pair of dark eyes that were filled with curiosity and surprise stared right at me when he asked, "Wren, what's up? You looked troubled."

"Izanagi," I sighed. "I am in need of your help."

"Of course, my lady," Izanagi agreed without any hesitation. "I would be happy to help you in any way I could."

"It's an internal war, and I need any alliance I could find," I mentioned. "Right, I also need you to convince Darian to stand on my side."

"No problem," Izanagi laughed. "That rascal would be dumb if he decided to choose any sides other than yours. You need not worry about here, Wren. I'll make a call to the other syndicates too."

"Thank you," I expressed my gratitude.

"Always welcome, my lady," Izanagi winked.

With that, I ended my call with Izanagi and went through the list of contacts to extend a formal greeting to any strings I could pull to our side. I went through the legal documents again and mapped out the possibilities of anything that could go right, or wrong.

It was almost three hours later when I left my own office, heading to find Aillard. His secretary stopped me before I could push down the handle and enter his office. She said, "Ms Ashenherst, Mr Illiades had left the office."

I frowned, "Where to?"

"I have no idea, but he left a note for you before leaving."

His secretary pulled on the drawer and picked out a note. I thanked her and walked back to my office, opening the note on the way to see a short string of words scribbled neatly on the small piece of paper: 

Wren, please return to the household once you're done. I'll be back later in the night.

Unsettled, I held onto my phone and dialled his number. To my expectation, Aillard had turned his phone off and the call couldn't go through. Putting my phone back into my pocket, I picked up my laptop and left the central office building to return to the household.

I wasn't sure what to feel about this vexing feeling brimming in my chest.

The manager greeted me as I entered the quiet bar and slid the thick coat off my shoulders, leaving it by the barstool beside me as I settled myself in front of the counter. I raised a hand and waited for the bartender to give his attention to me before I said, "Lagavulin 16, on the rocks."

The bartender turned around swiftly, swinging the new bottle of Scotch off the shelf while picking up a polished old-fashioned glass. He added a ball of ice cube into the glass followed by a neat pour of whisky before serving the drink to me on a coaster above the dark marbled surface of the counter. A moment before he turned away to shelve the Scotch back, I told him, "Leave the bottle."

The bottle was left by my glass and the bartender nodded politely before moving away to serve the other customers at the other end of the long counter. My hand clenched tightly onto the glass, and I closed my eyes to recall my conversation with Mallory a moment ago.

Recollection: Two hours ago

"Tell me of his condition, Mallory," I requested.

"We found changes in his brain activity," Mallory explained. "When we moved on to do some tests, he was able to react to it accordingly."

I wasn't sure what to make out of the complicated emotions that weighed in an unsettling manner within me. A part of me wanted my doppelganger to wake up, but another part of me wished that he would never rise from his eternal slumber. The world didn't have the capacity to hold the two of us and if he ever decided to return to this world, I would be the one to disappear.

Raking a hand through the short strands of my hair, I tried to calm the vexing thoughts swirling deep in my mind. I tried to ask, "How much time have I left?"

"Alek—"

"Mallory, how much time?" I emphasised, not wanting to hear anything else other than an answer to my question.

"I don't have an exact answer to your question, my dear," Mallory exhaled. "Judging by the EEG, I'll say two months."

"Two months," I mumbled with sadness overwhelming me. "It hadn't ever crossed my mind that I wouldn't have enough time to hold her properly."

"Alek," Mallory sighed, but didn't say anything more.

I cut the line in the pause of silence and stood from my desk to leave my office. My secretary looked in my direction, waiting for me to give her any instructions but my gaze went straight to the door leading into Wren's office. A rush of emotions was pulling me towards her as I wanted to walk right through that door and squeeze her tight within my embrace. Yet, my body refused to react the way my heart willed. Turning around, I asked for a small piece of paper and a pen while scribbling down a line of words that I never meant. I passed the note to my secretary and said, "Hand this to Wren if you do see her."

My secretary nodded and I walked towards the lift to leave the office building.

I raised the glass in my hand and downed the bitter liquid in a single swig. My hand reached into the pocket of my coat as I took out my cigarette case. I know I promised Wren to never touch a stick again, but there were days when I couldn't help it. 

The lonely days without her and the pain of knowing that I may need to part with her again was pulling me back to this old habit of mine. I needed something to take my mind off these pressing issues and emotions. Lighting up a stick, I inhaled the tobacco-filled smoke while pouring another glass of liquor in futile attempts to ease the ache in my chest.

I stared at the wall clock as it struck one through midnight. Tossing and turning in my bed, I wasn't able to fall asleep at all. Not wanting to force myself any longer, I tugged the sheets aside and crawled out of my bed. My hand stretched to pull the satin robe off the hanger as I slid my arms through the sleeves and tightened the knot at my waist.

I walked out of my room and headed downstairs, surprised to see Grecia sitting in the living area. I called out to her, "Grecia?"

She was a little startled by the sudden call of her name as she turned around and found me at the stairs. The old lady laughed, "You scared me, darling."

"It's really late at night, why aren't you asleep?" I was concerned, walking towards her as I sat right beside her.

"It doesn't feel good here," Grecia said, placing a palm over her chest. "A housemaid like me wouldn't be able to know what you children are experiencing out there, but I know it when the both of you are troubled."

"Please never say that, Grecia. All these years, you're like a mother to us," I comforted, placing my hand over hers. "You're waiting for Aillard to return to the household?"

"Yes, darling," Grecia sighed. "I've prepared some warm honey tea in the kitchen for him."

From the worried look on her face, I knew it would be useless to ask her to head back to rest. Therefore, we waited together and in Grecia's company, I found myself calmer than a few moments ago. The old lady took my hand and placed it in between hers as she stared longingly at the main door of the household, and I couldn't help but look in her direction.

I entered the household when I was a child. Then, Grecia was a charming lady in her early thirties with stars in her eyes and the brightest smile amidst the grimness of the old Illiades household. Now, Grecia was in her fifties with skin crinkling at the corner of her eyes, but she was still the lady that had pure light speckling in her eyes. Her hand that used to hold onto mine was coarse from the hard work she placed her soul into, and this indescribable feeling never failed to hit me when she held onto my hand right now with her slightly wrinkled hands. Grecia led her whole life within the walls of the Illiades, but her wisdom was folded upon the visible creases on her skin.

A sudden creak on the door jarred me out of my thoughts as my eyes went straight to the main door. Aillard stumbled into view, and I quickly left my seat to grab a hold of him. Smelling the strong stench of alcohol and smoke off him, I worried, "Gods above, what happened?"

Silence greeted me as Grecia gave me a hand to lift some of Aillard's weight off me. Aillard mumbled something incomprehensible before wrapping his hands around Grecia and I, tugging us closer to him. I was taken aback but Grecia responded in a comforting tone, "You're okay, my child."

Aillard held onto us in silence, refusing to speak as Grecia gently patted on his wide back. Both of us seemed so small within his embrace but at this moment, all we wanted was to hold his fragile heart within our palms tenderly. I didn't know what happened that caused such a big turmoil within him but if I could ease the ache in his chest, I wouldn't mind holding him like this for a long time.

Grecia helped me as we supported him up the stairs before heading back down to the kitchen to grab the glass of warm tea. She made sure Aillard had some before saying, "I'll leave him to you, Wren."

"Please go ahead and rest," I thanked her again for her help and she left with a gentle smile on her face.

I pulled on the blanket to tuck Aillard in and just when I was about to leave, his hand quickly caught my wrists. I was startled by the suddenness when he mumbled, "Wren..."

I softened immediately, sitting at the edge of his bed and holding onto his hand firmly. I said quietly, "I'm here, my love."

His eyes fluttered open to reveal the most striking pair of storm grey eyes. The silver within those irises was gazing towards me with a piercing stare. Just when I was lost in the depth of his mesmerising eyes, I felt a sudden force pulling me towards him and before I could react, his lips were already on mine. The bitterness of alcohol and smoke was causing my heart to ache out of all the reasons, and I could feel the desperation in him when he moved against me.

His hands went underneath the hem of my shirt, but he quickly stopped his wandering touches. I panted against his lips, and he asked, "Can I?"

I wasn't sure who was more desperate for each other now as I exhaled, "Hold me." 

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a/n.
i'm so terribly sorry for the slow updates these few weeks. i just settled myself in my new job and couldn't get myself in the focus to write. but everything's getting better right now. just looking back at the past few months, my life was almost bonkers with me rushing to graduate, get a job and start adulting. i may still have irregular update schedules, so please bear with me! really sorry to my readers.