his heart's decision

───────────────

I only wished I could have a glimpse into the thoughts of this woman. She was already asphyxiating through the lack of air in her lungs but she still handed me the very thing which could keep her alive. My body acted on reflex — the kind of reflex my body would have only when it concerned her. Holding Wren close to me, I covered the oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. In a barely audible voice, I whispered painfully, "Breathe, Wren, please. Please don't do this to me." 

In my arms, Wren felt so small as she panted and tried to pace her breathing again, trying so hard to find the correct rhythm to relieve herself from the suffocation. I ran my hand through the short strands of her hair and buried my nose in to take in her soft scent. At this point, I didn't even care if I was being all too intimate with her because I felt that if I refused to hold her towards me, she would simply slip through the cracks of my heart and leave me entirely. 

None of me was ready to part with her. 

This silly woman had no idea how many times I killed myself just to come up with the decision of sending her to Norway and she didn't know how much my heart skittered when she refused to leave. I wanted her so badly but it was utterly pathetic how I had no reasons to make her stay. 

Slowly, I placed Wren back onto the bed and she was already overwhelmed by the weariness from all the struggle she went through a while ago. I traced her brow with the pad of my thumb and she inched closer to the warmth of my touch. A mumble of words tumbled past her soft lips but I heard her so clearly when she said, "Please don't leave me." 

My heart wrenched, almost drained dry of blood. Those were the exact same words she said to me when she laid in this ward ten years ago when I broke the news to her that Clarence had passed. Despite her cold front, this woman was also vulnerable to her fears and insecurities like every other human. Wren had once been abandoned by her own parents that ended her up in the orphanage, and Clarence had abandoned her when he died in the gunfight ten years ago. I could only ask myself if I was going to leave her heartlessly like everyone else. 

I conflicted between wanting her safe and wanting her, knowing that the two ideas didn't marry and I could only decide on one or the other. Just when I was lost in my thoughts, she stirred uncomfortably in her sleep. That moment,  my heart had decided and I hushed, "Sleep, my little songbird. I'll always be here." 

I wasn't able to let her go, I couldn't bear to part with her and I would continue to curse her with our ill-fate. 

All because I'm so fucking stupid. 

When I woke up again, Aillard was no longer in my ward. The entire place screamed in its emptiness, except one second later the door was violently slammed opened and Naya appeared while cussing, "Dear Lord up above, Wren! I have absolutely no idea whether I want to murder you or hug you tight." 

"Please have mercy, milady," I laughed but felt a sudden jolt of pain from the left side of my chest which caused me to sigh mentally at the knowledge that even the act of laughing could cause me pain. 

Propping myself up on one elbow, Naya strode towards me and helped me sit up before she operated the remote control to adjust the bed up for me. Thankfully, Mallory had replaced the annoying oxygen mask with nasal tubes while I was asleep, making it so much easier to talk to people now. 

I knew of Naya's temper, she hadn't stopped for a single second the moment she marched into my ward. A small grin lifted from the corner of my mouth and I stretched my arm out to hold onto her hand. I said, "I'm still alive, girlfriend." 

"You!" Naya exclaimed with a cry and she dropped to sit on the side of my bed, crashing into me as she buried her head on my shoulder. "I really hate you, you know? I really really hate you, Wren." 

"Please don't hate me," I let out a breathless chuckle. "I don't think I can live without you." 

"Please stop doing this," Naya quietly pleaded. "Just one word, Wren. Just one word and you know that Ismael and I will help you get out of the Illiades—"

"Naya, we've talked about this," I sighed. "I'm not leaving Aillard. I'm almost losing the whole of him." 

"Are you only going to regret this when you die?" Naya shook her head, sitting up straight as she stared at me disbelievingly. 

"You'll understand me when you fall in love one day," I explained. 

"How foolish," she dismissed. "As much as I also pity Aillard, I know that his love is lethal and he will never be able to reciprocate to your feelings when you remain as the Illiades' Wren Ashenherst." 

"I know," I gave her a wry smile. "But you don't stop loving someone just because of circumstances."

"For heaven's sake," Naya exhaled in exasperation as she threw her palms up. "But Wren, the Fayed family is behind you, please know that." 

"What would I do without the both of you?" I smiled. "Talking about Ismael, where is he?"

"A moment?"

I was on the phone and I turned towards the voice to see Ismael standing at the entrance of my ward. Acknowledging his request with a slight nod, I quickly instructed a few requests over the phone and hung up. I placed my phone aside and looked towards my childhood friend, "What's up?" 

"A small break?" Ismael pointed towards the door beside me. 

Running a hand through my hair, I contemplated for a moment before I shrugged my shoulder and replied, "Sure."

We stepped into the balcony and leaned against the glass balusters. Ismael clicked opened his cigarette case and held it close to me. I knew well enough that I probably shouldn't be doing this but I caved in, needing something to take my mind off all the destructive thoughts. He lighted his cigarette before swinging the lighter to me and I followed suit. 

Ismael took a drag and exhaled a plume of grey that smelled of a hazy rich bouquet of spice, eucalyptus and creosote. It had been a while since I indulged myself with the aromatics of a cigarette and at the tantalizing trigger, my throat constricted as the craving grew. Ismael looked towards me and asked, "What's holding you back?" 

"Fuck it," I cursed under my breath and lifted the stick to my mouth, inhaling and exhaling as I looked towards the smoke that hung in the air, shifting like ghosts in the breeze. There was something infuriating as I took each drag as if perversely luring that morbid end to punish Wren for all the pain she caused me while I backed on my promise to her and lay my hands on this vile addiction once again. Looking ahead towards the obscuring grey smoke, I mentioned, "Speak your mind, Ismael. I don't have all the time in the world."

"You know why I seek you, Aillard," Ismael let out a humourless laugh. "Here's a serious note: if you can't protect Wren, I won't hesitate to take her away from you." 

"Tread carefully," I warned icily. 

"We grew up together, Aillard, and I know that you realised that Wren's a girl," Ismael replied in the same tone and I could say that I wasn't at all surprised to learn that he already knew Wren's actual identity. 

"Don't start a war that you're not prepared for, head of the Fayed family," I said tonelessly. 

"As you've mentioned, I'm the head of my family," Ismael emphasised, raising a brow in amusement as he took another puff of smoke. He continued, "How long are you going to let Eldrick stand above you and trample on your soul, my dear friend?" 

"My father is making a grave mistake to underestimate the usurper to his throne," I scoffed. I never believed in holding good cards, but playing a poor hand well. And I shall make this the very thing to bring my father to ruins as he struggled to understand his loss. 

"Ismael, you have a lot on your plate right now. Mind your own business," I clicked my tongue, pulling the cigarette in for another drag.

Ismael reached over to take the cigarette from my hand and threw it on the ground to extinguish the lighted head. He pointed his finger towards me and warned, "Wren doesn't allow you to smoke and you still took up my offer. I'll keep this once a secret." 

"Darned," I incensed. "Don't offer it to me if you already knew that much." 

"I do miss my smoking buddy from time to time," Ismael laughed lightly. "You should know how devastated I feel when I listened to Wren warning me to never offer you cigarettes." 

I rolled my eyes and tucked my hands in the pockets of the hospital gown while inhaling a deep breath of the damned fresh air. 

"Still angsty as ever," Ismael retorted. Raising his hand, he walked towards the balcony door while bidding his goodbye, "I'm heading over to see my precious. Catch up another day, Aillard." 

───────────────

a/n:

her heart was wild,
but i didn't want to catch it,
i wanted to run with it,
to set mine free.
(atticus)