With shaking hands, I dialed the number for the suicide hotline, anxiously pressing the speaker to my ear. The line rang for the longest time before I heard a click.

       "Waddya w-eugh-ant?" This was a man. His voice was rough and he had belched into the phone. I doubt they would answer like that...

       "Uh, y-yea, m-my names (Y/N) (L/N). I-I'm looking for... for the, uh...." I rubbed my leg anxiously. "What? I eugh don't have a-all day, y'know?"

       "I-I think I have the wrong n-number. I was-... I'm trying to call the, um... s-suicide hotline?" My entire body trembled as I waited anxiously for a response.

      "Y-Yea, w-wrong eugh number." I heard shuffling, almost like they were going to hang the phone up. "Wait! C-Can you tell me the number, then? I-I'm afraid of what I might do." I heard a heavy sigh, "I eugh don't know the number." He sounded annoyed, "What's eugh so important, anyway?"

       I watched my feet dance in the air in front of myself for a moment, trying to think of a way to say it. I'd never been good with just saying things like this. "I just... I didn't know what else to do. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen, listening to the radio, and I just held a knife in my hand, staring at it. I didn't do anything, but I just stared at it. I was wondering what it would be like to just press it into my stomach. I-I'm just afraid of myself right now. I know that I couldn't do that, but I also know that I couldn't stop myself if I tried." I released a heavy sigh, "I don't know why I try anymore. I feel like a walking cliche, you know? Like, I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I don't even know why I feel this way. I have everything, but I just... I don't feel like I belong here. I'm not special. Just a bundle of paranoia and... sadness, I guess."

       I relaxed for a moment, my feet had stopped swinging, and I waited to hear either a voice or a click as the line went dead.

       "I know what that's like." I paused my thinking for a moment, "What?" 

       "I said, eugh I know what that's like. But I've been through a eugh lot, so I know why I feel like this. I know that I deserve it. Everything you just said? I keughnow what that's like. But I found my answer. Plenty of alcohol and no emotion whatsoever. People can't get to you that way, through a wall. They can't get to you if you shut them out." I could hear noises in the background, like construction of some sort. "I tried to shut everybody out. I moved away from my family and I haven't seen or spoken to them since. I felt better for a little while, but it came back again. I know a lot of people who tell me it's just my emotions getting the best of me or something. I've had people say it's just because I'm young and going through a lot of changes. I guess I'm starting to believe it, too, though. I don't want to talk to people anymore because I feel like they're going to judge me. I think the only reason I was looking for the hotline is because I genuinely scared myself today."

       The tinkering noises had stopped abruptly, the sound of wheels on a desk chair rolling emitted from the speaker for a moment. "Listen, eugh kid, I'm not the best person to talk to about this. I degrade people and the only reason I haven't eugh told you off yet is because I get it. I just got outta prison and everything. I watched my best friend get killed at his wedding by the eugh bitch he was gonna marry. I destroyed my daughter's family. Trust me, we all have issues." I had no idea how to respond to that, having never expected to hear a story like that.

       "Just... eugh find something to distract yourself. Find somethin' you like to do and spend your whole life doing it. eugh I take my grandson on adventures because it makes him happy, which makes me glad to know eugh I can do something right. Yea, we come home with cuts and bruises, but it's worth it in the end."

       There was no sound on either end for what seemed like an eternity. "I don't know what to do with myself. I used to paint, and craft. I could read an entire book in an hour or two and move on to the next. But now I sit in my room all day, wondering when I'm going to get out of bed while I sit there, drowning in my thoughts. Now, all I do is sit on my bed and play with the stupid exacto knives under my pillow. I used to use them every day, every second I could. I would sit there and watch all the blood run down my arm, pooling in my palm. It felt like the only thing I could control, until the blood fell over the edge of my hand. People hate me. I did it to show them that I hated me more, like a damn competition. Now, I sit and stare at the blades, wondering what to do with them. I trace them over the scars sometimes, wondering if it would be worth it to open them up again. I haven't cut myself in a week and a half. Sometimes I want to really bad, and I wind up screaming from the frustration."

       He hummed in acknowledgment, "Yea, that's how it goes. Destroy yourself before they do, right? Can't hurt you if there's nothing left to break."

       "Exactly. I used to think I would be fine living on my own, away from everybody. I can't honestly say my parents hated me, but I can't say that they loved me, you know? There was something in the way they acted around me. There wasn't really a whole lot of emotion there." I laid back on my bed, running a hand through my hair. "I didn't think it would actually get worse when I left all of that behind. I hadn't thought for a second that I would wind up sitting in my room throughout the night wondering what it would be like to be dead. I sit and think of all the ways I could do it, all the things I could do to myself. I wondered what it would be like to just run in front of a car or something, when they were too close to brake in time. Or maybe I could just jump off the bridge in town. There's been so many stories about the kids that jump off the bridge and drown, their foot getting stuck in the garbage that everybody keeps throwing into the water. I know they say drowning is terrifying, but maybe that's the way I wanna go."

       He cleared his throat, "There's never really going eugh to be a good way out of this. You just have to occupy yourself with something, find a way to escape it all for a few hours. Or do something that you enjoy, but kills you slowly. I've been downing more alcohol than any person ever should. The amount of liquor in my system is more than enough to eugh take down a herd of elephants, and that's no exaggeration. I can feel my body adjusting to the levels every so often, and I start to drink more. I have to keep up with it. The beer and adventures and parties all keep me sane enough, but sometimes life is too overwhelming. I had gotten back together with an ex of mine, Unity. It was great. She and I were great, at least I thought so. She wound up dumping me again. eugh I tried to kill myself, I really did. But I wound up screwing that up. I went around feeling like an idiot for not even being able to off myself. I wound up doing a lot of wacky shit after that." He paused for the longest time.

       "There was another time, after that eugh wedding I told you about, that I knew how dumb I was. When the little bitch offed my best friend, I had to get my family out of there. She was there to get me. It had been the longest undercover operation to capture me that I'd ever heard of, and I felt so stupid for not realizing what was up." I sat up, wondering what he meant by that. "I took them to another planet. There was an entire governmental system out to get me, and I kept my family in horrid situations to save my ass. I heard them one time, when I was in the core of the planet. It was so uncomfortably small." I'd never been so confused before. " They were talking about me. My daughter, Beth, was the only one that stood up for me, but I knew I couldn't do that to her. So I turned myself in. Morty, my grandson, he had figured it out. He told me he wasn't going to let me do that, but I had to. I turned myself in to the Galactic Federation and they took my family home. I figured they didn't need a fuck up like me around.

       "But, while I sat there, subjected to testing for months, I realized that I wasn't the only one giving something up here. My grandson had to give up our adventures. My daughter had to give up her father. My granddaughter had to give up her grandfather. My daughter's husband, an incredibly dumb man, was running the house. I couldn't let that happen. So I got outta there, fucked a few governments up real bad, and got back home. I was right. They missed me, and that's how I knew they actually cared, even if I am the biggest ass in the universe. You don't know until it's too late, as dumb as that sounds. Never thought I'd be in this position, but, really, you won't know what will happen until it's too late. I almost didn't make it out of that prison, and when I got back, they were so happy to see me. Except for Jerry. But he doesn't matter anymore."

       I released a breathy laugh, sitting up on my bed. "I suppose maybe you're right. I'll have to find something to keep myself busy with." I was going to ask another question, but a voice in the background cut me off.

        Rick? Y-You-Are you almost done? I heard a very small voice before wheels rolled. "eugh yea, M-Morty. Listen, (Y/N), just remember that not everybody is going to positively encourage you. You eugh d-don't need the whole world to like you. Push them away and focus on you."

      "Thanks. And I appreciate all the advice, sir."

      He muttered a 'don't mention it' before the line went dead, leaving me to figure out just what would make me happy.