life and death

i've learned that nothing in this life are mutually exclusive. everything falls on a continuum, even for something as antithetic as life and death. 

(because humans only learn the true meaning of something when they knew of the flipside of a story.)

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I woke up to the annoying beeping sound of the heart rate monitor placed near the side of my bed. A nurse stood at the bed's end as she took notes on the paper on her clipboard and she seemed too engrossed in her work to notice that I had come to my consciousness. Trying to grab her attention, I shifted a little and rasped, "Where's Mallory?" 

"Dr Bernthold left a moment ago after a quick check of your vitals," she replied, seemingly a little surprised by my suddenness. Clicking on the pen in her hands she continued, "She mentioned that she would be heading towards Mr Ashenherst's ward."  

My eyes went towards the name tag pinned on her nurse uniform and said, "Eleanor, can I trouble you to just get this off me? I need to leave the ward."

I pointed towards the nasal tubes inserted into my nose but Eleanor responded, "Mr Illiades, your condition has yet to stabilise and I cannot that unless I received instructions from Dr Bernthold." 

"I'm feeling fine already, get it off," I mentioned simply, reaching for the tube and about to rip it off if she decided to decline my request again. 

"I-I will r-remove it, please lie back down," Eleanor panicked and I listened, resting my back on the bed as she reached to turn the knob to stop the oxygen flow through the tubes and carefully removed it for me. Propping myself up on one elbow, I felt slightly light-headed but I knew my body well enough to know that I wasn't needing the supply of oxygen already. I waited for a moment before insisting on leaving the ward, giving Eleanor no choice but to help me up as I staggered my way towards Wren's ward. 

I simply stood outside, staring into the window as my eyes fixed themselves on the small and fragile demeanour of the woman who had just escaped the harrowing grip of death. Her eyes remained closed, her complexion was paler than the sheets and it cracked my heart to see her breathing slowly through the oxygen mask placed over her face as her chest rose and fell in almost hitches, showing how much difficulty she was experiencing while trying to sustain the amount of airflow through only her right lung. The guilt gnawed within me, growing like an enigmatic wraith that threatened to possess me in while. My heart was painfully dying from the realisation that she had once again fought through the gates of hell for me. 

Placing a hand on the cold glass, I missed all the warmth of her skin but I also wasn't sure if I were to hold her now, would she be warm or cold against my touch? My gaze remained on her, only wondering if we were never meant to be together and that I was the bane of her life, destined to plague her with the ominous shadows of death. 

Just then, Mallory had exited her ward as she called and scolded me with a chiding tone, "I'm not even going to ask Eleanor how you got here." 

"I requested of her nicely," I responded and Mallory politely dismissed Eleanour, saying that she would handle the situation from here. 

The poor nurse scurried away, as though afraid that if she were to stay for a moment longer, it would affect her employment in this hospital. Mallory could only sigh, as she turned my arm around to make sure that other than the oxygen supply, I hadn't tampered with anything else that was supposed to keep my weak body from deteriorating. 

"Wren's okay, you can return back to your ward," Mallory mentioned. 

"I want to stay with her," I lowered my voice, never taking my eyes off the girl sleeping in the ward.

"Aillard—" Mallory seemed to be at a loss for words and I turned to study the complicated expression on her face. Perhaps, I understood her reservations. 

"There's nothing to be worried about," I assured. 

"She doesn't know—" 

"There's nothing to be worried about," I repeated, voice low. "I just wanted to be close to her." 

Mallory didn't say anything thereafter as she led me into Wren's ward and settled me in the armchair placed beside her ward before leaving us to be. I sat there for a brief moment just looking at her, deep in her sleep as she gasped whenever she inhaled a breath but her expression stayed serene and undisturbed. A sudden click on the door and a nurse entered her ward with a tub of water and a towel. I gestured to her, "Leave it, I'll do it." 

She was surprised at first but nodded and headed out when she quickly recognised me. Effortfully, I pushed myself to stand and grabbed the towel. Soaking it in the tub of warm water and wringing it dry, I held her arm up carefully and wiped her down. I continued with the other arm and a frown formed between her brows as she grumbled softly. I found myself smiling at her with a sense of happiness and relief finding their way into my heart when I knew that all the years hadn't change everything about this woman. She was still petulant if she wanted to be. 

I was wiping her neck when her eyes fluttered opened and at the sight of me, those pale eyes widened further. She was now staring at me with a piercing gaze and on her face was filled with million questions etched within her expression. I said, "Just rest." 

"Aillard," she inhaled a little too much air than her body could hold before she let out a series of hacking coughs. I panicked, smoothing a hand across her chest in an attempt to soothe her until she slapped it away and I became aware of all that I had done. 

Withdrawing my hand, I settled the towel back into the tub and sat back to the seat beside the bed. Her fingers clutched tightly on the collar of her hospital gown and she looked terribly flustered. 

I reminded, "Breathe properly, Wren. You will really die this time if you decided to suffocate yourself like that."

Frantic, I pulled the sheets up my body covering myself. I didn't have my binder on me and I could only hope that the brief moment he brushed past my chest, he didn't realise the thing that he wasn't supposed to know. Trying my hardest, I regulated my erratic breathing so that I wouldn't kill myself with those dry cough that threatened to tear the sutures from my left bottom rib apart.

I couldn't talk properly through the oxygen mask on my face and I know that removing them would warrant a good scolding from Mallory so I just mumbled through it, hoping that Aillard could understand, "Are you okay?"

"I am," he responded, fully understanding all the muffled words that I spoke. Yet, I wasn't sure why I felt hurt when he didn't look at me. Aillard kept his gaze low and he looked almost everywhere except at me. He spoke quietly, "Lie back down, I won't touch you if you didn't want me to."

Honestly, this man had to be the most oblivious and infuriating person I would ever know in my life. If only he could see through me, he would know how desperate I craved for his touch and I wanted so badly for him to hold me until I melt into him and cease to exist. That was how obsessed I am with him. Holding my lower lip between my teeth, I winced as I leaned back down onto the bed and since he didn't want to look at me, I decided to close my eyes to save myself from the heartbreak, knowing that I could never reach him even when we sat so close together.

"Wren," Aillard exhaled my name in a sigh and I opened my eyes again to look towards those startling grey eyes as I waited apprehensively for his words. The expression he held in his face was etched with so much confusion in them that I couldn't decipher what he was going to say next. The brief pause of a few seconds felt like an eternity and when he spoke again, I felt an ache in my chest. He said, "I cannot keep you by my side anymore."

What does that even mean?

Aillard continued, "I'll send you to Norway to lead the main company there. You don't have to worry much since I had been managing well. Lydia would be ensuring a smooth transition for you and I'll also arrange for Matthew to—"

"Don't," I interjected, my voice almost cracked in the same manner that my heart had shattered. I removed the oxygen mask, disregarding that I was almost suffocating the moment I denied myself of that air supply. I almost pleaded, "Aillard, don't decide that for me."

"You can't change my mind, Wren," he said, resolutely.

Another reason why I stayed even when I felt like I couldn't breathe was because of the hurt I saw in the depth of his eyes. The grey in those orbs was like shrouding darkness wrapping itself in his soul but somewhere within him, I still saw a remnant of the Aillard I loved. The last piece of himself that he hadn't lost to all demons lurking in every corner of the Illiades that dictated each and every of his move. And if I were to leave his side, I knew that it would murder that fragility in him and the darkness would devour him in whole until I saw nothing. Then, it would be too late.

I was already gasping, but I handed my supply of air in his hand. He glared towards me, almost fuming, "Wren, what the fuck are you trying to do?"

I strained to speak, "Neither can you change my mind, Aillard. I'll stay or you can step over my grave to make me leave."

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a/n:

this update arrived a little later than usual, but i hope the you all still enjoy the story!